How do you discipline an 18 year old? I need help please

[lastnicknamefree]

I’m at a loss because I don’t know how to enforce any house rules on my older children. They are 22, 18 and 15.

I’m having an ongoing problem with the 18 year old and her dreadful laziness. Honestly she does nothing but sit on the sofa or on her bed playing on her phone when she’s at home.

She goes to college 3 days a week and the days she’s home it’s driving me mad. I’ve asked her repeatedly using reasoning/kind words, getting annoyed and making idle threats to having rows with her, to tidy her room, put her own washing on, wash up her dishes and most importantly walk her dog.

Today is a typical day. I’ve been to work. Get home she’s on the sofa, then goes off to sit in the bath for about an hour. When she comes down I ask her to go walk her dog which she’s been very slack at. She says she’ll do it later. This escalated into me saying she wasn’t being fair on him recently, he wasn’t getting walked enough and yes I know it’s snowing but she’s done nothing all day so she could really have taken him this morning. I remind her she’s not brought his food for weeks and if it were not for me he wouldn’t have had any, and that he’s her responsibility, if she doesn’t start looking after him properly I’ll have him rehomed. She starts shouting at me, and says she’ll move out with him. I say, ok that might be difficult as you can’t afford it or manage your time correctly either. She stamps upstairs shouting SHUT UP

This will lead to more sitting in her room with door shut, doing nothing and expecting dinner on the table later. No apology or discussion.
I don’t know what’s normal or reasonable for me to do in this situation?
I’m clearly rubbish at parenting teens, I feel out of my depth.

I’d just like her to look after her own stuff, I’m a single parent juggling work and younger children, and running the home single handedly with 5 of us. I don’t think I’m unreasonable to expect her to do her own washing and washing up, and look after her dog?
Whenever I ask her she makes me feel like I’m nagging and being horrible. Please could I get some advise?

From a dog-lover (and owner) point of view I think you should have the dog rehomed - you didn't want to have it and she is not looking after it properly so it's really not fair on the poor thing and certainly not fair on you with so much else on your plate. It's not a punishment (though she will of course see it that way), it's just being practical.

You're a single mum of 5 and that takes a lot of strength, something that she should admire but instead is taking advantage of. There's not much you can do about that as you've discovered. You can only control your own actions and try to stop being afraid of her reactions.

Thank you ruffian

Lastname, let her leave too then

She'll have fun trying to rent anywhere that she can afford AND that will put up with her.

Change the wi-fi code and only give to those kids who are playing fair.

I agree about rehoming the dog. It's the kindest choice.

So she just came downstairs again, I tried to talk to her but she completely blanked me. I said I’d like an apology for telling me to shut up and shouting at me, she said I have to apologise too
She then continued to ignore me completely and walked away when I wasn’t talking, in a calm voice to talk to her. I said she was either going to treat me with respect and have a discussion about this like an adult or she could find somewhere else to stay, because I’m not being treated like this in my own home. Queue walking out, with dog, slamming door. Usual pattern is to ignore me for days the act like nothing has happened

You sound a bit nervous around her, op.

Why do you collect her from college? If she’s old enough to go to college, she’s old enough to get herself there and back.

If sh isn’t prepared to play at part of the family, she gets excluded so no meals prepared, food provided, cash or WiFi. Sounds childish but she needs to grow up.

It is really hard and well done for making it this far.

What is she planning on doing after college?
Who is paying for her phone?
And I'll also agree about rehoming the dog, you can't afford it and her responsibility has wained.

you can also tell her that as she is earning she is responsible for feeding herself and transport to and from college.

As others have said, your DD needs to start acting as an adult. From the wages she gets at Wagamama she should pay a proportion to you for food and lodging. If she refuses to pay, then you don't cook for her. Surely she doesn't earn enough to keep buying clothes when hers need washing? If not then where is her money coming from? It is your house and should be your rules, which are not unreasonable. If she can't stick to your rules then let her leave, she will soon work out that she really can't afford to do that and will be back very soon.

Obviously it would be horrible to have a situation where she was living with you but excluded from meals etc. I don't see how that would work so her moving out - even if only for a while - seems a much more sensible option. Is she on good terms with your oldest dc? Could they get through to her?

