Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

15 year old daughter

71 replies

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:03

I have a 15 year old daughter who is dating a 16 year old boy. I'm a single mom of 4 years now and I've recently allowed him to go to my daughters room with the door open. Felt that I could trust her but just walked in on her and she had her top off. They both panicked and got embarrassed when I walked in. I told her to get dressed and come down to me but she wouldn't. Went up and talked to them both. Told them I'm disappointed and hurt that she's lost my trust now. I thought we had a good relationship, open, and talk about things but now I think I've been to trusting and worried how to handle this.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:40

Thanks for the decent advice. As for the don't walk in her room... lol. She's my 15 year old daughter with a boy in her room and rule was the door stays open. So yes I did and will still walk in her room when the door is closed. I won't alienate her or make her feel like she has to hide it. I am talking to her and obviously need to get some ground rules down now for when she has him over. I'm quite shocked by the people who think it's ok what she did and as if I should have just walked out and apologised for disturbing them. She is only 15 still. Should I just allow her to do as she wants ? Not really getting your point. My reason for coming on here was to get differnt views on what to do next I suppose. So thank you. Some advice I will take but others? A bit scary

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:41

I am glad my parents didn't have these rules. No need to walk in at all. Just a tap on the door and a reminder to keep it open if that's what your house rules are.

He probably won't come round again after all that being sat down and talked at so it's probably all sorted now TBF.

DonkeyOil · 19/03/2018 20:42

I thought she would tell me everything

About when she's becoming sexually active? Really? The last thing on earth I would have wanted to do at that age (or any age!) is discuss my sex life with my Mum, close as we were.

It's very normal for teenagers to keep some things private, op (rather than 'secret', which is what you may be feeling is the case), no matter how good their relationship with the parent/s.

I think it's a bit harsh of you to consider this as a breach of trust. She probably feels that you have invaded her privacy.

NymeriaStark · 19/03/2018 20:47

Should I just allow her to do as she wants?

Within reason, yes. She’s almost 16. Would you rather they have sex somewhere safe or sneak off and do it somewhere awful like a car or at a party etc.

Don’t risk making her feel she can’t come to you about this sort of thing. You’re giving out very mixed messages. You’ve probably not reacted in the best way.

Original poster

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:47

Thank you 'Oh yes I am' yes I did over react. Panicked I suppose. I'm sitting with her now talking. It was just a big shock and I didn't know what to say or do.

OP posts:

whampiece · 19/03/2018 20:48

I'm sitting with her now talking.

Then put down your phone and talk to her...

Make her feel more important than Mumsnet fgs.

Arapaima · 19/03/2018 20:48

I find your posts a bit confusing, OP. You said you had assumed they weren’t just kissing so why are you so shocked? This seems really normal nearly-16yo behaviour to me!

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:49

I'm quite shocked by the people who think it's ok what she did

Right, you’re going go have to explain what exactly it is she’s has done wrong. You say you are fine with her having sex and have sent her off to get the pill. Okay so if not in her own house, where is she supposed to have sex?

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:50

She only had her top off didn't she?

Original poster

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:51

Reading all these now and I'm starting to think I haven't got a clue what I'm doing. All I can do is go with how I feel. I never had a mother bringing me up. Don't see my father and have no brothers and sisters so yes I know I'm cocking a few things up now. But that why I came on here to ask. I will take your advice and have a good talk with her. Thank you for the replies that didn't just make me feel like I'm getting an early bashing and actual helped .

OP posts:

Original poster

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 20:53

To whampiece.... she's reading the replies with me. So unless you have something helpful to say. Don't say nothing.

OP posts:

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 20:54

Right wel before you lay down the law you need to to actually decide what the law is. Right now it seems very vague. Decide what your rules are first and then talk to her.

juddyrockingcloggs · 19/03/2018 20:54

She doesn't WANT to tell you everything though OP and you talk about respect but don't give her any.

Do you tell her everything about whatever sex life you have?

She's almost 16 years old and claims to not have had sex, she's just had her top off - so what exactly would you prefer her to do? Experience such things in the safety of her own room or on a field somewhere like so many other girls have done before?

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 20:54

Nobody is bashing you - we are confused by what you are conveying to your daughter about sex - which is it? Yes to the pill (better than pregnant) but no to the boy in the bedroom?

You need to be clearer in your expectations and then decide if they follow your rules!

