16 year old son ran away from home.

[Daniel2018]

Hello, Thank you for this forum and hopefully, I can get some advice. On Saturday, prior to my family going away Easter Sunday celebrations, my 16-year-old son hurt his little sister, (such that I had to take her to the A & E, thankfully she was seen to and where told to keep her on painkillers, she will be okay.)

When he hurt his sister I was not at home, his mother confronted him, (he had lied, placing the blame on his younger sibling) rather than apologise and take responsibility, he verbally challenged his mother. Totally out of character as he has been brought up better. He then got his coat and walk out when his mother was upstairs telling his siblings he is never coming back.

I tried calling him and texting, he ignored all attempts of which I later discovered that why his phone was still on, was that he had asked (strangers to us) a boy he used to play rugby with to come and fetch him. When I was at the A & E after sending him a message saying that with the nature of the injury, when the sister explained to the doctors, there was a likelihood of social services being called and in turn police and I would have to tell the truth that he has run away and that only puts him as guilty, that's when he responded saying he was ok and at so and so house. Long story short, I managed to get the address of where he was by saying that I would bring him a change of clothes, I asked for the number of the boy's parents and only then did they get in touch with me.

when I went round there later, he refused to come down and talk to me, eventually upon the insistence of the mother, he came downstairs and pretty much did not say anything, I told the friends mother that as he was feeling the way he was, I would talk to him the following day when he was much settled. During this time the mother had said she was happy with him being there for a couple of days.

So when I left the house, our agreement as parents was that we would try talking the following day upon our return from the church event which was out of town. When I got back as agreed the previous day, I would call and go over. when I called the first thing she said was have Police been to your house? When I explained that we had just arrived and wanted to come over she said not today, I have had to call a few people because your son has said he does not feel safe coming home.

I have had to notify police about what has gone on.

I truly do not know how o further proceed or approach this and evidently, he is saying anything to paint a bad picture of us and he being the victim.

Do not know if anyone has been in any such situations.

Personally I would (and have done) let him have space but leave the lines of communication open. It might sort itself out or he could go into supported accommodation and start his adult life. Tbh with you, if he’s hurt a sibling to the point of hospital it might be wise not to have him back at all and have social services sort him out with supported accommodation.

I left my parents at 16 and wild horses wouldn’t have brought me back.

@gamerchick - thanks for the response. I have left the lines of communication open directly with him. It hurts as I have never had any cause of concern in the past. Even though I know he despises being seen with any of us (parents). He has had everything and anything that he has asked for( within reason). It's just painful I guess and also how its now playing out with the other parent.

You had a family crisis, threatened your son with police and ss repercussions and then went away to an oprional church event when your son was so distressed he ran away to a friends'.

Something is wrong here and I think you all should co-operate openly with SS and accept all the support that is available to help deal with it whatever it is and I do not say that lightly.

This is about a whole family dynamic, not just your son.

Did he intend to hurt her, was it an accident, or did the situation get out of hand and injury was the consequence? What’s the age difference? Do they often fight?
If he has no history of this ever happening before, why did you threaten him? Did the hospital report the injury, or did you just make up the scenario of police involvement to frighten him? So you then abandoned this distressed child and took your injured child off to a Christian event out of town. Was she fit enough to go and participate? Did you leave her in hospital?
Your son needs help and support if he is to sort out this episode. Good thing a stranger has more compassion. He is safe, and not with you. When the situation has calmed, perhaps your priest/vicar/holy man can act as mediator.

@HeadingForSunshine - Thank you for your response. If it appears as if I threatened my son, I guess that's how it appears to you. I informed my son, advising him that, once the law starts taking its course, there is not much I could do for him. I need to talk him and I would be in a better position to help him if it came to that. The choice of going to church event was to try and let all situational fronts reset and hopefully have a fresh approach. Are you suggesting that I should have gone back home, sit and watch the walls the whole night? Cancel the event for everyone, because of my son, who clearly hates to be seen with us, but only when it financially suits him? What message will I be sending to the other siblings, whom he does not want to be associated with? We as parents have done the best we can to teach him true values of life, love, and peace, right and wrong and accountability to all, yet he shuns his own kind? I was told this behaviour was a teenage phase and this will come to pass, however, it seems to be only escalating. I do intend to be truthful with all agencies that will get involved, but how do you deal with a child who would, if it where possible, change his skin colour and have nothing to do with the very people who have given him all the opportunities he has? You may judge me for being a Christian, but by making sure he was not in the street, I put my son first above all else.

