Apologies if this is long, I've NC.
Last weekend DH and I were on holiday, we'd left DD2 18, 19 next month, at home with her boyfriend of 3 years, he's pretty much one of the family.
The short version of this is that a small disagreement has got completely out of hand.
DD1, 23 has left home, finished university, has a job and lives nearby but independently.
I mention this only to illustrate that I have been through the teen years before so I know what to do in most teenager situations.
I have paid for DD2 to have a phone contract for years and had agreed to keep paying for the next two years.
We both knew that DD2 was due for a phone upgrade soon.
DH is their Step Dad but everyone gets on very well.
We have taken DD2 on a family holiday this year and I took her on holiday on my own, so I don't think she is troubled that DH and I went away without her this time.
This is the third year in a row that DH and I have been on holiday together without DD2 but she gets a good share of holidays with us, our wider family and me on my own.
DD2 was due a phone upgrade, there's nothing wrong with her phone, she just wants an iPhone 7.
Last week while we were on holiday DD2 asked me when her phone upgrade was due, I checked and sent a text back to say that it was the next day so we could go into the shop when I got back to get her new phone.
All seemed fine.
The next day DD2 sent me an angry text to ask if I'd called the phone company to order an upgrade, I said I hadn't that the phone signal on holiday was patchy and repeated that we would sort it in a few days when I was home.
I stayed calm throughout.
DD2 exploded and we got home from holiday to find that she has gone to stay with her boyfriend indefinitely.
In itself it's not unusual for her bf to stay here or DD2 to stay with him for weeks at a time.
DD2 ceased all contact because she said I had been unreasonable about the phone.
I left it for a while then today I sent her a text to say that she could talk to me when she felt ready.
She said she would come round this evening but she wanted to come round when I was in the supermarket, I told her as soon as I was home that she could come round but by then she'd changed her mind and didnt want to talk.
From the few texts she has sent she says I don't give her enough attention.
She is nearly 19, has a large group of good friends, goes to College, is planning to go to Uni next year and when she's home we sit and chat or watch TV together, eat together and go out on the rare occasions that she isn't busy and she wants to go somewhere with me.
As I said, I take her on holiday every year, just the two of us.
If she wants to spend time with me I am always available.
We've been on Uni open days together, with more to come.
The few texts she has sent me today say that I'm neglecting her.
Her Dad left us when she was 5 and hasn't wanted to see her since she was 11.
Something about the fact that I didn't immediately order a mobile phone for her last week has obviously brought up lots of feelings for her.
She has always been possessive of me, probably because she doesn't have a Dad but the one time I didn't jump as soon as she wanted something she is using this to say that I don't care.
I feel like she's blackmailing me, we need to talk about it but she just wants to be angry instead.
I don't mind if she stays with her boyfriend but I want to be on good terms.
She is refusing all attempts at reconciliation unless I meet her right now, as soon as she decides to and if I can't make it then she decides it isn't happening. She wants to control the situation and she wants to control me.
Mobile phone aside she needs money for a school trip which has to be due in this week so she's going to have to approach me soon.
I'm tearing my hair out.
I want to give her space and I would like to talk things through as we usually do but I don't want her to dictate my movements to me.
I'm leaving her alone again now, I've tried but I don't know what to do next, if anything.
Am I doing the right thing? My friends say I'm being too soft but being angry isn't going to help.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? I know there are bigger things going on than just a mobile phone but unless she is prepared to talk about them it cannot be resolved.
Any ideas?