15 yr old Daughter destroying the family

[rachellovesdouglas]

I am new to this page so pardon me if i do anything wrong. For the past 2 to 3 years my youngest daughter has been destroying my family. I thought that my middle daughter was tricky as she is exceptionally sensitive but my youngest is beyond anything I know. She has been kicked out of 3 schools now, one being private. she is rude and abusive to teachers, walks out of school and goes missing. She lies, steals, is violent to myself and property. I have been forced to call social services for help but got none as we are a fairly wealthy family. The police have been called to the house on many an occasion, and she has even been taken off in an abulance for an overnight stay at the local hospital as she said she wanted to kill herself. She was assesed at the hospital and they said it was behavioral not mental health. My eldest Daughter has left home due to her behavior and the stress that she causes, and my middle daughter has attempted to kill herself due to stress of her younger sister. Its that bad. She intimates and bullies everybody if she does not get her own way,I have been forced to put locks on all doors in the house except the kitchen and lounge due to her stealing. She goes missing for days at a time, I have given up calling the police as they have better things to do than chase her around. I have tried, grounding her, taking away privilages, councelling, anger management, family mentoring, ignoring, talking, rewarding, Shouting,repeating rules etc. I have read book after book. I am exhusted. I cant work out what we have done wrong. She has had a lovely upbringing, taught right from wrong, respect, everything. She was such a lovely beautiful girl and still is to look at but it is like she has been taken over by a demon that i cant get through To. I am so worried as this is her GCSE year and she is now having to attend a PRU and god knows what type of friends she will make there.I dont think she will obtain any GCSE'S and then what? I know that for teenagers friends are important but hers all seem to all have issues and sometimes I wonder if she is just doing this to fit in. I have read messages on her laptop that she has sent to friends saying how horrible i am and that I hit her (i dont and in all honesty if i did i am not sure if i would be able to stop) Her new thing is not eating or prending not to, just to worry me more. Its ripping my family apart, My middle daughter spent 3 days in hospital a few weeks ago and the 15 yr old went missing at the same time, maybe because the attention was not on her, I found her and asked her just to behave and not throw a tantrum for a few days so that my middle daughter had some peace, this was like red rag to a bull and she became so abusive and load that i had to get her to go and stay with a friend. So in many ways she got what she wanted. she bullies the whole family. I have been with my partner for 8 yrs and we have all always got on, but he is now having to step in and that is causing more issues with her. Her father is no good at all and blames me for everything and has in the past gas lighted me in the past to a massive extent and still tries. can this be genetic? as the lies and warped logic are just the same from both of them. I am sorry if this is a ramble.

Can she not go and stay with her dad for a while?

There will be people who come on and give you the milksop about how you need to be more understanding and try and help her because she’s your flesh and blood and we don’t give up on our kids bollocks, but doubtful that they have had this type of experience.

He is her father and he needs to step up and have a go at straightening her out and you need respite.

She has stayed before when she was once arrested for physically attacking my middle daughter and smashing the house up. And another time when she invited friends into the house very late at night when my partner was away and I was asleep, they drank all our Gin and stole from us. The police were called that night. I also had her friends threaten me that night as well. Her stays with her father normally last around 4 days before she runs back to us saying she would change but but never does. The problem with her Father is that he 2 is a liar and his girlfriend of the last year seems to be taking a leading role in his relationship with my youngest. This has also added to her frustrations as she was his blue eyed girl. We have been separated 13 yrs I have very little to do with him and have no interest in him as he is such a liar. My partner says I am too nice and people take advantage. My ex is narcissistic. And being in contact with him and his twisted logic makes me ill.

I sympathise, I really do. I have a violent and difficult teenager myself and I have previously worked with families with difficult teenagers.
But you are almost certainly wrong about social services not helping because you are wealthy. They wouldn’t help you even if you were poor. You are doing your best and your best is good enough, that’s why they are not helping. You are not being neglectful or abusive so social services are not interested. Sadly they dont give much shit about situations like yours and the current funding situation has made this worse. Scant resources now mean that efforts have to be concentrated on cases where the parents are putting the children at risk. Blame the tories for cutting social care budgets.
My previous early intervention role with problem teenagers no longer exists due to the cuts.

My sister is like this to an extent

I don't live with her anymore but she's angry all the time destroys things and takes the piss out of my mum

I genuinely don't know what you can do I'm so so sorry but I hope you get some peace , no one deserves it she was and is your baby and I don't think kids realise how precious they are too you until they have their own.

I wasn't the nicest to my mum growing up. Nothing like what you described but now that I have my own I cringe because I'm just my mums baby.
Obviously this isn't any real help but again I can empathise as I have to watch my sister do exactly the same to my mum :(

Hi rachel are you involved in the Team Around the Family process? My dd was referred by the police when absconded for the 1st time

OP I wanted to send my sympathies as your situation sounds hellish.

Is your youngest daughter receiving any support from CAMHS? I'd refer her.... And also not sure if it's still possible (sounds drastic) but I would speak to social services and see if they can take her into care. You need to emphasise the very serious impact on you but especially on your youngest daughter and that this daughter cannot continue to live with you. I know it sounds really harsh but it sounds to me like some drastic action is needed.

Hopefully someone will come along with a social services etc knowledge.

Maybe try calling nspcc re impact on your youngest, any other children's /family charities?

With very best wishes

Sorry I think I've got your dds order wrong but hope it makes sense.

Do you report her missing with police? What's she doing when she's missing with whom?

