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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DD missed the bus...again - did I do the right thing?

55 replies

JufusMum · 12/09/2017 11:29

Ok, so DD15 is not a morning person, pretty bad at getting up. I do her lunch, her breakfast etc. She is responsible for getting up, dressing, packing her school bag and getting to the bus.

She has missed the school bus a number of times and I have always driven her to school (2.5 miles, rural). Today I decided that no, I would not make myself late for work again and she could stew in her own juice.

I went off to work just as the public bus (which would get her to school, albeit 15 mins late) pulled into our village. I called her to tell her to get on it but I got a mouthful of abuse, and she told me that I don't care and she was walking to school across the fields where "I will probably get attacked" and then she hung up on me.

This was at 8.45am and school rang em at 10.35am to say she had just arrived.

Of course, I now feel like the worst parent on earth - did I do the wrong thing?

OP posts:
Judashascomeintosomemoney · 12/09/2017 12:10

I'm assuming she walked across the fields, and took 2hrs to do so, instead of getting the very much more convenient public bus, to 'punish' you and make sure that next time she can't be bothered to catch the school bus you drive her to school. Make sure you don't.

Solo · 12/09/2017 12:18

My Ds was/is like this. Isn't there a recognised thing that teens body clocks are completely off kilter? It is a nightmare though and caused so much ill feeling between Ds and myself and I often had to rush him to school.

I think you did the right thing OP; my Ds would've just slept through so would never have worked for us.

Mumsnut · 12/09/2017 12:19

My dh is at his wits' end trying to find employable young people. Many of them have this attitude: in on time the first couple of days, then late, then later still, and after a week or two simply don't turn up.

JonSnowsWife · 12/09/2017 12:20

The walking is to punish you OP. In a 'see I wouldn't have had to walk and be THIS late if you hadn't come and picked me up' sort of punishment.

If she makes comment on it again tonight. I'd reply with "well, you'll make sure you're up in time for the bus tomorrow morning then wont you?".

That's it. No discussion.

Cruciatus · 12/09/2017 12:24

I went to a talk on raising teenagers once and this was an example they used. The child not taking responsibility for being ready in the morning. The advice was (yowser, you too!) To tell the teen that they could have a lift (or get the bus) which would be leaving at say, 7:30. Then leave at 7:30. If they are not there then that is their loss. Make them take responsibility for their journey. They wouldn't be late for a flight leaving for a weeks sun holiday would they?!
I thought it good advice and has worked for my first child to reach that stage. The second is a work in progress.

GWeatherwax · 12/09/2017 12:26

You did the right thing. I was terrible for this as a teen, but I knew that if I missed the bus I'd have to get on the next public one. My parents had to work and didn't have time for a 40 minute round trip because I couldn't manage my time !

BeatriceBeaudelaire · 12/09/2017 12:28

I always missed the bus - made an arrangement with another that passed through but wasn't meant to stop - made my cousins ask the driver to stop and hopped on. Mum no the wiser.

MadamePomfrey · 12/09/2017 12:29

You were right she's trying to make you feel bad by a) choosing not to take the bus and b) walking at a snails pace to get to school 15 is old enough to start knowing what time you need to be up to be ready stick to your guns!

karalime · 12/09/2017 12:30

My mum didn't have a car so there were never any lifts for me if I was late or forgot something, I and millions of other kids managed and still do. I grew up in London and most other kids were the same.

steppemum · 12/09/2017 12:33

Of course she left later she was expecting mum to come back for her after she had her little joke ,then she would have been fumming and walked at snails pace cursing her mother for leaving her out in the wilderness to fend for herself and it is her fault she got to school so late.

Grin Grin

yowser - think you should leave without him one day. So he misses a day of school. So put in a consequence to that, eg do it on a day when he has something he doesn't want to miss. Phone school and say that is why he isn't in, so he gets back to a detention.

Or, be late for something he is doing.

ds is notorious for being late, until we are on the way to his football match and then he suddenly wants us to leave on time. Once we were 10 minutes late for football training. I quietly said something about being on time and how annoying it is when someone else makes you late.
he wasn't late for a few weeks afterwards.

steppemum · 12/09/2017 12:33

make him take and pay for a taxi Shock

GeorgeTheHamster · 12/09/2017 12:37

You did the right thing.

Mine know that if they miss the expensive, paid on direct debit school bus then they will have to go by tram and train which will make them late. And that they will have to pay. They are often on the last minute but they haven't missed the bus yet, and one has now left school and the other is in sixth form.

