Tell me about your Y9 13YO DS

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

DS is 13 in year 9. A very young 13 at that. He left primary with a bug group of friends but has struggled since starting at Grammar. I feel like he’s being left behind socially. He’s still small and skinny whereas many of his peers now look like men almost . I hear seemingly endless tales of parties from other mums and I think DS has been invited to 2 in the whole of years 7-9. He used to go to the joint discos with the girls school but those stop in year 9. Left to his own devices, he’d play Xbox and be with me, DH and dd. Never instigates meeting people in town for example. He plays lots of sport and we are always happy to ferry him wherever. When he does get invited to things, he’s delighted. I know he’s afraid of asking people to meet up in case they say no so he finds it easier no to ask in the first place to avoid potential rejection . I feel like, although he’s lovely, friendly, funny, he appears too “young” to some of his peers now. Tell me what your year 9s are like - surely they’re not all alpha males, on a permanent party??

My DS1was like this. By year 11 he was a bit more social. He's now nearly 19 and goes out most weekends, but normally to hang out with a small group of close friends.

So long as your DS is happy, I wouldn't worry too much, lots of people are content in their company. From what I've heard about these parties (DS2 is a party animal ), it's probably a blessing he's not going to them.

Thank you. I think he is happy generally and I have heard some eye watering stories from parties. My niggle is that he’s sooo pleased when he’s invited to a big event that I think he’d rather it happened more often. Perhaps I should just chill!

I know what you mean about some Y9 boys looking like young men and others, not so much. I don't think it makes a difference though - my son had friends in both categories in Y9.

Sport always helps, so that's good.

As long as he's not showing a reluctance to go to school (a sign that social bullying/exclusion may be taking place) try not to worry.

I would also say that lots of boys view Xbox as a social thing as well, with games being online now - it's different to gaming 10 or 20 years ago. My son was just as happy to have a night in on Xbox with classmates as he was to go to Nando's or whatever with them.

My yr9 DS does far far less than yours, OP. No sport, no identifiable social life. Is very average height for age (just under 5'4").

Had one party invite in last 2.5 yrs (DS attended & enjoyed part). In yr7 DS tried a school disco but hated it & came home after 20 minutes.

We joke he'll never leave home, tbh. Is happy like that.

DD, in yr11, has plenty of not-great stories about parties (she didn't attend). She doesn't feel like she's missing out.

My DS is 13, in year 9, very tall skinny, good group of friends, he doesn’t go to any parties though, he hangs out in the park or plays xbox online with his friends. He is bored a lot of the time and doesn’t do any schoolwork 🙁

OP your DS way ahead in the physique dept. DS 13 almost 14, very skinny and 5ft tall, shortest in his yr. Not sporty at all. Most social interactions are online. He went to a party 3 weeks ago which I was delighted about . He is hopeful though that from the numbers he collected, it’s only a matter of time before he snags a girlfriend! Well why not?

My DS was very small at 13, but now he's 15 he's massive! Your DS will catch up . I wouldn't worry too much about him being quiet socially - some people just are and maybe that's just his personality 😊

I know you're asking about boys but my dd1 is kind of similar. She doesn't really do the social thing, parties, hanging out by the shops etc. I'm quite glad tbh, she's got a small group of friends and seems happy with them and her own company.

Thanks for all the replies. DS is very different to me, much more similar to DH. I think I find it hard sometimes to hear the almost faux/mock complaining from other mums “DS is sooo busy, practically a party every weekend, nightmare...!” I think things are harder these days - I wouldn’t necessarily have known there were things that I hadn’t been invited to. Kids today have it all rammed down their throats with social media

Every son described on here sounds perfectly normal to me. My son is Y10 and very mature and opted out of the party scene. He’s enjoying having a gf though!

You almost described my 13 year old DS, Avon, 😊

He’s very small (looks like a 9 year old) and doesn’t seem very mature in a ‘streetwise’ sense. He does have a small but lovely group of friends who, although they look like men, are quite similar minded to him and they do get together outside of school about once a month or so. Not for parties but they go to the cinema or bowling or have a movie sleepover. Definitely no parties (which I’m quite thankful for).

Your son sounds lovely and I think that there’s a massive range of maturity at this age where some boys won’t have changed much since age 10 and some sound like they’re very late teens. IME, they pretty much even out over the next couple of years though.

