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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

How to tell a teen NO. :(

39 replies

mloo · 01/01/2018 19:45

Sorry this is vague. I have relatives on MN so trying not to tell them all this indirectly.

I told DD she could have something very expensive. I was sure I could talk DH around & he would ask his parents to help pay for it. But I didn't consult DH before making that offer. :( It turns out PILs only want to do what DH recommends.

Months later, DH remains implacably opposed. He deems the item a ridiculous waste of money. He says his folks only said "Yes" (recent) because DD pressured them. He is furious about Princess DD acting so entitled.

DH is being a wimp. He is sulking and stressed out but he doesn't want to tell DD No.

I made this mess because I should have consulted DH first. So now it falls to me to tell DD NO. An almighty many day/week tantrum will ensue and the tension between DD & DH is going to be horrific.

I am scavenging here for moral support. And any suggestions when or how it's best to tell a bolshy Teen they can't have something their heart is set upon. Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 19:48

You're going to have to bite the bullet and just tell her .Could she save up pocket money and you go halves with her.

RaindropsAndSparkles · 01/01/2018 19:49

And that means?

LaurieFairyCake · 01/01/2018 19:50

You don't say the word 'no'

You say it's not possible for now as it's too expensive but you will help her save/go halves/help her get more money together from job/birthday money

babigailwabble · 01/01/2018 19:51

how silly. don't teach your child to walk expecting things. raising her a brat isn't doing her any favours. just tell her NO. money does not grow on trees. one day she will understand and in the meantime let her sulk!

Dweet1259 · 01/01/2018 19:51

Could you ask her to do some chores etc as part payment towards it? Set a goal, make it clear what she has to do and then reward her with it, that way she will understand the value of it a bit more? If she's been told yes by one parent then I don't think it's fair to now say no!! And surely your husband wouldn't disagree with that approach?

MrsSchadenfreude · 01/01/2018 19:51

I am desperate to know what it is!

I think you need to be straight with her and admit that you committed without DH’s day so. You are sorry about this, and it is your fault for saying that he would pay when you hadn’t consulted him. Can she use Christmas money to buy it/save up/put towards whatever it is? This is probably her best route if her heart is set on it.

And if she tantrums, then tell her that she is acting like a 3 year old, and this is absolutely not the best way to get what she wants. A more mature approach might pay dividends.

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 19:51

Also, You and DH are the parents , I'd be a bit concerned that he's stressed out at having to tell DD! Is she used to getting what she wants ?

babigailwabble · 01/01/2018 19:51

how expensive are we talking here anyway.

Floralnomad · 01/01/2018 19:52

Just tell her that when you said yes you were banking on different financial circumstances to what you have found yourself faced with . Frankly if she does throw a hissy fit then I’d agree with your dh that she is being an entitled princess . Do not say no because dad says it’s a waste of money / blame him , it’s not his fault .

Snowman41 · 01/01/2018 19:53

I was sure I could talk DH around & he would ask his parents to help pay for it

Are you for real Hmm

Acopyofacopy · 01/01/2018 19:53

Just tell her that you would really like her to have the very expensive item, but you don’t have the funds.
No need to blame dh or pils.

YearOfYouRemember · 01/01/2018 19:55

If she's going to have weeks long tantrum then it's time she did get told no.

You say you agreed with her she could have something without getting dh agreement, right now he's saying no so you're sorry but she'll have to wait.

CremeFresh · 01/01/2018 19:55

Tell us what the item is Op, or at least the cost of it .

IHaveBrilloHair · 01/01/2018 19:57

Why on earth did you tell her she could have something without consulting the other people you expected to pay for it?
This is all on you, and I can see why she'd tantrum.

Audree · 01/01/2018 19:58

Don’t blame it on your dh, he’s not the wimp here.
Also, this shouldn’t cause tension between your dd and dh, YOU made a promise you can’t keep.
Take accountability and move on. She’ll get over it.

TrojansAreSmegheads · 01/01/2018 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brizzledrizzle · 01/01/2018 20:02

No is a complete sentence. Just say it.

falange · 01/01/2018 20:02

If you're so worried about telling her that's a sign that all is not well in your house. She might be understandably disappointed but should not be throwing a strop, never mind one you are expecting to last a week. I agree with others who said just tell her you can't afford it. End of. Don't enter into any argument about it. If she really wants it she needs to figure out a way of how she gets enough money to buy it herself. Tbh I'm not sure I'd want to buy her anything expensive if her behaviour is so bad that she has week long strops.

Original poster
mloo · 01/01/2018 20:03

"Are you for real"

Yeah, I realise it reads like I'm a cowbag to assume things about the PILs money. It's something they can afford & hugely approve of, but only with DH's blessing (which he doesn't give).

If anyone wants to PM me I'll explain more what item is, as long as I don't think you're relatives incognito.

Item is time sensitive & wildly too much for DD to save up for (even just half).

Maybe MNers will only scold which really isn't going to improve anything & I will hide thread & forget I asked. I do actually know somewhere online to post where only niceness is allowed, might be best to go there, instead.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/01/2018 20:06

Wow!! A week long tantrum! How old is she!
I have stroppy teenage girls but this is a whole new level and I'm quite shocked tbh

Madcatter · 01/01/2018 20:06

I agree with MrsSchadenfreude re being up front and admitting fault. Since you've made the mistake of saying yes, it's only fair. Also if you hold your hands up, admit you made the mistake and say sorry it puts her in the position where it's harder for her to throw a tantrum whereas if you just turn around around and say 'no' after having said yes, then it's kind of expected that she'll be pissed off IYSWIM? (Disclaimer: I don't have a teen so may be massively underestimated their strop throwing capacity)

Why did your DH say no? Because it's too expensive or because he doesn't agree with her having it. Maybe offer to make a contribution towards it, and as PP have suggested let her earn money for chores, ask for money towards it for birthday etc. Couldn't she have had money towards it for Christmas? How long has she wanted it?

BattleCuntGalactica · 01/01/2018 20:12

Well since you landed yourself in it, I'd suggest being brutally honest with her. Tell her that you shouldn't have promised her the item because her father/his parents haven't agreed to pay for it. Sure she's going to be upset, but it's a lesson for you both.

You have to take full responsibility for the fact that you shouldn't have said she could have it. There's no way to be gentle about that. She can't have it, so just be honest.

CheeseyToast · 01/01/2018 20:14

New iPhone?

babigailwabble · 01/01/2018 20:16

imagine the AIBU from the PIL.

DIL has told dgd we will pay for her new pony without consulting us or DH. DH thinks wife is CF and has told us he does not approve of her approach. we are inclined to agree. CF or AWBU?

notafish · 01/01/2018 20:27

Is it a trip of some kind or an experience type expense? That's all I can think of as something time sensitive and tgat PILs would approve of but DH not agree with. Hmm tricky. I guess you can only be honest and say ypu thought PILs would help out but they're not going to.