DD won't clear up after herself

[HerbWoman]

It has always been difficult getting DD to do any chores around the house, and now she is 18, she won't do anything at all. She is still at school, having messed up the first year of 6th form, but is now doing really well with her school work. No exams coming up. She has a part time job, usually Saturday only, but sometimes both days at the weekend, and has 2 days during the week with no lessons at all.

Her bedroom is a complete tip, but I never ask her to do anything with it other than bring plates down (which she does after I've been asking for several weeks). I also don't ask her to do any chores relating to the house in general. Perhaps once a month, I ask her to empty the dishwasher on a day when she's at home and I'm at work, which she does.

She doesn't cook, except for herself for lunch on a day off occasionally, when she then leaves all the dishes for someone else to clean up. My main problem is that she also leaves the bathroom in a tip, clothing and towels on the floor, makeup round the sink and blobs on the floor, blobs of shampoo etc round the shower. So the only things I actually ask her to do are to leave the bathroom tidy and clean enough for the next person, and to clean it properly if she has let it get in a real state. She either says she will do it but never does, or she says it doesn't affect me because DH and I have an ensuite. Her younger brother uses the bathroom though, and I need to be able to get to the laundry bin, and to clean in there generally.

How do I actually get her to realise and accept that she should be cleaning up after herself, and get her to do it? Or do I just give up and clean it all up myself whenever she leaves a mess (not inclined to do this really, but I can't see any way of getting her to pull her finger out)? We all have jobs, so she's not the only one out at work/school. Nothing I say or do seems to have any effect at all.

Can anyone suggest anything that might work, before my head explodes?

Such a trickie one OP, I do feel your pain.

Parents and teenage children are all so different its really hard to generalise. I would never have spoken to my mother like I see nowadays but then I also didn't get on with her and had left by age 17. My room was a bit messy sometimes, but clean. Didn't have many clothes, make up etc so there wasn't so much to mess up. I don't think we had this "Bedsit" mentality where teenagers brought their own food to their room, so we never had that argument about cups and plates.

However, that said your DD does sound pretty disrespectful:

Short of rugby tackling her as she goes up, I have no way of stopping her. Which she has told me

Thats a pretty disgraceful F.U. thing to say to your parent. Also, refusing outright to do anything in the house or even clear up after herself in the bathroom is also completely disrespectful. The LadyMuck attitude that some teens seem to have now makes me feel that something has gone very wrong.

At the end of the day she's 18. She can shape up or ship out, if thats what you decide. Your house your rules. Its really that simple.

I'm having a hard time myself at the moment DS15, am not well, and on top of that every other day is an argument. Last night I actually thought I was losing my mind, like it was affecting my mental health, it was horrible .

So I understand some of what you are going through. The other thing (if possible?) to do is just get on with enjoying your own life, don't do anything for her at all, physically or financially, kind of ignore her and her mess (!), and wait till she's old enough to leave which won't be long.... though thats also not a very nice way to live as you are barely a parent, just providing bed and basic board? Maybe thats the way it has to be for now?

I was messy (still am but massively better having moved out)
My mum used to clean it all for me (she's a god send) and then I would keep it neat for longer and she would help and encourage me. As I got older I got better ( I had moved out at your dd age so can't advise too much). But I found my mums help was brilliant. Now as an adult I clean one specific day a week. Maybe give her a bundle of cleaning things? A new laundry bin and maybe that will help her take responsibility

I would do a chart of what jobs you expect her to do during the week and tick them off when done to the required standard.

If the jobs aren't done then I wouldn't be providing any lifts or pocket money.

Did she have chores to do when she was younger? Is the lack of clearing up after herself a new thing? As someone else said it seems that she's got into a bad cycle and that's really hard to change, partly because when you're trying to assert your independence (you can't make me do anything) then you don't want to give in and do what you're told!

Being nagged is really annoying and I think just sets up conflict and a nasty atmosphere. Teenagers can be like toddlers and some of the things I tried for handling them are equally useful for teenagers. So, pick your battles. What is the one thing that you would like her to do? It sounds as though the bathroom is a battleground and you don't like her leaving her make up around. She likes to have it to hand - I can understand that, I prefer not to put mine in the cupboard. What about getting a small basket or make up bag that she can just dump it in? At least if she doesn't do it then you can scoop it up and throw it in.

I also find it helpful to find them doing something good and really praise them for it. So if you notice that she's done one tiny thing that she's asked then thank her. The incentive for doing something is so much greater when you get praised rather than just not nagged iyswim!

I do sympathise, I get so freaking sick of picking up the bath mat, changing the empty toilet roll, finding dirty crockery in bedrooms etc. But things are getting better gradually. Teenagers usually get better with time if nothing else.

If she's not got exams coming up does that mean she has coursework she is doing on her two days off a week? What is she filling that time with?
Is there anyway you can get your DS to use the bathroom before her in a morning? Then come tea time if she's left it a mess you simply don't make her tea or do anything at all for her.

