How to stop being a helicopter mum

[FlaminYon]

I know I need to let dd(17) start spreading her wings but I don’t know how without panicking. My anxiety is going to ruin her young life if I don’t find coping strategies for learning to let her go out into the big, bad world.

Very brief background ..
I have brutal anxiety and depression though these days I’m handling well but that’s only until something goes wrong then it’s “PROTECT EVERYONE OR WE’LL ALL DIE” kind of anxiety and panic.

Dd was bullied for years and has only in the last year come out of her shell. Throughout the bullying I could have killed many people including teenagers because I was so hurt for her. Any slight against her now brings it all back and I become a raging monster wanting to annihilate whatever or whoever has hurt her (so wrong I know and all to do with my inability to control my emotions where dd is concerned)

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and try every day not to be her but this monitoring of my dd is smothering for her and I’m afraid it’s narcissistic and she’ll grow to feel about me the way I feel towards my mother.

I know I need to let her learn herself about people, friendships, relationships, trust, getting hurt, deciding her own boundaries etc but I find myself ‘fixing’ every little issue she ever encounters. This is bad, I know that and I’ve held back as best I could and am getting better but still room for improvement.

She’s an only child. We have a great relationship really but I’m afraid if I continue I’m sending her into the world unprepared for real life and alway dependant on me for solutions and never trusting herself.

This is all my doing. She’s said a few times “mum you’re over-reacting and worrying for nothing, I’ll be fine” and the like so my ‘fear of everything’ doesn’t seem to have passed to her but I’m sure my constant checking up on her and checking her iPhone location is getting to her. I want to know I can get to her and know where she is if anything happened but if I keep doing it it’ll either drive her mad or cause her to become like me.

So I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t know how to stop it. How do you not worry? How do you not know where they are and not panic? How do you know they’re heading for a fuckup and not try to prevent it knowing they will get hurt. Does knowing they will learn from their mistakes or bad experiences help take the worry away? I’ve only parented her so have no experience with an older child.

I’m sorry this is long and rambling. I’m trying to rush it too as I’m in Work and could be called away at any minute so wanted to get it posted (dd is going out tonight and staying out with a friend I don’t know, hence the panic!)

I’d appreciate any input and thanks in advance.

Sorry that was so long

Sorry, no advice but I am in exactly the same situation. The anxiety is awful and I don’t know how to stop interfering unnecessarily in her life. You want the best for them, so you try and ‘help’. X

It’s awful isn’t it?

It feels like letting your toddler play in the street accept you know she’s not a toddler, you know she knows what to do in an emergency, you know it’s only your anxiety, you know the chances of something happening are slim yet the danger feels exactly like letting her play on a busy road.

I can’t wrap my head around it. I really wish I could be a chilled out mum.

The most ridiculous part is KNOWING you’re being irrational and not being able to stop it. A powerless feeling. Then you defend it (its to keep her safe, anything could happen, she’s not an adult) because to not defend it is to admit to someone else (dh, mum, mil etc) that you’re weak and vulnerable but worst of all, holding your child back.

I do think somebody of your reaction is completely normal when parenting a teen. It is really hard to not know everything that is going on and you trust them. Letting go is really hard and does produce some anxiety.
However monitoring where she is via iPhone is beyond the remit of normal parenting and things like this I would agree you need to be aware are quite controlling. You know there is an issue so you are almost there with solving it!
When you get the urge to overcontrol like this I would have some positive statements to stop you doing it. So thinking about how great it is that dd has niceness friends to go out with (particularly if she was horrible ones before), how great she is mature and confident enough to travel away from home on her own. Find something to keep you busy while she is out. Go out yourself and take advantage of not needing childcare!
It is difficult but you sound like a great Mum who doesn’t want to repeat your mothers mistake.

Sorry for all the typos - on phone.
‘I do think some of your reaction’

Thank you

Just noticed all my own spelling errors too

I feel better than I did some months ago both for me and dd. Initially I just basically stalked her, made all her decisions for her, helped her reply to texts and stand up for herself. Then it went to asking her “how do you think you should handle this situation and trying to help her solve her own issues but still being there and now I’m at “I know you can handle this babe and I’m here if you need to talk”. I say all that with a reassuring smile but inside I can feel my entire body shake like every nerve is jumping at the same time. It’s anxiety, I’ve learned that so I’m sticking to the plan of ‘operation dd freedom’.

