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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Talk me down

44 replies

brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 01:19

I've reached the end of my rope with my 13yo dd, literally can't take any more Sad

Her behaviour has been slowly escalating for a couple of years but it has gotten much worse in the last year. A year ago I had to ban her from spending time with her dad as he was being abusive towards her. She has always said in this time that I was being unfair and "ott" but I stood firm. Situation has now changed and over the last few months we have been slowly building up contact.

So she's completely disrespectful towards me most days and I can't cope anymore. She behaves like she's the adult at times. Trying to tell me what the plans are etc. If she doesn't get what she wants she becomes really nasty by saying no wonder her dad left me. No wonder I don't have many friends. These types of things. She has been caught drinking alcohol twice last year. Treats the house like a hotel and me like a maid. Her bedroom is a health hazard and she constantly just takes my things such as toiletries and makeup. She called me a cow when I hid my expensive makeup from her. Anytime I lose my temper she threatens to tell her dad. Icould go on.

Tonight for once I thought we had had a nice night with pizza and a film. Then she asks to see dad tomorrow but I've already made plans for us . Then she starts on me. Calling me nasty pathetic a loser no friends. I snapped just totally snapped. Told her to pack up all her stuff and I'll get her dad to pick her up tomorrow. I can't go on like this coz I feel like I'm living with an abusive bully. I walk on eggshells as I can never tell what mood she'll be in. I have anxiety and have been having terrible palpitations a lot.

I know I'll get completely flamed but she needs to go. I can't cope with her anymore. I know I'm potentially sending her into an environment which can be volatile at times and she's at risk of being screamed at regularly. But I've tried everything I can from discipline punishment bribery but she's so wilful. Am I setting her up for misery? Will sending her away damage her? I feel like I'll end up mentally damaged if she stays, feel I'm heading for possible hospitalisation Sad like I say please please don't flame me, I'm feeling so beaten down just now can't cope with a virtual beating too. Feel I've failed as a parent and I'll definitely fall by sending her away but I don't know how I'll cope with parenting her much longer. I love her but I really don't like who she's becoming.

OP posts:
youngnomore · 11/02/2018 01:25

Is social services involved? If not they need to be. If she’s going to be in a bad environment I woudint send her tbh. Have you taken her to the gp ?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/02/2018 01:25

Flamed? Not by me. It’ll do them both good & give you a break from her.

Take her over there tomorrow, don’t back down.

AjasLipstick · 11/02/2018 01:26

First of all, a 13 year old is by default rude and needy and bossy. That's normal.

Telling her to leave is not ok especially because you know her Father has been abusive.

Also...making plans for a 13 year old is ok to a point but they do need the power to make their own from time to time.

You need to apologise and give her a lot of love. All teens are horrendous at times.....most have disgusting bedrooms.

AjasLipstick · 11/02/2018 01:27

annie are you serious?? OP says her ex was abusive to her DD...and that's only changed in the last few months. WHY would anyone send their child to live there!?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/02/2018 01:27

What exactly do you expect a GP to do?

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/02/2018 01:30

She is spending time there anyway, it’ll do her no harm to go there for a few days until she realises she is FAR better off with her Mum.

youngnomore · 11/02/2018 01:33

The gp is able to refer her to Adolescent Mental Health Services. Family therapy. Gp is usually the first point of access.

fireflame · 11/02/2018 01:35

Yes I agree she goes there anyway
Let her live with him but make SS aware!
Sounds like she's making you ill

Original poster
brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 01:41

This is why I'm so torn, I can't deal with her anymore but I know the other option isn't ideal either. In fact less than ideal.

I do understand she's a teenager and that's they can be rude and challenging but I don't think I'm up to this mentally. I do realise this makes me a failure in most people's eyes. Mostly in her dads.

I've tried to give her the absolute best upbringing I could. She's had so much love support said encouragement from me. I'm not a bad person but I feel like a bad parent.

She has pushed me once. She has grabbed my duvet off me while I've been in bed. And she threw a cushion at my head, saying I'm lucky coz she actually felt like hitting me. I don't think this is the normal teenage stuff I think that goes beyond that.

A social worker visited once after the stuff with her dad and was satisfied with what I was doing. No other sw involvement. She was assessed by camhs after stuff with dad but never taken on. She does go to a private counsellor and has done for many months and they know about everything. They're trying to work through it with her but doesn't seem to be working as she can't see she's in the wrong.

I know I've failed and I know I'm rubbish.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 01:42

I've only allowed access with her dad in a public place so far.

OP posts:
fireflame · 11/02/2018 01:53

Stop stop stop you are not a failure
Stop putting yourself down some kids are just horrendous
My DD has had a great upbringing and not very nice to me on many occasions sometimes I just think they are born like this
I am telling you it's the generation
Please don't beat yourself up over this situation
I know whatever I say doesn't help the situation but try not to rise to her tantrums. As they seem to want to press our buttons to get a reaction!

Original poster
brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 02:02

Thank you flame.

I know this is a truly awful thing to say but I love her, but I don't like her. I'd never ever say this to her.

I feel intimidated by her. I was out this afternoon visiting an ex colleague and because I didn't reply immediately to her text question she text me "answer me right now. You're so disgusting, just ignoring me". This is how she speaks to me regularly whether it's in messages or to my face. I've tried everything from grounding her, stopping pocket money, taking away phone makeup bedroom tv. Everything but nothing works.

A couple of friends aren't allowed to hang out with her as their parents have seen her messages to their kids and how she speaks to them. I worry about her in terms of how she interacts with other people and can see her losing friends, lots of them.

I feel so worthless. I was in a verbally abusive relationship before and that's how I feel again. I feel like I'm insignificant.

