Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

I've just slapped my Son and feel horrendous

45 replies

Givenup43 · 02/04/2018 21:19

My 14yr old Son is controlling and abusive and literally every single night he'll swear at me if something isn't quite right and speak to me as though he's my abusive husband.

I live alone with him and his 11yr old brother.

He has Adhd and OCD so some issues to deal with but the constant emotional abuse is so draining.

I normally take it and calm the situation down whilst telling him in no uncertain terms that his behaviour is unacceptable.

But tonight I was waiting until HE was ready to watch a program. He called me down and then said he wanted his brother to be in bed 9.10pm. As it's the holidays is said he could stay up and also won't be dictated to by a 14yr old so I told him his brother would be up later but not to worry as we can still watch our program.

He then called me a c, actually you really are a c. Your a f*** whore... your husband rapes you....

I was so disgusted and upset that i slapped his knee. It's now red and I feel terrible...

Advice and thoughts?

OP posts:

sparklepops123 · 02/04/2018 22:02

You lashed out because your frustrated , I ssid before you need outside help,please do that for you

mindboggled88 · 02/04/2018 22:02

Wouldn't be worried about smacking him I'd be worried about what he said, and that comes from someone who was smacked about regularly as a child!

He needs help, but I know how hard it is to get it from CAMHS :(

TeeBee · 02/04/2018 22:05

Jesus wept! If my son spoke to me like that I'd have knocked him into next week without the slightest bit of guilt. He just cannot be allowed to get away with speaking to you like that, irrespective of special needs. That needs jumping on. You reacted mildly under the circumstances.

mercurymaze · 02/04/2018 22:08

please don't get hung up on people getting wound up on his words, as I said they are just words said in frustration from him, it's hard but you need to ignore, walk away, let him get it out. retaliation will just wind him up more.

chocatoo · 02/04/2018 22:13

I don’t know how you put up with him...because there is no alternative I expect. I feel v sorry for you and his sibling.

MysweetAudrina · 02/04/2018 22:14

I would have instinctively slapped his face and would make no apology about it. I would also remove every privilege he had. You feel bad for slapping his knee? Whatever about the name calling I could cope with that as it is generic but what he said about the raping that would have resulted in a slap. Yeah we all know violence is wrong but sometimes you have to stand up for yourself and sometimes it is an appropriate reaction if not necessarily a constructive one.

bertielab · 02/04/2018 22:15

I don't smack but I don't blame you.

In addition - I'd remove all his 'nice things' from his room, change the wifi and password protect the TV etc and then he can set about earning them back.

I do have a friend who had a daughter who was foul to her and she removed everything except, mattress, sheet and duvet and alarm clock (I believe she left her the bible and the complete works of Shakespeare like Desert Island Discs! as well). Every single item was earned back over about 4 weeks. But the verbal abuse stopped. No phones, no internet, no tv, total grounding.
Can you call in an adult support network of friends? etc and have a meeting to set down boundaries and absolute 'no go areas' such as swearing etc.as a family.

Verbal and emotional abuse must stop.

Mayhemmumma · 02/04/2018 22:20

Hang on reading back. You had an abusive DH OP? how much of the behaviour has D'S seen/heard/been made aware of?

Does he know that you have experienced rape? Could this be his immature way of talking about domestic abuse. Could he be confused and angry about your/his experiences and his relationship with his (?) Dad?

Just a thought. Maybe this is a good opportunity to ask him why he said what he did and does he want to talk?

Original poster

Givenup43 · 02/04/2018 22:56

I haven't experienced rape at all... it was just something he said to be extra nasty and disrespectful.

OP posts:

Nettleskeins · 02/04/2018 23:04

two things. first as the mother of two sons one with ASD and the other some SEN possibly autism, certainly some social communication issues, I know from experience that anxiety can build at the thought of watching a favourite programme with the other around. It can be an obsession to watch it without the other brother present, as they have a sort of fear that something will spoil the programme, however blameless other brother is. That is part of OCD/ASD, a fixation with detail, anxiety about sensory things like another person in the room. Okay so that may be the background to his extremely horrible behaviour - he is phobic about his brother ruining the programme.