I agree with you fully, she might be busy with school but you're not asking for much of anything, just that she picks up after herself. She could just be more careful in the bathroom and not leave such a mess.

Can your son try talking to her? Or maybe you can get in to her bathroom before she does and leave stuff in her way. I know it's a bit petty but might be worth a try. I'd also be very tempted to pick up stuff that is family things or you have bought and leave them in her room to sort and bin anything else that she has left a mess. Make up, clothes, toiletries. When she has to keep buying shampoo, can't find the top she wants or is spending ages looking for her make up she might get a clue.

For shared spaces you need to call a family meeting and let the other users give her er, feedback on her leaving a mess.

Agree a way of checking a room is as you found it.

Take pictures. Make a list : clean basin, toothpaste cap on, flushed loo, seat down, towels hung up. Then advise that you will photograph any mess and stick it up on Facebook. 😈

I know it’s easy to get wound up, but the big picture is that teens are huge toddlers, trying to find their way, learing lots, growing, dealing with histrionic friends, and actuallyy needing a bit of TLC and peace and quiet at home.

We find love bombing with specific praise (most times....) works! I feel your pain 💐

I'm very tempted to save a link to this thread as an example for those mners who think it's 'cruel' to get high school age children to do chores. This is how they learn household management, best practice for chores and skills like cooking/budgeting.

My mum with my sister when she was especially bad would black bag EVERYTHING and I really mean everything - all that was left was unmade bed, empty drawers and empty wardrobe, and give her 4 hours to sort or it was all going in the bin!

Does she get pocket money? Phone paid for? I'd be telling her something like that would be getting cut off until things VASTLY improve.

"We pay for expensive essentials and her phone contract" what 'essentials' ?

BUT be specific. Often just saying 'tidy up' they don't know where to start. Give her a list of what needs done, possibly laminated? Even sit and do a schedule with her as at this point she may be feeling overwhelmed.

Then give her guidance on what needs done going forward so it doesn't get that bad again.

Daily -
Dishes removed & washed
General tidy of

• used clothes
• make up & toiletries
• School work

Weekly -

• Laundry
• Change bed
• Hoover & dust

Personally I think both your DC should have a household chore they are responsible for. It's their home too they need to feel proud of it and that they are partly responsible.

Younger one could be responsible for dishes. Older one hoovering/floors AND cooking for whole family at least once a week.

IF the bad habits creep in again, you say she has enough money to buy crap - throw out whatever she leaves lying about and she can replace with her OWN money.

And yes praise - when she's done something praiseworthy.

OP you’ve waited a bit too long...this needed to be worked on starting at 4-5 yrs if age....
Does she know how to do laundry, make her bed, cook a meal, clean up after dinner, when to take out the trash, what goes in which bin.
I’d find something she does willingly and well and piggy back an accompanying task and add a bit more monthly.

My DS21 is a slob, he's gorgeous and handsome and funny, but a real slob. Him making a bacon sarnie makes our kitchen looks like Bodger and Badger have been up to their shinanegans in there.

He is getting better, not brilliant, but definite improvements. He has to do the dishwasher every day, bins on a Friday and his room, well his room still looks like a tip, but I just do not go in there ever, it's too depressing.

I'm waiting for him to move out and plotting what an beautiful, airy room will be in it's place.

My advice is, when they're really young, don't think it's easier to pick up after them yourself, it's easier in the short term, but it bites you on the ass when they're teens, them too. You're not doing them any favours. Let them be as independent as they can be, don't hover, let them fuck up their homework and learn consequences young. Let them have to forward think about pe kits and letters coming home, you are helping them so much more this way than making sure everything in their life is sorted and tickety boo. Let them make mistakes and learn from them.

Maybe a change of tact is needed. Focus on creating inspiration. Look at house and garden magazines, internet articles, you tube, watch shows where they flip (transform) houses discuss designs, decorations, storage solutions and creative ideas you each like. Talk about creating living spaces that reflects personal taste and style. Help her find her personal tastes, styles and learn to have some pride in contributing to sharing the home.

Pay her DBro x quid a week ( decent amount, not 50p) to pick up her towels and chuck them at her bedroom door , likewise her clothes. Buy cheap and nasty shampoo so the waste doesn’t matter.

www.popsugar.com.au/home/Proof-Marie-Kondo-KonMari-Method-Works-37685123

Hope this helps

I think @ginnywreckin has it about right. Your Dd has pulled her socks up with regards to studies and has a job. If your DS is the one that shares the bathroom with her then let him complain if he doesn't like the mess.

Don't let her remember her last full year at home as being full of arguments. She will be grown and flown soon enough.

My DD is much the same
They are under much pressure these days
I pretty much leave her room although I do have a quick 15 minutes tidy up most days
She 'll hopefully grow out of it soon