How do you discipline an 18 year old? I need help please

[lastnicknamefree]

I’m at a loss because I don’t know how to enforce any house rules on my older children. They are 22, 18 and 15.

I’m having an ongoing problem with the 18 year old and her dreadful laziness. Honestly she does nothing but sit on the sofa or on her bed playing on her phone when she’s at home.

She goes to college 3 days a week and the days she’s home it’s driving me mad. I’ve asked her repeatedly using reasoning/kind words, getting annoyed and making idle threats to having rows with her, to tidy her room, put her own washing on, wash up her dishes and most importantly walk her dog.

Today is a typical day. I’ve been to work. Get home she’s on the sofa, then goes off to sit in the bath for about an hour. When she comes down I ask her to go walk her dog which she’s been very slack at. She says she’ll do it later. This escalated into me saying she wasn’t being fair on him recently, he wasn’t getting walked enough and yes I know it’s snowing but she’s done nothing all day so she could really have taken him this morning. I remind her she’s not brought his food for weeks and if it were not for me he wouldn’t have had any, and that he’s her responsibility, if she doesn’t start looking after him properly I’ll have him rehomed. She starts shouting at me, and says she’ll move out with him. I say, ok that might be difficult as you can’t afford it or manage your time correctly either. She stamps upstairs shouting SHUT UP

This will lead to more sitting in her room with door shut, doing nothing and expecting dinner on the table later. No apology or discussion.
I don’t know what’s normal or reasonable for me to do in this situation?
I’m clearly rubbish at parenting teens, I feel out of my depth.

I’d just like her to look after her own stuff, I’m a single parent juggling work and younger children, and running the home single handedly with 5 of us. I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect her to do her own washing and washing up, and look after her dog?
Whenever I ask her she makes me feel like I’m nagging and being horrible. Please could I get some advise?

*ARE

Sounds like a promising start, op. Keep it up, though!

It may work to write out job lists and/or have family meetings. So you agree with them what their responsibilities are and display them prominently. Agree in advance that these need to be done and that they're too old to need prompting. Discuss the list regularly but not the individual tasks. So it's not so confrontational at crunch moments and parents, child. More of a contract/roles.

Well done you are doing great.
Keep it up.
I have 4 grown up children. It always gets to the stage where they are too old to be treated / disciplined like children but expect you to still look after them - washing cooking picking up have them.
I ended up working full time and doing everything.
It took me a while but I did put my foot down. Everyone is much happier now.

Take the dog for walks & cuddles and literally take over the dog

Stop with the lifts, cooking and best if all nagging 😂

Bite your tongue

If she threatens to move out offer a brand new cheese grater as a home warming 🤣 she’s playing you on the comment as she knows where she’s well off

No one can keep buying new clothes firever

The dog needs rehoming, sorry I know you will probably be fond of it

Don't ask her to do anything but don't do anything for her. No cooking, cleaning, washing. If she uses all the plates have paper ones for the rest of the family.

Give her 7 days to get her ass into gear re the dog or he is rehomed. If she doesn't pay rent she needs to. Do not give her a lift anywhere, she is an adult and you are treating her like one.

Just read your updates, you need to stop being afraid of confrontation, you did the right thing talking to her calmly and more importantly listening.

I said it’s my responsibility to do those things for my children, but you are a woman of almost 19,working part time and it’s not my job to do everything for you anymore

OP, well done for laying down the law with her.

Since you have younger children/teens too, I just wanted to pick up on the above - while it's your responsibility as a parent to make sure your DC are fed, clean and not living in squalor, that doesn't mean you should be running round after them tidying up their mess and doing everything for them.

It sounds like that's what you have been trying to do up until this point, and the comment she made about 'isn't that what mums do?' is obviously based on what she's seen and is used to. It seems like she's confused that the rules have suddenly changed because she's reached a certain age, which is obviously hard on both of you.

I would get the younger teen and the others pitching in with housework, etc too - if they're old enough to make mess, they're old enough to be tidying it up, and even little kids can do chores. Then they're less likely to have a 'wtf?' reaction on their 18th birthday when you switch from doing everything for them to expecting them to suddenly do it for themselves.

I agree with the PP who suggested withholding the wifi password until chores are done.

Good luck - as another single working parent of teens, I feel your pain!

you cant they are an adult now

For a start you have to mean what you say.

Look into telling the dog, take rent from those that work. Do not do their laundry or cooking.

oh and if she threatens to leave tell her to leave her key. Guests knock.

Be hard, it's for her own good.

PS I too was last, for me that's not the problem. It's the disrespect. If I'd said shut up to my mother at 18. I'd have received a swift backhand for my troubles and I would have deserved it.

Of course this is not the modern way to parent, but those other options are real options. Adults should be treated as such and should behave likewise

Rehoming the dog, not telling

I am totally at my wits end my nearly 18 year old has serious self esteem issues , is constantly lying and has been violent to me . she creates constant drama , is social media obsessed and never manages to keep friends . She threatens to leave and despite good grades and very talented she only wants to be popular . we have paid for counselling, private education, we tell her we love her . She can flip really easily . Our younger daughter is totally different. I have no found she is posting on a sugar daddy : findom site . I haven't told my dh because he will not cope . I feel I am drowning . What do I do ? Confront her ? Please help