Please help. I don't like my DS

[HelpMe76]

So fed up with his rude, selfish attitude.

I am a lone parent and his DF has let him down pretty badly over the years, he had a tough time at school with bullying a few years ago and he is an anxious child BUT I have had enough of the back chat, being told to 'shut up' lack of any support or appreciation.

He is 13, His little bro is 5 and he is now developing an attitude towards me too. I am not a pushover and do give them boundaries and restrictions etc, and my kids are my priority, I do everything I can for them emotionally and financially but it is bloody hard being a single parent.

I am at the stage where I don't even feel like giving him his Xmas presents (I will of course) but I don't like him! He doesn't deserve them!

Do any of you not like your teens sometimes and if so how do you deal with it? It seems so much harder on your own as you just can't ever get away from them!

I am worried he is only 13 and there is worse ahead

I have figured out that I don't have to like my teens. There is no moral obligation whatsoever to like them. But I can still do the responsible good parent things for them & that is good enough. My conscience is clear. I stay much saner by making minimal effort to get emotional about them.

Some days I luck out & find I am enjoying their company, at least for a few minutes, or even much longer. Bonus.

That sounds like a good strategy.

DS has told me to 'shut up' about 5 times today. - after a day full of treats. Honestly feel like I shouldn't even bother.

ugh. I do call them on rude language. "I don't talk to you like that so don't speak to me like that" has to be a bit of a broken record, on bad days, until they acknowledge they shouldn't have said it.

To be fair, we had a worse teenage phase a few months ago when 'F off' would have been the most likely response. I absolutely put my foot down that he could not speak to me like that in this house. It was like I thought he was one of the teenage boys in the playground at school. He has actually stopped the swearing, but 'shut up' I guess gives him the same release of anger towards me - if a bit more controlled.

I cannot face years of this and GCSE studying/nagging to do homework etc.

Sorry like he thought I was one of the teenagers in the playground...

Very hard as a single parent OP. Disliked my teen from about 14. Love the bones of him though.

My ex had little involvement so all down to me, good cop bad cop, very very hard.

DS is coming up 20 now, he’s still very frustrating, but I can definitely see the change.

No. Plenty of times I don't like her behaviour, and I'm sure with years more to go there'll be lots more behaviour I can't stand.

My advice would be to separate the single parent side and his behaviour. I'm on my own too so I'm not denying it's tough. Or that financially dd isn't limited compared to a two income home/ if I actually received fair maintanence. But I see the problems with being a lone parent as mine, not hers. She doesn't owe me better behaviour because it's tougher for me than a couple.

That's interesting @Thehogfather . I don't think he owes me better behaviour. Just decent manners and respect. Although thinking it through perhaps I may do subconsciously because I work so so so hard to keep a roof over our heads, I at least want him to appreciate that rather than take with both hands and want more. He seems so selfish to me at the moment - I guess that is your 'normal' teenager. I do take it personally though. I can't bear him lounging around when I get in late from work and am standing there cooking dinner still with my coat on. Always under pressure and in a rush. If I'm lucky I get a grunt of thanks. Maybe I am expecting too much.

Soul destroying to think I have years of this slog ahead.

... and what will happen to my 5 year old watching all this behaviour solely taken out on me?

Would call him every time on the shut up business..don't get mad just check it again and again. But the rest is standard enough teenage stuff l'm afraid. Maybe stop seeing yourself as a victim ..l mean that kindly. He is only 13 so not likely to have dinner ready when you come in. Try to do quick options and double cook some evenings so reduce your own stress.
When mine were teens l heard a talk where he said a lot of trouble comes from the parents own stress. So if you weren't exhausted his lying around wouldn't affect you as much. Try to begin each day new. Try to spend a little time with him in the evening not giving out but chatting or watching football..whatever he is into. Don't blame him for his dfs uselessness..That age is a bit of a pain but it won't always be like that.
Have something for yourself..exercise, coffee with a friend, favourite magazine, whatever helps you unwind. Hope you have a nice Christmas.

