I'm boken

[Kath36]

Ok so I've posted a few posts on her about my 15 year dd. So to cut long story short my beautiful girl changed over night. Wrong friends trouble at school to extent permantly excluded. Sent to her dad's to try and help her 100 miles away. She upped the game school refusal the kick offs the attitude etc. He called social services and a social worker become involved was put on reduced time table at school. Then evidence on iPad was seen of weed smoking with friend from when she was with me and a man exposing himself to her in said friends home with the parents were there. Police called. Then the father couldn't cope threatened care and wanted then to take her away fast forward 2 weeks and she is coming back to me tomorrow. I thought she had learnt something in week told me how it was a fresh start blah blah I've been in touch with every agency possible to week for help and it seems I will be getting it. A report states she is extremely vulnerable and now on the sexual exploitation list. As a result everything bit of help being thrown at me. Then I speak to her ladt night and bang. She don't want to give up her friends I'm going to treat her like a prisoner etc her attitude stinks. I had a positive day ready for her coming home and she had dragged me down again. My partner is not helpful as he shouts and doesn't particularly listen when I ask him not to I'm breaking and I don't know how to stop it. I cry all the time and it's consuming my life. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm in a very dark place because of my once funny living caring dd. I don't know where i went so wrong.

Thank you. So here goes. She took herself off to my friends house today for a chat. I was later called up and we have made some compromise. Everything seems ok now. I spoke in private with my friend and we think we have come up with 1 major issue. She absolutely does not trust me at tge moment thanks to the father. She said she knows deep down i havent said or done the things he has told her but what if i did. I cant say enough about my pure hate for him. If i even said the things he has said i can guarantee what most of you woukd say. However her councillor will be working on this with her over next few weeks. She has so much going on in her head i just wish i could do more for her.

Sorry this is so crap for you. You sound like you are doing everything you can. Is there something that triggered this initially? I wish u all the best

It's good she can talk to your friend. And understanding her problems is key to move forward. You have to find ways to show her you can be trusted. Even though you know you can, her father had messed with her head. Being consistent. Listening to her. Being strong and supportive. Showing empathy. I've read The Explosive Child. All about collaborative problem solving. Might be worth a look. Keep going one day at a time x

You wish you could do more for her. You are fighting her corner. Being there for her. That's what matters. She sounds like a very scared girl. Make her realise she is safe with you- physically and emotionally and that she can talk to you without recriminations.

You have so much going on op. . But you sound like a great mum doing all you can for your daughter.

She is lucky to have such a caring mum - you are doing everything right to get her the help she needs. One more idea which may help make communication with her easier: I's reccommend a book called How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk. It's one of an excellent series of books by Faber and Maslish which has really simple, straightforward (though not always easy!) strategies for building trust and responsibility with your child.

Thank you all for kind words. I feel such a failure. Im desperately trying. I will take a look at books suggested. The posts back are helping more than you could imagine. 💖

You are not a failure. Being a parent is a tough job. Focus you energy on what you can influence, rather than what you cannot. And don;t be afraid to ask for help. My husband and I got help from a charity who support families who are going through tough times. We had a lady who would visit us once a week and talk with us about what was going on with our DS. It was so valuable-to get the perspective of someone who was not emotionally involved. No BS from her-told us what she thought-that we could seek outside help, but ultimately we also had to make changes at gome. Helped us to view things differently and from his persepctive. We took all the help we could get and were exposed to people who knew what they were talking about. YOU need support to be able to do the best you possibly can for her.

I feel so low. Its 5.27 in morning and ive been awake an hour.

You’re both still there. You haven’t failed. This is the start of you and her building a new relationship, one that can last. It’s not going to be straightforward, but it sounds like you’re both trying, and both anxious about it not working. It’s natural to not want to be hurt, so to pull away. Keep being consistent, and if you can - get some sounselling for yourself. You’re going to go through a lot, and having a safe space of your own to offload without fear of hurting anyone’s feelings is important. I hope you get some sleep.

Sit down with her and watch the documentary about Breck Bednar - link to youtube.

If you don't now the name he was a 14 year old groomed online by another teenage boy who he murdered. The similarities to your dd should at least give her an inckling of how you feel.

His family have set up a charity www.breckfoundation.org

You are not at fault here, teenagers are often vile, some more than others.

