Too controlling for a 17 y/o daughter?

[Taylormai]

Hi everyone,
I don't know where else to go as I am the 17 year old daughter and would really like a second opinion from other Mothers.
My Mum is a single parent and has been my whole life. My little sister is 15 and has aspergers therefore tends to spend a lot of her time in the house.
I would say my mum is the most angry person I've ever met. She doesn't work at the minute and when I get home from college at half 5 every night I have to do jobs that she decided to not do in the day time, even though I am revising for 4 A levels right now. It really puts me down and it's gotten so bad that recently she went away for three days to see family as she wanted a break from parenting so left me with my sister and our 4 dogs, but she didn't even ask if it was okay with me.
I'm not allowed to go out too much or stay at my boyfriend's house much even though it's the only place I am not stressed. She calls me selfish for picking days to stay after college to do extra college work.
I am trying my very best and I still feel like she controls my life but then the next minute wants me to be an adult/parent. I do a lot around the house, yet I still have to be in the house to look after my sister a lot.
I've tried to get help for us but she refused it and told me I've broken her for wanting help.
Please, please please help me as it gets me down everyday of my life and I don't know how to or if I even should stand up to her because it would be a long road.

Honestly. When you can, leave.

I'm just worried for my sister, and my mum has the ability to somehow guilt trip me for asking to stay at my boyfriend's so I can see his family for the evening. She will say something like 'no because I want you to spend time with your family' but she actually means she wants me to make her coffees and Hoover the whole house.

Have you family you could live with? Not sure what the law is where you are regarding living alone, when do you turn 18?

Could she need to see a doctor? It sounds horrendous for you - but it also sounds like she may be depressed and needs some help. And I don't mean from you; you've got enough on your plate and should not be surrogate parent to your sister. I mean some medical or social services help.

I know nobody sees a problem with my mum and she doesn't see a problem herself so they wouldn't want to get involved. I turn 18 in July then go to University but I am worried for how this could affect my sister since I won't be there doing most of the jobs anymore.

She's had counselling before years ago and they all said she's fine just angry which I understand some people just have a short fuse but it's like she's letting go of her anger but upsetting us by doing it. I mentioned counselling and she refused it and I got early help involved and she keeps saying how 'you've broken me, you've made me feel like a shit parent'

What do you think would happen if you told her how you feel?

I've told her before how she's approachable and things like that but she gets angry and says she is because all of her friends come to her about things it's just because I choose not to tell her things. She says the rules will be changing in the house if I think I can just go to my boyfriend's whenever I feel like it because it's apparently unhealthy even though he's the only thing that's helping me deal with it. My friends have said the only way is to stand up to her and tell her I'm going out rather than asking her. I still have to ask my own mum if I can go out that evening else it's me being selfish by not asking.

Well every family is different but my 17yo daughter still has to ask me if she can go out with pals and stay out overnight. That's different to what you describe in your first post. I think it's unfair that you are left to keep house and parent another sibling. Doing chores is one thing but what you seem to be saying is that you are shouldering a much bigger task. Have I got that right?

Do you think, now that you're almost an adult you and Mum could find some common ground and compromise? I'm assuming she's not violent but I get the impression she could be emotionally abusive from what you first said.

I don't mind reading if you'd like to say a little more. Maybe we could better help with some more information.

Honestly I'd leave as soon as you can, I left home at 15yrs old due to how things were. Its not ideal but you have to sometimes put yourself first

Theres one story I have from the one time I told her she upset me. We were at a family meal and family from Wales had come to visit and I spoke to her at the table of the restaurant and I went to say something more to her and she completely blanked me and ignored what I said. It did upset me, but I kept quiet because I didn't want to cause a scene and when we got home I told her it upset me. She started shouting at me and said that I ruined her night by seeming moody with her.
I understand I need to help out and I do a lot of jobs. I go to my grandmas every Thursday so me and my sister assume she will feed the dogs their tea as we get home at around 7pm but we come in and she's sat down saying she's had a tiring day (she walked the dogs that's it) and presumed to repeat 3 times that she hadn't fed the dogs then got angry when we didn't get the memo that she was hinting.
I understand asking her still but a lot of my friends can be like I'm going to go out tonight if that's Okay, but mine is more of a 'can I stay at xx house?' And she replies with 'no, I never see you any more' even though I am always in the house. And if she is okay with ringing me up and presuming I can just look after my sister and doing her hair every morning for three days without asking if I had anything important, it seems like she will treat me like an adult when it suits her, but happily take away my social life when it suits her. Sorry for the long read.

