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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Dd's bf told my dh to 'Fuck Off' but will not apologise!

47 replies

chickensaresafehere · 15/11/2017 17:37

Backstory - dd (17) has been going out with bf for nearly a year now,we have got on well with him,he stays over,I feed him,have taken him to a hospital appointment.He lives with his Dad (Mum lives away,he sees her occasionally)Dad works long hours but bf has support from elderly Nan & G'dad.He's always been polite & respectful to both dd & us.
Saturday night dd & her bf go to a friends house party & say they will be late home (which is fine).Early in the morning dh & I wake to doors slamming,very loud shouting & arguments,this goes on for a while so I storm downstairs & tell them they need to be quiet & that I am not happy with them at all! Bf says 'I'll go home then' & I say that is a good idea.I go back to bed & noise continues outside the house,on the street (no doubt waking neighbours).Dh by this time loses it & shouts out of the bedroom window for dd to come in the house at once,bf shouts 'I'm going' ,dh says 'good,do one !' to which bf replies 'Fuck off'.They leave together to bf's house.
I phone dd to check she is safe & ok & he has a right old rant at me saying I shouldn't have shouted at him like that.I said he need to have some respect,he won't admit he needs to apologise & thinks he is right.
Dd is now miserable as I have said he is not welcome back in our home until he apologises,.He doesn't seem to want to do that,she just says talk nicely to him & he will do.
Am I wrong in thinking that this isn't going to happen & he isn't sorry for his outburst & what do I do next?
I don't want to be manipulated by the pair of them.

OP posts:
ITCouldBeWorse · 15/11/2017 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/11/2017 17:44

I have said he is not welcome back in our home until he apologises

Too right!

Make it utterly clear to your DD that his behaviour was completely unacceptable but he is welcome back if offers a sincere apology.

Justgivemesomepeace · 15/11/2017 17:44

They were totally disrespectful coming home late making a row waking you up, and then going in the street and carrying on disturbing your neighbours. Damn right I'd want an apology off the both of them.

Love51 · 15/11/2017 17:45

You don't do anything. It wasn't your daughters fault her dad and boyfriend were rude to each other. Well, maybe you do one thing. Maybe you have a chat with DH and get him to agree that if the bf apologises he accepts it with good grace. When bf apologises he can come and visit your home. Easy. Yet annoying because you are not in control. Bf is.

Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 15/11/2017 17:47

Dd has apologised but he has yet to Hmm

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 15/11/2017 17:49

Nah you are right he needs to apologise he is to familiar with you and not in a good. I wouldn't have him in my house either.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 17:49

You are right to insist on manners and respect - from both of them.
He has been welcomed and treated like family - part of that means accepting the rightfully deserved bollocking for behaving like a brat.

mustbemad17 · 15/11/2017 17:50

I'd say stick to your guns. I don't agree that BF is in control because until he mans up he has lost the support of you guys. Sounds like you did a fair bit of running around for him aside from him staying at yours; bet your DD gets fed up of him not being allowed round & makes a fuss with him.

If he does apologise i'd be laying down some new ground rules for being in your house! There's no way on earth me or any of my BFs at that age would disrespect my folks!!

VivaLeBeaver · 15/11/2017 17:50

To be honest I think you're worrying about the wrong thing.

I'd be more worried if my 17yo dd was seeing a boy who indulges in shouty arguments and slamming doors.....though I accept it may have been both of them. But my red flag is him saying to you/ranting at you that you shouldn't have shouted at him like that. Who on earth does he think he is to say that to you?

Don't know, guess you know him better and if he's been polite for the last year maybe it's unusual behaviour for him. But in 20 years of marriage I've never had a door slamming argument with dh.

ThoseFlapsInsideYourCheeks · 15/11/2017 17:52

How is your husband shouting “do one” back at him proving any kind of point that they shouldn’t be shouting and making a scene?
He’s just stopped to their level by doing that Confused

NavyGold · 15/11/2017 17:53

her dad and boyfriend were rude to each other.
At what point was her dad rude???

OP, stick to your guns. If it were me, the yelling and screaming and slamming doors in my house would be enough to warrant not being welcome back in my house until there's an apology let alone being told to "fuck off". I'm sorry but your daughters attitude of "be nice to him and he'll say sorry" is not only problematic but something if be keeping a very close eye on as far as their relationship is concerned. That's not healthy at all.