I’m learning that how I feel and my anxiety are not dds fault or problem so she shouldn’t suffer for it or feel smothered or stunted. I just wish my lizard brain would switch off.

My anxiety is GAD (generalised anxiety disorder) or as I call it ‘everything anxiety’. This means, for me, I’m afraid of flying, being a passenger in a car or bus, wary of strangers, noises outside even during the day and a million other things. I catastrophize everything. I imagine the worst possible thing happening so flying is crashing and dying, passenger is crashing and dying, strange people will stab me, rob me, kidnap me. Noises outside are a gang going to get into the house and take dd or do awful things. Foreign travel (if I survive the plane crash ) is the movie Hostel or Taken. Is so crazy it’s actually funny really!

So you can imagine the terrifying scenarios I can think up when it comes to dd. There are millions of them and even though I know there is the smallest of possibilities of anything happening, if the possibility exists at all then my brain will blow it out of all proportion. It actually fucking sucks big time.

By the way I don’t expect a reply to this latest post, I’m just trying to vent and reaffirm for myself how irrational I am.

Thank you for saying some of it is normal. That actually makes me feel a lot better and your suggestions of having a sentence or two prepared is great too, something I’d learned and forgotten from CBT therapy so thanks again for that

At least you recognise this could be a problem.

I grow up with a narrassistic mother - but it was the complete opposite. I wasn’t the ‘golden child’ therefore I had to become very independent at a young age as I was basically on my own.

If your daughter is 17 she could potentially be off to university in a year and living independently. Does she have the life skills to do that? Or haven’t you given them to her for fear of loosing her?

Have you thought about some counselling? It could help.

I'm exactly like that!
I use find my iPhone to keep track of DD.
I imagine all sorts of terrible things are happening to her/going to happen to her.
I envy mums who can just switch off and not worry. I asked my own mum if she worried about me when I was out (way before mobile phones!) and she said she couldn't remember but she didn't think so. Can you imagine just saying goodbye to your teen DD and her going out for the whole day without you being able to call her or know where she was for like hours and hours?? And yet that's what happened. And I always came home relatively unscathed!!
You are not alone OP !! But I am getting better at just getting on with my day. And to have time to do your own thing is good too.
I'll never completely stop worrying, but I try to think of what most kids of her age would be doing and try to be content with that. So for example age 10 I would worry about her going to town with friends for a few hours. Now aged nearly 15 I don't worry about that at all. But if she was out late at night (which she doesn't yet!) I would fret, but when she's 18 I'll have to learn not to worry about that.. One day she'll leave home and live somewhere else, and then I'll have to learn not to worry if I don't speak to her for a few days at a time. I can't expect her to check in with me every time she gets home when she's 25!!
She's off to Italy in the summer on an adventure holiday with school, and I can choose between thinking she's having a great time and will come home safe, or worrying that the coach will crash, ferry will sink, she'll drown, fall off a mountain, get abducted by aliens.... I'm going to try to choose the former as much as possible!! I find mindfulness helps when my thoughts get carried away into those terrifying scenarios..

I think you’re using the term narcissist wrong here, narcissistic is when you love yourselves too much( in your case your mothers) , your mothers were overprotective/not very caring maybe but not narcissists by any means .

I think it’s fair enough to want to know where she is/ general idea of plans for the evening. But in a caring way, not intrusive and controlling.

I think it helps to think of them telling the story of their life in the future. How do you want to feature in that? Controlling and interfering or someone who was available, but could also stand back.

In a practical sense - maybe it’s time to change your own life too - and become busier yourself with your interests?

Just on a quick break in Work. Not ignoring replies, will definitely get back to them but wanted to address the narcissist comment. I understand I’ve only mentioned same and mother in relation to being over-protective so it may appear I don’t know the meaning of the word but the reference was about my smothering my dd and ‘controlling her’. I know when I do it it comes from a fear for her safety (still needs to be addressed) whereas my mother wanted to control me.

