Don't know how to handle 18 year old DD

[Teeniesandtweenies]

Hi I need some advise my DD is on her 1st year at Uni. Her teenage years were pretty stressful for us as a family, we had lots of shouting, screaming and just being really disrespectul and rude.
Her behaviour outside of the house has always been great, but as soon as she's within the home she changes completely

She's always been a late sleeper as in she sometimes didn't get to bed until 12 to 1am but then always had trouble waking up and inevitably would always be late for school or social occasions, and no amount of cajoling, begging and ultimately shouting would make her change.
She is addicted to her phone like most other teenagers and we have on occasion taken the device away, but this is always after screaming matches.
She seems to be in bad mood a lot of the time and I put this down to tiredness. And I have tried talking to her about this but I just get shouted at and told to shut up. I just find this really disrespectful, I grew up never talking to my parents in that manner and this is what I have told her. Her language is awful but she just does not want to change.
We have tried sanctions ie taking stuff away, grounding but none of it seems to bother her.
Anyway to get to the reason why I am asking for help is that the last few weekends she has come home for the weekend. Her uni is a couple of hours away and she always mages to get cheap tickets. But when she does come home all she does is sleep. She stays up till 6 or 7am and then sleeps till 4 or 5pm.
We don't get to spend any time with her and the time we do spend is always fraught as she's always so moody and shouts you down if you say something she doesn't like.
She has just left to go back to uni and I basically said to her I do not want her to come back home till the Xmas break because I really can not take her moodiness.
Did I do the right thing, as I now feel very guilty saying that.
I feel she needs to know that she cannot carry on being that way, but why do I feel so bad

a few questions..
Do you think she could be depressed?
why is she coming home so much?
Has she settled in at Uni? made friends etc?

I thought of depression but shes having a great time at uni, shes made lots of friends and she seems really settled.
She's always had problems with friends especially girls. But that's normal I think, but she tells me that she's found a lovely set of friends and she's happy for now.
She comes home because a lot of her uni friends go home too at the weekend.

Is it normal to stay up so late at night at Uni. I never went to uni so I have nothing to compare it to.
I just don't know what to do about the rudeness and moodiness, I would have thought she would have come out of it by now, she has been like this since the age of 13.
It's really putting a strain on the rest of the family. Her db and df are just so Fed up with it that they don't bother to communicate with her.

She needs to get a grip, she is 18 not 8

Of course it's not normal to stay up all night and sleep all day. University courses have lectures and seminars. They aren't held at night!
Who's bankrolling uni? Time to get a weekend job?

I would suggest that your relationship isn't great. You seem to want to control her behaviour all the time rather than actually just allowing her to live her life. She is at uni, it is a time when you are finding your way away from home. In first year most people I know went out 4-5 nights a week and then went to the odd lecture during the week. Most courses had only about 20 hours a week where you had to actively be in uni and the rest was home study.

I would suggest instead of trying to treat her like a child treat her like an adult. By all means you can tell her how to speak to you (respectfully) but I'm not sure you would tell any other adult when they could and couldn't sleep.

Wolfe fan she says she has lectures 2 days a week and nothing for the other days. This is when she goes out clubbing with her friends.
As long as she gets her work done at uni, being out late doesn't bother me.
My problem is with her attitude when she is home.
I don't want her to think it is ok to be so rude to us every time she gets home. Which is why I suggested she doesn't come home until Xmas break.
We are helping her through uni but we are only topping up what she gets.
I have also suggested she needs to get a job if she wants any extras.

Smarshiefan, what she dies at Uni is up to her and as long as she is studying and is mindful about alcohol and drugs I have pretty much let her be the adult.
But when she is at home I don't think waking up at 5pm in the afternoon is on. I allow her to sleep I till 2pm and then she needs to get up and I don't think I'm being unreasonable.

She goes to two lectures a week? Clubs all night and sleeps all day? She won't be fulfilling the reading and wider requirements of the course. She will fail.

Honestly, I think you need to back off. She's 18, so it's up to her if she wants to sleep all day (and I do understand how annoying that is, I have an 18 year old). In my experience, with teens the more you push, the more they back away. As long as she's doing her uni work and says she's happy and has made friends, I'd just leave her to it.

