Please help. I don't like my DS

[HelpMe76]

So fed up with his rude, selfish attitude.

I am a lone parent and his DF has let him down pretty badly over the years, he had a tough time at school with bullying a few years ago and he is an anxious child BUT I have had enough of the back chat, being told to 'shut up' lack of any support or appreciation.

He is 13, His little bro is 5 and he is now developing an attitude towards me too. I am not a pushover and do give them boundaries and restrictions etc, and my kids are my priority, I do everything I can for them emotionally and financially but it is bloody hard being a single parent.

I am at the stage where I don't even feel like giving him his Xmas presents (I will of course) but I don't like him! He doesn't deserve them!

Do any of you not like your teens sometimes and if so how do you deal with it? It seems so much harder on your own as you just can't ever get away from them!

I am worried he is only 13 and there is worse ahead

Op, I'm not suggesting it's ok to be disrespectful etc, more that you don't need to take it personally, or read more into it because of your struggles.

So eg him lazing about isn't because he doesn't appreciate you, and couldn't give a shit that you work hard. It's just because he's 13, and any bad behaviour gets tackled on that front rather than from your hurt feelings iyswim.

Dd has responsibilities in the house, but on the basis they are life skills rather than for my benefit. With her room the rule is no encrusting crockery, potentially rotting food, or leaving all the glasses up there. Don't complain if a cat covers clean clothes in hair or expect me to sort it if you don't put them away. I'll vacuum/ change bedding/ dust if it's clear but won't move stuff or tidy. Clothes only get washed if they're in the basket. Otherwise it's up to her.

Sorry if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but have you tried prepping dinner the night before? I was on my own from the off, so I got into the habit of cooking once dd was in bed and kept it up. I much prefer slinging something in the oven after work, then spending time later on prepping the next day's to coming in and cooking immediately.

"Surely he should take some responsibility for something?"

He can live with the stink & clutter in his room if he doesn't pick stuff up. Action (or lack thereof), consequences, all done.

I do the whole batch cooking/slow cooker, meal planning etc. Just never enough time. By the time they are in bed and I have finished tidying up, making packed lunches etc it is late.

On the plus side. He (almost) always puts his dirty laundry in the basket. Food is not in bedrooms anyway. He carries his plate from the table to the kitchen after meals and he doesn't go out all hours with friends etc.

It is just the moody and ungrateful attitude that breaks me when life is tough enough anyway.

I guess I'm just having a moan. Sorry. I should count my blessings.

Him sitting around doing nothing/on iPad just reminds me of his father and I guess that is my issue not his. Just worn out I guess.

I had the boy who changed overnight, didn't like who he was becoming, our relationship was deteriorating, it was pretty awful and I wasn't accepting it at all - I was determined to fix it because home life was becoming a nightmare less happy place. Bought the books and read them enthusiastically - changed my parenting. When I feel like we are starting to unravel I love bomb, I have done this since they were small.

For now I am happy with our relationship - without the books we were downward spiralling because I was treating him like a child, controlling and punishing, rather than training him to be an adult, teaching him to make good decisions, taking responsibility, teaching him to express himself without the need to be aggressive, putting him in control and allowing him to take the consequences - he was battling for recognition of his stage in life - he was right to do so.

Wise words @greenhairymonster I guess I am just struggling to put anything into practice.

Can you give me ideas for lovebombing? What are the things you do to achieve that? I don't think he would chose much spending time with me.

Any top tips in general.

It is very helpful to hear a positive story/outcome.

Would love some top tips!!

I’m flabbergasted. If i has told my parents to ‘shut up’ even now as a 35 year old grown woman there would be hell to pay. Be moody be a teen but remain respectful, you’re his mother and deserve respect!

Goodgirl - the pinnacle of ds's rebellion was when he told me to "fuck off". It was the massive alarm bell that I really needed to listen to - yes it was hugely disrespectful but it was his desperate attempt to be listened to and I did - I knew things had hit rock bottom and I needed to fix it and I felt completely out of my depth because whatever I was doing worked for ds as a young child but failed him as a teenager.
My dh always tells me that in a relationship you can only change your 50% and I was determined to change my approach before our relationship was completely ruined.
Love bombing is about doing something your teen wants to do, to stop being the authoritarian figure and trying to remember the love you share. What we do with our teens will very much depend on them....just remember it's not a treat, they don't have to earn it and you cannot use it as punishment. At times we have done it once a month till we feel everyone is back to normal again. Google it for ideas - talk to your dc and plan time for pure pleasure. If it's hard start off with 30mins over an ice cream - just remember to be positive and not to be the one in charge.
As an enemy you cannot influence your teens, worse than not listening to you, they will go out of their way to prove you wrong - I'm not suggesting you try and be their best friend - just that you try and be the wise counsel - allow them to make mistakes and learn from them - that's a great life skill, they'll never be perfect, they'll always make mistakes but we all do....it's how we evolve.

@Goodgirl7 I get where you are coming from. Possibly the problem is if a child has been through difficult times and seen your DH (Ex) talk to you like dirt and then treat him the same way. Throw in some bereavements and anxiety issues and you have a child that has emotions that need to come out (it is a work in progress).