Have you tried speaking to someone at school about this love? Its a lot of pressure for someone especially at your age. I understand you dont want to leave your sister but you have to take time for yourself. Does your college have a pastoral worker/ support worker or counsellor? They might do you a favour by informing social services (on your behalf so it's not come from you directly) They're not that scary, they are there to support families not split them up. They should be able to set up a part time carer/ befriending service for your sister to take on what you would normally do and also get her out and managing on her own. Its not healthy for her to depend on you and mum. Have a think about it. Sounds like your mum may be difficult either way but with SS involved mum might pay attention.
Oh and you and your mum definatly need to come to a compromise re uninterrupted time to study and downtime for you and time to see your boyfriend. As long as you are helping out at home she shouldnt stop you from having a life. And obviously to a degree It might be wise to respect her wishes re staying out, at least until your 18.
She probably realises she won't be able to hang on to you forever...just make sure if you plan to leave that you get that support in place for your sister.
Good luck xx

It wasn't a long read. I'm just trying to get a better picture that's all. I was raised by an emotionally abusive mother and I moved out at 17yo into my own place but I had a lot of support from a social worker.

Honestly, it's hard to get a full grasp on a situation from just a few posts but I'd dare to say you are living in an abusive household and I honestly think if she's not willing to get help then you certainly can and are more than entitled to. Another poster mentioned that she may be depressed and that may be so but it's not your responsibility to rescue or fix your mum.

Would you think of speaking to your GP who could point you in the right direction, perhaps to a social worker or family agency (I'm sorry, I'm in Ireland so I don't know your social care system)

I know you're worried about your sister too and I can totally relate. My brother is 8years younger than me and it broke my heart to leave him behind but you must look after yourself first. Getting away may be the thing that gets Mum's ass into gear instead of always relying on you to be the parent and housekeeper.

You sound like you're doing great in the face of a lot of personal hurt and emotional turmoil. Good on you. Now try to take it a step further and reach out for help. You don't have to do everything alone and seeking guidance and reassurance from experienced people can only be good for you. You deserve to be you and you deserve freedom from adult commitments that you had no part in entering into or accepting.

See all my friends tell me to just speak to her about it but my mum has had rules set in place since I was born and I've never not followed them, I've never gone against her, I've never done something she doesn't want me to. I don't tell her personal things as much anymore because I feel like it's the only control I have over myself. I could try college counselling, but the people who are currently getting involved think that I meant my mum will hit my sister when I go to uni but because that isn't the problem they all think it's fine and I honestly think that if I told them the actual problem they wouldn't see it. The only reason I'm so worried now is because I am leaving my sister in a house with someone she is afraid of. She doesn't obey through respect but out of fear of the consequences. I don't think that's right and I'm too unselfish (how ironic) to just leave without feeling guilty.

Unfortunately the Social Services have no interest in the plight of miserable, stressed, overworked 17 year olds. I know legally they are supposed to be there to support you but in reality, they will investigate the situation, piss your mother off, and leave you to handle the entire shitstorm they leave behind.

So, A levels soon, yes? Batten down the hatches and study as much as you can, to get the A levels you need, to get into a university as far away from your mother as possible. Get a full loan and don't worry too much about the debt, student loan debt is manageable. THEN call the social services if you have concerns that your mother won't look after your little sister properly, because although they won't give a crap while they know you're there to pick up the slack, they will have to act because of the vulnerability of your sister.

I may have to ask my half brothers Mum who is a social worker with adults for help as she may be able to see where I'm coming from as she knows my Mum. My mum just doesn't accept that she's wrong and I do feel like a slave to her, I feel bad for even feeling like that but when I hear about my friends relationships with their parents it's upset me and made me realise that this isn't normal, and for so long I thought it was. Id have to get more help after this help I already got for us from open minds (I'm in England), could work or not. Thankyou

That's awful Colditz though I'd well believe it!

The feeling guilty OP is like a trained response. If your Mum is the type I think she is then she has been setting you up your whole life to feel that guilt.

I think I'm going to have to go with Colditz advice, she obviously knows more about your social care system than I do and her plan sounds doable. Muster up another few months of determination and get what you need for uni. Additionally, I'd suggest you seek councelling (I can never spell that word, sorry) to help with your core beliefs and set you on a better personal path free from guilt.

Best of luck to you x

Single parent households are under significantly more pressure than traditional 2 parent set ups most of the time, and it is often the case that they require more involvement/cooperation from older children, which other families in more relaxed circumstances would consider excessive.

