Daughter (17 years old) and relationships- please help

[VauxhallVectra]

I've NC but a long-time member.

My daughter's 17 and has just got into a relationship with a boy. He seems nice - polite, ambitious, doing well at school, clean, respectful etc.

DP doesn't want her in a relationship with him. He keeps flitting between reasons (which are varying degrees of bullshit) but, I think, it all boils down the fact he'd struggling with confronting the fact his daughter is a young woman and becoming independent.

DP wants to ban her from seeing him giving the reason that she needs to wait until after her A-levels so she can concentrate on her education.

I think two things about this. Firstly, she's going to see him regardless of whether she's banned or not. I'd rather she was honest and open with us about their relationship than sneaking off for quick shags in back alleys or lying to us about where she is.
Secondly, she wants to go to university after her A-levels so where does this ban end for the sake of her education- why does it suddenly become okay to see him while she's doing her degree but not her A-levels as both are education? Should we ban her until after her degree? But then she'll have a job she needs to concentrate on so should we ban her until she's retired?!

Neither me or DP had "normal" teenage years and we're finding 17 is particularly tricky because she's not quite an adult but also not a child. However, neither of us have any reference points for what a good/healthy/normal 17-year old existence should be like.

I'd really appreciate some advice on this, please!

And maybe your dd is using her boyfriend for sex? It is perfectly possible for women to enjoy sex. Why does it have to be the man using the woman? Very sexist.

I have a 17 year old son who has a gf the same age. I suspect that they've had sex (they've been going out 9 months) but I know that they can be very sweet and innocent too. No idea about his gf but ds is managing school - job - social life perfectly fine and seems to have a good balance. I think it's better to do this now than at University where you can't advise her if she doesn't seem to have a good balance. (She finishes a-levels in only 13/14 months. Will it make any difference?)
Does your dd have lots of female friends too? My son doesn't really discuss his relationship with me but if there were problems, I hope he could rely on his friends.

He doesn’t think women are only used for sex but I think he struggles to believe that a 17 year old boy wouldn’t think like this because that’s how DP was at 17 (sexist, using women etc.).

I’ve made the point to him that 17 year old girls are horny too!!

DD has lots of female friends and a small group of very close girlfriends who are all lovely. Two of them have boyfriends as well.

I think we’ll be having the conversation about DD going away with her boyfriend soon.... will let you know how that goes!

Tell him that he possibly wasn't a paragon of virtue by the age of 18 or 19 either so the trick is not going to be to keep his daughter a virgin until she leaves home but to teach her how to avoid men who are like his younger self and go for a better quality. You don't learn discernment by being locked up.

I'd find your DH's attitude pretty annoying tbh. It would be absolutely understandable if your dd's bf wasn't a nìce lad. I'd put money on your dh feeling jealous of his youth and resentful of having him in his space. Which is quite a childish attitude when you stop to think about it.

Doesn't he want his DD to be happy and independent. Your DH's attitude is about him, not your DD or her bf. He needs to put on an act if he doesn't want to lose some of your DD's respect for him.

Sorry to be so blunt, but this type of attitude annoys me. I have a slightly older dd and always been happy for her when she has been in a happy relationship. Why wouldn't you be. We've had our turn at being young with all its joys ( and woes). Just be happy for your loved ones without being jealous or possessive.

@rogueantimatter

We've had our turn at being young with all its joys ( and woes)

I think that's part of the issue TBH. Neither me or DP had normal teenage years so we didn't really have the joys of being young. We've both enjoyed watching DD have the sort of care-free life neither of us had and I think part of DP's concern is that her relationship is going to curtail DD's care-free existence and she'll waste the freedom and opportunities that she's got now.

Yesterday evening DD told DP that she'd accepted her boyfriend's offer to go on holiday with his family.

DP hit the roof and basically went through the whole litany of reasons why she shouldn't go on holiday with him and why she shouldn't be with him at all. I largely stayed out of it because DP was too hyped-up to talk with reasonably and, TBH, DD was handling it like an absolute star on her own.

