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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

What time do your 17 year olds need to be home at night?

43 replies

BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 10:02

There was a thread on this recently which I think I added to but can't find.

DD is very nearly 17 (year 12). Party mad and I usually pick her up from 'gatherings' about 2am and she's been pretty good at sticking to it. Occasionally she'll stay st friends after parties.

Last night I was knackered and pre ordered an uber for 2am. DH said it wouldn't work, she wouldn't get in it etc.

Got a text at 1.45 from DD saying party still going strong don't worry about uber, she'll sort herself one out later.

She got in at 5am.

Part of me is extremely pissed off, I keep thinking 'she's only 16', the other part thinks at least she kept in touch about her plans, she got home, she wasn't drunk and she's a year off being an adult.

OP posts:
EveryoneTalkAboutPopMusic · 14/01/2018 10:44

Just marking my place. My eldest is a couple of years behind and I need to know what’s coming my way Grin

NC4now · 14/01/2018 10:48

Not quite there with my teens yet, but once I got to sixth form I was either home by midnight or stayed at a friend’s house.
We lived in a fairly remote area, so it wasn’t easy to get around.

RegionalTreasure · 14/01/2018 10:52

Why are you pissed off? I genuinely don't understand why you mind her staying out late? I and my peers were treated as adults at that age, and I'm from quite a strict family!

MajesticWhine · 14/01/2018 10:56

For 17 year old we are usually fairly flexible about the time as long as we know where she is and how she will be travelling. A normal Saturday night with friends might be 12.0. But a party which finishes late might be negotiated to 2am.

mbwoy84 · 14/01/2018 11:00

There’s no way in hell I would let a 16 or 17 year old stay out until 2am, but each to their own

AllTheWayDown · 14/01/2018 11:08

Don't have any children that age but when I was 17 I was sometimes out til 2-3am, as long as I kept in touch with my mum about plans & where I was etc.. then she didn't mind.

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 11:13

Thanks for replies.

Mbwoy, why not? And when would you relax those rules?

OP posts:
AutumnalTed · 14/01/2018 11:17

I was this age only 3 years ago, be grateful she contacted you (and was still in a position to contact you) to let you know her plans. I suggest if she’s staying safe and not got herself in any trouble, to keep with what you’re doing and trust your instincts. Much better she feels she can trust you with things like this, my mum let me and always said she’d rather I felt I could call her if I was in trouble than panic and think I’d be in trouble and put myself in danger. By the time I was 18 I’d ring her at 11 saying please come and get me this club is crap and she’d come and get me and my friends and we’d just end up staying in.

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/01/2018 11:22

Whenever she wants so long as she gives me a rough idea and let's me know if plans change, she's 16.

TheSecondOfHerName · 14/01/2018 11:28

DS1 is a year older (nearly 18).

We live in a village with low crime levels but many of his friends live on the other side of town. The town centre has a fair amount of violent crime, especially at night.

For his personal safety, and our peace of mind, we ask him to be back by 1am. If he decides to stay at a friend's house, he sends me a message.

MoonfaceAndSilky · 14/01/2018 11:30

No way would I let my dd16 out till 2am and I'm pretty sure none of her friends would be allowed either. As for 5am Shock

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/01/2018 11:34

I suspected I was being unreasonable. We make dd17 return by 10.30 if she’s getting a bus. I will pick her up later from a friend’s house if agreed in advance. DH gets so anxious about her. It’s really him that I find unmanageable, he just paces & frets while she’s out. She is so sweet that she doesn’t even complain that we’re being unfair. I think we’re ogres.

TheSecondOfHerName · 14/01/2018 11:37

DS1 also goes to 'gatherings'.
I have asked him what the difference is between a gathering and a party. Apparently it's a couple of dozen guests, a keg of beer and a marquee in the garden. Grin

titchy · 14/01/2018 11:45

Gosh mabel thats so unfair of your dh. Sad

As long as I know where they are and how they're getting home, and that they sort out any consequences of being really late (like going to work knackered and getting bollocked by the boss) I don't have any set rules once they're in sixth form (I don't pick up later than midnight though - kudos to you for 2am pick ups!).

To the naysayers - you do realise by restricting them at 17, one year off adulthood, once they're at university they'll go completely wild and find themselves in very vulnerable situations without the security of having parents nearby to help in an emergency?

Figrollsnotfatrolls · 14/01/2018 11:50

Ds 16 got in at 1 this morning. He had been to a party at a pub (private room). Usually in every week night after boxing +the gym +college. Out maybe 1 week end a month at a house party /organised one.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/01/2018 11:53

Titchy, that’s a very good point. She needs to be out & about while she’s still got her training wheels on.
We need to back the hell up & it’s going to be my issue to sort. Because as they say on MN, “I don’t have a dd problem, I have a dh problem”.
I know it’s a nice problem to have - dh loves her so much that he’s strict with the rules & she’s so respectful she follows them without complaining but nobody’s learning anything this way are they?

Sarahh2014 · 14/01/2018 12:00

I wouldn't have been allowed out til 2am at that age (and I wont let my ds when he is that age ) but once I got to 18 and working I could pretty much do as I wanted providing I let my parents know roughly what time I was coming home.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 14/01/2018 12:22

Sorry for slight derailing OP. I think your own dd showed good initiative and stayed safe & in touch. I think I’d actually like to get our family to where you are! As long as she’s being pleasant & not groaning about being tired, I think it’s best to concentrate on the good choices she made. I’m going to try & move things along so that we operate more like the Balls family.

Runninglateeveryday · 14/01/2018 12:29

DD 16 no curfew , thankfully she doesn't go out during the week. I just ask that she stays in touch and let's me know by 11 if she's coming home or staying out and if so where. I don't understand how people with 17 year olds say be in at 10, do they just hit 18 and then all rules vanish?

Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 12:54

It's such a tricky age. I want her to go out and have fun but safely. Despite not sticking to plans she did keep me informed (and awake!). I'd have prob turned off my phone if I'd had one at that age.

My parents made be feel bad for having a social life and I don't want to be like that with her and her sister.

OP posts:
Original poster
BigSandyBalls2015 · 14/01/2018 12:58

Mabel my DH is cross this morning thinking 'she's taking the piss' by not getting the 2am cab. I'm more in your camp, the fact she's been honest and kept in touch. She must have some credit for that.

I'm working on him. I also reminded him that he used to have 'lock ins' at his local pub at 16 and rock home at god knows what hour, scaring his mother to death!

OP posts:
ArabellaRockerfella · 14/01/2018 14:09

I think you are more than generous! My 17yr old has to be home by 1am at the latest and 11.30 on a school night!

OverByYer · 14/01/2018 14:15

My 17 year old drives now so he pretty much comes and goes as he pleases.
However he is really good at letting me know where he is and if he’s staying at friends he lets me know.
When he was year 12; I did like him to be back by 2, but the odd transgression I would let go if like OPs daughter he let me know.

IHaveBrilloHair · 14/01/2018 14:16

My Dd had to wake me up last night to tell me she was home safe, it was 9.30!

Teenageromance · 14/01/2018 14:17

I don’t understand this argument of them will go wild at university. Those staying out until 5 am are doing it now but I don’t get why that is better?