DD2 - a minor disagreement and a huge storming out.

[LostWithThisOne]

Apologies if this is long, I've NC.

Last weekend DH and I were on holiday, we'd left DD2 18, 19 next month, at home with her boyfriend of 3 years, he's pretty much one of the family.

The short version of this is that a small disagreement has got completely out of hand.

DD1, 23 has left home, finished university, has a job and lives nearby but independently.
I mention this only to illustrate that I have been through the teen years before so I know what to do in most teenager situations.

I have paid for DD2 to have a phone contract for years and had agreed to keep paying for the next two years.
We both knew that DD2 was due for a phone upgrade soon.

DH is their Step Dad but everyone gets on very well.

We have taken DD2 on a family holiday this year and I took her on holiday on my own, so I don't think she is troubled that DH and I went away without her this time.
This is the third year in a row that DH and I have been on holiday together without DD2 but she gets a good share of holidays with us, our wider family and me on my own.

DD2 was due a phone upgrade, there's nothing wrong with her phone, she just wants an iPhone 7.
Last week while we were on holiday DD2 asked me when her phone upgrade was due, I checked and sent a text back to say that it was the next day so we could go into the shop when I got back to get her new phone.
All seemed fine.

The next day DD2 sent me an angry text to ask if I'd called the phone company to order an upgrade, I said I hadn't that the phone signal on holiday was patchy and repeated that we would sort it in a few days when I was home.
I stayed calm throughout.

DD2 exploded and we got home from holiday to find that she has gone to stay with her boyfriend indefinitely.
In itself it's not unusual for her bf to stay here or DD2 to stay with him for weeks at a time.
DD2 ceased all contact because she said I had been unreasonable about the phone.

I left it for a while then today I sent her a text to say that she could talk to me when she felt ready.
She said she would come round this evening but she wanted to come round when I was in the supermarket, I told her as soon as I was home that she could come round but by then she'd changed her mind and didnt want to talk.

From the few texts she has sent she says I don't give her enough attention.
She is nearly 19, has a large group of good friends, goes to College, is planning to go to Uni next year and when she's home we sit and chat or watch TV together, eat together and go out on the rare occasions that she isn't busy and she wants to go somewhere with me.
As I said, I take her on holiday every year, just the two of us.
If she wants to spend time with me I am always available.
We've been on Uni open days together, with more to come.

The few texts she has sent me today say that I'm neglecting her.

Her Dad left us when she was 5 and hasn't wanted to see her since she was 11.

Something about the fact that I didn't immediately order a mobile phone for her last week has obviously brought up lots of feelings for her.
She has always been possessive of me, probably because she doesn't have a Dad but the one time I didn't jump as soon as she wanted something she is using this to say that I don't care.

I feel like she's blackmailing me, we need to talk about it but she just wants to be angry instead.
I don't mind if she stays with her boyfriend but I want to be on good terms.

She is refusing all attempts at reconciliation unless I meet her right now, as soon as she decides to and if I can't make it then she decides it isn't happening. She wants to control the situation and she wants to control me.

Mobile phone aside she needs money for a school trip which has to be due in this week so she's going to have to approach me soon.

I'm tearing my hair out.
I want to give her space and I would like to talk things through as we usually do but I don't want her to dictate my movements to me.
I'm leaving her alone again now, I've tried but I don't know what to do next, if anything.

Am I doing the right thing? My friends say I'm being too soft but being angry isn't going to help.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know there are bigger things going on than just a mobile phone but unless she is prepared to talk about them it cannot be resolved.

Any ideas?

Rise - I was very tempted to do just that. A red mist appeared but I'm glad I stayed calm and walked away. Anything else would have just confirmed her 'fucking psychopath' comment in her eyes. No phone is far more effective.

True! Well I hope she has a boring day, I mean what's a teenager to do when they have no phone?!

I hope she doesn't give you a hard time tonight re the phone, she will probably try to blame you for that

No wonder this country is filled with fucking snowflakes- well said. Parents get shot down for parenting.

Destroying another persons possessions to teach your own child a lesson is not parenting.

And before you ask what I'd do, if I had the straighteners in my hand for long enough to go and get wire-cutters to cut the plug off, I would have instead gone and put them somewhere she couldn't get them, then taken them round to the friend's house myself.

Wow flapjack I would be fucking furious with you if I was the parent of the other girl! Even if they did get replaced that is out of order.

I'm with flapjack on this one. She had a clear choice. Either accept the smirking teenager's position that she had no control or demonstrate that she did have control in her own home. I know which one I'd pick. And I wouldn't be angst-ridden about a replacable set of hair straighteners either.

OP, I'd have to restrain myself from cancelling the phone contract. An upgrade would be utterly off the table.

Your dd is totally up her own arse about herself. No need for you to have to be tip-toeing around her. No one else in her life will. I think your text was fine. I would let her make the first move and I would expect an apology.

I have a 19 year old myself.

I think Flapjack on balance probably did the right thing to teach her dd a lesson. Sometimes only a shock move will do, and it was over a pretty serious matter. I heard of someone whose house did burn down due to hair straighteners left on the bed.

OP you obviously have a lot of insight into what is going on and yes, it probably isn't about the phone. But she's 19 and she's WAY out of order. I think you need to give it some time for her to think through her feelings and come to you. Don't go after her, give her the time she needs to think it all over.

And I wouldn't be angst-ridden about a replacable set of hair straighteners either.

It wouldn't be up to you to decide how important someone else's possessions are, though, is it?

I would take the warm but firm route with her. She obviously needs to talk about an unresolved issue. I doubt very much this is about a phone. The contact drama was just the trigger.

