Teenage son just won't revise and doesn't care

[Molliethecat]

My 15 year old has completely given up on his GCSEs. It's 3 weeks until his exams start and he just refuses to do any revision. The only work he does is History and English as I've brought in a home tutor, but he also refuses to do any of the homework she sets him. He said he wanted to stay on at school to do A levels, and we explained that he would need at least 5 GCSE passes including a minimum of level 6 in the subjects he wants to study, but he's now saying he can't be bothered to do A levels. He's not stupid, but he won't pass any exams unless he does some work. In his mocks he got 3's and and a couple of 4's without any study. We've taken away his Xbox, iPad, TV remotes, etc, and I've even tried taking his phone away, saying he can have them back if he does some work. He just refuses, lies in his room and hurls verbal abuse. He's retaking an Italian written assessment today, and refused to do any work/practice for that. I'm at my wits end on knowing what to say or do, and I just get so angry with him for not making any effort. Do I just let him fail (but that just seems so wrong as a parent)? Any help/advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

All you can do is tell him you have thought about this and it's his life. If he is willing to write his life off at 15 then that is his choice....
You can't make him study ... But seeing all his friends move on in life will be a real eye opener... Sorry you will find it hard.... But until he gets self motivated... you are banging your head against a wall...

Is he doing that thing that a lot of teenagers are prone to, of feeling like he is going to fail and so choosing not to even try as "if you don't try you can't fail"?

Get him to just focus on 5 subjects. English, Maths and 3 others that he is actually interested in. Make a timetable of when those exams are and focus on revising on what is relevant ie if English exam is on Thursday then focus on English on Wednesday but not Monday and Tuesday. Then before September he can look at his options - A levels, more GCSEs at college, other qualifications at college etc.
It used to be that if a child was registered to take an exam and they didn't turn up the parents would have to pay the exam fee back to the school. I don't know if that is still the case however I remember being told by my teachers that you should turn up and write your name on the paper - but essentially you could just sit there and do nothing. Although doing nothing for a couple of hours is boring so most people would give the questions a go (and therefore get a grade).
5 subjects!! Just get him to focus on 5. And let him have down time too.

And reading posts like this make me so angry the coursework element of GCSE was scrapped. My heart breaks for these teens.
(sorry OP not really about your issue but just a general rant)

I didn't revise. I didn't get excellent grades but they were all higher grade passes, which is what was important at the time, and I went on to graduate from uni with a 2:1.

I'm not saying it isn't important but I found revising really difficult, if I know something then I know it and trying to go over every single subject I'd studied for 5 years was just information overload.

If he's a good student then he will be fine without cramming at the last minute.

My daughter was like this and it got to a point where I could no longer stand over her and "make" her take them more seriously. She was often at her dad's which made it all the more difficult.

She got some okay-ish GCSE grades and struggled to decide what to do afterwards. She's now working as bar staff on a holiday park and really enjoys her work.

I think looking at the bigger picture is a good idea op , some kids just don't thrive in the classroom. That doesn't make them any less valid than academic types though.

Good luck.

Yes, I feel it's all too much, he's said to me previously that it's not fair he has to take just exams (although in Business Studies, PE & Italian, there is still some coursework, and that's been a struggle too), and he's also in complete denial.

I've tried asking him to concentrate on just 5 subjects - Maths, English (x2), History and PE, as he wanted to do English, History and PE for A Level, and why I got the Tutor in to support for English and History. That doesn't seem to be working either. Originally he wanted to go to Uni in America to do a Golf programme (he's really good at golf), but he now can't even bother to go and play golf, he just seems to have shut down to everything apart from staying in a darkened bedroom watching YouTube.

It's all too much for him. Stop treating him like a toddler. He is nearly an adult. Arevyoubawarebifvhechad his phone he could look at BBC bitesize and revise lying in bed?

are you aware if he had his phone. it's tough. Look into some apprentice schemes to take the pressure off.