@greenhairymonster Thank you for that. It is definitely a transition where they need to feel heard and respected. Good to be reminded to step down from 'the boss' now and again. I have probably let him down on that score as I've been drowning under separate circumstances and just been head down trying to koko. Hard to find a balance between still issuing the rules and simply hanging out. I intend to do some hanging out right now while I can instead of collapsing in the chair and falling asleep which is what I really feel like doing!

I agree with lljkk about nagging. It drains you, unless you're one of those weird people who thrive on it.

I say to DC: I want you to listen to my opinion because I only bother to give it about stuff I care about. You don't have to follow it but I do want to know you've heard it and considered it. Then it's up to you.

I also (often) say: please don't make me nag., I hate nagging - it makes me grumpy and miserable. And you hate being nagged. There's stuff you know you need to do. Do it without being nagged, please.

Whish sort of is nagging but without having to feel bad about it.

At least I don't think I nag. I do say stuff like
"Do you have any homework?"
"Do you need help with any homework?"
Which are questions about their plans, not me insisting they must plan (I hope).

I do a quiet campaign of attrition to get apologies when I think I deserve one. The difference in tone from what other people said, is, I can fricking wage my campaign FOREVER.

Is it possible to change someone's attitude? I dunno. I haven't a magic key for that one, either.

@gingerclementine I JUST TRIED YOUR APPROACH AND IT WORKED!! Have asked DS twice today to tidy up a pile of his stuff into a storage box I provided (2 minute job) and just been met with grunts, I just said 'This is the point where I have to start nagging and asking again and I will get fed up and you won't like it either so please do it now quick' ... HE DID IT!

Result!
I have variations on that.
"Do you really want me to ask you six times to brush your teeth or can you just get it done now, so we don't both have to listen to me droning on at you about it?"

I hate that word - nagging, could never describe my requests as nags - that makes you so easy to dismiss, imo. I make reasonable requests that sometimes require repeating at which point I will gently remind my teens that they are giving me the green light to do the same with them, which I will happily do, to prove a point. Relationships are a two-way thing and it works best for both people involved to work to the same set of rules - they are generally the rules that most people can co-exist with.

I don't go near homework - it's for them, they do it or don't do it, the consequences will be owned by them in the short term (detention) and the long term (poor employment prospects) and they are well aware of this.
I will not be blamed for their inaction.....they will own their decisions and the consequences. They do well at school for themselves, I am of course pleased but it's not for me and I keep repeating that.

HelpMe - that's brilliant news. Hope it carries on working!

Things l found helpful..rub them on the shoulder as you go by or mess their hair. Bring them a treat when you go shopping. Let them have their friends in to play xbox ..very important one. Tell them your news..especially if in the car ..it keeps the communication open. Ask their advice..that surprises them. Look happy when they arrive home so give them a nice greeting so they know home is a good place.

Great list! June

Im a Chemistry teacher in London good with kids just had two days with my 18 year old daughter who is at University seems like she absolutely detests me on our short meetings Ive been divorced twice since Ive known her and until a few years ago had a great relationship my family tell me she will get better but Im not sure help please!

I can sympathise with you - I had two teenagers on my own, too. It's that feeling of being disliked that's so awful.

Try to have something in common. Go for box sets or films (let him choose) which you watch together when your 5 year old is in bed. Try above all to have a laugh together about something. Try not to criticise choices made by anyone on screen (!) - they will get their comeuppance at some point.

Act as though you like him. Compliment him. Always have his back. Don't criticise his friends. Thank him for doing virtually anything.

Say things to your 5 year old eg "You should be more like Teenager - he does X, Y and Z."

I feel for you! Mine are in their 20s now and all that time has gone. (Almost) forgotten.

Oh also, compare him favourably to others. So talk about someone from work or the school gate... "Of course, she's struggling because her son's a right pain in the arse. I was sympathetic to her but I was SO grateful I had you."

Sometimes you'll have to bite your tongue and cross your fingers but it's worth it!

I feel your pain. Struggling with DS (age 15) at the moment.
Meant to be doing revision for mocks next week, but has done so little.

• goes to bed too late, despite prompts, reminders. Bangs around/leaves lights on and keeps me awake.
• is selfish - never helps/makes cups of tea etc, but expects them from others
• is a slob - would spend entire life supine on sofa watching box sets if I didn't cajole, nag, encourage, bribe etc

I had a crap night's sleep last night as he was still flushing loos and banging doors at 12.30am so today I have decided I am too tired to do anything for him and he can sod off and look after himself

Oh yes, I can totally sympathise! There are times when I feel that I really don't like my kids! It usually doesn't last more than a day or two, although it's been longer with my DS when he was about 11/12 (he started a bit younger!).

He has got a lot better and it's now rare that he gets angry with me, let alone call me names. He still lacks self motivation and getting him to do chores is demanding him to climb the Everest, but there are more times when we can have great conversations about 'life' and when he actually shows some determination, even if it doesn't last"

The one time I do tend to conclude that I really don't like my kids is when I take them on very nice holidays (posted about it a couple of months ago). They become brats, ungrateful, arrogant and unkind and I then really wonder why I waste my money on them. After three attempts in the past three years, I think I've learnt my lesson and won't take them this year, instead we'll do something cheaper and more local and I'll go on holiday on my own!