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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to bring up subject of DD doing NCS this summer

48 replies

DoinItForTheKids · 27/01/2018 18:44

Hi all

DD is 15, 16 in Feb. I've started an application for her to do the NCS volunteering thing during the summer (but not mentioned this to her as of yet). My main reason is that last year she had some major friendship changes and she literally spent the whole summer on her own. It was really awful and whilst it won't be quite that bad this summer, she's still not got a lot of girl friends that she spends time with outside of school at the moment. I CANNOT have her hanging around for days and days and days and days and weeks on end, in her room, bored, lonely. And NCS looks like a good solution. Not only to occupy her time but also to expand the friends she knows and increase her confidence.

However, there are a couple of reasons this is going to go down like a bloody lead balloon. The main one is she will be horrified at the idea of going somewhere and having to make brand new friends. I don't have a clue how I'm to sell this to her, unless she can find someone else from her school who's also going. Secondly she's got a BF now. However, there's absolutely no guarantee of how much he'll be around, or they could split up (!) and then once again she'd be sat at home on her own. And I just do not want that for her.

What approach? I always respect her views very much but on this one, mum knows best, and I do want her to go and do this. It will do her good.

I'm so hesitant about raising it I've got to say and need to be ready with arguments to encourage it as preferably I'd like her to be somewhat on board with it, but I've got a feeling I'd have to just plain force her to go.

What do people think?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/01/2018 18:46

Hmm I mentioned how it would look good on college and job applications and also how x had really enjoyed it...

turophile · 27/01/2018 18:48

I'm not sure you can make a 16 year old do volunteering for a whole summer... I know at that age I would have hated it. Why don't you encourage her to find some clubs etc that she would be interested in?

snozzlemaid · 27/01/2018 18:50

I don't think you should be making that decision for her and signing her up without her knowing.
At that age it's her decision surely.

italiancortado · 27/01/2018 18:53

You have started an application Hmm

lljkk · 27/01/2018 18:59

Can you negotiate with her that she WILL do something? Doesn't have to be NCS. Could be another form of volunteering or even paid work. Point is, try to give her some choice. You can insist she does SOMETHING up to... 30 hrs/week? but I think insisting it must be NCS is unlikely to be successful.

Alternatively, you could pay her ££. Or in expensive clothes. Might work.

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 27/01/2018 19:16

You only register an interest to start with, not actually sign her up (for the record, I have NOT formally signed her up, she simply has a registration number). That number she could give to a friend which would mean they'd go to the same place.

I do hope we're not going to go so far down the road of 'how dare you decide this for her' (which I'm clearly not, which is why I'm asking how can I broach it, what's the best way) that we lose sight of the fact that she is 15 and doesn't necessarily know what's best for her! Jeez, I'm 50 and I don't always know what's best for me but she's a child and the boring and lonely alternative that I described, is not a positive one.

I don't know how she'd find anything to do - where, with what group of people she would do it with if left to her own devices to try and organise an alternative, but I'm up for ideas. I suppose with NCS she'd be in a ready made group of people in the same boat. She has no friends that she hangs out with regularly any more, so if I can't find something for her to do, she will be on her own all summer long.

I'm not going to bribe or cajole but I do want to have a conversation with her and maybe start out by asking her to think who she might want to give her registration number to and go and do it with them - that would get her over the doorstep so to speak.

OP posts:
snozzlemaid · 27/01/2018 19:20

You'd better tell her soon then. They rang my Dd when she registered an interest.

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 27/01/2018 19:33

They don't have her number snozzle, they only have mine. At the time of registering she wasn't 16 so her contact details, I don't give out to people and even when she is 16, I wouldn't pass her contact details on to anyone without her knowledge.

OP posts:
OldGuard · 27/01/2018 19:41

Ok here’s what I would do - whether it’s the right thing or not I don’t know - but hey most of us (parents that is) are pretty much making this parenting stuff up as we go along anyway ....

  1. Sit her down / go out for coffee / go for walk and ask her about last summer and what she likes and didn’t like about it
  2. Ask her what she would like to do differently this summer
  3. Ask her how she thinks she could avoid experiencing the things about last summer that she didn’t like
  4. Ask her to list what options she feels she has for this summer
  5. Throw in some of the options you’ve investigated - have a few
  6. Suggest that together you come up with a plan to ensure that she has a happy safe fun filled summer break
  7. Have her make a list of all the options with pros and cons
  8. Discuss together
  9. Ask her probing questions to get her thinking about it including “which one do you think might look good on your college app / job app”. “Which one will make you the most happy” “what do you think is the best one for your physical and mental health” “if you had a daughter which one would you want her to choose and why”
10. Support what she decides
Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 27/01/2018 19:55

I like that thinking OldGuard, that's kind of where I was thinking of going. It's difficult at this age as your suggestion acknowledges in the points it covers, to help a child to make decisions about trying things that might be a bit scary.

If she says "Well it will be different this summer because I've got a boyfriend" or "Well I am going to get together with my friends this summer", those reasons aren't actually true, even though she may believe them and coupled with her reluctance to do things without someone by her side, I think the only chance will be if she can get a mate on board.

I think that'll have to be my starting point with her (find a mate) as I think having something structured is more likely to result in a friend committing and taking part, than some loosey goosey arrangements that might well never pan out, of what they might do during the summer.

I think the positive nature of your approach is really good.