Anyway, DD told DP she wasn't going to stick around and be shouted at so she walked out. She texted me later on saying she was staying at her boyfriend's (this is the first time she's stayed over there) until DP stops being a dick. That's not likely to happen for a while- he's still seething and now he's doubly pissed off because DD is staying round there.

I've told DD she should come home Thursday at the latest otherwise this could go on indefinitely. She's agreed to come over this afternoon (I don't work Mondays, DP is out at work) and collect some stuff so she's got clean clothes and her college stuff.I was also going to give her a bit of money for her boyfriend's parents as she's obviously been using their water, electricity, eating their food etc.

Is that the right thing to do? Am I handling this okay? Sorry for being dense but, as I said upthread, I have no idea what's normal for a teenager. I want to give her some space but also make clear that she does have to come home at some point.

Thank you so much for all your help.

Oh dear! I feel sorry for you caught up in this.

Your DP has already succeeded in pushing her away with his attitude! Can he not see that?

I have two 17 year old DDs and yes we do worry about boys and sex and being treated properly etc and I know my DH struggles with it all a bit, he'd prefer to wrap them up in cotton wool but thankfully keeps his issues to himself.

Did she come home yesterday for clothes?

Sorry to be bold but I think you need to stop sitting on the fence and support your daughter more - she needs to know that you have got her back not matter what.
You said that you stayed out of the confrontation between your DP and your DD re the holiday but I think your DP needs to hear that you believe she should go, that she's a young adult who is making her own decisions and has your full support, she needs to hear this too.
You need to have a very frank discussion with your DP where you make it abundantly clear that you do not agree with him at all or with the way he is treating your daughter.
You do not want your DD to feel isolated from her own family and she shouldn't have to move out either - your own loving relationship with her will start to suffer if you don't take a firm stance with your DP.
Tell your DP that if anybody should be leaving to 'cool down' or 'think things through' it should be him!

Very true Salsa!!

Yeah, my parents took the same attitude as your partner. The result was a series of one night stands and pretty shit relationships. It took me a long time to learn about self-respect and what a loving relationship actually is because when I should have been doing this, instead it all had to be furtive and secretive and left me feeling crap. Good job, parents. Not.

Maybe show him this thread? There's some sensible talking here from others who have been/are going through it.

Thanks again for the replies. I feel really foolish posting all this but this is a whole new situation for me and I feel out of my depth.

Yes, she came over yesterday afternoon and we had a good chat. She's pissed off at DP but not raging. She said she understands his worries but he needs to stop being a dick. She said she'll come home Thursday for sure.

Meanwhile, I had a chat with DP and he said he knows he's being unreasonable but he's struggling to let go of DD. Because he dabbled in all sorts of criminal behaviour and associated with all sorts of terrible people when he was a teenager, he's got a very skewed view of the world and he's scared DD will end up off the rails.

I think I made myself look like a bit of a wet blanket @salsamad - I didn't get involved in the confrontation because I'd have ended up screaming at DP about how much of twat he's being whereas DD was calm as fuck and just kept repeating "You're being unfair, I'm a young woman". I knew me wading in would make things worse.

DD does know I support her and I think DP is being a twat. That's why she came to me an told me about this holiday a while before telling DP- she knew I'd be supportive.

I've told DP repeatedly he's being a knob. He says he knows but he can't help it. I think her walking out has hit home just how much he is pushing her away and he does have to "help it".

I gave DD £20 to give to her boyfriend's parents for her food/board for the last few days. Is that okay or do you think I look like a twat? Should I try and get in touch with the parents to explain and say thanks? Or just leave it?

DP reckons we should go and meet the boyfriend's parents to see what they're like if DD is going on holiday with them. I nearly wet myself laughing- she's not 8, I don't think she'd really appreciate us traipsing around there to formally introduce ourselves!

Her relationship isn't anything to do with anybody she has a nice boy so what's the problem would he rather she brought local bad boy home she's a young woman now as long as she is on birth control he will end up causing friction between him and her if hes just saying he doesn't like her bf he didn't even give the boy a chance arrange for him to come over for dinner let him see hes a nice guy and u can't judge them how use were at that age

Can you start your own thread ?

you will get lots of replies to the zombie thread the OP posted a few years ago

Oops sorry thought I had, how do I delete? Eek