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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

I've just slapped my Son and feel horrendous

45 replies

Givenup43 · 02/04/2018 21:19

My 14yr old Son is controlling and abusive and literally every single night he'll swear at me if something isn't quite right and speak to me as though he's my abusive husband.

I live alone with him and his 11yr old brother.

He has Adhd and OCD so some issues to deal with but the constant emotional abuse is so draining.

I normally take it and calm the situation down whilst telling him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable.

But tonight I was waiting until HE was ready to watch a program. He called me down and then said he wanted his brother to be in bed 9.10pm. As it's the holidays is said he could stay up and also won't be dictated to by a 14yr old so I told him his brother would be up later but not to worry as we can still watch our program.

He then called me a c, actually you really are a c. Your a f*** whore... your husband rapes you....

I was so disgusted and upset that i slapped his knee. It's now red and I feel terrible...

Advice and thoughts?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 02/04/2018 21:21

How you didnt put him under the patio for talking to you like that!

Would some time apart help you both? Is there an aunt/uncle/grandparent he could stay with fot a few nights?

Feelings · 02/04/2018 21:23

That's horrible language and he really does sound controlling.

Slapping wasn't the right approach and you know that, but you need help.

Have you contacted SS?

CormoranStrike · 02/04/2018 21:23

He sounds vile, 𝚈𝚘𝚞𝚛 reaction seems restrained in the circs.

KateGrey · 02/04/2018 21:25

Bloody hell! I have two kids with asd and adhd so know how tough it can be but that’s in no way an acceptable way to talk to you. He sounds hugely abusive. Are you getting any support?

Whisky2014 · 02/04/2018 21:26

Big fucking deal you slapped his knee. You have bigger issues to deal with

sparklepops123 · 02/04/2018 21:29

You need some outside help. Honestly you must be too much conditioned to his behaviour because I could not deal with that

Original poster
Givenup43 · 02/04/2018 21:30

It was just instinct to the total abuse and disrespect he was showing me.

I never hot them ever and hate it which is why I feel so bad...

He is seen by Camhs and trying to get an appointment next week. No major help... I'm just left to deal with it.

Of course I know I was wrong but I'm only human.. and day after day and night after night of being spoken to like that and controlled and the disgusting lack of respect for me. His condition is no excuse

OP posts:
ClemDanfango · 02/04/2018 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparklepops123 · 02/04/2018 21:31

And yes it’s not his knee I’d of slapped - it’s more his comments that worry me

treeofhearts · 02/04/2018 21:31

How you kept your cool at all I don't know. I'd have knocked him into next week. Seriously don't feel bad.

Alwayswonderingwhere · 02/04/2018 21:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StormcloakNord · 02/04/2018 21:37

I read all that and was prepared to tell you not to give yourself a hard time for slapping him... I thought you'd slapped him on the face! I probably would have if anyone spoke to me like that!!

Don't give yourself a hard time, yes its not ideal but fuck me he sounds like a handful and a half.

We all have a breaking point Flowers

ozymandiusking · 02/04/2018 21:44

Only his knee, I'd have smacked his face!

foodiefil · 02/04/2018 21:48

Thought you meant his face. A slap on the knee - don't feel bad.
What did he do?

mercurymaze · 02/04/2018 21:51

try to keep cool and it's only words that he's spoken to you however hurtful, walk away, keep quiet, let him get it out. i know that probably sounds crap advice but you need to keep yourself safe.

Nkhutch · 02/04/2018 21:51

Although slapping is frowned upon a lot of people are guilty of it at times when there limit is reached. You need to seek further advice about his behaviour it is totally unacceptable and they way he talks to you is disgusting.

cdtaylornats · 02/04/2018 21:51

Better you slap him now than he tries that in a pub in 4 years and gets a kicking.

ChipInTheSugar · 02/04/2018 21:53

I'm dealing with similar, albeit to a lesser degree with the swearing. Have you heard of NVR? Non Violent Resistance. There's a good fb page by Sarah Fisher - Connective Parenting using NVR - , and also a group called Breaking the Silence on SEND VCB - lots of support and advice on there.

Please don't beat yourself up over slapping his knee. You are only human and this behaviour would push a saint to their limits.

DullAndOld · 02/04/2018 21:55

really don't worry, you only slapped his knee....
Good grief I thought u meant you had slapped him round the chops, and frankly you did well not to.

Original poster
Givenup43 · 02/04/2018 21:57

Thank you all, you've helped me feel better. Yes I will be seeking extra help tomorrow.

Thank you for your support

OP posts:
TeachesOfPeaches · 02/04/2018 21:57

I would have smacked his mouth. Absolutely disgusting language.

mineofuselessinformation · 02/04/2018 21:58

I'd remove privileges. It's the only way to go with behaviour like this.
Yes, he has ADHD, but you as his mum are trying to equip him with the skills he needs to be able to function as an adult.
I'll give you a scenario and you can judge how you feel about it (sorry if I'm projecting but I do think it's relevant):
One of my dcs has ADD. As a teenager, they liked to tell me to 'fuck off' - a lot.
One day, I reached my breaking point. I told them 'don't you fucking well tell me to fuck off, I'm fucking well fed up of you and fucking telling me to fuck off...' and much more in the same vein.
Suffice to say, they were very shocked. It only ever happened once more (as a token gesture, I'd like to think!), and then it stopped.
Take back some power. Don't let him dictate what happens in your house.
I know you're trying hard to accommodate his needs, but the line must be drawn somewhere. Thanks

Scabetty · 02/04/2018 21:58

What was his reaction? I would have slapped him too Angry. Don’t feel bad, talk to him about how his behaviour has to change and how you feel. It’s not all about him. As parents’ we put our feeling to one side but as children grow up they need to know we get upset too. This may be a positive thing if he realises he went too far tonight.

Desmondo2016 · 02/04/2018 22:01

Another massively anti smacker here with complete compassion and understanding at why you did this. Mums or not, we havr a limit.

Mayhemmumma · 02/04/2018 22:01

I think your reaction was just automatic and not conscious, its understandable. It's never good to hit anyone of course not but he has grown up with a mum who doesn't smack or hit so he will know that your response was unusual.

Problem is, he has learnt what will get a reaction from you. You might find he goes even further with the insults next time. Prepare what you'll do. I would suggest, turning and leaving the room.

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