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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Daughter refusing to socialise

60 replies

2ducks2ducklings · 05/04/2018 21:33

My very nearly 13 year old daughter is incredibly bright, funny and mature. She seems to be happy at school and often talks about people she interacts with during the school day. I get the impression that she isn't short of people to talk to on a day to day basis.
The problem is that during the school holidays, she completely retreats into her own little world. She will stay in her room reading for days on end if I would let her. I make her come on family outings if just to get some fresh air into her lungs. But she just won't make plans with friends. I have encouraged her to make arrangements? Even if it just for a quick walk to the park for an hour but she refuses. So I told her I want her to have made arrangements with friends for two different activities. She is begging me not to have to do this. I didn't think I was being unreasonable. I will take her and her friends wherever they have planned to be and will pay for her. Two activities in two weeks also doesn't sound excessive to me.
When I was her age I was out with friends all the time, just hanging out and not really doing much. I certainly wasn't popularism was/am shy and awkward in some social circumstances, but had a good group of close friends who I wanted to spend time with.
Am I being unreasonable by pushing her to socialise? I don't want her to fester in her room feeling miserable. Or do I just need to accept that she is perfectly happy as a 'loner' and that eventually she'll find something/someone that will make her want to venture out?
No one ever told me the tween years would be this tense!!

OP posts:

RebelRogue · 06/04/2018 00:48

I was your daughter. Happily reading books after books after books and just hanging around relaxing.

I'm 30 now,with a partner,child,job and friends. First two days of the holidays? Yup I stayed in reading my books.

RebelRogue · 06/04/2018 00:52

P.S. she's not refusing to socialise,she's just refusing to socialise on your terms which is fair enough.

Keel · 06/04/2018 00:55

My daughter is same and she's 15. To be fair all teens round here seem to do is hang round Maccy Ds and she'd rather draw or read.

flissfloss65 · 06/04/2018 01:08

At that age my son was happy to just stay at home or go out with family in the holidays.

Few years later and he now meets up with a group of friends, going to the cinema, parties, into town etc.

No point in rushing it.

Doryismyname · 06/04/2018 07:30

As long as your DD seems happy and not withdrawn I wouldn’t worry OP. I agree that it’s important to spend time with others and get out but she seems happy to do that with you and the family so this is good. Does she use social media to keep in touch with friends over the holidays? Maybe this is enough for her.

FreshHorizons · 06/04/2018 07:39

I was like that at that age and can't think of anything worse than a mother trying to organise me. She is happy - she is not you.

AuntieStella · 06/04/2018 07:48

If you're concerned that she's not going out enough, then youn ake her out.

If DC are left to their own devices (which in the first days of the hols means a mammoth gaming session) they might stagnate in their own rooms. So I plan days out en families, or one to one with each. Or just take them out to the park for an hour or so, with ball or frisbee, just like you would a younger child. Then at least you know they've had some exercise.

What you don't do is try to push them into meeting their friends more than they want to. Or at least not beyond something like 'This new film looks really good, if you want to go with a friend, I'll fund you both as a treat' (removes money as an issue, doesn't pressie, as long as you only make the odd suggestion - no coming up with a whole list!)

CasparBloomberg · 06/04/2018 08:02

She sounds like my son. We had a really big discussion with him about things when he refused to go on a school residential and he’d not been wanting to see friends in holidays. We jumped to the wrong conclusions so were worried he was being bullied, but he explained it to us and it turns out he can just about manage the length of school days being surrounded by people, even really good friends. He is sociable, has plenty of friends and enjoys school but he needs time away, down time to recharge and he gets that by being at home.
It sounds like they might just be social introverts who do enjoy being around their friends in short bursts, but it’s hard work for them and they need time alone to recover.

BrownTurkey · 06/04/2018 08:05

I work with young people. Actually I was suprised to find that there is not much socialising outside school for the majority of early teens, some do, of course. It picks up post 16.

Also remember that a lot of socialising now is via social media rather than in person. They are all far too socially anxious to actually be seen out and about (joke, sort of).

nellly · 06/04/2018 08:10

This sounds just like me as a child!! I was popular and had no trouble with making and keeping friends. I could talk in front of class etc and got good grades, but I moved retreating into my own world of books as a kid. I started to be interested in socialising 14/15 but even then I still wanted quiet time in between to re charge.

I think for some people being chatty and social takes it out of you and you need to relax and be quiet.

If it helps as an adult I have friends at work and outside of it, i don't seem to have any problems socialising but still love the odd quiet weekend to myself with silence and books 📚

Didiusfalco · 06/04/2018 08:14

Oh god, are you trying to manufacture a conflict?

I was like this at school. I was happy, friendly with lots of people but not to the point of socialising outside of school. I’m a functioning adult with lots of friends now. Leave the poor girl alone and stop being so controlling.

Raines100 · 06/04/2018 08:14

Maybe the friends are ok for passing the time with at school when they are thrown together but not close enough to socialise with outside of it? Friendships, particularly in early high school, can be very fickle. Are the a new-ish set of friends, as in only formed in the last couple of years? Perhaps she doesn't want superficial friends in her personal world. Perhaps in a couple of years, if these friendships have stood the test of time and fashion changes, she might feel more comfortable spending time with them outside of school.