Dandellions · 19/03/2018 20:55

There seems to be one philosophy by some on MN, that if you don't lay practically down the red carpet for teenage sex in your home, with a cup of tea afterwards, they will self combust with all those sexual hormones and go shagging in parks, cars, graveyards etc. Whilst this may be true for some, there are many teenagers who listen to their parents and follow the law to wait till they are 16.

I'm glad my parents had rules, that included, no visitors in bedrooms wether boy or girl, no visitor allowed upstairs. It worked very well.

Its a slippery road once they start having access upstairs to bedrooms, However, what done is done and OP allowed the boy in her DD's room. OP is the parent and lay's down the law not the DD. If she was told to leave the door open then that's what she should have done. The embarrassment of her mum walking in will hopefully remind her that when BF is visiting, DM can walk in at anytime, therefore keep your clothes on.

Sparklingbrook · 19/03/2018 20:56

It may be for the best that if he does come round again (and he probably won't want to now anyway) they stay downstairs in the living room where you can keep an eye and then no rules are going to be broken on either side.

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 20:57

What will thdo new rules be at 16?

Original poster

Mooxxxmooxxx · 19/03/2018 21:00

Green tulips.... I suppose I don't know what's best. Yes I know I've just said go on the pill, not under my roof, you've hurt me, I love you its ok. Lots of mixed messages. Maybe need a good chat and sit down with her and see where we go from here when it's not all up in the air. I know I got it wrong tonight but that's the reason I got on here to see where and what I can do differnt. She's a lovely girl and I know she's not going to tell me everything. I know she's gonna grow up it was just someone to spk to i suppose rather than blowing my top or just being easy going about it all. Like I say thank you for the advice. It's made me think a lot.

OP posts:

whampiece · 19/03/2018 21:01

To whampiece.... she's reading the replies with me. So unless you have something helpful to say. Don't say nothing.

That was meant to be helpful.

Take responsibility. Don't sit with a 15yo and take the advice of random strangers regarding her sex life and what you should or shouldn't be ok with.

By all means ask for advice but when you are talking to her, talk to her. Make her the important factor. Tell her what you expect of her. You have had 15 years to think about what you are willing to accept at this stage.

windchimesabotage · 19/03/2018 21:01

I think you did exactly the right thing in getting her to go get the pill but I am sad to hear that you 'lost respect' for her and her boyfriend. I really dont think they were trying to disrespect you its just your hormones are running wild at that age... it doesnt mean they are bad kids its just natural.
I mean you were right to be angry that they broke your house rules but i wouldnt use such dramatic language about it like 'lying' and 'loss of respect' Its really not that serious its just part of growing up. Its good she eventually talked to you about it and you dont want to lose that kind of relationship with her by getting too intense about this.

Scabetty · 19/03/2018 21:01

Ok this must have been a shock for you all. Does your dd want to go on the pill and have they talked about sex? I would have discussed this with dd after boyfriend had left. Is she ok with how relationship is developing or does she feel pressurised? Sex has to be when they both want ti go to that level. Can you discuss with her? If that is where they are heading then pill and condoms is sensible.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 19/03/2018 21:02

no visitors in bedrooms wether boy or girl, no visitor allowed upstairs. It worked very well.

you weren’t even allowed a friend to sleepover? Harsh!

Mishappening · 19/03/2018 21:04

I think OP that you are feeling mixed up about this, because you are certainly giving mixed messages to her.

What is it that you feel uncomfortable about? You need to decide about that before you can have a proper discussion with her.

For instance, you may accept that they are likely to have a sexual relationship but find it disturbing to have that happening in your home. If so, just say so to her and she then has the option of not doing so at home out of respect for your feelings.

I am sure she wants to do right by you, but you are not giving her the opportunity to do so, because you are not being clear.

You are feeling hurt and that she has let you down - but how can she not when she does not know where you wish to draw a line?

By the way - I had 3 teenage DDs - been there, done all that!

Scabetty · 19/03/2018 21:04

I never had a boy in my bedroom. My mother would have had to do 20 riunds of the rosary

GreenTulips · 19/03/2018 21:04

Personally I would go with the approach of - are you comfortable with what's happening? Does he ask you to do anything you aren't happy with? Are there any photos you should know about (plus advise on keeping stuff to yourself and not all over snap chat) Talk about how some teens are led by what their friends get up to and it isn't a race or a competition. Talk about self respect and trust.

Some teens are more mature than others, and you need to gauge her stance really - she won't be any different in a few months time

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread