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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Daughter (17 years old) and relationships- please help

41 replies

VauxhallVectra · 04/05/2018 12:03

I've NC but a long-time member.

My daughter's 17 and has just got into a relationship with a boy. He seems nice - polite, ambitious, doing well at school, clean, respectful etc.

DP doesn't want her in a relationship with him. He keeps flitting between reasons (which are varying degrees of bullshit) but, I think, it all boils down the fact he'd struggling with confronting the fact his daughter is a young woman and becoming independent.

DP wants to ban her from seeing him giving the reason that she needs to wait until after her A-levels so she can concentrate on her education.

I think two things about this. Firstly, she's going to see him regardless of whether she's banned or not. I'd rather she was honest and open with us about their relationship than sneaking off for quick shags in back alleys or lying to us about where she is.
Secondly, she wants to go to university after her A-levels so where does this ban end for the sake of her education- why does it suddenly become okay to see him while she's doing her degree but not her A-levels as both are education? Should we ban her until after her degree? But then she'll have a job she needs to concentrate on so should we ban her until she's retired?!

Neither me or DP had "normal" teenage years and we're finding 17 is particularly tricky because she's not quite an adult but also not a child. However, neither of us have any reference points for what a good/healthy/normal 17-year old existence should be like.

I'd really appreciate some advice on this, please!

OP posts:
NorthernSpirit · 04/05/2018 15:12

Your OH is overbearing. She’s 17 and is likely to go off to university in a year, she isn’t a little girl for your OH to control. If he says ‘no’ (and who does he think he is) how is he likely to police this? She’s likely to rebel and sneak off behind your back. Let her grow up and let go. She’s not a small child.

Haberpop · 04/05/2018 15:18

He has no right to control her like this and he is likely to do far more harm than good, she will resent him forever and he will force her to become deceptive. banning her from seeing men won't stop her but it will mean she is far less likely to turn to you both in times of need. What does he thinking this ban will achieve? Many, many teens hold down full time education, a part time job and a boy/girlfriend, if they want to succeed in life they will make it happen.

starsandstuff · 04/05/2018 15:20

Hi. I was just turned 17 when I had my first serious boyfriend. I got great grades at A Level and went to University, and we stayed together until I was 22 when we amicably split up. It's perfectly possible to be 17 and manage a healthy relationship as well as studying - your DH doesn't want her having sex, bottom line, I think. That's a whole other topic and one he needs to come to terms with because being overly strict with her and causing friction and unhappiness is much worse for her exam results, and his relationship with her.

Frosty66612 · 04/05/2018 15:21

He’s being completely ridiculous. Some 17 year olds have already left home by then. You can vote and join the army by 16 too.
She is going to end up resenting him hugely if he bans her from seeing someone that she really likes. Sounds like he needs to learn the art of compromise pronto! What about if she only sees him on the weekends if she makes sure she gets most of her studies done during the week?

Mabelface · 04/05/2018 15:23

your dh needs to wind his neck in and realise that she's not a child. She's old enough to have a sexual relationship and the young man sounds lovely. Point out to dh that she could be going out with someone wholly undesirable.

upsideup · 04/05/2018 15:23

I wouldnt be able to be around a man like that, hes really just going to push her away.

userabcname · 04/05/2018 15:28

It would be crazy to ban her seeing him. She is 17 years old - she could get married next year if she wanted to! He needs to relax. It's perfectly normal for 17 year olds to be in relationships. I really hope this is to do with worrying about her wellbeing rather than some deep-rooted sexist beliefs about girls having sex being 'sluts' or somehow inferior..would he say the same about a 17yo son do you think? I think you need a frank discussion with him OP.

NCThatsInevitablyGoingToFail · 04/05/2018 15:30

He sounds like a lovely boyfriend - honestly, when you think who she might have been going out with, your husband should count himself lucky!

LoniceraJaponica · 04/05/2018 15:36

Your DH is being totally unreasonable and unrealistic.

Do you think he is a teeny bit jealous that she is enjoying the sort of teenage stuff that most 17 year olds do that he didn't?

DD is 17, and has been seeing the same boy for over 2 years now. He seems like a nice lad and we are both happy that he treats her well.

jacobsgirl · 04/05/2018 17:20

Defos being silly

I'm only a free years older than your dd (a mum myself) and I would've been quite upset if my dad has stopped me seeing my now father to my child. I think he's just using reasons to cover up that he's scared she's becoming a woman.

She's only one year away from legally being able to do pretty much what she wants. You don't want to ruin a relationship with her because DP is afraid of letting things be. She'll respect that you guys are trusting her if you let it go on and I'm sure it will be much healthier and better for everyone in the long run

Maybe you just need to try and put things in perspective for DP ? She's being honest and open with you guys, the boyfriend seems nice and I assume your dd isn't silly or so infatuated that she's but her exams at risk !

Maybe ask dd to have a word calmly with her dad ? Good luck x

jacobsgirl · 04/05/2018 17:21

Excuse spelling mistakes was multitasking

A few years older *

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 04/05/2018 17:26

Your DH is being ridiculous and invasive.
Fine to set rules about allowing him in her room and about how late she is out etc etc
It is not fine to tell her she cannot be in a relationship with someone at this age.
That will not end well and you are right she probably will continue with it anyway if she wants to but she will be at risk because she will not be able to come and talk to you about it if she needs to.
The best thing at this age is to keep an open and honest relationship with your child so that they can confide in you and will take on board your advice.
Banning her from seeing someone is not conducive to that kind of relationship.
It will be so important when she leaves home to be able to get her to talk to you and come to you for emotional support. She wont be doing that if her father is setting crazy invasive rules that have no sense to them!

Graphista · 04/05/2018 17:32

A very delicate time. If not handed well the relationship with your dd could be damaged forever.

I agree this is highly likely to be really about your dh not being able to handle the idea of her having sex.

A he needs to build a bridge and get over it

B in all likelihood that ships already sailed!

C that is really none of his or your business at this point. She's over the age of consent and in parts of the U.K. Could marry the guy without your knowledge let alone consent.

You know your dh best so you need to tell him all this in a way he'll accept.

dontquit · 04/05/2018 17:53

I was in your daughters situation at 17. My parents demanded I broke off the relationship. It caused so many arguments. I started to do badly at school due to all the arguing at home and me being upset. After a while I told my parents I had finished it but as 17 year olds do I continued seeing him behind their backs. My grades improved and teachers remarked to my mother that I was doing much better which she of course attributed to the breakup. At this point I told her I was still in relationship and she lost it. Of course it had nothing to do with grades and everything to do with sex. Sitting me down and discussing safe sex and letting me know they were there for me etc would have been much better. I really think the relationship would have fizzled out long before it did if I wasn't trying to (stupidity) prove a point.
I'm a mother now to 2 young girls and I dread the teenage years but would like to think I'll have a much more open relationship with them than I had with my own parents at the time.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 04/05/2018 18:03

She's old enough to have a sexual relationship and there's the rub. If he doesn't let her go, then he will lose any hope of a relationship with her ever. But you know that. She needs to go on being calm and centred and responsible. You need to tell him he's being a dick.

Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 05/05/2018 09:03

Thanks so much for all your replies. So glad you all agree with me!

I think sex is a big factor... he says he doesn’t want some ‘horny little twat’ taking advantage of DD and using her for sex. He assumes this is likely because that’s what he was like as a teen. The boyfriend doesn’t seem like this at all.

He’s also scared about her getting pregnant. I had DD very very young and I’ve drummed it into her that she needs to be careful. We’ve always had very frank conversation about his having her so young held me back, isolated me etc (while all the time telling her I love her!). She’s said she reckons kids ruin your life at any age so she’s staying absolutely clear forever! Grin

It’s all coming to a head now because the boyfriend has invited DD to go away with his family in July where they’ll be sharing a room. She’s told me about it but not DP yet. I’m happy for her to go and share a room if she wants to and feels comfortable but I think DP might die a little bit.

I should say, DP hasn’t banned DD from seeing him and has only mentioned a couple of times that she really should wait until after her A levels. DD knows he doesn’t like the boyfriend and her being in a relationship but there haven’t been lots of huge rows. DP just seethes quietly then moans at me about it!

OP posts:
Original poster
VauxhallVectra · 05/05/2018 09:05

about me* having her so young.

DP was young too but he was a bit older than me and wasn’t really around

OP posts:
Radyward · 05/05/2018 09:20

Aah he is being a v v over protective Daddy. I know my husband would be similar my DH would be Sad she is getting older but proud of her too.

starsandstuff · 05/05/2018 11:41

I think sex is a big factor... he says he doesn’t want some ‘horny little twat’ taking advantage of DD and using her for sex.

Well then he's going to have to get over his false ideas about women and sex, and accept that she will more than likely be equally as horny and a willing partner in the sex as opposed to being "used".

NorthernSpirit · 05/05/2018 11:48

Sorry OP - don’t mean to offend you. But the line ‘i’m not having some horney little twat...’ says it all.

Maybe that’s how he was when he was young, but doesn’t mean everyone else is.

Your daughter is almost an adult and she can make her own mind up. If you hold her back now, she’s likely to go nuts when at university.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 05/05/2018 12:34

Its sad that he feels that way. I lost my virginity at 15 (couple months shy of 16) to a guy who was 17 and was also a virgin. It was really special for both of us and he was really sweet. Im so glad to have had that lovely experience compared to what some of my friends recount about losing theirs It was because we were in a relationship and trusted each other. We were together until I was 23.
It would have been awful if it was all spoilt by my dad making it really base and creepy and perverted. Idve been mortified if hed reduced our relationship to being all about sex.
Its perfectly natural to have a relationship at 17. The boy sounds nice and your daughter sounds sensible and confident. Id have serious words with your DH about intruding on and messing up whats a really special time in your daughters life... and potentially damaging the closeness of your relationship with her over it.

Graphista · 05/05/2018 15:52

That your dh thinks women are only "used" for sex is quite disturbing.

I too lost my Virginity to another Virgin who I was with for 3 years. There was no pressure from him, it was a loving and respectful relationship.

Far more likely she loses her virginity to some using tosser if he breaks them up!!

He needs to get a grip!

corythatwas · 05/05/2018 18:05

"I think sex is a big factor... he says he doesn’t want some ‘horny little twat’ taking advantage of DD and using her for sex. He assumes this is likely because that’s what he was like as a teen."

Is that what he thinks your sex life is like: him using you because he's a man?

pepperpop · 05/05/2018 18:10

Really bizarre for him to try and control her relationships. My now DH and I got together at 17, house at 21, married at 24. She's 17, not 13 Confused

NotARegularPenguin · 05/05/2018 18:24

He’s bonkers. Sorry.

I also have a 17yo dd. She has a boyfriend which is normal at that age. Her bf seems nice. Sometimes he spends the night here (in her bedroom) and sometimes she spends the night at his. She’s nearly an adult. You cant control her so much.