The second more obvious thing is that he probably needs trauma counselling if he has lived with an abusive adult in the house. I'm no expert in this, but I don't think you can solve this problem without some help. He's shouting abuse at you because he is copying something he has heard his dad do? Even if he hates what his dad did, or feared him at the time? Maybe when you tell him off he is actually frightened that you are going to be like his Dad?

So much going on here for you, please don't feel guilty for slapping his leg, but DO consider that he has a trigger response to some situations, whether from sensory overload, or past trauma, and someone in authority (Ie not just you, his loving mum who has experienced trauma herself, and still is) possibly needs to talk him through this/give him strategies.

There is no way you should put up with this just because he has autism or OCD or ADHD, but part of not putting up with it, might be to find out what the triggers are and how to resolve them.

Nettleskeins · 02/04/2018 23:09

have you read The Explosive Child? google it on mumsnet, it has lots of help with violent outbursts and how to pre-empt them. There are always going to be situations where your child won't be able to cope and you cannot make it alright for them, and that's when they need some sort of emotional toolkit.

Mayhemmumma · 02/04/2018 23:18

Ok I thought it could be something he'd picked up on. This sort of behaviour can obviously be learnt behaviour and I wondered if it had come from the example his dad has set.

Still stand by saying your response was understandable.

QueenNefertitty · 02/04/2018 23:26

I've never been able to imagine hitting a child.

Until I read this.

My sympathy is entirely with you, OP, not your awful son and his red knee.

lattewith3shotsplease · 02/04/2018 23:28

OP,

Do not feel guilty...as a Mother of an adult Son with the same diagnosis ,
this is well out of order.

RedWineAllMine · 02/04/2018 23:30

Whatever happened the the good old belt & slipper? The world has gone crazy with slapping is child abuse etc. He deserved that slap and a lot more. Dis respecting you like that, and dis respecting women. He need to shown its wrong now instead of later on, when it wouldn't be you doing the thrashing, it would be someone else.

NellythePink · 02/04/2018 23:38

I agree with a PP about removing absolutely everything that is fun about his life and making him earn it back. Please don't feel bad about the slap, I think you actually showed impressive restraint, I would have wanted to punch him in the face. I am horrified on your behalf.

DamsonGin · 03/04/2018 06:04

Don't beat yourself up about the slap, it sounds like a very stressful and difficult situation!

If you're able, shout from the hill tops for help as his reactions to stress or a change in plans are obviously inappropriate but also unsustainable, in that it sounds like it's breaking you and he'll be in a lot of trouble in the big wide world reacting like that (which I'm sure you don't need telling).

Can he get any help coaching better responses, from someone who can unpick why he responds like that, i.e. what impact have past life experiences had and what part do ADHD impulsiveness and OCD anxiety play in this? If that someone can give you tools to understand, head off problems and work through reactions, that could be useful. But I think he needs some external professional help, it can't all be left to you.

Also, can you get some respite at all, it sounds like it would do you good?

TheBakeryQueen · 03/04/2018 08:24

What he said was shockingly bad and needs nipping in the bud now or he is going to lead a very unhappy life thinking that he can speak to women like that.

But, like some other posters, I am womdering what he has witnessed, what was his dad like?

Runninglateeveryday · 03/04/2018 17:14

Op don't worry about slapping his knee. DD is an only child with similar difficulties I leave the house when she's being vile, but that's not something you can do with another child. Its a disgusting way to speak to you and he needs to know that so do not over aplogise as it gives him more control!

DD is very controlling but again no one else will put up with that crap, do you pay for his mobile ? The only way DD complies is by cutting her phone off with a warning, she went ballistic at first but now knows it happens and whilst I'll compromise she doesn't make the rules.

Ps if he's like my DD he will use this now to control you, do not allow this, ignore it. I once snapped at DD and grabbed her arm she threatened to call the police, I went in first and told school what happened, so any further attempts at emotional blackmail were blocked. If it makes you feel better DD is quite angelic now in comparison and there's maybe a monthly incident instead of an hourly one, she calmed down around 16.

thethoughtfox · 03/04/2018 19:31

There is no one who doesn't have compassion for your story and understands why that happened. Use this as a turning point. You will not be abused any longer. Ask for help.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread