15 year old daughter

[Mooxxxmooxxx]

I have a 15 year old daughter who is dating a 16 year old boy. I'm a single mom of 4 years now and I've recently allowed him to go to my daughters room with the door open. Felt that I could trust her but just walked in on her and she had her top off. They both panicked and got embarrassed when I walked in. I told her to get dressed and come down to me but she wouldn't. Went up and talked to them both. Told them I'm disappointed and hurt that she's lost my trust now. I thought we had a good relationship, open, and talk about things but now I think I've been to trusting and worried how to handle this.

You have every right to feel how you feel she is your daughter. Every parent I know is the same including mine. I was 15 when I got with my now husband he was 17. We turned 16 and 18 before doing anything but it was going to happen with my mum's permission or not and it doesn't mean I don't respect her it is just what most teenagers do. 8 years later we are happily married. I remember my mum bringing an air bed in and saying to leave the door open haha. You and your daughter are talking about it which is good. Communication and the pill are defo the best thing to do it's nice that you and your daughter talk about it but don't make her feel ashamed x

I think I would die a death of a 1000 cringing screams if I was 15 and my parent was discussing my sex life and detailing how I had my top off with my boyfriend.

Do you know the parents of the boy, and their house rules? If his parents allow them to have the door closed and be upstairs then unfortunately I think they force your hand somewhat.
If I were you, I would tell your daughter the benefits of waiting until she is 16, that being pressured is not okay (not saying the boy is, but just in case) and discuss safe sex including LARCs which are more reliable than the pill.
And remind her that in your house, you can and will walk in whenever you wish. Although I really don't think she is going to be doing anything in your house for a while!

Sorry forgot to add discussing my sex life with thousands of randoms on the Internet.

‘I think I would die a death of a 1000 cringing screams if I was 15 and my parent was discussing my sex life and detailing how I had my top off with my boyfriend.’

This! Poor girl!

I never had a boy in my bedroom. My mother would have had to do 20 riunds of the rosary grin

Me neither. that she knew of

It's calmed down a lot now. We're gonna go have a cuppa and chat. She's told me what she has and hasn't done so far and as far as they're being no set rules, I think that's what's gone wrong tonight. We're working them out now what I'm happy with in the house and where's she's at too with her bf. It's actually a good thing it happened like this. She's more grown up than I've probably give her credit for. Thank you again for all your advice. It really has helped. I'm sure I will reread them all again once I'm in bed tonight. Just a new stage in our relationship we've got to adjust to now

I must tell my teens how lucky they are to have parents who don't just walk into their rooms either for no reason or without knocking first.

My parents always knocked. It gave me time to pretend i was studying instead of texting. I really appreciated that

mooxxmoox that sounds really positive! Glad you are able to talk to each other, sounds like you have a good relationship and that is going to be so valuable to her as she gets older.

Well done OP. It’s a learning curve for all of us as parents isn’t it!

Notall It wasn’t harsh. These were the rules in the homes of most people I knew, nothing odd about it all. Sleep overs weren’t a thing. You visited and left at a suitable time to allow you to get back to your own home safely. I had a never ending stream of friends .

I grew up with endless sleepovers. I feel you’ve been deprived. You should sulk with your parents. That’ll teach ‘em.

It was the norm when I was growing up to have sleepovers.

Get her an implant

Sleepovers aren’t the norm everywhere and judging by all the angst about them on MN, I’m glad we didn’t have them but still enjoyed a great social life with our friends. The dc have sleepovers but here and there but they’re not crazy about them. Some have been great and some not so.

When I look back on it all I thank DM for her house rules, at the time might have seemed a bit too strict but now I am thankful for how she protected our privacy and for making our home a truly safe space.

There is a lot of angst on MN about sleepovers, I have never understood it.

From what I can pick up from them, the source of all the angst seems to be:

Sleepover guests used to different house rules.
Feeding sleepover guests.
Children having anxiety about sleeping away from home.
Bullying by sleepover friends.
Photo snapping, texting during sleepover posted to other school friends.
Sleepover guest and their gadgets throughout the night.
The fact sleepovers don’t actually mean sleep but rather a night vigil with the result of exhausted children.

YY and don't FGS mention mixed sleepovers or the smelling salts will need to be produced.

Yes, Yes mixed sleep overs!
It just seems once you decide on where to begin (your baseline), it just escalates from there onwards. You can plot the graph.

Sometimes it’s the parents of the guest and host fighting each other. Sometimes i do think, ‘if only you kept it to just daytime visiting’ you’d have still been friends.

I think it’s really cute when they’re really young, but as they get older it starts to become more complicated.

I think you’ve maybe just had a bit of a shock, and are struggling to come to terms with the fact that your little girl is now growing into a sexually active young woman.
This is a bit of an adjustment for all parents - I don’t think any of us find it totally straightforward. But you are doing the important bits right - you are talking openly with your daughter, you have reassured her you still love her, and you’re discussing things like contraception and consent etc.
Try to respect her dignity and privacy, but take some time to think through where your own boundaries are - are you happy for them to have sex in your house, or for him to stay overnight, or would you prefer them to do the deed elsewhere, etc.
If you keep the goodwill and communication open, she will be able to confide in you and trust you.
You are establishing the basis here for your relationship with her eventual adult self, so tread carefully. It sounds like there’s a good affectionate bond between you, so you’ve obviously been a good parent to now - keep building on that. Good luck!