Too controlling for a 17 y/o daughter?

[Taylormai]

Hi everyone,
I don't know where else to go as I am the 17 year old daughter and would really like a second opinion from other Mothers.
My Mum is a single parent and has been my whole life. My little sister is 15 and has aspergers therefore tends to spend a lot of her time in the house.
I would say my mum is the most angry person I've ever met. She doesn't work at the minute and when I get home from college at half 5 every night I have to do jobs that she decided to not do in the day time, even though I am revising for 4 A levels right now. It really puts me down and it's gotten so bad that recently she went away for three days to see family as she wanted a break from parenting so left me with my sister and our 4 dogs, but she didn't even ask if it was okay with me.
I'm not allowed to go out too much or stay at my boyfriend's house much even though it's the only place I am not stressed. She calls me selfish for picking days to stay after college to do extra college work.
I am trying my very best and I still feel like she controls my life but then the next minute wants me to be an adult/parent. I do a lot around the house, yet I still have to be in the house to look after my sister a lot.
I've tried to get help for us but she refused it and told me I've broken her for wanting help.
Please, please please help me as it gets me down everyday of my life and I don't know how to or if I even should stand up to her because it would be a long road.

I truly understand your strong need to make her see reason because throughout your childhood she’s been the voice of reason. The truth is, this is a transition period in your relationship with her, in which you are about to realise thaT SHE IS NOT REASONABLE. You cannot fix her. You cannot persuade her into more reasonable behaviour, because she clearly doesn’t listen to you. Is your sister’s father tha same as yours? Could you get him to come and take charge of he situation if she leaves you alone and in charge again for more than a day?

You are not betraying your mother by asking for help from the other adults in your life. Unfortunately you may not get any actual help because she IS GOING TO continue to block it and see it as interference.

So you need to act only for you. YOU focus on YOUR a levels. Speak to your tutors, confide in them that you cannot study at home and your mother tries to prevent you from going places when you can study. They may make a phone call to her insisting that you must do this, and she will bow to their authority where she won’t bow to your needs.

Seriously, be very very selfish for the next six months, get your school to support you as much as they can and take all of that support when it’s offered. Get them to help you with your forms because I have a suspicion that your mother may try to prevent you from moving away if she loses her free housekeeper and childcare in you.

To be honest I think you need more support and help in a long term way than what you can get here.....even though people here will give some good advice.

Can you ask your personal tutor at school to refer you for counselling as a counsellor may be able to help you develop strategies for setting up boundaries, etc.

But it’s very hard when you’re 17yo. I have a 17yo and no, I wouldn’t treat her like this. Are you planning on going to uni? How much support would your gran be if you talked to her?

Although I understand why you're seeing your mum as the obstacle in all of this, you have to shift your focus. You can't change your mum. You can't base a career choice on the hope of having the opportunity to tell your mum that you are 'right' about people and she is wrong.
You need to focus on you. As a PP said, this is a transition period between being a child and an adult. That will change your dynamic with your mum but it doesn't mean you have a role reversal where you get to be 'right' and in control of her.
As well as asking your school to support you by letting you study at school, etc. You could contact some young carers' organisations. The Children's Trust; the Carers' Trust and Action for Children all support young carers. They might help you to negotiate the space you need to study and support you to find your place in your family.

I agree with the advice from colditz. And definitely involve your half brothers mum.

It's not that social services don't bother about emotional abuse, it's just a lot harder to prove. Especially as I get the impression your mum does a very different act in public.

Don't waste your time trying to change her or hoping she will, nothing you do will improve her. And sorry if I've interpreted incorrectly, but it comes across that you are interested in that career in part to say I told you so. Don't bank on it, you could be the acknowledged world expert and she'd still disagree. If you want revenge and to prove her wrong, go on to be successful and happy.

I also don't agree being a single parent is any reason to dump adult crap on your kids. I'm one, I work ft and I would never in a million years expect dd to pick up the slack because of that. Household chores etc shouldn't be increased purely because it's a single parent. Especially given she doesn't work and is just being lazy. And dumping her adult baggage on you is plain shitty, as is expecting you to stay home.

I'm also a single parent of teenager with Aspergers (and ADHD) and another child who is neurotypical. They both do chores appropriate for their age and stage.

But I don't make one child responsible for the other. I don't try to curtail one child's social life. I don't frighten and bully my children into doing what I want, because they know there are good reasons for doing what I say. And should my NT child ever feel he needs help from an outside agency to handle ME, I would be so deeply ashamed and apologetic, I would never forgive myself.

For these reasons, I think she is innately unreasonable and therefore, you should channel your energy into getting away rather than improving your relationship. A levels. A levels and university are going to be your bus ticket out of this situation.

Exactly colditz appropriate for their age and stage, not to compensate you for the lack of a second adult.

And there's also leading by example. Expecting dc to do a & b when they know you do x, y & z is very different to doing nothing yourself and then guilt tripping them into doing all 5.

I also don't get the impression ops mother does much for her in the normal way you'd expect.