You are correct, it is about the whole family dynamics, unfortunately for my son, it's about him and him alone. Just with this incident with the sister, he has not taken ownership, or even checked to see if she is ok now. I have taught my children to learn to apologise and accept responsibility or ownership for their faults, the other two have and he chooses not to unless he wants something. that shows that he knows what he is doing, but cannot be bothered.

Second sentence in yr third para so0unds like a threat to me. I see no evidence of you trying to sort out his troubles or help him with them. It all seems to be about control and expectation.

And what's with the @ and the pm unusual options for a non regular poster to know about.

He’s 16! It’s a shit age and no they don’t like to be seen with their parents usually, it’s a natural part of development to start to seperate from their parents and learn how to become an adult. It’s the age when you stop telling them what to do and obeying strict rules and give them more responsibility for themselves while being in the background to guide and pick them up when they fuck up without putting sanctions on them.

This is the age where parents commonly don’t listen and stick to the my way or highway and a teen who doesn’t feel listened to can reach the point of leaving to break the stranglehold.

Your son is seeing a different world to you, they’re still pretty self absorbed at that age.

I don’t know how religious are but if it’s very, then it’s time to just be his dad.

What did you tell the police?
What actually happened?

Well clearly he needs help. What did your son do to put another child in hospital!? That's not normal behaviour.

If this is left or swept under the carpet now, what's he going to be like as a full grown adult and in a relationship? Domestic abuse is a huge problem which needs to be addressed.

He needs professional help - not to swan off round his mates for a breather.

@SkatingFastOnThinIce - Thank you for your response, Hope I will manage to address your questions fully.

Did he intend to hurt her, was it an accident, or did the situation get out of hand and injury was the consequence? THE WAY I SEE it, this was an accident which went off the rails, therefore there was no cause for him to do run off. He shouted at his mother, which he has never done before, he is mummies boy which was the shocking element to this. Had the grandmother not been around, he could have easily struck his mother, that's how frightened she became.

What’s the age difference? - she is 10yrs he is 16yrs, so 6 yrs apart

Do they often fight? - The usual children sibling issues, though he has a habit of trying to divide the younger two so that he is center of attention. They both love their brother and want to play with him. When it is the younger two without their elder brother, it is a quiet house, they play well together. I have a son who is 12 years old, he is autistic and the older brother has it in his mind that he is faking it.

If he has no history of this ever happening before, why did you threaten him? THIS IS THE FIRST time this has happened. I had a child I was rushing to A & E and another who was out somewhere, not answering my calls or texts. I was trying anything to get some form of response, engagement and I was hoping that I would then go and talk to him. Instead, he called his rugby mate.

Did the hospital report the injury, or did you just make up the scenario of police involvement to frighten him? - The injury has been noted and recorded. As mentioned previously, I was trying anything to shock his system so as to know that he was ok, then I would go and talk to him.

So you then abandoned this distressed child and took your injured child off to a Christian event out of town. Was she fit enough to go and participate? Did you leave her in hospital? IF IT COMES ACROSS as I abandoned him, what do you suggest I should have done, camp outside the door of his friend's house? I know distressed, I have seen and dealt with distressed children and that's not my son. As for going ahead with my daughter to the church event, it was on the advice of the doctors, that she had to be moving her neck constantly for at least 24hrs, then she would be ok. The medication would work quicker and more effectively. She is now right as rain and playing around.

Your son needs help and support if he is to sort out this episode. - I AGREE, he needs help. That is why I have come to this site, I too need help in trying to figure a way forward, how I can get him to open up and talk. But as I mentioned before, I am the wrong skin colour for him, I embarrass him.

Good thing a stranger has more compassion. - WAS IT A CRIME TO agree to leave him there? When I went there to try and talk to him, he did not want to, we both agreed as parents that let us leave him to cool down, however when I was truthful in saying what I would be doing for the next 24hrs I was judged as this uncaring father. I have put the other children's desires and wants on hold, taking him to every rugby game and training session, at times 6 out of 7 days in the week it was rugby, all in a hope and working towards his future, but now I am this uncaring parent.

He is safe, and not with you. - This is a low blow

When the situation has calmed, perhaps your priest/vicar/holy man can act as mediator

I told them the truth. The true events of everything. Yes before you ask, I did mention that I went to church

He hurt her neck?

Yes, throw her down head first. Mind you he is a rugby player and a good one at that.