There is much more I could write about my mother who is most definitely narcissistic but I pointed out only one connection as 1) I have a fear of becoming my mother and 2) I feel dd will feel like I’m trying to control her for narcissistic reasons as opposed to my being over-protective.

I hope that makes sense. I don’t have much time but will re-read thread when I finish work and try to make more sense then.

Thanks for replies.

I worry about my 13 year old DD, but not to the extent you describe.
Something that has helped is that when she was 12 I arranged a long language exchange for her to the continent. She was away, living with a family we had only learned to know a little through the process of arranging the exchange, for 2 months. This included going to school there. That family allowed their children more independence, and DD was travelling in the city on her own, etc, and trying out lots of new things, meeting lots of new people. She absolutely loved her time there, and came home more confident and independent. I learned to let go a bit. It's really easy to arrange overseas exchanges. Why not arrange for your DD to go away for 3 weeks or a month in the summer on an exchange like this? And while she is away, only phone her once a week for a chat - do not try to keep tabs on her, or to interfere with the other family's rules? Having that period away from her life, with little contact, would really help I think. Not knowing what she is doing, day to day, should reduce your anxiety and get you used to her leading a separate life. And she will have the opportunity to become more independent. It doesn't matter if she isn't interested in another language - plenty of families will be happy to welcome an English speaking child, and to give her a fun overseas holiday.

I definitely do not have the kind of anxiety you have, but I do understand the constant worry. My DC are too small for me to worry about them out and about but I feel it with my DH and other family members. Honestly? I fake it. Intellectually I KNOW I cannot panic every time DH has to drive home super late at night. So even though I worry, I don't let him see how much. But he does understand so is also understanding and sends me a text when he's on his way so that I have an expected arrival time.

Similarly, my mum used to worry about us but didn't try to restrict us. And as a result, we were all very good about staying in touch with her and trying to help ease her worry. For example, if we were going to miss curfew because a lift was late or something, we would call her. Other friends would be horrified we'd wake our parents up, but we knew that mum would have been at least half awake anyway and would appreciate the heads up. So perhaps if DD understands, you can find a place where she is considerate but you also are able to let go.

I'd also say consider the kind of therapy that give you tools to manage things (is that CBT? I think so). So you don't go to talk about your anxiety so much as to help find ways to manage it.

Good luck. You are doing so well by acknowledging the problem. I've known so many parents who drive their children away with their crazy behaviour.

My situation is similar. Pretty sure my mum is narcissistic and I wasn’t the golden child either.

I did read a long time ago - that narcissists see others as an extension of themselves and I think this is where we need to be wary as our children grow up. It is their life.

You do have to trust them and you do have to let them go. But make it clear they can get a taxi home/ phone for help if they want to.

My DD told us her plans last night, they changed completely and she ended up staying with a friend. She did let us know. She then didn’t get in touch all day - she’s a work - but she has just texted to say she’s on her way home.

It’s unsettling, but she is 18. I can’t control her, nor do I want to. But she does seem to talk to me a lot more than I did my mum, because she does have space.

I think you need to refocus. This isn't about your DD. It's about your anxiety. How do you manage your anxiety? Are you on meds? Do you see a counsellor? Do you have coping strategies?

Yes, other posters are right, perhaps this is actually two separate issues: allowing your dd the freedom to grow as an individual and become confident in her own ability to go out into the big wide world and cope independently; and allowing yourself to let her go!

I can understand where you are coming from, as I have a friend with similar anxieties (and teenagers about to fly the nest).

Perhaps you would find it easier to let her have her independence if you were better prepared to cope with your feelings. Have you ever thought about counselling for your anxiety? Because it is ruling your life at the moment, isn't it?

@crimini83 - I can’t speak for the OP, but my own mother was / is a narcissist.

Characteristics include - her being more important than anyone else, a lack of empathy - this can manifest itself as just letting children get on with it.

I’ll give you an example. I spent weeks in a French hospital after suffering a pretty horrific accident she never thought about visiting (I suffered a head injury). This for me is what I meant about her and my ‘independence’.

I am in a sense in the opposite situation, as it is my dd (now 20) who suffers from GAD.

She also had a physical disorder which means she can collapse in pain suddenly, say when crossing the road, so her life is always going to be slightly scary.