DS is a young yr9. He does a lot of sport & has a good bunch of mates. He has never suggested meeting mates in town because hanging around/shopping is not his thing. He goes to the odd party but is not part of the regular partying/have girlfriends scene. If I really feel he should see some friends in the holidays I will offer to drop him & a couple of friends at the cinema with money for pizza afterwards. He wouldn't think to ask me to do that though.

My 14 year old is a strapping 5ft 11 yr 9, one of the tallest in his year. Most of his friends are probably about 5ft 7.

Most of his friends would be regarded as the "cool" group, but he's also got friends who keep themselves to themselves. He tends to sit in the middle, appears to have lots of friends. Happy to go out but also happy to spend his life in his room!

My son is a young year 9 he’s just started at boarding school in September and is definitely one of the youngest mentally in his house. He goes to very few parties but a lot of his prep friends are smoking drinking vaping he’s not interested and I’m glad. Although he went to a friends house and was given a beer by the father of the house !!

@Squeegle My DS is 13, in year 9, very tall skinny, good group of friends, he doesn’t go to any parties though, he hangs out in the park or plays xbox online with his friends. He is bored a lot of the time and doesn’t do any schoolwork 🙁

Sorry I had to smile at your post because it describes my ds exactly especially the schoolwork bit!

I'm quite relieved that my ds isn't going to the 'cool' drinking weed smoking parties I'm hearing about from others. Though I think a lot of it is exaggeration ! I wouldn't know how to keep a handle on it tbh.

My DS sounds very much like yours OP well, apart from physically. He’s gone from being one of the shortest to one of the tallest in his friends but I’m sure they’ll all catch up very soon.

I’m pretty sure my DS is happy. He says he is anyway

DS2 is 14yo and in year 9. He is 5’10”ish, size 11 feet so fairly grown up physically. Plays a lot of sport and have two good groups of friends. He goes into town with them fairly often but also spends a lot a lot of time on the Xbox.

He doesn’t go to many parties at all, certainly not the drinking type.

DS1 is 17 and has been out the last 4 nights and plans to go out the next couple. This is al fairly recent though. He also didn’t grow height wise from yr5 to yr9 but then suddenly shot up.

Its useful to note that not everyone shoots up! some people are just short and that's okay too.

@unravellingfast snap!

DS 14, Y9 5ft5, also sporty. Big group of friends.

In the holidays meets friends occasionally for an activity eg watching a football match, bowling etc. Rest of time plays xbox with them.

Never goes to parties - there don’t seem to be any. Thank God!

My DS 14 is a very young 14 yo and hasn't shown any signs of puberty at all so he is by far the shortest in his year. We did have him checked out by a doctor and it looks like he is just a late developer which is annoying now but he will be glad of when he is older when he looks 10 years younger than men of the same age. He isn't even 5ft yet and very skinny. He is quite immature also. We live abroad and as an expat I think it has kept him my more naive and immature as a lot of the kids his age are similar mentality to him. His school offers lots of extra curriculars but he doesn't do any in school but he plays football twice a week outside of school and swimming once a week which we have insisted on (ie a physical activity of his choice 3 times a week). Being an expat friends are always coming and going and he keeps in touch via xbox gold so that gets played more than I like. Birthdays tend to be celebrated at adventures parks. Its so hot here that they go to water parks and theme parks and wake boarding. Bowling when its too hot or hang out in each others houses. There is a formal this year and the parents have been talking about it and its like we have to force the boys to go and the girls have had their dresses planned since September. I asked my son about it last week and he just groaned.

Thanks for all the replies. One thing I struggle with is that DD, who is 2 years younger than DS, is much more mature physically and socially. She has a v large group of friends and they arrange stuff between themselves at the weekends whereas with DS even though he’s 13 I’m still arranging things or heavily prompting him to contact someone. Yesterday he popped out to town and forgot his house keys. He messaged me to see if I could come back from work - no I couldn’t. In the end he hung around outside our house for 1.5 hours on his own until I got home . He said his phone was on zero so he couldn’t call anyone to meet up so he just waited. Not helped by DD asking “why didn’t you just walk round to XYZs house?”

Avon, I think the prompting to organise stuff is a boy thing! My DS is rubbish at that sort of thing, thinks it's alright to try and arrange stuff last minute then is surprised when his friends are busy. He's just lazy!! I know is female friends are much more organised!

Stressedoutfred absolutely