This kind of thing has never happened before, and you think it was an accident?
So I really don't understand why you went off on one, threatening him with social services and police. Teenagers tend to catastrophise, and assume the worst, as parents we need to diffuse situations and help them to calm down.
Perhaps you were worried and scared and overreacted? If so then you should apologise to him.
For whatever reason now your son is scared and thinks he can't safely come home. Can you think why that would be?

He sounds like a little bastard

I'm hearing a lot that makes it appear that you have one bad child, despite all of your apparently fabulous parenting, and two good ones.

You have listed only bad things about him, his behaviour AND his character.

If I can see this in a few short minutes I wonder what he sees?

Maybe time for some reflection on your parenting - he didn't get this way alone...

OP people are gonna tell you how you're son feels like you hate him, they're going to question your parenting skills, but in all honestly he's a 16 year old cry baby by the sound of if who's loving the drama and attention.

You and his mother have done nothing wrong. So what if you told him SS might get involved, it's not threatening him it's the truth.

OP,
He's possibly feeling bad about what he did.

Don't panic let him have a cool off period.

Having much younger siblings can be a pain in the bum sometimes.

So he’s a teenaged rugby player and enthusiast who hurt his sister, you think accidentally, whom he normally has a good relationship with. I’m delighted that she’s fine now, how does she feel about her brother? What’s her version of events? Were they roughhousing, or did he suddenly attack her?

I think everyone needs a cooling off period, then you need to sit down and have a family conversation without threats about what needs to happen in the future. You may need a mediator.
Not a low blow to say he’s safe and not with you, you are currently unpredictable and not thinking clearly, and words and actions carried out in those circumstances may cause further harm to your family and your son in particular.

Liquidgold, my friend had to ban rugby in her house and garden because her lads got way too physical, people got bruised and stuff got broken. That’s not bastardry, that’s teens trying stuff out without thinking of consequences.

OP I don’t know if you’ve been here long but you don’t need to PM us individually. Just replying on the thread is enough.

Why would social services and the police be involved?

My kids have hurt each other accidentally and A and E never reported it to the Police. The eldest threw the youngest off top bunk once, deliberately, and A and E never called the Police.

Unless there is more to this, I don't understand why you've told your son the Police are going to become involved?

Thank you for all your insight and feedback. This is my first attempt at this and only registered on this site at 11 am this morning as I am trying to figure this out. Everything is new to me right now, so I apologise for my initial @ replies.

Thank you also to those who have sent positive and non-fault finding feedback and advice.

Also to those that have criticised, fair dos, each to his own. I have never raised a teenage child before, so for me all this is new territory, people can have question with regards to my parenting styles and so on, but if it is a crime to teach your child the difference between right and wrong, teach your child to take responsibility and ownership for one's own actions then I am truly wrong. I do not claim to be perfect, I am just human just as the next person.

If it appears as though the other two children are saints, they are not. They are just like any normal children who will try their level best to getting away with anything, however, even when they fight, it the typical sibling stuff, and they have learned to sort themselves out, apologise to each other, hug and move on. When the big brother is around, it is totally different.

As to my mentioning about Police and Social Service, it is the truth. It is the way of life with people of my colour, judged and stereotyped before the truth is heard. Turning up to a hospital with a child with a swollen neck is bad enough, and once again as mentioned, this statement was mentioned in panic, driving to A&E and worried to the born about his safety. He only had to say "Dad I am ok, I am at a friends house"

My daughter's version of events is "he grabs her from behind, told the brother to get something from the room and he threw her on the floor, where she fell head first, twisting her neck" That is the same or similar as to what my other son says. The siblings love their brother as I mentioned before and are failing to understand why he has run away.

"you are currently unpredictable and not thinking clearly" with regards to this, if I was a violent person, who gets crazy mad, this would be fair to say, I am just a concerned parent who has no clue how to deal with a 16 yr old son.

With regards to him say he is fearing for his safety, it is something that I only learned about last night from his friend mother, had this been the case, would this not have been the same thing that was said from day one? So, from my point of view, what is he being told to say I do not hit, my children, they will tell you I will talk and outline all scenarios for you, what you do after it is up to you within reason.

I wasn’t thinking of you being physically violent. You have already used words that caused your son to run away, if you say more whilst angry and upset, the rift between your son and the family will be wider and harder to bridge.
He’s still the same person he was last week or last month. In order for him to learn, he has to be able to listen first and he won’t do that whilst he’s still panicking and self-justifying and feeling under attack for something stupid he did that hurt his sister. So you and your wife need to be the patient, consistent and fair adults here.

I think involving the police and social services is a cop out, it’s your family you deal with it. Do you really want to make your daughter give evidence against her brother ? And why do you keep bringing race up ?