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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

DD caught shoplifting

48 replies

Clovertoast · 12/10/2017 15:07

School just called me at work.
The store contacted them. They arent pressing charges but she is excluded from school for 2 days as she was in uniform and its tarnished the schools name. If any other incident she will be expelled.
Im gutted, tearful and don't know the way forward.

She's been nicking bits from me and her siblings for a few months now and also taking food, lots of food !
She's already had privlidges including her mobile removed from her because of that ! What do i do now ??
I'm so upset. I feel like i'm losing her.

OP posts:

Ginorchoc · 12/10/2017 15:11

Was anyone else involved/was she on her own?

Original poster

Clovertoast · 12/10/2017 15:13

there were two of them

OP posts:

Original poster

Clovertoast · 12/10/2017 15:14

I don't want to give too much detail sorry

OP posts:

BlackPepperCrab · 12/10/2017 15:14

How old is your DD? You mentioned teenaged but there’s a massive chasm between 11 and 19.

FAkenameforthis · 12/10/2017 15:14

How is she in herself? I did that as a teenager because I was really unhappy and wanted attention

BlackPepperCrab · 12/10/2017 15:16

In general, the incidents of teenagers I know who shoplifted did it as a dare or did it to impress others. Could this be it?

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/10/2017 15:21

Be thankful they aren't pressing charges or getting a caution.

However, you are already aware that she is "lightfingered" and that issue needs to be addressed pronto.

If you are not sure how to deal with this ask the school if they have a counselling service that may be able to help you.

misscph1973 · 12/10/2017 15:22

You are not losing her. I think the vast majority of teens try stealing at some point, but not all get caught.

I can totally understand you, I also have a teenager pushing the boundaries. But this is where you step into character as a parent and show her that this is unacceptable. Calmly (this is very important, do not lose your sh*t and start shouting) tell here that she is very lucky that the shop are not pressing charges. You tell you agree with the school. You remover more privileges and you tell her how she can earn them back.

To a certain extent, unconsciously she is crying out for attention this way. Well, she got it. She needs you to tell her what is right and wrong. She may come across as mature and she probably believes that she is an adult. She's not. She still needs you. That's obvious, as she is making rubbish choices. Now you teach her how to make good ones.

Original poster

Clovertoast · 12/10/2017 15:31

She's 13.
Thanks misscph1973

OP posts:

cowgirlsareforever · 12/10/2017 15:35

This is more common than you think. Clare Balding got shoplifting when she was a teenager!

GameOldBirdz · 12/10/2017 15:48

I was always shoplifting as a teenager. This was late 1990s/early 2000s so there was CCTV around. I look back now and get all hot and bothered; I have no idea how I got away with it.

I don't hugely have any advice but I suspect it's very common. I did it all the time as did most of my friends. Our parents had no idea and even if they did, I doubt they'd broadcast it (hence, adults don't know how common it is).

Is she interesting in school or good at school? Might a suspension shit her up a bit?
TBH the only thing I was truly, truly terrified of in terms of getting caught was my mum. She wouldn't hit me or anything but I knew the lines she'd trot out about it and her "disappointed in you" act were enough to strike the fear of God into me.

misscph1973 · 12/10/2017 16:01

I also shoplifted, but only a few times, probably around the same age. I didn't get caught, and my parents still don't know (I'm 44). I also am quite embarrassed about it now.

Aridane · 12/10/2017 16:07

This happened with a friend's DD. At her request, they came round and gave DD a talking to. Police said teenage shoplifting was quite common and tended to go one of two ways - either a phase the teenager grows out of, or they get a criminal conviction and it tends to be downhill from then...

SipsiCat · 12/10/2017 17:27

It's not uncommon for teens to do this, 2 of my friends used to lift make up from Boots and sell it cheap on the playground. They stopped after getting caught and are both successful, law abiding adults. I'd be disappointed if one of my dcs did this, but would hope that they would learn from it.

Patchouli666 · 12/10/2017 17:56

My did was caught shoplifting last year at just 14. She was taken to the police station and between them and the shop she stole from, she got a community resolution order. She was banned from the shop nationwide for a year and had to write a letter of apology to the shop.
It really , really shook her up. My dd was in a group but stupidly she was the only one who had taken anything, the rest absolutely hadn't and she also felt bad about letting her friends down and making them scared.
Hopefully it will do the same to your dd. You aren't losing her, don't worry, I have a 20 year old too who is lovely now. It's a crap age though and you'll need to invest in the hair Dye!

tocas · 12/10/2017 17:58

She needs an utter bollocking.

HadloxB · 12/10/2017 18:02

This is so so so common.

I don’t think it’s a cry for attention, usually a case of wanting something and realising they can take it without paying!

Once they get away with it once and the world doesn’t come crashing down around them they carry on until they get caught or grow out of it.

Keep the phone removed and make her come straight home from school for two weeks

BlackPepperCrab · 12/10/2017 18:16

This is so so so common

Really? I think it depends on which circles you run with then.** My mates and I didn’t even dare steal from this hipster booth that ran on a trust system (there isn’t any staff there - you just take a cup of coffee from the machine and put however much you think that coffee is worth into the jar) let alone shoplift!

loveisasecondhandemotion · 12/10/2017 18:22

This happened with one of my friends when we were around the same age op. My quietest friend, we had gone to the city centre after school and she had taken a kiwi lip balm from The Body Shop.
They called her dad who went berserk, they were extremely strict anyway so she got the telling off of her life.

I saw her a few years back and she asked me if I still remembered, she said it put her off a life of crime for sure. I'm pretty sure it's just a horrible blip and your dd learns from it.
My ds is 14 and he said some of his friends from school have done this, it seems quite common. Doesn't make it any easier on you I know but I really do believe it's not going to be the start of a long criminal career for your dd.

cowgirlsareforever · 12/10/2017 18:29

Shoplifting a kiwi lip balm is so evocative of the 1980s!

Schtinkay · 12/10/2017 18:44

Not trying to minimise it OP but I used to shop lift at 13-14. Small things, earrings etc.

It was a silly phase and I haven't turned into a criminal at all! I just didn't get the severity of my actions then.

BlueButTrue · 12/10/2017 20:19

I shoplifted all the way from age 12 to 17. Not sure how I got away with it.

Was very frequent indeed by the ages of 16/17 and not sure how I didn't get caught Isn't there suppose to be really good CCTV nowadays?

I'd have a chat with her. Could she perhaps have Kleptomania?

CruzRamirez · 13/10/2017 08:35

I was a teenage shoplifter too. Very upstanding these days. My parents were devastated when I was caught, they thought I didn't love them. It had absolutely nothing to do with whether I loved them it was just the pull of having stuff I couldn't otherwise afford.

TheGonnagle · 13/10/2017 08:38

I did the same when I was 16. My parents were getting divorced and I used to steal CD's of stuff my mum liked (she was the one leaving, work out the psychology of that!). I got caught, the police took me home, banned from HMV, grounded for 16th birthday.
Totally out of character and looking back was a massive cry for help from a very wobbly teen.Is your daughter OK?

LaughingElliot · 13/10/2017 09:41

It must feel terrific but put it in perspective, she’s hardly an axe murderer.

Yes it’s wrong and without a doubt she knows it. Getting caught may actually be the shock she needs to stop stealing.

I agree that it’s incredibly common for teens to shoplift and many of them go on to become law abiding grown ups.

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