Don't know how to handle 18 year old DD

[Teeniesandtweenies]

Hi I need some advise my DD is on her 1st year at Uni. Her teenage years were pretty stressful for us as a family, we had lots of shouting, screaming and just being really disrespectul and rude.
Her behaviour outside of the house has always been great, but as soon as she's within the home she changes completely

She's always been a late sleeper as in she sometimes didn't get to bed until 12 to 1am but then always had trouble waking up and inevitably would always be late for school or social occasions, and no amount of cajoling, begging and ultimately shouting would make her change.
She is addicted to her phone like most other teenagers and we have on occasion taken the device away, but this is always after screaming matches.
She seems to be in bad mood a lot of the time and I put this down to tiredness. And I have tried talking to her about this but I just get shouted at and told to shut up. I just find this really disrespectful, I grew up never talking to my parents in that manner and this is what I have told her. Her language is awful but she just does not want to change.
We have tried sanctions ie taking stuff away, grounding but none of it seems to bother her.
Anyway to get to the reason why I am asking for help is that the last few weekends she has come home for the weekend. Her uni is a couple of hours away and she always mages to get cheap tickets. But when she does come home all she does is sleep. She stays up till 6 or 7am and then sleeps till 4 or 5pm.
We don't get to spend any time with her and the time we do spend is always fraught as she's always so moody and shouts you down if you say something she doesn't like.
She has just left to go back to uni and I basically said to her I do not want her to come back home till the Xmas break because I really can not take her moodiness.
Did I do the right thing, as I now feel very guilty saying that.
I feel she needs to know that she cannot carry on being that way, but why do I feel so bad

This may sound daft but when you answer her do you try to fix stuff. Example.

D- i hate my clothes.
You- you have lovely clothes you look lovely.
D- no I don’t I look shit.
You - no that top is great your wearing , I wish I had clothes like yours at your age.
D- shut up , you don’t know what you’re talking about. I look shit.
You- don’t talk to me like that.

And boom it goes into screaming match.

Instead just agree.

D- I hate my clothes
You - I know how you feel. Sometimes I feel ugly in everything I put on.

Instead of trying to fix it just agree and walk off. What this does is normalise her feelings and acknowledge her feelings are justified. She doesn’t want you to fix it as her brain is trying to be independent.

Do this approach with everything. I’m tired - yes it’s hard to get a good nights sleep. I’m not in the mood for chicken dinner - I sometimes have a taste for something else. It’s boring at home- I can imagine as your used being independent.

Only agree. Say nothing else or do anything. Just say it and turn away carrying on with what you were doing. Don’t stand and wait for a response. If she comes back at you just agree again.

I tried it and shocked myself how well it works. Hope it helps.

And here’s what happens when you probably try to talk to her about the day.
You- what are your plans
D- don no or shrugs
You- we’ll let me know because we are waiting on you.
D- what’s you waiting on me got to do with your plans
You- because until we know what you’re doing or getting up we can’t do anything
D- we’ll that’s your problem

And boom into another argument

Instead
You- we are going to pop into grans at 5 and then go and have pizza after. You’re welcome to join us if you’ve nothing planned
D- says nothing.

Half hour before leaving text her or say to her. We’re off in half an hour. Feel free to join us but fine if nothing planned.

She may join you or not. Don’t get into are you coming or not argument. At the time shout up five minute till we go to both son and daughter. Then go.

Make plans tell her and let her come or not as she wishes. Don’t get into if you went to bed earlier etc talks. That’s telling her what to do.

A psychologist friend gave me these tips. If used they work and life becomes so much calmer. It did for me.

Half hour

Why is there half hour typed on the bottom. Weird phone.

"She comes home because a lot of her uni friends go home too at the weekend."

One of DD's friends is at Lincoln University and comes home a lot. I thought it was because he was homesick, but it isn't. He says that most students go home at weekends. This was never a thing when I was that age. When you went to university in September you didn't come home until the Christmas holidays.

I think Dancinggoat is spot on!

What is she doing when she’s staying up so late at home? Is she out with friends or online chatting and being social? If she is I wouldn’t say it’s that unusual. I remember dragging myself in to an exam after half an hours sleep and getting myself home at 4.30am that night it’s not good but it’s fairly normal behaviour.

Also, could she be unwell in some way? I regularly used to sleep till 2pm in the afternoon and everyone used to think I was lazy etc but a year later I was diagnosed with under active thyroid. Maybe she needs a blood test?

It doesn’t excuse her rudeness however. Although I do feel she’s kicking back at you for feeling you’re trying to control her (which at 18 you really can’t do).

I wonder if she has a delayed sleep phase disorder. Common in teenage years. My sister has really suffered with it, and your situation sounds familiar.