I would meet an her terms but make it completely clear how she has made you feel and where the line is now that she is an adult and you are going to be on more equal terms. It is always tricky when you get to the stage when you want to be treated like an adult but you still have teenage hormones and behaviour patterns. You need to help her learn a valuable lesson here about the right way to communicate her worries.

A lot of adults would be better off if their parents had helped them work out that throwing a strop isn't the best way to deal with things!

It wouldn't be up to you to decide how important someone else's possessions are, though, is it?

If my daughter was insisting on plugging them in in my house even though I had asked and then insisted that she didn't, and she smirked at me and told me she could do what she wanted, the relative importance of a set of straighteners would rank well below my control of my own home and refusal to be bullied/bossed about by my child. And the damage to the straighteners would be my daughter's problem - not mine - it was she who put them in the line of fire.

I mightn't have done what Flap did. Probably would have been more likely to unplug them and throw them out the front door than snip the plug off but I think she was fine in what she did.

In my experience (3 older teens) most of the angst of the average teen comes from them wishing to have more control of their own lives. So in general, anything you can do to increase their sense of control is good. But that control can slip into them wanting to control you too - that isn't good, in the short term (living with the teen) or in the long term (how they will be as an adult) so nipping any attempt to boss the parent around in the bud is fine by me.

By 19, this teen should be over all this control stuff. I think OP is dealing with her pretty well.

And the damage to the straighteners would be my daughter's problem - not mine - it was she who put them in the line of fire.

You could tell yourself that. But if the friend reported you to the police for criminal damage, they'd laugh in your face.

After they stop laughing at you first I suspect.

After they stop laughing at you first I suspect.

Wtf does that mean? I'm not even in this scenario!

You could tell yourself that. But if the friend reported you to the police for criminal damage, they'd laugh in your face.

I live in a place where police come if you call them and take minor stuff fairly seriously. Even so I'd love to see the expression on my local cop's face (and hear his response) if a teenager complained me for cutting the plug off a pair of straighteners in these circumstances.

Apologies for not responding sooner, this fell off of my I'm on list so I didn't see all of the responses.

This is what happened:
I stuck to my guns and didn't upgrade her phone for her, my conditions were clear; that if she wanted and upgrade from me I wanted a conversation and an apology.
She does have a weekend job so she upgraded the phone herself, in her own name.
To do this she started up a new contract of her own but she realised she needed my permission as account holder in order to port the number to her new account.
This forced her hand so she had to have a conversation with me.

The ensuing conversation meant that I got my apology and she returned home about 10 days after the original storm out.

I don't think either of my DDs, or my 2 step DCs for that matter, are spoiled.
DD2 is still at College, she gets all food and board at our house paid for. Transport to and from College, educational college trips and until now her mobile phone.
She has a part time job and her father pays maintenance through the CSA yes, still through the CSA we haven't converted to CMS yet.
I do think I am still responsible for paying for school trips.

Since she has been mostly staying back at home I have had a discussion with DD about what she should pay for vs what I will pay for. We have come to a consensus.
Also in this conversation we discussed my expectations of her and hers of me now that she is firmly an adult.

As for what else was going on; her birthday was coming up and she was upset because she's realised that she's at the not-child-not-adult point and is finding it difficult to navigate it. She's also understandably still upset at having a father who wants nothing to do with her and her birthday is a reminder of that.
We've talked it all through and will keep talking.

I have made very clear that storming out is entirely unacceptable.
To the PP who said we don't have boundaries, I can assure you that we absolutely do and we adhere to them.

Glad it’s all moving forward positively OP. Looks to me like you have a solid grounding for a lifetime of being close friends as well as family.

That sounds a lot better OP.

I am entertained now by the idea of my local police's reaction if they were called to say that someone's friend's mum had cut the plug off their hair straighteners. I don't think they'd be rushing round to press charges.

I think you’re right to think that it is about much bigger issues - and that the “tough love” advice here while it may well be appropriate if it was just simply about the phone - is probably coming from a place which doesn’t necessarily understand the issues that your daughter will have because of her background.

Your father not wanting to see you from when you’re eleven - OOUUCCHH. That is likely to create all sorts of really significant long term abandonment and attachment issues - that just get triggered by things like phones, leaving her for a holiday etc.

I do agree you of course need to have boundaries etc - and being a victim/martyr isnt going to help anyone (not that it sounds like you’re doing that by the way).

So I think open and respectful talking - and just ask her what she’s really worried about? And if she doesn’t want to talk then maybe just hanging out.

I think she gets the iPhone upgrade because you said that you would and its the precedent - but I’d be saying no more upgrades from now...

Good luck. Sounds like you’re doing such a good job at trying to be aware of what’s going on with her.

I'm glad it turned out ok op
Flapjack I'm with you and any upset on friends part is down to the daughter, she should never have asked to borrow the straighteners. Hopefully her friend was cheesed off with her for being put in that position.

Thanks all.

I agree that she still feels her abandonment keenly, I have done my absolute best to provide a stable, caring home for her with firm boundaries, whilst understanding her background.
I wouldn't have married DH if he didn't feel the same way.
DD and DH adore each other.

If anything, the overriding fallout from her Father's behaviour has been that she has a crushing lack of confidence, despite being very intelligent and brilliant in her chosen field of study. One example of this is her insistence on doing a foundation year at Uni, even though she has the UCAS points and educational background to start the degree from year 1.

Ermm she has chosen to pay for her own phone contract, we have spoken about this at length and, if anything I think that paying for it herself is her one financial responsibility and she wants to do it as it will make her feel more adult.

FWIW, I wouldn't cut the plug off of anyone else's hair straighteners, or vandalise their property.
Resorting to violent acts means you've already lost the argument, as well as setting a bad example to children/young adults.

Sounds like a job well done! Good parenting