I'm usually around early morning, pm me if you need to sound off. Sorry I can't be more help.

So to top this shitty existence up. My relationship of 10 years is over. Oh he said exactly what he thought of me and dd. To my surprise she has been very mature about it and said we can do it together. He wont leave the house till end of month and im stuck here. Not exactly what i want her exposed to. When life knocks you down it really knocks you down.

I’m sorry. You’re really being put through the mill.

It sounds like your daughter is trying to step up to offer some love though.

You can do this! We are all here cheering you on.
You have great friends.
Your DD may be challenging, but hopefully will see how much you love her.
And sometimes it's best to just say what you have to, and then however much she argues just don't reply or argue back, just act as if what you said is what is going to happen. It has worked for me at times.

Best to get it all out of the way together eh! Better of without him. You DD reacted maturely. Take that as a good sign and thank her for her support.

Thank you all. I have found this a great energy booster. Im so low dd has gone to friends house as she is worried of kick again. Keeps ringing though to make sure im ok. I hope this is over with soon. Social worker coming tomorrow to meet us hoping its start of something new and positive

Good to hear you’re doing well op. Hope things continue in the right direction for everyone

So social worker came seemed friendly enough. Dd did open up to her about her father and other concerns. Social Worker did say she was going to refer us on for family therapy and will introduce other agencies dd not so keen as new people but hoping yo convince her as I am up for anything. She did have a mini melt down when she was playing a game last night on my phone and a message came through from her father. I fear that something much worse has happened that she hasn't told me just because of her reaction. I'm working on that one. As for things at home well ex still not left making things slightly awkward I'm currently sleeping in with dd. Despite all the issues and nothing going right she has acted very mature about the whole new situation we dealing with.

I’m sorry that your ex is being a prime idiot about things. Ugh.

Good about family therapy, this is an excellent idea, and I hope your referral is picked up quickly. It should give you both a safe, contained space to talk about your relationship and the things that you’re both feeling anxious or bad about.

You’re doing great, really great.

Thank you so much. ❤

So here goes. Dd still being pretty grown up about the whole situation going on. We have the manager of education for this area coming to meet us next week so she slightly apprehensive about that. Had the frankest of conversations with ex today. Probably the most sincere talk we have ever had. He told me he found my post and read it on here and he realised that maybe he hasn't listened or seen the signs that I wasn't coping with things. He understands that I need time out and sort myself out. That leads to my next problem I hate the way he is hurting now. Yes he hasn't done the right thing but to see someone so upset. I hope we can remain friends through it all. Dd I think is finding it all a bit hard to cope but is doing her best. Social Worker called to say she has put referrals in so hopefully some big improvements coming soon.

He’ll be ok. You’re a good person, and you won’t be cruel or mean to him, so he can sort himself out too, and perhaps your friendship can survive. Don’t feel like you need to take on his hurt too though, he’s able to deal with it, and it will be fine.

The education manager meeting will feel like a big deal, and probably quite threatening for your daughter. I think she’ll be looking for reassurance that you’re on her side, and even better if you can work out what you want from the meeting in advance and present a united front.

I hope you are finding time to look to yourself too. Are you getting some time out?

Finding it hard for time out at mo. Spoke again tonight with partner. He will be viewing a flat nearby this week. Totally heart broken but I guess it's only way forward at the moment. How can you have so many people around you and yet feel so alone. Dd keeps saying she wants me to be happy. As for education manager I guess I'm nervous to just don't know what to expect. I know as her mum she just will not cope in mainstream classes and I not sure they take on board what I say. Anyone had any experience of this. Thank you for kind words I'm plodding along almost winging it daily.

Update..... Ok so yeah had a few blips in last few weeks but I have to say so far so good. Education manager meeting went better than expected. She is helping us all the way and had recognised dd will not cope in mainstream school. We have 2 alternatives in my local area which we will be going to visit on Friday to see which is best suited for her needs. Noticed a pattern forming every Friday that she becomes very low moody and argumentative and sat mornings pretty much same. We addressed it yesterday and she tells me that she knows her "old friends" are all meeting up and going out as she used to on Saturdays and she feels lonely as no friends yet. As a result we are now going try to find new things to keep her occupied
She seems happy with that. She has started with bad dreams in relation to her father who we have to refer to by name and not her dad.

that sounds positive about the alternatives Kath. fingers crossed one of those works out for her