I'm sure this will make you feel no better now but my DD was exactly the same and ended up at a specialist behavioural school, she got no GCSEs and did no work from 12-15. She's now 16 and the difference compared to last year is remarkable, she still has her days but it is rare now for her to become abusive and if she is she is apologetic quickly. Previously she didn't apologise for 4 years everything was someone else's fault and I never had a day without being told to fuck off multiple times and many calls from her school. She's actually quite sensible now snd good company!

colouring I agree that ideally the troublesome dd needs taking new into care, even if just for a short time. Unfortunately that is highly unlikely to happen due to social services financial constraints at the moment. Families like OPs just aren’t given the help they need.

She was assessed by camhs but they said it was behaviour not mental health. My middle daughter is being treated privately as cambs let her down a fair bit in the past. That’s a whole different tale that we are now thankfully on top of. We have a get set worker and she is really sweet but just does safety stuff with her. Both the get set worker and myself think she just gives lip service and the answers the get set worker want to hear.
Today she started going at me again about a top she couldn’t find. I did give her a few Home truths back at her. She is now saying a friends mum is coming to pick her up at ten tonight. I said ok let’s have your friends mums number as I can’t believe anyone would drive out at 10 in the evening. She won’t give me the number. I have told her if she leaves the house I will report her missing to the police. All hell has broken out, she hates me etc, she will cut her wrists, and she is now punching walls! She has also said she is going to stay with her Dad from Sunday, that’s the only good news I can report, but I know this won’t happen.
My other two did switch to semi normal at around 16 and going on what you have said it might happen. I just don’t know if the family will ever be one again. I certainly don’t think her sisters will be her friends. And that is a massive shame.

Send her to her dads, do not allow her back after 2 days

If she has said she intends to cut her wrists and is punching walls, call social services NOW and say it's an emergency. It may be a narrow window of opportunity to get them to put her into care.

My heart goes out to you. This must be hell for you and your other children. Unfortunately I agree with previous posters that the social care system (and mental health even more so) are buckling under the strain of cuts and underfunding, leaving families like yours out in the cold

Can your dd see somebody privately like your older dd does?
I know it’s expensive but if camhs won’t help.

How's her relationship with her step dad? She's portraying signs of abuse, noone ever touched her? Can you try to discuss this with her? There's a deep underlying issue here

Why do you let her back from her dad's each time? I would drop her off there, let him step up and take some responsibility for her, and focus on your middle daughter for a while!

She is now calm as I said I will call the police. She has had private counselling and anger management didn’t work. She did get on fine with her step Dad until he shouted at her towards the end of last year and now he is the devil along with me. He works away during most of the week but when she is really bad he will come home every night even if it means driving 250 miles each way. She has not been abused, Get Set have done all the checks as has her councillor. The problem is and I think that she is feeling it as well, is that everyone has shut down towards her. She told me before Christmas that my problem was that I care to much?! Whatever that means ( being a mum) and so I listened to some of my friends and I pulled back and gave her space. This has made her worse. It’s a real case of damned if I do damned if I don’t.
Everyone on here has made me feel that I am not alone. Thank you

having sadly I'm not surprised re ss, terrible situation.

Eh? Social services don’t turn up when a child is punching walls. Agree with pp that if the parent was reported not the child they would have to.

Social services will say call the police for the violence and go to A&E if she is self-harming.

Is she doing drugs? Sounds like my son who is 17 and cannabis has made him like this.

I was begging Social services in the summer to help they really were useless. And I was getting advice as to what to say from my brother in law that only retired a year ago and he was head at our local services. They thought they had solved it when she went to her Dads and did not listen to me when I said that it would not work there and he is useless, he talks the talk but does not walk the walk. It’s all a big mess. I will ask the gp if there is any help he can give us. They did apply for an adhd test but we got refused due to her age. I am glad that she was not put into care, I wasn’t at the time, but I do think that there are children out there with real issues and are really in danger that need help. For mine it would just give her more martyr stories to tell he friends about how dreadful her life is. Once when the police were here because she had attacked my middle daughter they were stood in her room and said to me and I quote ‘ what’s her problem? Is it that her ensuite does not have a Bath?’ Lol they might have something in that. By the way the Police have been amazing.

I know she was taking cannabis and pingers. She says she no longer is as she likes to be in control. I think this is just lip service personally. It’s terrible but I no longer believe a word she says. In my research into teenage drug use, local dealers etc I have learnt that middle class kids are targeted by drugs gangs as they know that they will always get the money. I watched my friend go through it a few years ago with her son and she had the dealers on the doorstep demanding money. She still locks herself in the house and has more cctv than fortknocks. Her son is now clean but that was years of hell she went through. He was also the youngest.

Police were great with us too when we had issues with our son. we had him arrested one night as he was violent. Big trigger for him was peer group. Hanging around with some really nasty little shits. Doesn;t mix with them now and his behaviour has improved. Still smoking weed though! :0(

Peer groups is massive, due to her changing school so much she always seems to find the lowest common denominator and then Off she goes. If she stood a chance of getting her GCSEs I would say that one day she would make a great leader. But that would take effort and it’s easier to walk away than learn. People always say ohhh terrible twos! Give me 40 2 yr olds over one teenager. At least two year olds sleep twice a day and don’t answer back with a f*k off you c*t I hate you!

I totally understand what you mean by damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Our violent teen accuses us of ignoring him and not talking to him and then also accuses us of interfering too much and bothering him all the time

Camhs couldn’t help us because our son refused to speak to them and they rely on voluntary engagement unless the person has been sectioned so they discharged him after the first appointment.

Our son knocked his dad unconscious and tried to stab him but all social services do is make a note on the files. It really is a shit situation for families dealing with violent children.