Pru24 · 15/11/2017 18:01

I think its a though situation to be in, this making things hard for u as parents & for ur dd. Like you said, uv welcome him into ur home & sounds like uv accept him as a sil. From my point of view, they are young & had a row, things are always said when in an arguement that arent ment & are just heat of the moment. You wouldnt ban ur child from entering the house unless they apologised (im assuming) surely ud let her in & talk it over, maybe he needs the same approach? I think for ur daughters sake, its worth trying to find a quick solution to this or you risk ur daughter siding with him & distancing herself from u. Id invite him round for dinner, act as u normal would & then explain why u were hurt by his actions. This a perfect environment for him to apologise & it shows u want to just move on from it.

Pru24 · 15/11/2017 18:04

You are then able to keep that eye on ur daughter & keep ur relationship with her, especially if it does end up being a toxic relationship. Hope it blows over quick for you!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 15/11/2017 18:11

Thing is though Pru, you kind of have to let your own kids back in the house, even when they have been a pita, but OP has no obligation to someone else's stroppy teen. He is there as a guest and I thibk he needs reminding. I agree with pp that he has become too familiar.

deckoff · 15/11/2017 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 15/11/2017 18:24

To be honest, if I told someone in the middle of an argument to do one, I’d expect to be told to fuck off in response. So for me your husband was rude in the first place, and the boyfriend responded in kind. They were both out of line. They were both angry and both spoke in the heat of the moment.

You’re now blackmailing him into an apology, he can’t came back unless he does apologise, using your powerposition over him , instead of handling it like adults, your husband and him should talk, and apologise to each other.

So yes, he should apologise, but that’s only part of it really isn’t it.

GreenRut · 15/11/2017 18:42

I know this wasn't the question (and in answer to that - you are dead right, he should not be allowed back in) but the thing that really stood out for me here is that after the argument, and him being told to leave, more arguing, cross words with your dh, your dd followed him home. This screams to me unhealthy dynamic and i say that as someone who followed an ex boyfriend home too many times. I would keep a close eye and try to make sure dd's self esteem is in the right place in this relationship.

Wolfiefan · 15/11/2017 18:45

Yes it worries me too.
Plus the fact DD is saying you have to talk to him nicely and then he will apologise. It all sounds very unhealthy.

tribpot · 15/11/2017 18:49

Plus the fact DD is saying you have to talk to him nicely and then he will apologise. It all sounds very unhealthy.
Totally agree. It sounds like your dd is learning to be an appeaser. The long argument, the fact she followed him home - none of it is good. He needs to learn some respect and she needs to build up her self-respect.

Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 15/11/2017 18:52

I agree that we need to keep an eye on their relationship,whilst on the surface it appears to be ok,this incident has made me wonder whether it is. He is coming across ( to me) as rather manipulative,but I haven't noticed this before.
Dh should have chosen his words better,but we had been woken up & were concerned that they would wake dd2 (who has a disability & if woken will not go back to sleep),but I don't feel that warranted the 'Fuck off' ,he could just have walked off.

OP posts:
Original poster
chickensaresafehere · 15/11/2017 18:59

She also said she instigated the argument & it was her fault which rang alarm bells for me too,she can be fiery & volatile but I've seen a different side to him & one that I don't particularly like Sad

OP posts:
WhoWants2Know · 15/11/2017 19:07

To be honest, I’d have banned him from the house and grounded her at the first shout or slammed door. (I’d probably remove the door as well, until I could be assured that my house was treated with respect.)

That shit does not go on in my home, whatever the age, whatever time of day.

I accept that that’s harsh, but I wouldn’t be prepared to accept my daughter abusing someone else or being abused.

GreenRut · 15/11/2017 19:08

Fwiw I think a dad telling his daughter's boyfriend that's being rude to her to 'do one' is seriously tame!

mustbemad17 · 15/11/2017 19:14

Green i think it's tame too! My dad would have gone ballistic when I was 17 if that happened. Sod it, i'm 29 now...he'd still go ballistic if I rocked up kicking & screaming with a bloke. 'Do one' is nothing!

GreenRut · 15/11/2017 19:26

mustbe my own mother would ** eat a man alive if he was being rude to me and I'm 40 Grin