By the way most dogs need a minimum of an hour a day exercise. 10 mins every now and then is clearly neglect.

The dog goes

The lifts go

The wifework for someone eho doesn't respect it goes

If she leaves, she leaves

But she won't. And if she does it won't be long until she acknowledges all you did for her

Continuing to be a pushover because you are frightened of her disapproval is a road to nowhere

You need to sit her down and explain to her that her current behaviour is unacceptable and that at 18 she has responsibilities towards you and the house she lives in. I'm not 100% sure I agree with charging her rent but if she continues to hurt you and disrespect you then she will have to find another place to live (this will break your heart and shock her, she'll stew and get grumpy but she's an adult, wants to be treated as such so here is a hard, crap, adult lesson). I certainly wouldn't be ferrying her around left right and centre, nor would I be making her dinner. She needs to step up, she is treating your home like a doss house, she needs reminding it's not HER home - it's yours.

Another update, but thank you so much for all the replies I really appreciate them.
I managed to get her to sit down and talk it through properly. Firstly she said she didn’t feel like doing anything around the house because when she does wash up (her own stuff only) I don’t say thank you. And that when she looks after the younger sibling I don’t appreciate it or thank her then either. I pointed out she only occasionally looks after him (school holidays, one/two morning) while I go to work in order to pay the bills and rent. For her. And if I can’t work, we’d have nowhere to live. So in fact, by minding him she’s helping hereself to live in a home, with food and heating. She feels like I should thank her anyway...
I pointed out all the stuff I do for her, and all of them, by myself. All the washing, cooking,cleaning up after her, ferrying about etc. She said well isn’t that what a mum does? Isn’t it your job?
I said it’s my responsibility to do those things for my children, but you are a woman of almost 19,working part time and it’s not my job to do everything for you anymore. She looked very shocked. I pointed out there are 3 adults in this house and we should all be chipping in together etc. We spoke about the dog at length after that, and she did agree she should walk him longer and more often etc. I think I made it very clear it’s shape up time. Yes I do feel very anxious of the confrontation and the row that always ensues. I find the I often avoid picking her up on things to this level out of fear of where it might lead.

'Isn't it your job?'
WTF?
She needs a very sharp wake up call IMO, just who the hell does she think she is?
I'd be absolutely seething op.

tiddlywinks I did tell her that she was coming across very entitled and spoilt. I think I did well to remain calm and continue on the conversation in the tone I did

I really feel for you op, you are doing very well to stay calm, I know I would have struggled to stay so!
You're doing a fantastic job for little acknowledgement, let alone support

If you feel anxious about enforcing boundaries and the potential fall-out then I'd say take it a step at a time. Leave the issue of the dog for the moment, since it sounds like both leaving it un-fed or re-homing it would be hard for anyone to enforce. I'd start by listing the issues you feel confident to tackle first, as once these are in place this can help build your confidence to continue. So for example, you might continue the same with everything else except that you now expect her to wash up 2 nights a week, with the consequence that she loses a lift to college or the wifi password the next day if she doesn't.

It takes alot of energy and effort to do things like this if it doesn't come naturally to you, so take your time! It will be worth it, and she will respect you for not being a push-over

Make sure you folow trough though wehn she slips into laxy mode again. It doesnher no favours allow her to behave like this towards you. Also think of the example to
Your other children.

Well done.

Stick to what you said to her, she is 18 and she needs to start to be a grown up. Part of “your job” () is helping her to do that

Don’t be like my mum and cave in for goodness sake, it’s taken 35+ years and counting and she still does my brother’s washing.......

Spell out the house rules. Unless she abides by them, then you will not do any of the things you have been doing for her.

I didn’t expect so much support and kindness, thank you so much for not telling me I’ve been a rubbish mother! I do feel to blame somewhat, I just don’t find it easy to know boundaries with teenagers or what’s normal, and after being in an abusive relationship, any atmosphere in the house or confrontation makes me feel very anxious. I really appreciate all your comments, it’s been very helpful

Move 😂
I know what you're going through. Ive realised how i trod on eggshells with mine to make sure their lives were good post divorce. However I made a rod for my own back.

You are not a rubbish mother. Teenagers ate rubbish. It's The Law. 😁