I agree with you. I don't think Smarshiefan is being reasonable. I wouldn't expect any adult whether they were my daughter or not, to come along, sleep all day, be moody and rude to me and stay upa ll night. If she wants to sleep that is one thing, but if she comes to stay it's only reasonable that she is courteous and respects your home

Wolfiefan she has lextures for 2 wholedays a week which equates to 20 hours. She says that she goes to her lectures. But yhe rest of the week she is free.
What she does at uni is not my issue. As I said as long as she is studying and getting her grades then the social life is fine and I think it pretty normal to be up all night at Uni.
But I can't allow that at home. I allow her to sleep in till 2pm but then after that she needs to be. I have said when she has her own place she can do as she likes.
I think the moodiness and the disrespect stems from lack of sleep.

Violet that is what my dh is suggesting I do at home, but it's hard for me to get my head round from her being a teenager with attitude to an adult with attitude

She won't be getting her grades if Al she does is go to lectures. She really won't.
She can't expect you to part fund her clubbing and then come home and be rude to you all the time.

That is what I have told her. She needs to put in extra work and I'm sure she'll find out the hard way. But I just get shouted down and told that I don't k i.e. what I'm talking about.
I have slashed her entertainment fund in half, as I told her if she carries on talking to me the way she does that I do not have to fund her.

Teenies I do understand, it is horrible when they're rude and mouthing off at you. I find though it's just easier to completely ignore them when they're like this, just don't waste
your breathe. The more you try and reason with them, the worse they get.

May I ask what degree she's studying?

From my experience the more you treat her as an equal with her own way of dealing with things the more likely she is to confide in you/ want to be involved with the family when she's home.
Let her sleep if she wants.

She's studying Business Management and Economics

I think that is what I need to do Smarshiefan. I think it's a period of adjustment for all of us.
Who knew parent teenage girls was going to be so hard. I have a 16 year old ds and he is the total opposite. Although I am waiting for him to change.

I was a lot like that at uni. I had my issues - depression, bereavement and other things - and I threw myself into the social side of uni. I still came away with a 2:1.
Rudeness isn’t acceptable but being nocturnal was definitely a thing among my peers - maybe because we did arts degrees, with little contact time, so we could keep our own hours.

If she behaves disrespectfully then it's because she doesn't respect you. Probably not much you can do about that now. If it is any comfort it's not uncommon. I was a bit like that. Late sleeper, I literally cannot fall asleep before midnight, I just lie there feeling stressed (always have been, I've tried resetting my circadian rhythm s but I always revert to late sleeping-my parents were rubbish at getting me to bed at a reasonable hour when I was little, maybe that's why? Or maybe it's just genetic). I was also very moody (yes, because I don't get enough sleep). And I was very disrespectful towards my mother (never to my father, he is a good man and I have much to be grateful for and to admire in him) but I lost all respect for my mother at a young age. When she treated me with respect I would do the same but the second she overstepped the bounds of how two adults who are not particularly close would act (so basically when she tried to act like my mother) I would bite her head off just to get her to stop and leave me alone. Maybe if you stop telling her what to do things won't be so tense?

I need to get my relationship back on track with her. When we are on our own, if we've gone out shopping or for lunch or even watching a movie, things are great between us. But as soon as she gets tired she becomes moody and grumpy and that's completely normal I get it.
I do realise I need to back off and just let her grow up.
It's me she comes to whenever she needs something and it's me she confides in.
I feel I have lost my way with her and I need to get the closeness back

She's allowed to be grumpy when tired. Just not at you! Could you talk to her when she isn't tired and grumpy and agree a strategy? If she feels grumpy and tired she will take herself off to her room and you'll leave her alone. And if you spot the signs can you agree a signal that a time out would be a good idea?
Part of being an adult is learning how to manage your emotions.

You'll never improve your relationship with her if you keep trying to control her and treat her like a small child.
Sit down and have a discussion - agree (not dictate) some ground rules for when she is at home. I don't understand why you are telling her when she can and can't sleep but being rude is unacceptable.
It is her life. If she doesn't put the work in, her uni life won't last that long.
You can't make her work harder.