He's pushing boundaries because with you he feels safe doing so. Don't put up with the rudeness, don't listen, walk away, say something like; we'll talk later.
Make sure he knows how much he is loved and wanted. No matter what behaviour you see and how much he needs his mum's love and support. It's hard at times but it does pass.

"I cannot face years of this and GCSE studying/nagging to do homework etc."

Most MNers do seem to want to do the nagging. There are lots of threads on here where MNers chivvy each other along with moral support to do the nagging. There's a big culture around being so invested in their results.

Screw that. Unless my teen is being abusive to me, I'll always listen, and ask them about their decisions & their life & encourage them & remind them why it's in their own best interests to try to get good qualifications & support their aspirations, but I won't nag. I don't take the credit or the blame, either. No sodding way.

There's a really good book - get out of my life but take Alex and me into town first.
It explains about teenage brains. basically you've got to hope that all the ground work you put in previously will see them through and they come out as nice people on the other side. There's little you can do to influence them at this stage.
I now have a lovely 22 year old but the teenage years were tough.

As lljk says - nagging is pointless and you'll just end up harming yourself.

You’ll hear parents say “I don’t know what happened to my sweet little girl/boy, overnight they’ve morphed into someone I don’t know”

That’s the teenage brain..google it..

@lljkk I'll try to get more of that attitude. I don't push him at all! Or expect too much. Just homework done and stay on top of things at school. He had slipped into wanting to stare at his iPad more than anything else. I just expect him to retain some focus at school.

I am at home, monitoring use etc and not in rooms overnight, no iPhone at all, but I have 3 jobs and a house to run and his little bro. There is no time for me at the mo.

I'm scared of raising a selfish male who expects a woman to do it all for him. I have to ask for about 2 weeks for him to pick stuff off his own bedroom floor. I don't want to 'just leave it' as some suggest. Surely he should take some responsibility for something?

I have bought that book. Bought it months ago. I have a pile of a few! Never have have bloody time to read them.

Maybe I do see myself as a victim. Or certainly hard done by at the mo. Life just feels constant childcare, cleaning, shopping, working. No end in sight. No breathing space to re-evaluate and be more the Mum I want to be. Fire fighting all the time.

Lost contact with friends, can't afford babysitters, small family left after bereavements and not much they can do to help.

Get tomorrow over and done with and hopefully the pressure will lift a bit.

Bah humbug

I was a vile teenager from 12-16 years old and my mum said when I started sixth form college at 16, it was like a light switched and I rejoined the human race! So hold tight, I am sure he will eventually improve.

Helpme I'm in a similar place right now.
Single parent to 4 boys. Eldest is 12 (13 in feb)

He can be absolutely VILE. He bullies his brothers, goes out of his way to upset people and refuses to shower. [Hmm]

His younger brothers copy him and it drives me insane.

It does feel like you're just on a treadmill going through the motions and never having enough time to do all the things that need doing.

I have no advice I'm afraid but just wanted to say you're not alone!

helpme I can identify with a lot you say..

It was like this for me when they were young, I worked always and rarely had time for socialising. I have loads of time now because they are adults, but few to socialise with

As for your DS, believe me when he gets a GF he will move mountains for her, so certainly don’t worry about that! But you do have to make him responsible for his role in the house. You’re a team, and teams work together.

I’ve learned that clear boundaries are paramount, enforcing is the difficult bit. It does get better, sadly not overnight.

Like a PP said ‘you are certainly not alone’

Merry Christmas

@cakeymccakington I can offer you one glimmer of hope.... if I got my DS to shower once or twice a week it was an achievement. Luckily he never smells and does change clothes every day so that wasn't an issue.

.. in the last month something strange has happened.... he showers through choice EVERY DAY! The problem now will be the water bill I have no clue what bought about this change and try not to think about what he is going in there...

Doing in there, not going!

It’s fine not to like your dc as a teen just remember you live then but relationships test boundaries and change over the years

Thanks to all who share the pain. Christmas for all of you not too early on Xmas eve

It really helps to know you are not alone and such a horrible Mummy that you deserve it all.

Oh god. Well I guess daily showers would be an improvement. Let's not think about what goes on in there.