DD won't clear up after herself

[HerbWoman]

It has always been difficult getting DD to do any chores around the house, and now she is 18, she won't do anything at all. She is still at school, having messed up the first year of 6th form, but is now doing really well with her school work. No exams coming up. She has a part time job, usually Saturday only, but sometimes both days at the weekend, and has 2 days during the week with no lessons at all.

Her bedroom is a complete tip, but I never ask her to do anything with it other than bring plates down (which she does after I've been asking for several weeks). I also don't ask her to do any chores relating to the house in general. Perhaps once a month, I ask her to empty the dishwasher on a day when she's at home and I'm at work, which she does.

She doesn't cook, except for herself for lunch on a day off occasionally, when she then leaves all the dishes for someone else to clean up. My main problem is that she also leaves the bathroom in a tip, clothing and towels on the floor, makeup round the sink and blobs on the floor, blobs of shampoo etc round the shower. So the only things I actually ask her to do are to leave the bathroom tidy and clean enough for the next person, and to clean it properly if she has let it get in a real state. She either says she will do it but never does, or she says it doesn't affect me because DH and I have an ensuite. Her younger brother uses the bathroom though, and I need to be able to get to the laundry bin, and to clean in there generally.

How do I actually get her to realise and accept that she should be cleaning up after herself, and get her to do it? Or do I just give up and clean it all up myself whenever she leaves a mess (not inclined to do this really, but I can't see any way of getting her to pull her finger out)? We all have jobs, so she's not the only one out at work/school. Nothing I say or do seems to have any effect at all.

Can anyone suggest anything that might work, before my head explodes?

Any suggestions at all?

Warn her that if she doesn't clean up after herself you will start dumping all her mess in her bed. Dishes and all.

Then follow through with it. I did this with ds (only 12 btw) and he soon got fed up of damp towels and crumby plates in his bed.

My dd16 is the same. Drives me potty!
The only thing I find works is turning off or threatening to turn off wifi.
Also she likes her friends/boyfriend to stay so I've said only if she clears up a bit.
We have the same set up as you with en suite but dd 7 still shares the bathrooms

Do you do her laundry? Stop doing it. Tell her you are too busy constantly clearing up her mess.

Incidentally, my two younger teens do all the dishwasher emptying between them. They take it in turns so do it at least 3 x per week each. They also sort their laundry and put it away. They also do some cooking and I am working up to them both being capable of cooking 1 family meal per week each.

She is being very lazy and you need to stop tidying up after her.

I stopped doing her laundry a couple of months ago. I have disconnected WiFi from her devices, I have picked up stuff she has left everywhere and dumped it in her room, and I've also several times bagged up everything she's left lying in the way in the bathroom and locked it up in the garage. I've refused lifts. Her brother grumbles when asked to do chores, but he does them. I've also tried offering to help with her room. I've tried nagging and not nagging over the years, and nothing works.

The pile of stuff in her bed has crossed my mind, and I think I might have even done it at one point, but she wasn't too bothered.

I’d clean it to beautiful including the bedroom, make her a cup of tea and explain she has to up her game. Be kind, she’s massively fucking up and needs to change which is hard.

One of the few propably helpful and effective pieces of parenting advice I have seen on mn, definately try this OP.
An 18 year old who has got herself into this cycle isnt going to feel motivated to help and respect you if you put dirty stuff in her bed.

My concern with me tidying her bedroom is that it feels disrespectful and an invasion of her privacy. I don't mind her bedroom too much (mine was untidy as a teen although not as bad as hers as I didn't have the money to buy as much crap as she does). What pisses me off is her disrespect towards everyone else in the house, as if she can leave mess everywhere and we just need to put up with it.

Ask her if she wants to do tidy her room, or if she wants you to do it - but tell her it needs to be done. It's not optional.

You could also give ds permission to go for a dump in there (only the once, mind!) and not bother to flush and see how she feels about that...
What goes around comes around after all!

She’s an adult . Tell her you are pissed off, it’s unacceptable and disrespectful. Explain that from now on any mess you find of hers you will just move to her room
( not her bed) and close the door. Every time.

MrsGrindah I have done that, but I don't know how I get from there to her picking it up and cleaning it up herself. She really isn't bothered. But this could go on for years if she doesn't go to uni!

Wrt college, she's doing really well this year, and I get that she's busy but aren't we all?

“ I have done that” suggests you have stopped. Don’t! Keep doing it every time. She will get bothered about it eventually trust me.

So this still ends up with me cleaning up her mess. What do I do if I've asked her to clean it and she just doesn't? I suppose I also don't want my DS learning that she can do nothing to help out and I don't do anything about it. At the moment he's pretty amenable (is almost 14). But you sound reassuring in that I won't have to do this forever (I'd love to believe that!)

Honest,y I had this with my SD. It’s not you cleaning up her mess. You are moving it into her room. Gradually there is less and less of it to move cos it’s all stacked up in her room! She will ignore it to begin with probably but then gradually realise those towels arent going to move themselves... and you have all the clean dry ones! I resented having to treat a 21 year old like this but it was either that or crack up!

