How to stop being a helicopter mum

[FlaminYon]

I know I need to let dd(17) start spreading her wings but I don’t know how without panicking. My anxiety is going to ruin her young life if I don’t find coping strategies for learning to let her go out into the big, bad world.

Very brief background ..
I have brutal anxiety and depression though these days I’m handling well but that’s only until something goes wrong then it’s “PROTECT EVERYONE OR WE’LL ALL DIE” kind of anxiety and panic.

Dd was bullied for years and has only in the last year come out of her shell. Throughout the bullying I could have killed many people including teenagers because I was so hurt for her. Any slight against her now brings it all back and I become a raging monster wanting to annihilate whatever or whoever has hurt her (so wrong I know and all to do with my inability to control my emotions where dd is concerned)

I was raised by a narcissistic mother and try every day not to be her but this monitoring of my dd is smothering for her and I’m afraid it’s narcissistic and she’ll grow to feel about me the way I feel towards my mother.

I know I need to let her learn herself about people, friendships, relationships, trust, getting hurt, deciding her own boundaries etc but I find myself ‘fixing’ every little issue she ever encounters. This is bad, I know that and I’ve held back as best I could and am getting better but still room for improvement.

She’s an only child. We have a great relationship really but I’m afraid if I continue I’m sending her into the world unprepared for real life and alway dependant on me for solutions and never trusting herself.

This is all my doing. She’s said a few times “mum you’re over-reacting and worrying for nothing, I’ll be fine” and the like so my ‘fear of everything’ doesn’t seem to have passed to her but I’m sure my constant checking up on her and checking her iPhone location is getting to her. I want to know I can get to her and know where she is if anything happened but if I keep doing it it’ll either drive her mad or cause her to become like me.

So I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t know how to stop it. How do you not worry? How do you not know where they are and not panic? How do you know they’re heading for a fuckup and not try to prevent it knowing they will get hurt. Does knowing they will learn from their mistakes or bad experiences help take the worry away? I’ve only parented her so have no experience with an older child.

I’m sorry this is long and rambling. I’m trying to rush it too as I’m in Work and could be called away at any minute so wanted to get it posted (dd is going out tonight and staying out with a friend I don’t know, hence the panic!)

I’d appreciate any input and thanks in advance.

flaming I don't have anything helpful to say except that I wonder whether what you need is someone to mother you, as that was missing for so long. You are trying so hard to be a mother to your dd, and succeeding brilliantly, but perhaps you need someone to just be a counsellor in the true sense, just supporting and loving you, and expecting nothing from you. Have you heard of person centred therapy? I think you are still on red alert, remembering all those things that were expected of you, and worrying about failing or letting people down. I don't think the anxiety will go until you can stop being so brave and let someone look after you. Your aunt seems to have been wonderful but as you said she was an enabler because she allowed your mother to continue treating you terribly by allowing the situation to continue in the home through her support, there just doesnt seem to have been a point where anyone genuinely allowed you to be a child. So I wonder whether your dd is almost like you in your subconscious mind, she has been through a lot and you are trying to protect her. I feel so angry on your behalf and your brother's behalf, but your dd is going to be fine, she has a wonderful mother and she will be safe, even without you protecting her. And those times when you are not looking after her, she will still manage because you have given her so much over the last few years that will see her through.

My mum was difficult sometimes when I was a teenager (and suffered from depression when I was about 17 -23) but take heart from the fact that the mistakes I made (no doubt mistakes that any mother would long for their child not to make) gave me strength for the future. In fact the times when my mother thought she was helping and interfering on my behalf, actually made things worse long term, although in short term appeared to solve problems for me. As your own experiences show, we are all incredibly resilient and your daughter will manage, with all the good things you have given her, to make a good life.

But what is more important now is YOU, and your happiness and for someone to look after and support you, in the interim, so that you can be the best parent And more importantly he person you deserve to be.

I hasten to add, my mother is still as source of great support to me, and never treated me in the way your mother treated you, I suppose I just wanted to say, that when you feel down, and feel you are letting your daughter, that support and the genuine constant unselfish love WILL stay with her, even if you think you are not doing the right things and doubt your abilities.

I just wanted to say one other thing.

I was very very anxious when ds1 was in his first year of secondary, and there were all sorts of very good external reasons for this, ds2 had SEN, ds1 had some sort of issue with his behaviour in new school (turned out to be dyspraxic) I had no support as my family were abroad, dh found his job difficult etc etc. However, it turned out that none of these reasons were the real reason I was so terribly terribly anxious and depressed aged 44 in Feb March.

I had a thyroid problem, undiagnosed, and severe vitamin d deficiency. [And I probably had some sort of mild dyspraxia myself undiagnosed since forever} Once a blood test had established this, and I received treatment for the thyroid and the vitamin d and stopped beating myself up about all the things I was not so good at, things improved a lot. So I do think that in some cases depression can be organic, and can be helped by a combination of things, Vit D is very important to mental health in teens and adults. I take 2000 iu a day now on doctor's orders,, and I suspect my own mother suffered massively from this too, as she lived in dark rainy country.

You need to get help for your anxiety.

My mother was so over protective and fearful and invasive of my privacy, I now have to take medication for anxiety and i think her behaviour in part caused it.

Maybe start off with little but often when trying to let go.

I see the other side of it at work so-called adults who can't make a decision or read a document; bring their parents into meetings to ask questions for them; have their mum make phone calls for them.

I find those "adults" ridiculous and rather pathetic - I know you don't want people think that of your daughter, because you have recognised the issue.

Start tackling it now, don't let you daughter be one of the people I roll my eyes at.

I'm not trying to be hurtful, but to let you see the consequences

but anxiety is so crippling when it is bad that consequences are not necessarily helpful.

Like hoarders aren't helped by being reminded that they are surrounded by mountains of stuff. Tackling the reasons for the anxiety is the first thing, and then a list of small things you can do to let go, followed by big things that might seem out of comfort zone and work up to those over a long time. But it is not a quick fix, and trying to throw you in at the deep end is not going to help. Sometimes just a little bit out of comfort zone with a lot of praise for yourself as you do it, might be the answer, rather than telling yourself you are doing it all wrong and have to pull yourself together. Be kind to yourself.

Ds1 had a terrible accident when he was 9, and it took me a long time to get over the fear that my children would crash their bikes/come to harm. Actually I still don't like the boys riding bikes. But dd goes skateboarding all the time. And coasteering and diving. To start with I could only let her go because it was in an organised group, now I feel calmer about her going with a friend on her skateboard. Little things will become more bearable and then bigger things will follow. Watching people makes things worse I find!

Oh bless you. Yes, you must go to counselling. I hope you find the strength to stick with it and get through it. It seems obvious that it's the missing piece for you.

I agree with the posters who have said you need to set some ground rules around how you will deal with your lovely DD. But I don't think you should involve her so much with setting them and discussing the anxiety, it may feel like a burden for her and if you do work through it yourself then in a few months there may be no need for her to have been so involved.