Her panics take different forms, but one common one is paranoia about people liking her (she is actually a very pleasant person, well liked, as far as I can make out, and a good loyal friend).

We have had a lot of "re-focusing" conversations over the years, after initial CBT sessions with CAHMS. What really helps is to remind her- or lately, to get her to remind herself- that the actual scenarios don't matter: this is her anxiety speaking and once she is under an anxiety attack her brain is going to go on inventing reasons for it. It's like her body reacting to an allergen or fighting a virus infection; the physical symptoms are part of the process. Just saying out loud "this is the anxiety, it's got nothing to do with the actual situation" helps quite a bit.

Then distraction, rather than trying to "fix" the situation. So rather than trying to do something about a friendship situation that is almost guaranteed only to exist in her head, she goes through a soothing ritual, like colouring in or watching something soothing on Netflix (for years, it was the Poirot series). This has the double advantage of actually distracting her and of establishing that "the problem we are dealing with here is the same old anxiety, not something dreadful that is going to happen because I said the wrong thing".

In your situation, I would sit down with your dd and make some general rules about your level of control. They should include what she is to do if, say, coming home later than expected or wanting to stay out all night, they should certainly include not checking her location on the iPhone, they should limit the number of texts or phone calls from you if she is out or away from home. Then when anxiety strikes, you won't have to agonise over what to do: you can simply refer back to the rule book. "Yes, I'm having an anxiety attack but I will not check up on dd's location because Rule no. 6 a." And then you can roll out your distraction programme straightaway rather than having to balance it against a decision-making process.

Accept that your anxiety may be there to stay, but that you can at least hope it will move away from your dd to some extent once you see how you have helped her to turn into a capable adult.

I have had to accept that my dd will probably never be free of her anxiety. But she has managed to deflect it, for most of the part, from its most destructive manifestations (which in her case were crippling health anxiety to do with her condition). That's a great result. If you could manage that with your dd, it would also make you feel better about yourself.

I think learning to let them go is hard. We are programmed as mothers to protect them. It doesn’t seem that long ago that they were helpless babies depending on us for everything and who stayed in the same place as we left them if we put them down! And now we have to let them go off into the big, bad, dangerous world.

I have an only child too. He is almost 17. He doesn’t actually go out much. Which worries me too! But when he does go out with friends or in a school trip or whatever I do worry. But I know I have to let him.

I think in your case your anxiety is magnifying something that is a normal process. So dealing with your anxiety is key. Not just for your relationship but for you and your own quality of life. Especially as your dd will potentially leave home soon. (I joke that I have to like wherever DS goes to uni as obviously I will be living there too!)

My mum was a worrier and we knew that. It was in the days well before mobile phones though but we knew to call if our plans changed no matter how late it was as she wasn’t asleep anyway.

It sounds like you've worked really hard at controlling your reactions and knowing what is real and what isn't. Operation dd freedom sounds great, you've clearly identified and acted out the actions you needed to take. Given the anxiety this must have caused you it's impressive - give yourself credit for that!

Next step is obviously about you and controlling your actions when she is not with you.

Step 1 is, of course, allowing her to choose what she wants to do without interfering.

Step 2, what you do once she's made that choice.

Can you get dd on board? Does she know about your anxiety and how it affects you? How about sitting her down and explaining what happens now and what you want to achieve? Perhaps you could come up with strategies that the two of you can use to help you get used to a better mindset?

I'd suggest things like; she will tell you her decision (eg I'm going to go out with Laura on Friday) then leave you so that you can control your urge to ask questions (where, when, how long etc) you will then work out what you need to know and come back to her when you feel calm and able to have a conversation without it spiralling.
When she's out you will limit yourself to checking find my iPhone to once when she is due to arrive and once when she is due to be on her way home. She agrees that she will text you when she is leaving and if there are any delays (either to when she is leaving or on her way home).

You will, of course, find it difficult but it is about you learning that she can do these things without the sky falling. The only way you are going to manage it is to start and having dd onside with some clear expectations and boundaries may just help?

Sorry if the above is a load of rubbish, just my thoughts on a possible starting point. You've clearly achieved a lot already

So sorry I didn’t get back online last night. I was shattered after work.

Firstly, thank you all so much for taking the time to read and reply. I absolutely appreciate every message and have taken on board your thoughts and advice. It really does mean a lot so thanks again.

