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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

AIBU 16 y/o dd lesbian girlfriend

27 replies

concernedmum111 · 13/02/2018 15:37

I've known about my dd's sexuality since she told me at 14 (though I'd had my suspicions since she was much much younger as she was always a tomboy). I've found out recently that she's been dating one of her female friends - They'd been meeting up and talking much more regularly than her usual with friends so again not a surprise. She's been in a couple of relationships before, only about 6 months each but it's not her first time dating. One of them was with a girl too, so that's also not first time. Anyway, dd slept over at this girlfriends house recently and now wants to have her over and stay in her room - our house is overcrowded and that's the only way she can have people sleep over, even sofas are taken. Girlfriend seems like a nice girl and certainly makes dd happy (dd has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety so that's fairly significant) but I don't know how I feel about this still. I suspect they may be having sex anyway as dd is often at her house (in the UK so they are both old enough to consent), but I can't help feeling wary about my daughter having lesbian sex under my roof. AIBU to say no to the girl staying over?

OP posts:

chocolateworshipper · 13/02/2018 16:23

My recommendation would be to take the lesbian element out of the equation. If she had a boyfriend, and assuming you liked him, would you let him stay in DD's room? If yes, let the girlfriend stay. If no, don't. She's over the age of consent, but it's your house so your rules. BTW, I think you're right to take into account the fact that she makes your DD happy.

Original poster

concernedmum111 · 13/02/2018 17:00

Thank you, chocolate.

OP posts:

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 13/02/2018 17:02

I'd personally prefer my dd to have a relationship at this age that's less likely to result in pregnancy.
I wouldn't want to hear it though.

It sounds in your OP like it's the lesbian nature of the relationship that's the issue for you, but I'm unsure if that's what you're meaning.

user1493413286 · 13/02/2018 17:05

I wouldn’t be keen on my 16 year old DD having someone who they’re in a relationship with staying in their room whether it’s a boy or girl

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 13/02/2018 17:06

Personally I'd rather welcome my child's friend so they can relax and be comfortable with me. I'd rather get a sense of the relationship myself first hand, and keep communication with my child open.

I understand your reluctance but this is an important step in transitioning your relationship to its adult phase.

Ragwort · 13/02/2018 17:11

I wouldn't allow my 16 year old to have sex in my house.

End of discussion.

(And yes of course I know it might go on elsewhere, I might lose their trust and 'friendship' - but I don't care, I am the parent and those are my rules).

AdalindSchade · 13/02/2018 17:11

Does it make a difference that it's lesbian sex?
I'd be wary about accepting a sexual relationship under my roof for a very new relationship, whatever the sex/es of those involved. However if they are together a while and seem happy, mutually respectful and committed, that seems ok.

OneOfTheGrundys · 13/02/2018 17:17

What is it that makes you wary?

You sound as though you like her GF and she seems good for your DD at a tough time. I’d let them-but I’d be sure to invest in some effective ear plugs!

Worldsworstcook · 13/02/2018 17:25

She's happy, you have a good relationship, she's doing it anyway, give her your permission.

Snowydaysarehere · 13/02/2018 17:29

The best way to gauge the sort of relationship your dc are in is to have the person under your roof ime/o. You may feel more at ease /happier if you are at close range to the chat /manner of them together.

foreverondiet · 14/02/2018 21:20

It's hard being a LGBT teen and it's good she has the confidence to come out.

I think if they are having sex it's going to happen anyway and as others have said she won't get pregnant... so IMO slightly preferable to boyfriend sleeping over. But not sure I'd allow a boy to stay over at 16

foreverondiet · 14/02/2018 21:22

Sorry pressed post too soon, so completely reasonable to say no, as long as you know it won't stop them from doing whatever they want to do.

clumsyduck · 14/02/2018 21:23

You sound you have a good relationship with dd and this lass seems to make her happy . This is all good :) 16 years old who want to do it will find a way ! And as strange as it sounds as others have said - no pregnancy worries !!

JDilla · 15/02/2018 00:23

To those on this thread willing to lose your child's trust over something like this then you should question your role as a parent. It's better to be open and accepting of things like this as when you tell a teenager they can't do something it's going to make them want to do it even more.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 00:28

I wouldn’t want a boy to stay over but I wouldn’t mind a girl.. that’s very odd of me and I’m not sure why.. I feel like the girl sharing her bed is less.. threatening? Maybe it’s the pregnancy thing. Either way, you have to be comfortable with it but I think if they’re already staying together at hers then the ship has kind of sailed.

MyKingdomForBrie · 15/02/2018 00:31

JDilla I just want to say that’s deeply offensive of you. None of the posters so far should ‘question their role as parents’ how totally absurd.

I wasn’t allowed boys to stay over and it didn’t for a second make me lose trust in my parents! Quite the opposite actually, I always felt safe and loved and protected by them. Sex as a teen is often a scary minefield which you can regret dipping your toes into let alone plunging headfirst.

Every parenting relationship is different and someone else’s choices can be as valid as yours even if totally different.

OutyMcOutface · 15/02/2018 00:33

To be honest, if I had a daughter, I would much rather she were having lesbian sex under my roof than heterosexual sex under my roof. But maybe that's just me.

nineteentwelve · 15/02/2018 15:51

this all read fine and well until you said you feel wary about her having 'lesbian sex', i don't see why you needed to add lesbian.
anyway though, if you would normally be strict on this, and wouldn't have let her have a boy stay over i would say no. however she is 16 and there is no risk of pregnancy and they'd be doing it anyway even if you didn't let her stay... i'm inclined to say allow it!

TheNoseyProject · 15/02/2018 15:57

Is your relationship open enough to ask if she’s having sex? No judgement meant - my mum is lovely and supportive but I would never talk sex with her.

Even if not, you could have a more general convo about consent and not feeling rushed into things etc.

As adults we always assume teens are desperate to have sex, and many are, but more than you assume spend a long time in the kissing and cuddling etc phase.

LanaKanesTerfyVagina · 15/02/2018 16:01

I don't get the "not in my house" stuff for those old enough to consent.

Why would you rather have them shagging in a park, or at a bus stop than in a safe environment??

OP would you let a boy stay?

Ragwort · 16/02/2018 20:49

Lana - are you really so cool that you are happy for your teenage DS or DD to be having possibly noisy sex in the bedroom next to your own? .

Maybe my DS will/does have sex at the bus stop or wherever, but I don't want him to be having sex at 16 in my hose when I am at home - he might 'time it' it so that I am out like I used to do when I lived with my parents but I am not prepared to facilitate my teenager's sex life.

Timetogetup0630 · 16/02/2018 21:48

Honestly if she is brave enough to come out and then to ask you about girlfriend sleeping over, you need to be brave enough to say "Yes, of course, thanks for asking".

And I seriously doubt they will be noisy.

upsideup · 16/02/2018 21:58

Again totally dont understand the parents who say no to their children over 16 having sex, thats totally irresponsable. It is their home too and I would much rather my DC had sex under my roof than in some dirty toilets or on a park bench in public. I also want my children to know they can talk to me about sex, making a comfortable astmosphere for them to do so. Do you really think by saying no you are going to stop them? I think they are put in a much worse position by parents saying no.

TheSnowFairy · 17/02/2018 12:44

My almost 16yo DS has been with his gf for over a year.

I would not allow them to have sex in our house as we have a 9yo DD, and I do not want her to think that just because they are old enough to have sex, that they should be.

His gf's parents think the same way, they also have younger DCs.

DancesWithOtters · 17/02/2018 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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