OP posts:
OldGuard · 27/01/2018 20:10

And if I’m honest I would probably say that it’s non negotiable that something will be organized but you want her to decide (within reason) what that will be

Sitting at home in social media is the road to self esteem issues and drama

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 27/01/2018 20:15

Yes. That's really good OldGuard. Thank you for some inspiration x

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 27/01/2018 21:28

Dd is doing it for similar reasons, but she really wanted to
Do it! I was keen on her doing something else which was more expensive, but if she didn’t like it it would’ve been a supreme waste of money. She wasn’t enthusiastic, but when I spoke to her about NCS she loved the idea. Going on her own, I’m
Hoping she’ll
Like the people but even if she doesn’t make lasting friends it will
Look good on her cv.
Def speak to your dd properly about it, don’t force her. If she’s 16 already she could get a local
Job instead or do some volunteering. I totally agree with not wanting them
Around all summer. I also have ds who will be in school til end July and I’ll
Be at work so she needs to be occupied!

EduCated · 27/01/2018 22:51

No particular advice, except to say my mum gently bullied me into a similar sort of thing when I was 16 and didn’t have a particularly great group of friends. I was adamant I didn’t want to go but she kept convincing me to just go and have a look. Long story short, it was probably one of the best things I have ever done in terms of confidence building and trying new things.

It sounds like you really have got her best interests at heart here!

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 28/01/2018 07:12

Thanks for these posts.

Yes, I'm too going to be at work as per usual so it's not even like I'll be there. As I write this now at stupid o'clock on a Sunday morning, she's spending yet another weekend with NO contact with any female friends, all she's had is a visit from her boyfriend and yesterday she was SOOOOOOOOOOO bored (and lonely, and probably feeling like she's shit because no one of her 'friends' want to hang with her, ever, outside of school). It's a struggle for her to cope with this but it's not any easier for me! It's heartbreaking - she's such a fantastic kid and she's just been left out in the cold socially.

She's 16 in Feb (thus we will need to have made a decision by then otherwise all the places will have gone). I've been round town with her months ago handing out mini-CVs. We got absolutely nothing back from it. She's had no joy with jobs - it's who you know and all the kids who get jobs get them because their mum works in a pub or their dad this or that; I don't have those connections and wasn't born round here, I have no way of getting her a job so if this is one of the things she puts forward to me as an alternative, I'm going to have to reject it because it's highly, highly unlikely to happen. And she'll be sat at home for weeks on end feeling bored and lonely and crap and I just can't have it because it's damaging enough every weekend, but six, seven weeks solid of that? I just can't let it happen.

OP posts:
moochypooch · 28/01/2018 08:35

How about she works in a charity shop to get some experience while she applies for jobs that come up. Working in a charity shop is good for confidence too! Libraries take on loads of volunteers too.
The NCS thing looks brilliant and I hope my dcs choose to take part, but from experience I know if ds goes he will hate it but survive it and that's what he'll take from it, dd will love it and make friends for life.....but it will be up to them.....but at 15 they make their decisions....I just make sure they are aware of the impact of their decisions. Sometimes they will object initially to something and then a week later they'll be more keen - give her space to process.

Somersetter · 28/01/2018 08:44

I would have hated something like that when I was fifteen and would have refused to do it.

I agree it's a good idea to come up with a plan for the summer but please don't try to force your daughter to do this if she doesn't want to. She'd 15, and old enough to have a say.

hugoagogo · 28/01/2018 08:50

Have you thought about Reading Hacks?
Both my dc have done it, it looks great on the cv, and you can control to some extent how much you want to do.
Your dd might prefer not to go away for two weeks if her and her boyfriend are joined at the hip-it seems such a long time at that age.

wannabestressfree · 28/01/2018 08:51

Why did you go round with mini cv's?
Look I get it, I have three sons, but you can only plant the seed not insist. She may pick up Work when she is actually 16 (ds2 had to be 16 and exams finished before whetherspoons would take him on)

wannabestressfree · 28/01/2018 08:53

Also my step son is a teacher and team leader for ncs and he says it's an awful experience for those who have been forced or don't want to be there- it's a big commitment.

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 28/01/2018 08:54

I went round with her with mini CVs - BECAUSE SHE WANTED TO GET A JOB!!

OP posts:
TheSecondOfHerName · 28/01/2018 08:56

Explain to her that she needs to do some structured activity this summer (e.g. a course or volunteering) but that she can choose what.

We ask our teenage children to do at least hours of voluntary work each summer holiday. Two of them choose to volunteer for a church holiday club for younger children. The other two volunteer to help with the summer reading challenge at the local library (Reading Hack).

Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 28/01/2018 08:57

At the end of the day, if she's absolutely hellbent on not doing NCS then of course she won't do it, obvs.

I also agree that giving it time to settle into thinking about this as an idea is good. I think maybe asking for her to consider the first step of trying to find someone she can share her NCS number with in order to have someone to go with, would be a good starting point rather than her thinking about the whole thing. I know if she had someone to go with, she'd be alright with it and that may be the make or break of it in the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
DoinItForTheKids · 28/01/2018 08:59

She's doing realllly well in her Eng. Language so Reading Hack might be a good one - thanks for the tip as I'd not heard of this.

OP posts:
moochypooch · 28/01/2018 10:04

My dcs did the library hack thing last summer - they continued to help out at the library through DoE and will probably go back this summer as it's really flexible, they had to deal with some pretty awful demanding parents...definitely good for their confidence.

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