Teenage son just won't revise and doesn't care

[Molliethecat]

My 15 year old has completely given up on his GCSEs. It's 3 weeks until his exams start and he just refuses to do any revision. The only work he does is History and English as I've brought in a home tutor, but he also refuses to do any of the homework she sets him. He said he wanted to stay on at school to do A levels, and we explained that he would need at least 5 GCSE passes including a minimum of level 6 in the subjects he wants to study, but he's now saying he can't be bothered to do A levels. He's not stupid, but he won't pass any exams unless he does some work. In his mocks he got 3's and and a couple of 4's without any study. We've taken away his Xbox, iPad, TV remotes, etc, and I've even tried taking his phone away, saying he can have them back if he does some work. He just refuses, lies in his room and hurls verbal abuse. He's retaking an Italian written assessment today, and refused to do any work/practice for that. I'm at my wits end on knowing what to say or do, and I just get so angry with him for not making any effort. Do I just let him fail (but that just seems so wrong as a parent)? Any help/advice would be gratefully received. Thank you.

I could have written this! I removed the phone. It worked. Said child is now motivated but does have lows.

I think the pressure is immense.

I think you have left it late.

Definitely remove the phone. Give it back for one hour each evening.

Then let him lay on his bed and sulk.

You have got nothing to lose

You have my sympathy, I don't know what parents can do in this situation. I was you last year - my DS seemed to do very little work, spent ages on social media, scorned any suggestion of 'help' yet he passed all 11 GCSEs (not brilliant grades) - so he gets into 6th Form, doing A levels and it's just the same .......... we pay for a private tutor, he does very little work, spends lots of time on his phone ............. it's just groundhog day.

And he says he wants to go to university but can't even be bothered to research any courses.

I despair, having a teenager is hard work bring back the baby years.

He's apathetic about school and his life plus he's lost interest in something he used to love and have as a goal (golf) Aren't those signs of depression? Maybe something else is at play that could be making him see his school work as unimportant, bullying perhaps? It also sounds like you've taken ALOT of things he enjoys away from him so he might be bitter and refusing to study even more as an act of retaliation.

Although hindsight is a wonderful thing, what I am taking from this is that the routine of homework and study needs to start far earlier in secondary school. Learning how to study and revise plus having the self discipline to sit down and do it is half the battle. Easier said than done I know but a big note to self to work on this with DCs before the blind panic of Y11.

You have my sympathy. I have 15yr old Ds too who doesn't do enough/much school work. We live in Belgium so no GCSEs thank god but pressure from school is immense. So much so that he failed the entire school year last year (don't get me started on Belgian education system...!) Taking away as much electronic stuff as possible is a good start. Reward good behaviour- like revising, making notes etc. Try not to be too hard on him (I fail at this bit). Praise and encourage the slightest effort he makes. Is there any revision he can do at school? That environment helps. Goodluck! We have exams starting at beginning of June so I feel your stress !

Just stumble across this and sounds just like my 15yr old son! Have tried the removal of phone Xbox etc and he says it's controlling! Anyway curious to know how mollies son got on?

Me too.
@Molliethecat

Thank you for your concern. My son continued to refuse to do much work. I did get a tutor for English & history, which he reluctantly agreed to, but still didn’t do any of the homework set. However he managed to get 5 GCSEs at level 4/5, including maths & English, & went to college to do a BTEC in sport. This was definitely the best possible thing for him, as he got away from the school bullies, & although he didn’t get outstanding grades at the end of his first year, he now wants to go to Uni, so although it’s a battle sometimes to get his assignments done (he leaves everything until the last minute), he now has something to work for, & grades are improving. Just be patient, and try not to get too stressed out, if possible!

Nice update, glad things are working out.

My colleague got his son a job portering in the local hospital one summer with the words "you might as well get used to the sort of jobs you'll get".

He is now a plumber and for a couple of years made more than his accountant sister.

Thanks for the update, Mollie.

Thanks for the update! Came searching for a post like this because getting my year 10 to revise is such a slog! He's such a bright kid, but so apathetic when it comes to school work. Yet he needs a degree for what he wants to do "when he grows up".

@molliethecat just seen your messages from 2018 about teen refusing to study. I have EXACT same problem here. Did anything work in the end?

@SookieSomerset, no nothing really helped, we did get a tutor for English & History & he reluctantly participated in the sessions. He passed 5, including English, Maths & History, not great grades, but enough to get into college. He’s now doing a BTEC in sport, which is perfect for him, as no exams, just assignments. He still leaves everything to the last minute, but he now wants to go to Uni, and the quality of work is improving. I guess you just have to let them get on with things, you can’t force them to do what you know they should be doing. Obviously they will realise at some later point that we were right, & we might even get the question “why didn’t you make me do it”, “we did try, you know”! For me that was probably the most stressful time I’ve ever experienced, believing he was throwing his life away, but luckily he’s grown up a lot in the past couple of years & realises he should have done better, but school & exams wasn’t right for him. I hope this helps.

My daughter was the same, year 7; especially year 8, she didn’t do any work, only rebelling. She was always on report and challenge at home with us.
I was getting worried, especially as her Dad was coming down quite hard on her, which made her rebel even more. Constant negative phone calls from the school.

But it all suddenly changed in the summer holidays when her cousin came to visit. She’d just been offered a place at Oxford University to study engineering. She’s also dyslexic so had to work extra hard; the whole family are so proud and heap load of praise.
I glanced over at my daughter who was listening intently to her story and I could see ‘the cogs turning’ in her brain.

So when she went back to school in Year 9 she completely turned everything around and has become a top student, not grade A, but so much better. I must have had about 10 phone calls from her teachers and mentors asking ‘what on earth has happened to her’, they were amazed!

She was nominated to be the mental health ambassador for her year and travels to different schools in the area to liaise with other students. This has now sparked an interest in Psychology, so she’s working towards Criminal Psychology.

All because of this conversation with her niece.

When I was 15, I was struggling in school and getting terrible grades. I had adults advising me, but their advice didn’t help; I didn’t believe I could succeed. I left school with no qualifications. Fast forward ten years, I completed an Access Course, earned a degree with a 2.1, became a qualified social worker, and bought my own home as a single parent. The 10 years weren't all plain sailing, but I'm wonderfully happy.

This is not his whole life? He is only 15. Focus on loving him, if he has that he'll be ok