Dillydallyontheway · 06/04/2018 08:22

Just to give a slightly different perspective on this... I was exactly the same at that age and I am now awaiting official diagnosis For Asperger's syndrome, at the age of 40. Autism presents very differently in highly functioning women and they are better at mimicking social interactions and fitting in than men tend to be. For the record two social occasions within two weeks is enough to make me ill for a month afterwards and cause a huge meltdown, not to mention the worry and stress beforehand. Not saying your daughter is autistic too but everyone is different and you can actually cause a lot of stress for her by expecting her to socialise in a way that is acceptable to you.

sandgrown · 06/04/2018 08:32

My son was like this at a similar age. I used to encourage him to meet his friends. I was pleased when he started going out on his bike. He told me years later that he just rode round on his bike as he had no friends to meet . It made me so sad that he had done this to please me. He is now an older teenager and never in so be careful what you wish for!

Doryismyname · 06/04/2018 09:35

I noticed a wide gap in terms of physical maturity and social behaviour among DD and her friends in Y8. Some 13 year olds can suddenly appear very grown up. They are into boys, hanging out, makeup, they dress older and want to do lots of things that others the same age are not interested in or ready for. It’s possible that your DD is happy to be with these girls at school but doesn’t want to spend time with them outside school as she is just not into the same things as they are right now?

jacobsgirl · 06/04/2018 09:38

I was like this as a teenager ! Total book worm and couldn't keep my Nose out of them it was my favourite way to relax !

By around 14/15 I lost my interest as much and started loving to go out with friends !

I'd let her be , reading is good for her :)

Original poster

2ducks2ducklings · 06/04/2018 15:18

Her friendship group includes people she has met since moving to secondary school as well as people she has gone all the way through primary school with.
My intention certainly wasn't to control her, just to encourage her or give a gentle nudge should one be needed. I just worried that she was sat in her room in the dark (why do they insist on always having the blinds shut?) being miserable alone. She doesn't come across as shy, she's quite an opinionated kid and at the minute she's studying for an English speaking exam (which would have made me physically ill if I had had to do it) and she seems to be absolutely fine with it. Is it possible to be a confident introvert?

OP posts:

domesticslattern · 06/04/2018 15:23

Yes of course it is possible to be a confident introvert.
Have a read of 'Quiet' by Susan Cain if you want to understand how your daughter's energies may be different to you.

nokidshere · 06/04/2018 15:37

Oh god, are you trying to manufacture a conflict?

Don't be ridiculous, it's not controlling to be concerned about your child during the teen yrs. it's quite easy to imagine everyone else's teens are out and about having fun and your child is being left out.

Like a pp in my experience lots of 12-15 yr olds are fairly insular outside school and prone to spending lots of time holed up in their rooms.

16 yr olds on the other hand - well I hardly see mine these days!

PickleFish · 06/04/2018 17:16

worrying about or being concerned about is one thing, insisting that she arranges two things a week is quite another! That's the bit that comes across as a very controlling way to ease this concern. Like many others, I'd have ended up pretending to socialise, just to make my mum feel better - not solving the problem, and not good for my mental health generally, feeling inadequate for her standards.

Even if she is miserable, making her do things like that isn't likely to solve the problem. Facilitating any socialising she does want to do, taking her out on her own, suggesting things but not putting pressure on her, etc., all good.

Graphista · 06/04/2018 17:32

You keep referring to what you liked and did at that age - she's NOT YOU

Sounds like she's a natural introvert, so this is a break from enforced socialising at school. In addition like calls to like so her friends are likely introverts too and so she knows it would be difficult to get them to agree to do something more extroverted. OR they enjoy doing things she doesn't.

Which is a very long winded way of saying leave her alone.

She's doing no harm, sounds happy enough and well adjusted.

I'm with pp - if it ain't broke don't fix it!

My 17 yr old was similar at this age - these days I rarely see her!

And yes - shy and introverted are not the same thing.

thethoughtfox · 06/04/2018 17:34

She may be an introvert and need this down time after the noise and bustle of school life.

Nicolamarlow1 · 06/04/2018 17:37

She may have friends at school and be one of the 'friends with everyone' type but may not have friends who she feels close enough to, to ask them to join her in the holidays. Do her friends ever invite her to join them? It sounds as though they don't. By all means try to get her out in the fresh air but try not to interfere with her school friendship dynamics, she would probably hate being coerced into inviting people if she doesn't want to.

bonnyshide · 06/04/2018 17:56

Don't force her the make plans she doesn't want to.

Just support her, let her be herself, and always make sure you are there for her if she needs to talk.

My DS was very reclusive until about age 15, a couple of years later we can't keep him at home. Maybe she just hasn't found her 'tribe' yet and is just friendly with most people.

ArialAnna · 06/04/2018 21:32

Yes, of course you can be both confident and introverted. I think it would help you understand your daughter better if you learnt more about introversion. Search on you tube for 'ted talks the power of introversion'. It's not long and very informative.

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