15 yr old Daughter destroying the family

[rachellovesdouglas]

I am new to this page so pardon me if i do anything wrong. For the past 2 to 3 years my youngest daughter has been destroying my family. I thought that my middle daughter was tricky as she is exceptionally sensitive but my youngest is beyond anything I know. She has been kicked out of 3 schools now, one being private. she is rude and abusive to teachers, walks out of school and goes missing. She lies, steals, is violent to myself and property. I have been forced to call social services for help but got none as we are a fairly wealthy family. The police have been called to the house on many an occasion, and she has even been taken off in an abulance for an overnight stay at the local hospital as she said she wanted to kill herself. She was assesed at the hospital and they said it was behavioral not mental health. My eldest Daughter has left home due to her behavior and the stress that she causes, and my middle daughter has attempted to kill herself due to stress of her younger sister. Its that bad. She intimates and bullies everybody if she does not get her own way,I have been forced to put locks on all doors in the house except the kitchen and lounge due to her stealing. She goes missing for days at a time, I have given up calling the police as they have better things to do than chase her around. I have tried, grounding her, taking away privilages, councelling, anger management, family mentoring, ignoring, talking, rewarding, Shouting,repeating rules etc. I have read book after book. I am exhusted. I cant work out what we have done wrong. She has had a lovely upbringing, taught right from wrong, respect, everything. She was such a lovely beautiful girl and still is to look at but it is like she has been taken over by a demon that i cant get through To. I am so worried as this is her GCSE year and she is now having to attend a PRU and god knows what type of friends she will make there.I dont think she will obtain any GCSE'S and then what? I know that for teenagers friends are important but hers all seem to all have issues and sometimes I wonder if she is just doing this to fit in. I have read messages on her laptop that she has sent to friends saying how horrible i am and that I hit her (i dont and in all honesty if i did i am not sure if i would be able to stop) Her new thing is not eating or prending not to, just to worry me more. Its ripping my family apart, My middle daughter spent 3 days in hospital a few weeks ago and the 15 yr old went missing at the same time, maybe because the attention was not on her, I found her and asked her just to behave and not throw a tantrum for a few days so that my middle daughter had some peace, this was like red rag to a bull and she became so abusive and load that i had to get her to go and stay with a friend. So in many ways she got what she wanted. she bullies the whole family. I have been with my partner for 8 yrs and we have all always got on, but he is now having to step in and that is causing more issues with her. Her father is no good at all and blames me for everything and has in the past gas lighted me in the past to a massive extent and still tries. can this be genetic? as the lies and warped logic are just the same from both of them. I am sorry if this is a ramble.

We've been called C**nts too. punched. kicked. threatened to kill us all. We had to hide knives. had him arrested-told police to keep him in cell overnight as he was out of control-which they did. when he came back, we told him if it happened again, we would have him arrested and press charges. and we meant it. It was hard, really hard. But that was a turning point for us. I think it sank in that we'd had enough. We also toughened ourself up a bit. I was convinced he would end up in prison (still a possibility), die of drugs or get attacked/stabbed. it also looks like he has autism (already diagnosed with adhd) and that has helped us identify triggers which could lead to him getting stressed or anxious and also understand why he is a little different. I'm so glad we didn;t call social services. we came close. i see how vulnerable he was and still is now and that he does still need us. he's taught at home now as he couldn;t cope at school and that is another massive step forward as he is really engaged in his lessons with his tutor. A year ago I felt we had 100% lost him. Now I feel we are seeing more of our real boy. We still have a long road ahead but more understanding on both sides i think

I was also going to ask if she has been abused by anyone. I’ve had experience of this in the past and her behaviour is very similar. I would suggest you ask her again. Hope things improve for you all. It sounds miserable.

What an awful situation, my heart goes out to you. You need to put some boundaries in and stick to them, even if it breaks your heart. First thing... she goes to her Dad's and she stays there. Do not have her back. He will soon find out what she's like and will have to step up to the mark, and support you. Do NOT allow her to come back. For the sake of your other children, whose lives are being ruined by this, if not for your own.

I doubt very much SS will do anything. Get her refereed to CAMS, and let her Dad take her to appointments. She sound like she has a personality disorder. If she can't respect you and your home, and her sisters, she will have to go and live with her father, and that is that. If he can't cope with her she will have to go into care. Tell her that in no uncertain terms, so she realises what the stakes are. You HAVE to start toughening up if you want to save yourself and your other daughters. I know how hard it is, and my heart breaks for you.

Sit her down and tell her you have had enough. And really mean it.

What was she like before puberty? DD was always very anxious and hated change, she tried desperately to control her environment, which is easier and more predictable at primary school.

Gosh reading some of these I am really not the only one going through this, its endemic ! I would never in a 100 yrs have attacked my Mother or Father.
She has not been abused, like i say she is under GetSet and they have done all the at risk tests etc.
Before puberty she was a dream, a lovely, happy, entertaining, very loving cuddly little girl. She has never been academic, more arty and creative.
Re her Father, he lives about an hrs drive away so she would not be able to get into school, he would not take her. Far too much hastle for him. He will say he has to work. I am also self employeed but over the last couple of years I have lost thousands in lost revenue. I have lost contracts that I have worked for years to get, as well as my reputation. Just because I have been chasing her around. I really dont know what i would have done if I was employed by a company.
I dont want her labeled as she would use that as an excuse for her behavior. When she started to up her anger levels, the councellor had just told her she had anger issues, the anger and the violence escallated straight away.