I’m worried this post is going to turn into an essay so I’m sorry in advance if it does and there’s no need to reply. I’m also aware that this is mumsnet and not a therapists office but I feel I need to explain the anxiety a bit as some of you have pointed out this seems to be two separate issues. Maybe, maybe it’s many more and in acknowledging that, maybe I do need counselling which is something I’ve started several times and never stuck because it was too emotional.

My mother is a recovering alcoholic. I’ve never seen her drunk but I’ve heard about it since childhood. “You’ll drive me to drink”, the serenity prayer, AA, recovering alcoholic, “I have a disease”, “don’t break my anonymity” (before I even knew what the word meant). I counselled her, looked after her, parented my brother from I was 8yo. I was terrified of her. I cleaned the house from top to bottom every time she went out as per her parting instruction “have this place spotless by the time I get back”. Everything had a place and nothing better be out of place with her, she’d notice the smallest thing. I grew to a teenager on my nerves and though I knew she loved me (she was very loving and kind when she wasn’t in a rage) I was very sad most of the time. This is when, looking back, I can first identify anxiety and depression.

I was around inappropriate things from an early teen. My mother was first to introduce me to hash. I first got stoned with my mother and her then boyfriend. She (for reasons I still can’t fathom) seemed to want to make me jealous of her. I wasn’t in the slightest but, I don’t know, weird.

Her punishments where physical. I remember one time she whipped me so bad with a belt and I didn’t know how to tell her she’d made me really sad so I wrote her a note (I was 9/10yo). When I handed it to her she smirked, crunched it up and threw it in the fire. She was a tyrant. I could write a book. A conflicting one. One of love and fear and terror and abuse and kindness and fun and helplessness all rolled into one. I feel guilty writing this, like I’m harming her. That’s part of it, the guilt that burns whenever I try to go to counselling. I don’t want to bitch about her but they keep coming back to her. I cry, I get a pain in my gut and into my throat and I never go back.

My father wasn’t around (I never knew him) but he was mentioned anytime I was ‘bold’ enough to be sent somewhere else if “I didn’t fuckin like it!”. My brother was told the same about his father. I watched her clatter my brother around the head when he didn’t know his homework. I’m still traumatised to this day of that memory. I feel more like his mother than his sister. I protected him when I could. See saying all this makes her sound like an animal but she was very affectionate too. I was told I was loved every night before bed, we both were. We had nice clothes, food, a clean home. She didn’t play with us but she made us laugh and cuddled us. I don’t know what any of it means.

I was pregnant at 14yo (terminated at her insistence) ran away several times. I had a saint of an aunt who was always and still is my shelter from the storm. She’s also my mothers enabler. She doesn’t know it or mean it, it’s just how she grew up. The caregiver, the saviour. She’s an angel. I hooked up with anyone who’d accept me and be nice to me. We’d get married and have a lovely life. I’d be a great mum I told myself when I had the chance. I’d never hit my children. I vowed it. The humiliation is lifelong in my experience anyway. The pain lasts far longer than the sting.

Was I sleeping with her boyfriend? I must have done. I’m a slut. I didn’t.

I left school at 16. I got away from my mother at 17. Despite being a minor I was given special privilege by social welfare to live by myself and receive a special payment weekly as I was too young for normal adult assistance. They agreed to this having met my mother.

She still hounded me. Banging on my door and window whenever she wanted. Do this, do that, go here, go there. Mind your brother. You’re a bitch. Fuck you.

She met a new man. Another recovering alcoholic. They married. Was I jealous. Look how well she did? Look how happy she was? Come up and talk to them while they’re lying in bed like a couple of teenagers, like me.

I got drunk, I took drugs, I partied. All (somewhat) normal teen things. I fell in love. He loves me too but he left for another country. I followed him. He didn’t want me. Closure. Fine. I partied for a year.

I came home. She was delighted to have her amazing daughter back! I met another man. Pg within a few months. He drank all the time. I had a reason to change my life, my baby, dd. The greatest gift my heart could get. She was EVERYTHING.