In response to Exhaustedly, I wish he would behave like an adult, but he's not, he's behaving like a toddler. The only thing he does on his phone is go on social media, I've suggested using online revision tools, including BBC bitesize, and all I get is foul and abusive language in response.

I've asked him to put together a revision timetable, and he refuses, I've tried doing one for him and he tears it up.

I don’t have any easy answers but think it’s important if he feels under pressure to try and get through to him that it’s not a ‘once only’ chance- yes life will be 100x easier if he passes GCSEs now, but he can go back to education later, it’s just that he is likely in for some uncomfortable years if he doesn’t get anything.
3 things helped motivate my DSD at that age, the first was asking if she would ever want to leave home and then looking with her at jobs/pay available with each level of qualification. She realised that to be able to afford to rent a flat share she would need GCSEs and A levels or BTEC. The second was pointing out she would have to keep resitting maths GCSE until she got a pass, but if she passed now could opt to never do it again, and the third was explaining that it was the effort she put in that we (her parents and stepparents) valued, not the outcome.
(FWIW for your peace of mind she had some turbulent years until her early 20s but now has a post-grad qualification and earns more than DH) Good luck and it’s a painful process

I don't agree that trying to support a sixteen year old through important public examinations is treating him like a toddler.
I think focusing on a few key subjects is a great idea. I would also look at his self-esteem. DS has a friend just like your Ds. He's very bright but I think he's convinced that he isn't as capable as his classmates, hence he's just given up. If you can somehow convince your DS that all isn't yet lost and he can achieve good passes, he may change his attitude.

I had this with one of mine although they were slightly different circumstances. The way I got through to them was by taking them out of the house and whilst away from the stress I asked what help, if any, they thought they needed. The flood gates opened and it turned out they just weren't coping with the sheer pressure. After a nice day out we went home with a plan to create a personalised timetable to include break and fun things too.
Adifferent approach but it might help. Good luck to you and your ds.

I see 2 choices

1. Carry on and accept he will probably fail. Hope that gives him the kick he needs to sort himself out for college where he will have to do level 2 course and retakes.
2. Go hardcore, turn off wifi, cut of new money supplies, put up with the yelling. Say wifi will be given for fixed time each evening if paper based revision done (and proved) during the day.

Either way, couple it with being clear you will not support a NEET youngster with any more than a roof and food.
And maybe lots of sympathy, yes you know GCSEs are hard, but it is only a few weeks now and then the long summer, and you just want him to try his best etc etc.

I have a DD sitting exams this year, and I think its harder on them with all the changes. Most of the teachers have no idea what is going on and are stressed and this is coming through to the students.
I've told DD to aim for getting her 5 good passes to do her A Levels that she wants to do, I've taken as much pressure off as possible. I actually expect her to do a lot better than that, but I won't add even more pressure on to her.
I understand why they made some of the changes they have done but 4 years ago my eldest sat 7 exams at this point the rest was coursework DD has 22 exams over 4 weeks.

As an 'older' parent I think our family has an advantage. I did O levels so I know how to revise for multiple exams all at one.

The parents (and teachers!) a few or more years younger than I am did modular GCSEs with tonnes of coursework. They just don't have the same experience and can't pass it on to their DC.

DD1 did GCSEs 3 years ago, so old system but terminal exams and CAs rather than coursework. My experience helped her, so I am really hoping it will help DD2 too when the time comes.

We are going through the exact same thing. Complete loss of motivation and effort. We tried punishment and removing things but he just doesn't care.
We are now bribing, as we refuse to just let him give up. GCSEs are important to get going in life. You need the basics to go to college or even get an apprenticeship so that's our goal for SS. Just to set him up with the basics so he can choose what to do with them.
Unfortunately he isn't naturally bright enough to just coast through the exams. So we are doing short term bribery as we can afford it. He gets money for doing homework and revision and will get a bonus based on his grades.

OP how has your DS been about homework and studying for assessments at school in the years prior to this? My DC are a few years off GCSES but I am just interested to know if having doing regular homework and study in the years leading up to this makes things any easier at GCSE.