21? Oh . And it worked eventually? That's exactly how I feel about it though too. Resentful and as if I'm going to crack up. The sink has a cupboard underneath with plenty of space to put a tub of makeup bits and pieces but that's too hard to use apparently as it involves bending down

I agree with just putting everything in her room.
Do you give her an allowance? How does she get new make up, clothes etc?
If she doesn't treat your house with respect then she doesn't get any luxuries. Sit her down and tell her, she needs to make a change just slowly building up to it.
I was a messy person but sharing a bathroom and communal spaces at home and uni I kept the mess to my room. Since having kids I've improved ten fold so it's just finding the right motivation to make the changes. (No I am not saying she should have kids 😆)

Try a family meeting? About what is fair and reasonable for people who live together?

My 18 year olds bedroom is a horrible pit.
I do however insist that she does at least one household job each day and plans and cooks a family meal once a week.

It takes a fair bit of parental energy to keep this going tbh and I think I should have started her off way younger than I actually did.

Handsfull no, we don't pay her an allowance. We pay for expensive essentials and her phone contract, but she buys her own make up. So there aren't really luxuries to cut back on. At the moment I have been going for the "you don't do anything I ask you to do, so I'm not going to do anything you ask me to do" approach, as she is now an adult. So no lifts.

I've just got back from work and she has been at home all day so far and has done precisely nothing. And is now going out so is refusing to anything before she goes.

Snog We have tried to have a grown up chat with her before, and have succeeded more than once, but nothing changes. I can insist until I'm blue in the face, but how do you get someone to do something if they just won't?

Yes, it requires a lot of energy - it's exhausting!

The only thing I can think of is cut back on the expensive essentials and give her a minimal phone contract which will only be topped up if she pulls her weight at home.
If your having to ask her several times to bring plates and glasses down from her room then cut that off and nothing can go to her room as she can't be trusted to bring it down.
Other then that just stay strong on doing absolutely nothing for her.
My sister didn't pull her weight at home and it became really tense with my mum. Mum stopped doing anything for her and she had to learn to clean cook and work the iron. Now they have a healthy balance of housework. Mum will do all the washing but sister will iron everything and visa versa.

My dd is seriously the same. I don't know what's wrong with her.
The only thing that has worked is the threat of her boyfriend not staying at weekends as this is the only way they can see each other due to living a fair way apart and no bus route.
I'd stop paying for her phone too. Why should you pay for it if she does nothing whatsoever.

I'd take her phone off her. If she won't respect your home then why should she benefit from the luxuries you can afford? Tbh i'd stop doing anything for her. And as pp have said dump her stuff on her bed every time she leaves it in a communal space. Allocate her one towel & one hand towel that is hers.

My folks did this with my elder brother & it took a while but it kicked in eventually.

“She is still at school, having messed up the first year of 6th form, but is now doing really well with her school work. No exams coming up. She has a part time job, usually Saturday only, but sometimes both days at the weekend, and has 2 days during the week with no lessons at all.“

I think she sounds about right for a teen who obviously had a bit of a rocky start and is now doing her best.

I would stop catastrophising about what she’ll be like in two years and concentrate on the here and now.

Why is the state of your house so important to you?

Why are you getting so irritated by her? Have you only three plates?

What is going on in your life that you’re focusing so much energy on her untidiness, but ignoring her competence in other areas?

For what it’s worth, I think the fact she’s doing well in school and has a pt job is a lot to be celebrated, especially as she didn’t get it together before now.

Step back and realize she’s not an adult, her brain is still developing and congratulate yourself on doing a good job with her.

The clothes and stuff all over are just that. Won’t last forever. Teens are giant toddlers after all.

I suggest you concentrate on what’s important in your own life for a while and take the pressure off micromanaging your dd. Your dd sounds like she’s a mono tasker at the moment- quite common in teens.

Ask yourself: Would you prefer if she was super tidy at home and couldn’t function at all in college, and failed all her exams again?

Ginny I have sat and thought about what you have said, and as my biggest bugbear is the state she leaves the bathroom in, which prevents other people doing what they need to easily, I don't really think that qualifies as micromanaging her. I don't ask her to tidy her room, and pretty much other than that, she does what she wants when she wants. Our house isn't pristine, far from it.

Yes, we have more than three plates, but when I don't have enough in the kitchen to dish up dinner, it is annoying. I'm really not expecting supertidy (it would be very hypocritical of me to expect that as I'm definitely not myself), but a little consideration for others that live here wouldn't go amiss.

What do you do if your kids refuse to do anything you ask them to (especially when I'm not asking her to do much at all)? Ignore and do it all yourself?

Handsfull She isn't supposed to take plates upstairs but does anyway. Short of rugby tackling her as she goes up, I have no way of stopping her. Which she has told me. (Actually, I'm not sure if I'd be up to rugby tackling an almost black belt, so scratch that .)

mustbemad She bought the phone outright herself. We only help her out with the cost of the sim. And I think that for the sake of safety when she's out, she needs it.

Thanks everyone for the comments. Part of why I posted was to see if I'm actually being reasonable or not expecting her to do anything at all here. (Although not really brave enough for AIBU .)