I left him. He was a waster. Plenty of threats to take dd but never the balls or the actual intention to because that would interfere with his social life. I trained for a new career. I made it. My dream job and I could afford my own mortgage. I wasn’t amazing then. I was competition. Some days I was bragged about to her friends. Isn’t her daughter brilliant? Didn’t she do well to raise such an amazing daughter? Other days I better do what I’m told or I’d have nobody to look after my “fucking child”. I became a bit stronger. I can’t do that today mum but I do love you and I don’t want to fight. The most hurtful thing she ever said was in reply to that - “fuck you and fuck your love”.

Dd would have a good Mum. I’ve slapped her twice in her life and at that a tap. I’ve loved on her, I’ve been loved on by her. She saved my life. She deserves everything I can give her and be for her. She can talk to me. She can have chores but not be my slave. She can have feelings and not be afraid. She can have an opinion and voice it without fear. She can be anything she puts her mind to and I will lift her up as high as I can to make her dreams come true because she never asked to be born. She never asked for me. She got me. I have to protect her. It’s my job.

How do I do that without wrapping her in cotton wool and stopping her learning and living her own life? I have to accept that I am doing more harm than good by protecting her. She’s not me, she’s dd, her own person, a beautiful young soul.

I met DH when dd was 3yo. We’re married, Happy and he’s a great dad.

I had a health scare a couple years ago. It was the point at which my anxiety turned to panic attacks several times a day. I’ve come a long way. No Xanax anymore but have lexapro. Did Cbt. Helped somewhat. I’m trying with every fibre to heal and send my baby into the world prepared and confident I’m just not getting there as quick as I’d like.

The funny thing is I can handle anyone else’s crises, it’s my job and I’m bloody good at it. I just can’t cope with my own (imagined) crises. Crazy.

Dd knows about my anxiety. She was there the night of my stroke and she knows how scary it was. She understands I’ve been to Cbt and she understands that panic makes me think awful things that aren’t real or real threats. She’s as accommodating as any teen could be and she checks in with me if her plans change. She’s beautiful. An incredible human but she’s an empath. A sensitive young woman and I feel an animalistic need to protect her.

I guess it just goes with the territory. Maybe I’m over-compensating so that I’m not my mother. I will be better and I will not destroy her.

Thanks again for all your help x

Wow, Flamin, you're amazing to have made the progress you have. It does sound like counselling would be worthwhile, you sound like you could be ready to have another go at that. I completely relate to the guilt of talking about a parent in a session, in my case a very angry father, but all I was doing was describing facts - what happened good and bad - and my counsellor was very good at being factual in return, not looking shocked or disapproving. Flag to them up front that you find that part hard, that you've stopped coming because of that before, hopefully they'll tread carefully as a result. Or show them the thread.

Having tried both, I'd say a possible advantage of CBT over say psychotherapy is that you don't need to delve into that stuff quite as much - the context and reasons for your thought patterns are important, but they are solved through reframing your thinking rather than somehow having to come to terms with the past.

Do you have access to the Beating the Blues website? My GP referred me. I’m finding it really helpful - it’s for anxiety and depression. I find it helps me think about things better, and I prefer it to speaking to someone. Although the program feels a bit patronising at times - at least I’m not second guessing what someone thinks about me
(I have mild depression through my kids having chronic illness).

Hi AS and Picasso, thank you both so much for replying and for the advice you’ve offered.

I still have my most recent counsellors phone number and he did say he would keep my file should I change my mind so... I’m going to ring him. I’ve been thinking, I’ve done the self-help reading, the Cbt (which I found the best for the reasons you gave AS) and I’m taking the pills. One thing I’ve always avoided might actually be the answer though or at least the final piece of the jigsaw.

I think I’m going to throw everything at this. I turn 40 in a few days. This can be the year I change my life (if I don’t get murdered or killed in a plane crash!) See, I still have a sense of humour

I’ll take everything available to me, the counselling, the lessons from my Cbt sessions, the medication (which I hope to stop some day) and do some reading like the website you suggested Picasso. Fingers crossed.

Thank you to everyone who posted, truly it has helped me immensely. To those who shared similar stories, I hope you are all well and healed or healing and getting on with having a normal, happy life. That’s all any of us want isn’t it?

FY

Good for you Flamin, I hope it's the start of a really positive change for you.