*doing

He’s never been good at homework/assessments, always left to the last minute & does the absolute minimum he can get away with. If I could wind back time we would never have allowed him an Xbox, and would have probably tried to get him more organised, however I never thought he’d just give up and refuse to do any work for his GCSEs.

Mine refused to revise but didn't want to do A-levels anyway.
What you're doing isn't successful. That part you can't disagree with.

So maybe give him everything back (Xbox etc) & tell him that it's his decision now what he works for or doesn't.

At some point you might discuss Plans B & C if his grades aren't good enough for 6th form.

I'm in the same position with my daughter and am now just trying not to worry about it. He is stressed and anxious. Have you spoken to school? They can speak to him and he might open up to them. Do what IIjkk suggests and give him back his things and as Handsfull suggests try a bribe. If he got 3s and 4s in his mocks and he has completed coursework and is working in class at school, then he'll be fine. Carrying on stressing the core subjects and the ones he wants to study at A level, he'll need 4s to avoid re-sitting Maths and English and if he can get a 6 in History, then he'll be able to do that at A level.

I feel reading your first post you are being way to harsh on him. There is way too much pressure on them at the moment in school alone and I feel a lot of the children are exhausted from it all. I have a dd also currently taking her GCSE's like your son. The work load is horrendous.
Taking away all the things he needs to relax seems a huge mistake to me. He may very well be depressed and those things can give him escape from everything worrying him. It seems to have become a battle now which is not good. There is a fine line between what you can get them to do and what you can't.
I remember my older ds being on xbox a lot during GCSE's ! But he did pull through in the end and your thoughts about these electronics match a lot of our own as parents. It did cause some grief in our household and I do remember a teacher suggesting we could take it away but I didn't. I do believe they are exhausted and the pressure on them is so intense I feel they don’t need it at home too. You never know what else is going on in their teens lives either.
It is their choice at the end of the day, you certainly have limited time to control or influence them at this stage (we know via ds). So once he leaves school you do loose it. I recommend building your bridges to gain a better relationship with him now while you can. Some people may disagree with me but at the end of the day you want him to be able to talk with you, connect with you and the only way of that is also having his respect via a good relationship/you also respecting him and his feelings/choices. If he doesn’t want the grades and has given up an apprentiship as someone else has said may suit him better.
A lot seem to loose it at this time. One of dd's science teachers even said at one parent evening, that he could have done/tried better himself when he was at school.
My ds has also complained that he could have tried harder at A level, we had little control or influence by then. Talking of A levels, they are very tough and if your ds is struggling now to cope I really don't think he wants to go there.
You also said in your first post he won't pass any exams unless he does some work. In his mocks he got 3's and a couple of 4's without any study Well try to praise him for that because 4's are a C I believe and 3's E/D? Don't put too much pressure on and he is studying at school. I don't give my dc's any expectations of grades, I am happy for them whatever they get. It is for their benefit not mine and only they know whether they physically can do more or not.
Believe me I have also been pulling my hair out at times too regarding homework, I don't want this to sound like I haven't.

When did it all go wrong with your ds and how did he feel about having a home tutor? I hope it was what he wanted, else that too may have made things worse.
Have a discreet word with school via phone and see if they have any concerns. The head of our school gave us the impression they are being very harshly marked with the mocks as they don't quite know how bad it will be yet. But gave us the impression those have been marked to the extreme end. Our head even said for dd to concentrate on the subjects she needs rather than the others, but not to tell the other teachers he said that!
Also better than anything try to talk to your ds about how you can relieve some pressure for him. Try to cheer him up as he sounds very unhappy. He could still go on to do fantastic things without the highest grades. His happiness and wellbeing are more important.

I don't know how to help this situation OP.

However, after the exams are done, is there any facility to retake year 11 and do the GCSEs again?

I know people who didn't get the GCSEs they needed/wanted for whatever reason and they ended up having to take them as an adult because they finally realised that they needed them for what they wanted to do.