I do think, however, that leaving you in charge of a younger sibling at 17 for three days is too much, but I have often been surprised at other threads here that do approve and consider appropriate to leave a 17 year old with a younger sibling for a short trip abroad (I kid you not). I do also think, she should be giving you a break to study (and more consideration for your studi

I do also believe that if you had not mentioned your mum is a single parent, people would have been more benevolent to your mum in this thread.

I would suggest you call the childline for advice on how to help yourself and your sister now.

They can also put you in touch with other organisations that can offer support and information on how to move away from your mum and find your feet as a new independent young adult.

Colditz has the best advice.

I left home at 15 as home life was unbearable and very controlled. But I had no younger siblings to worry about.

Bless you, for staying because of your sister. My DH also had a really awful childhood, and his older sister buggered off and left him, even though it was really violent.

You sound like you’re doing so well with studying. Please keep that up. I left 6th form as I had to pay the bills, and it’s a massive regret. But I had no choice.

Good luck x

I'm not sure it's helpful to compare your family to your friends' families. Your DM is a single parent and your DSIS has Aspergers. Both of those impact on the demands on everyone.
I agree with a PP who said focus on your studies.
If you have time, it may be worth thinking about what you think your contribution to family life should be. You're obviously feeling stressed and burdened - what would a healthy contribution feel like?

Do you think your mum could have Aspergers?
It sounds like you are doing an amazing job. What do you want to do after A levels?

I wondered if your Mum might be on the autistic spectrum too.

Is your Dad still in touch at all?

You could talk to a number of services: GP, Pastoral Care Teacher, Community Link Worker, NSPCC, Childline, etc. Do you feel comfortable talking to any of these people?

In reply to everyone; I know my mum is a single parent which I do understand can be difficult which is why I always do the jobs around the house for her without an argument. I don't mind doing the jobs for her but it's difficult when my mum is not working in the day time and I get home from a long day of college and I have the jobs because she's stressed out at the fact she didn't see her friend that day. I try to study yet she will say 'just do these jobs first, you can pause that for a bit' or make me sit with the dogs even though she knows I can't revise in there. All of my closer friends families, 1 out of the 6 has a two parent household. My mum tries to get my sister to go out the house more but tries to make me stay in. I understand the demands are high but I don't think I should feel like the parent in the house, my mum has made a joke herself that I'm the mother.
I would have been fine with the 3 day trip if my sister didn't have such high demands as me and my mum usually help her, but this time it was just me and my sister only sees my mum as her authority figure therefore it was stressful.

My Dad lives a 3 and a half hour drive awat and has two new sons so only visits once a year. My Mum doesn't have any type of autism as when my sister was diagnosed the nurses could see clear that it wasn't from my mum but potentially my Dad.
I want to do Psychology with counselling for the main reason so I can actually give people the encouragement that I need now. And it will be nice to know so much about the subject that when my mum goes around saying that whoever has annoyed her that she thinks they have a touch of aspergers, I can say they don't and she can't argue with it because this time, the first time, she can't actually be right.
I have currently got early help involved and they contacted social services but because there isn't physical abuse they can't get involved, and then every other day my mum tells me that I've made her feel like she has no control or the fact that I've made her feel like a shit parent, or that I've caused a big headache when I could've just told her. Please, tell me how I can tell my mum when I already told her I think we need family counselling and she lectured me for 2 hours and then at the end of it said that she refuses to go

The nurses? Do you really think a nurse has the expertise, knowledge and qualifications to diagnose aspergers? I believe that a diagnose for your mum doesn’t change anything. She will be the same before or after that.

Social services can get involved for emotional abuse (and many other kinds of abuse, It doesn’t need to be physical). If your circumstances have changed since then, give them a call. They will intervene if they think there is a cause for worry, but it will be probably for your sister as you are, I assume, less than a year from being, officially an adult, so even if you were in care you might be out of their remit by now.

Considering your A level results will shape the options you have for the future, I agree that you need to concentrate in your studies now. This is not a time to be thinking of moving out or sorting your mum, when you are, I assume, very close to sitting your exams. You can think about other decisions afterwards.

If you don’t have enough time/space to study at home, go to the library, a cafe, a friend’s home and create that space. If you are not at home you don’t need to worry about constant distractions. The key is, again, to concentrate in your A levels, they are the passport to your freedom.

You will not manage to change your mum or help your sister in such a short time, concentrate in what has more impact in your future life (again, your grades). I would say you don’t even need to worry about finding a way to move out as you will be doing that without major hassle or recourse to support agencies by becoming an undergraduate student.

Best of luck.