MadamePomfrey · 12/09/2017 12:37

I think the snails pace was to scare you personally! She rants about being attacked then takes double the time to get somewhere! All the while you worried and stressed about where she is is she ok! You won't want to go through that again so next time she gets her lift!

Tiredofsingleparenting · 12/09/2017 12:43

I've been doing with my 15 year old son, snap!

But I did explain it first, one of the reasons it may have been traumatic today is that your DD was not expecting it and was a bit frightened and taken aback.

Why don't you sit down with her and say, look maybe I could have given you fair warning that I was not going to just pick you up and drive you. And then say that you do want her to learn from her own mistakes, not because you are punishing her, but because you believe that she can do this, she can manage her time, that she is old enough and mature enough. Play to her sense of adulthood!

I've done this with my son and I have felt terrible but it's day 6 now and the first time he's been on time! All the other days he was very late and really down about it. I usually just got cross but I've turned into encouraging Mum - come on you can do this! We're on our second alarm clock too! Which he forgot to turn on of course.

But he's so pleased today that he can do it.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 12/09/2017 12:45

You definitely did the right thing.

I tried this with my then 15 year old last year but the difference was she didn't bother going into school at all!! Angry.

BertrandRussell · 12/09/2017 12:48

I never, ever, respond to shouting or abuse from teens. They want something from me? They ask nicely.(and vice versa). I need to leave at a certain time? Then that's when I leave - unless a reasonable and apologetic person asks me politely to wait a few minutes because they are running late.They are polite to me and I am polite to them. Them's the rules!

brasty · 12/09/2017 12:56

I too think this is fair enough. Natural consequences works well. You are not punishing them, simply leaving them to face up to the consequences of their actions. And now you have done it OP, I would stick to it. And I say that as someone who was a stroppy teen and have complained loudly about this, and made a big fuss about how I could have been raped and kidnapped. But anything like this is simply designed to make you back down. So please please ignore it.

Floralnomad · 12/09/2017 12:57

I'm afraid I disagree , for all you knew she could just have easily just stayed at home all day , and then might decide that that is a great idea and at the end of the day it will be you that gets the flack from the school . Unfortunately lovely as it is to think they are young adults and need to take responsibility for themselves as the parent you are ultimately responsible . Presumably you do give her money / buy her stuff so I'd just say to her that everyday you need to drive her she will lose x amount of £s to cover the petrol and inconvenience i.e. hit her where it hurts , being late for school doesn't hurt her.

JonSnowsWife · 12/09/2017 13:12

Floral driving her will make the OP late.

All the Yr7s get to school by their own steam here. At 15 she is more than capable.

steppemum · 12/09/2017 13:14

Flora - so, if she decided to stay at home all day, then mum comes home and says Oh dear never mind?

If she decided to stay at home (which is possible) then mum comes home and discovers that is what she has done, then shit hits the fan.
In our house the consequence would be simple. Removal of x box and phone and (because she missed 6 hours school) 6 hours of homework set and marked by me to make up day missed, and proof that she has copied/photocopied work missed at school.

You can be sure she will not do it again.
Or, phone school, tell them that is what she did and school will impose sanctions.

One reason I bet she didn't is that schools often chase kids who don't appear and they haven't had anything from parents.
She knows she will get into trouble.

There are times when we need to let them fall. That is how they learn. Obviously if it became a regular thing, or she tried this on often, then you start again with a different approach.

HarrietVane99 · 12/09/2017 13:16

I'd just say to her that everyday you need to drive her she will lose x amount of £s to cover the petrol and inconvenience i.e. hit her where it hurts , being late for school doesn't hurt her.

But op says she's late for work if she drives her dd to school. Docking pocket money doesn't cover that - unless dd is going to pay her for the amount of time she has to work through her lunch break or stay late to make up the time. And that doesn't address the impact on op if she becomes known for poor time keeping.

Presumably school has sanctions for lateness - detention to make up the time, or whatever, that will hurt the dd.

MadMags · 12/09/2017 13:20

You did the right thing.

Personally, I would tell her that the next time she's that late, she's grounded. Because there's no need for it.

Floralnomad · 12/09/2017 13:31

My point being that if her dd decides not to bother to go to school it will be the OP dealing with the EWO , and potentially paying fines if things get worse .

specialsubject · 12/09/2017 13:35

Toddler behavior and abuse - toddler consequences. Remove toys and privileges until she sucks up responsibility for her mistakes.

steppemum · 12/09/2017 13:45

Flora - big jump from late one day and lesson learnt, to EWO involved.