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 02:19

Can I just ask, if I tell sw what will they do about it? Genuine question.

OP posts:
fireflame · 11/02/2018 02:22

I know exactly how your feeling
Trust me I went for therapy-regarding many issues DD Parents etc
Sometimes silence is the best way to deal with toxic people
Show her a completely different side to you by not rising to her behaviour as hard as this seems it is far better for your state of Mind
I certainly stopped rising to abusive txs from my DD also made a choice not to mention them unless she mentioned it when I got home
Would just calmly say, have told you many times you will not get a reaction from me sending this sort of stuff and I would clear off to another room probably whilst she was throwing a tantrum but I started to completely ignore it oh yes I know it's bloody hard but did improve things
Honestly if she wants to live with dear D let her go

fireflame · 11/02/2018 02:28

Start by ringing them anonymously
You need help hun and sounds like DD does
You can't keep going on like this
Please promise me you will ring someone 🙏🏻

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/02/2018 02:47

The gp is able to refer her to Adolescent Mental Health Services. Family therapy. Gp is usually the first point of access

Have you any idea how stretched our MH services are? A stroppy teenager isn’t going to be their priority. BrokenRightDown needs a solution now, she’s exhausted and can’t cope.

LizardMonitor · 11/02/2018 08:32

Her father was abusing her in what way?

WhenTheDragonsCame · 11/02/2018 08:49

brokenrightdown I have been where you are and still am a bit with my oldest DD. It is a bit better now she is 16 but still stressful.

My DD has just gotten herself a 21 year old boyfriend and has been staying out until gone midnight on school nights. She is year 11 and predicted to not do well in her GCSEs.

I phoned social services to say I couldn't cope (I have 2 younger DDs, go to uni and have a job) and the SW said that DD1 is my responsibility until she is 18 and if I tell them I can't cope with her then they will assume I can't cope with my younger 2 as well.

I don't really have any advice as like you nothing seems to work with my DD but I wanted you to know that you are not alone. Thanks

Original poster
brokenrightdown · 11/02/2018 09:45

lizard he hit her several times Sad I know I'll get flamed now for even thinking about sending her there but I can't do this anymore. I am literally right on the brink, I do have depression and anxiety and I'm really struggling.

She has fought me every step of the way with the situation with her dad. I've done everything I can to protect her. Police, lawyers, counsellors. I've been to hell and back, and now back to hell again. But I'm the bad guy and dad is the hero. I have no energy left mentally. She's sucked the life out of me.

I've been for my own private counselling over the last year but I had to stop going. My anxiety and stress developed into Non Epileptic Attack Disorder a few months ago. I have absence seizures (Non Epileptic, had all the investigations) and I've had my driving license revoked as a result. I used to have a mobile job but I've had to transfer in to the office recently and join a completely new team, with a slightly different job role. I've been told it's caused by stress, causing my mind to disengage from my brain (if that makes sense) during episodes. I'm currently attending a neuropsychologist to help me manage the condition but I cannot go to my counsellor due to conflict of interest.

I feel exhausted. My life has been turned upside down due to my health and dd is not helping. It has been explained to her it's caused by stress but she doesn't seem to care. In fact she's accused me of faking it! I have run myself into the ground trying to protect her but she doesn't want to be protected.

OP posts:
youngnomore · 11/02/2018 09:55

Annie- he hit her several times sad I know I'll get flamed now for even thinking about sending her there but I can't do this anymore. I am literally right on the brink, I do have depression and anxiety and I'm really struggling

You see what op is saying ? Her dds father abused her and she’s breaking down. So it’s not about a stroppy teen. This is exactly why you go to see the gp and get help. Also ss need to be involved ASAP!

alpineibex · 11/02/2018 09:59

Sending her away will damage her. I was kicked out at age 17 and ended up in a very bad situation as a result. Deep down, I don't think I'll ever forgive them. My mum abandoned me, I had mental health issues, but the people who I finally felt loved me unconditionally didn't want me anymore. It didn't help that I was in a mental hospital when they told me they were kicking me out, so I couldn't come home when I was released and would have to move into a hostel as they "can't cope" with me anymore. I nearly had to be sedated by the nurses with the way I kicked off at them. It felt like an utter betrayal.

alpineibex · 11/02/2018 10:01

And family therapy just lead to more arguments when I had it at 13. Always ended badly.

HughLauriesStubble · 11/02/2018 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LizardMonitor · 11/02/2018 10:11

Broken, I can understand your username Sad

This is a really complex situation, and I haven’t really got any advice because I am not qualified to guess at what might work,

But I have an observation: even though your ex hit her, she has not rejected him.

Is this because:
She needs attention / validation so badly that abuse is better than nothing?
She knew in her heart of hearts that she provoked your ex to the same level she is now provoking you, but his response was to lash out rather than push away?
Is she trying to test your unconditional love? “Hah! I knew you didn’t REALLY love me, look what I have done now! You won’t love me once you see me do this!”

Which is a way to get control.

In any case I send tons of sympathy your way.

ljlkk · 11/02/2018 10:16

Then she asks to see dad tomorrow but I've already made plans for us . Then she starts on me.

You shouldn't make plans without asking them. Teengers 101. That's an easy one to dodge in future.

If she's big enough to be recurringly mean, physically intimidating & bullying to OP, I'd let her go to dad's in a heartbeat. Yes I read he hit her "several" times. "Several" used to mean 2 or 3, but now it means numbers at least up to 43, so I don't know what OP's several means. Or if the blows were smacks that happened 10 yrs ago, etc.

She'll probably hit him back if he tries again. She'll deal with the situation in her own way. Keep the door open for her return.

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