I read your post and it felt like I had written it myself. I did take the option of sending my dd to her dad's. 6 months it's lasted I will be picking her up tomorrow to come back to me. I feel your pain wish I could offer some wise words for you.

What is it you want social services to do? What would have helped?

Sorry but I'm also going to say abuse. Not quite sure what you mean by they have done 'risk assessments'?

I had a similar experience and hung out with loads of other poorly behaved teens. Looking back we all had abusive backgrounds. Every single one.

For what it’s worth many children will say they weren’t abused by anyone when questioned. I myself was abused and I had assessments where I absolutely denied it ( mostly through fear). If she was the type of child you described before puberty then I would be very concerned something has happened to her between then and now. They say anger is the mask for sadness. I agree with that. Like I said upthread I hope things work out for you but especially your daughter

Sounds awful OP.

I would send her to her dad's even if school doesn't happen as right now she isn't engaging anyway. If this would help sort her out, or make her appreciate what she has with you it could help. Would give the rest of the family a break too.

It may be a long shot to do the opposite of what your DD is forcing you to do - ie fighting - but could you try love bombing. There are books that describe how to do this. I doesn't sound as though DD needs psychological analysis, but a drastic change in behaviour of all those around her, contrary to her expectations, might derail her own behavioural patterns enough to allow everyone to re-synch.

I have seen this situation within my extended family.

SSD cannot wash their hands of her as she would be classified as vulnerable. Use that word when you speak to them.

I have found that CAMHs are very good at passing the buck to anyone but them.

Some of this volatile behaviour smacks of autistic spectrum - this should be properly examined.

I also know what the effects of cannabis etc. can be - if drugs are involved, then this is another reason to involved SSD. Her vulnerability will leave her prey to drug-pushing leeches and she needs protecting.

One word of advice - push for help NOW, because as soon as she reaches 18 SSD, CAMHS and so on will hide behind the fact that she is an adult who has capacity and they cannot help her without her say-so.

Im sorry I have nothing helpful to add for you, but I want to tell you that you have been helpful to me. I have a 15 year old dd with whom I also have a very difficult relationship. It just helps to know that other people are in similar situation. Thank you.

Hi there,
i know this post was in 2018 but this is happening to me with our daughter - it’s like reading my own story. I would love to know how you are now and if you have any advice on what to do.
Hopefully you see this but no worries as I know it was a long time ago,
thanks
Kate

I would put aside worries about gcses for now . Focus on mental health...yours and hers she can get her exams when she is older and (hopefully) gets through this

Is it possible she is autistic

Hi, wow it seems so long ago now. These were very sad and stressful times, when she was 17 she attacked me again and I pressed charges. ( I later dropped them but at the very last minute, I needed her to know the severity of her actions) due to her attack she couldn’t be near me so her father rented her a flat, this then went very wrong as I knew it would and she ended up at a YMCA. She stayed at the YMCA for around a year, with me helping her but not having her home, they couldn’t sort her out, so my partner and I took a different approach. She has always loved being on the water, sailing etc. being on the Sea calmed her. So we moved her to Devon at 18 1/2 put her on courses to get basic RYA qualifications etc, she got work in pubs and for a ferry boat company, and things improved ( we know a lot of people in the town where she was staying, very devon, and she could do nothing bad without me knowing, there were a few incidents but alcohol not drugs, and just the normal 18 yrs old stuff) This year we all went to Palma and she got a job on a super yacht and has had a great summer. She has grown up, calmed down and has purpose in her life, she can see the benefits of earning money, she has dropped all her old friends and made some new good ones from all over the world. She is currently home, can still be a bit of pain, and there is still animosity between her and her middle sister ( not on her part as she wants to make things good) but I don’t thing her sister will ever change her views. This is the first time she has lived back at home for more than a week since she was 17.
it was such a long, hard road, I feel for you. All you want to do is get them to listen to reason and they won’t. It’s heart breaking. I had to learn to pick my battles, keep my mouth shut and breathe through stuff. I would say it was 4-5 yrs of hell with no help from anyone, and it was lonely. But it did get better slowly and it will get better for you. Just pick your battles, and take some time for self care ( walk, massage, gym) is probably the best advice I can give. She knows what she was like, she is sorry for that and we have moved on. I do think she has ADHD, I remember asking our doctor about it and he said it was unlikely in girls. I wished I had pushed the matter as things have moved on so much with diagnosis, and we would have possibly had an easier time.
Just hang in there. It does get better. Xxxx

Thank you for the update. Our story is similar- ours has moved out (17) and communication is ok though I worry daily as she has made some spectacularly wrong decisions- but I think due to undiagnosed until 16 ADHD and other mental health problems. We are not through it yet but it is hopefully improving and I feel for anyone experiencing this- particularly those where it has just started, as for us the behaviour changed almost overnight. It stared with verbal aggression, then smashing things and then violence towards me. It has gone on for 3 years but between us ( us and our daughter) we realised that she could no longer live at one if she was going to change and like you Op- a change of scene, away from toxic drug using friends and having to earn money has started, hopefully, to turn things around.
I have no advice for others going through this really except this is not as rare as you think and we did get help from social services who put us on a course about dealing with abuse form your children. They have also given me someone to get help from when she used to go missing. This behaviour is a symptom of something - but finding out why it has manifested is tricky- often undiagnosed ADHD or other mental health conditions. However that doesn’t mean you can accept the behaviour- we set v strong boundaries eventually which at the moment means we will not allow our daughter to live at home but like the Op we support in many many ways and hope that will not always be the case as she is a very loved child