Dd's bf told my dh to 'Fuck Off' but will not apologise!

[chickensaresafehere]

Backstory - dd (17) has been going out with bf for nearly a year now,we have got on well with him,he stays over,I feed him,have taken him to a hospital appointment.He lives with his Dad (Mum lives away,he sees her occasionally)Dad works long hours but bf has support from elderly Nan & G'dad.He's always been polite & respectful to both dd & us.
Saturday night dd & her bf go to a friends house party & say they will be late home (which is fine).Early in the morning dh & I wake to doors slamming,very loud shouting & arguments,this goes on for a while so I storm downstairs & tell them they need to be quiet & that I am not happy with them at all! Bf says 'I'll go home then' & I say that is a good idea.I go back to bed & noise continues outside the house,on the street (no doubt waking neighbours).Dh by this time loses it & shouts out of the bedroom window for dd to come in the house at once,bf shouts 'I'm going' ,dh says 'good,do one !' to which bf replies 'Fuck off'.They leave together to bf's house.
I phone dd to check she is safe & ok & he has a right old rant at me saying I shouldn't have shouted at him like that.I said he need to have some respect,he won't admit he needs to apologise & thinks he is right.
Dd is now miserable as I have said he is not welcome back in our home until he apologises,.He doesn't seem to want to do that,she just says talk nicely to him & he will do.
Am I wrong in thinking that this isn't going to happen & he isn't sorry for his outburst & what do I do next?
I don't want to be manipulated by the pair of them.

I will always remember my ex telling me he wasn't scared of my dad (dad has been military 36 years, he is very formiddable when he wants to be). He was scared of my 5ft 4" stick of a mother 😂 Have to admit, still haven't decided which I'd like to piss off less if I were a bloke 🤔

Of course he shouldn't be allowed back until he apologises! I would expect much grovelling before I'd even consider it. DH has nothing to apologise for.

I do not think your husband was out of order. I agree with other posters I would be very worried about the dynamic between your DD and her BF. Stick to your guns.

I think even without the swearing I'd not be keen on this boy. He should be apologising for waking you all up with the loud row that was totally unacceptable. I'd also be very concerned about the relationship, so my primary worry would be that my dd was so interested in appeasing her boyfriend. If you ban him from visiting again the risk is that she may feel she has to go to his house instead. For now I think I'd let things blow over, hopefully with a bit of time he will realise that he behaved very badly and want to apologise.

Have you apologised for shouting?

Boyfriend sound like an utter twat. Stand firm and show your DD that his behaviour is unacceptable

Why should I apologise for shouting??
I talked to them both sternly at first & he said he was off home. The noise continued,that's when I shouted which I think is perfectly reasonable,in the circumstances.

End of the day he was in your house & he disturbed not only you but probably have the neighbours too. Personally I wouldn't be having him back regardless of any apology

Iwannaseehowitends- yes granted! I just dont see how this is all down to the boy. They are 17 & the boy cant argue with himself. The daughter has said she started it but for some reason this can not be true, the op also said the boy has up until now been polite. People make mistakes, they shouldnt be tarnished forever because of them. I also dont understand how the kids shouting, then the parents shouting make the situation better, rather than resolve the issue, they wer told to stop & so they went else where. But only one person is accountable? The end result was that their daughter went with him, what will happen wen hes still not welcome, who will she go too..him.

Why did your DH say "Good, do one!" That was rude too -- and it came before the FO.

I know you were provoked, but your DH didn't model perfect behaviour, either. Wtf, you're worrying about waking the neighbours & your DH adds to the noise by shouting out the window several times?

You had a good relationship with this lad. You might have one again if you don't act like he's the only one who could have done better that night.

Yanbu.
I think I'd be more worried about his refusal to apologise as much as anything else.. it does not paint him in a favourable light

Amaried thats my thoughts exactly!

You’ll need his apology but sounds like the ‘do one’ comment was uncalled for

Eldest Dd told me she 'hates me and cannot be in the same room as me anymore' today - not sure how to deal with it as 3 year old dd saw this and was hysterical. Exhausted with the moods and not sure what to do - she is 14 xx

Oh dear OP, sounds tense.

He sounds like he needs a bit of guidance - if you want him to behave like an adult and apologise, perhaps your DH initiating a reasonable conversation might model that better than an ultimatum, after all, an apology received under duress is no apology at all really.

Your DH wasn't out of line saying "do one"; this boy is a guest in your house, was being disrespectful by shouting and waking people up, and then carried that on outside.

That warrants a do one, at the very least.

Seriously the op was wrong for telling a lad to do one when he work the whole house up ?

The OP's DD woke the whole family up, too. We haven't heard about her being told to "Do One".

Bigger picture, you've probably just driven them closer together.

I wouldn't get in the middle of anyone's arguments

What happened today when everyone had calmed down.

He wouldn't be welcome in my house after that behaviour either. Stick to your guns OP.

Ask daughter if this is really her idea of a fun relationship. Sounds exhausting.

I think Dad was extremely reasonable under the circumstances in fact here is how it would have gone down if it was me.

BF,. "fuck off"

Me,. "I'm sorry but what did you say?..... Did I hear you right?
We invite you into our home treat you like a member of the family, let you sleep here, feed you, run you about, take you to appointments and then you tell me to fuck off?
NO.....YOU FUCK OFF!!!!"