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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

13 year old daughter

27 replies

Jpw090 · 28/08/2017 08:38

My 13 year old daughter spends her life in her bedroom and never wants to do anything. Is this normal?

OP posts:
EddChinasVagina · 28/08/2017 08:40

Did you go straight from 12 to adult? Of course it's normal.

CosmicPineapple · 28/08/2017 08:54

It depends on what she is doing in her room.
My dsis was always in her room as a teenager. She loved reading, knitting and was happy in her own company. I was always out and hated staying in.

NeonFlower · 28/08/2017 09:18

Yes, but pull her out occasionally and make sure to spend some time with her. She will enjoy it really. And enforce boundaries on what she is doing.

FrenchRoast · 28/08/2017 09:54

It's normal but are you making it more appealing for her to stay in her room - does she have internet access, tv, computer, video games in there? We keep all that stuff in communal areas and food is not allowed in bedrooms either.

Ktown · 28/08/2017 09:57

Take her out and organise trips out, to the supermarket, museums and gallieries, for meandering walks.
Don't allow her to become sendentary - she will become unwell and most likely blame you for not stepping in.
Switch off the wireless for a good portion of the day.

acapellagirl · 28/08/2017 12:13

Totally normal give her space to be her own person

acapellagirl · 28/08/2017 12:13

In time she'll make good decisions if she's trusted to figure things out for herself

MrsDoylesTeabags · 28/08/2017 12:17

Completely normal, in a few years time she'll never be in the house and you'll worry about that too.
Have you ever noticed that your hair starts to go grey when your children become teenagers? It's not a coincidence

Wheelycote · 28/08/2017 12:18

Mealtimes eat as family even if it's just once or twice a week. It'll bring her into the family rather than her sateliting on the outside in her bedroom.

And ditto trips. She'll moan but she is a teenager and mine are still morning, huffing and puffing at 15 and 17. Secretly though she'll love it.

I brought mine out into the daylight to a maze made out of maize....they moaned and whinged but they've gone back in for a second go

MsJolly · 28/08/2017 15:32

Mine is the opposite and I can't escape her Wink I realise I am lucky but do sometimes find hearing every minutiae of her day a little trying!

Mrshothnogg · 30/08/2017 20:55

Yes totally normal. Our 13 year old is exactly the same. Surfaces for food during the day, occasionally comes down to play with her 4 year old sister and joins us now for family meals at the dining room table.. just recently started mashing the potatoes because she moaned that her dads mash wash rubbish 🙂 Xx

chips4teaplease · 30/08/2017 20:56

Switch off the wireless for a good portion of the day.

I'm so old, I thought you meant the radio. My gran listened to the wireless.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 30/08/2017 20:59

Yup, my 13 year old comes downstairs for food or a moan Grin. She knits, writes, watches tv, messages her mates. Last night she put up fairy lights Confused At weekends she does sometimes Grace us with her presence to watch tv/ a movie/ play a board game

But at 13 my room was my sanctuary! I asked for a mini fridge and a kettle for my Christmas , so I didn't have to come out ever! I still had a good relationship with my parents.

Ledkr · 30/08/2017 21:05

Yes normal. My 15 year old often emerges now to tell me about "you tubers" or the latest row raging on social media and who said wgatcto who about so and so.
She then shouts at me that innit interested!
Well yeah, that's totally right love Grin

forcryinoutloud · 04/09/2017 22:02

Ledkr, you have my DD in your house? That's called kidnapping LOL.

I get mine out for meal time and chores eg put washing out,wash up,whatver it is as long as they COME OUT OF THEIR ROOM Grin

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 04/09/2017 22:17

Does she exercise at all? I'm sure you are tongue in cheek -she must go out sometimes. Can you send her shopping or get her to help you with something? I'm all for them chilling and having space but I think they do need to balance that with joining in with what others are doing too.

Davros · 05/09/2017 00:50

My 14 year old DD likes cooking so often insists on taking over for a whole meal. She can't do that from her room Grin

Manny70 · 09/09/2017 07:36

My 13 year old daughter has OCD this has just recently got worse , it could be puberty but now it's making her cry as she said it doing her head in but she had to do it to keep us safe, she thinks if she doesn't go through her nightly ritual of touching switches, taps,checking plugs and making sure there's nothing on the floor we will get hurt,I've tried to reassure her that nothing will happen, this only happens at bedtime, I could really use some advice, I am a bit reluctant to take her to the doctors as I feel that she will feel it is a big deal and worry about her rituals even more. I have even tried going through it with her but then she starts all over again as she feels she hasn't done it right. 😯

waterrat · 09/09/2017 11:09

Manny. Ocd is treatable through therapy you should look for help for her.

Ohyesiam · 09/09/2017 11:35

No. my thirteen year old will hole herself away with an iPad, but I rootle her out after a while to lend a hand/ chat/ have family time/ go for a walk/watch gbbo etc
She had a sunny disposition, but still finds the lure of tech huge. If she were a grumpy type it would be much worse. Not looking forward to when my 10 year old is a teen.

JustDanceAddict · 09/09/2017 13:02

Yup! My 15 yr old though & it has been. Like this for a couple of years. She does eat with us, but usually goes back up. Also sees friends occasionally, not interested in partying or boys yet. She's does a lot of art and likes cooking so sometimes appears in the kitchen!!
My 13 yr old is the opposite - prob cos his PS4 is in the lounge, but he also skateboards and sees friends a lot more (he has more!).
I was speaking to a colleague who said her older DD is still like that at 19. Some just are, although I once I found my group I was barely at home as a teen (15 onwards). Could be a case of not being that interested in seeing friends? I'm sure it's part of it for my DD tbh - if she found friends she really clicked with she'd be more interested in going out.

Trying2bgd · 09/09/2017 23:03

My DD1 is like this and I agree with what justdancing says too. She is heavily into music, art and creativity so always has projects she is busy with. She does see the odd friend, does a sport and seems happy. I suspect adulthood and along with it the freedom to meet and do more from a wider circle will prove the making of her. I use to worry like you about it, she isn't social enough and doesn't have enough friends but I think my own response was what made her upset rather than the actual situation. Now I try (but still worry just a lot less) to focus on things we do as a family and letting her get on with it. I hope that helps.
Manny - can you find her a counsellor? OCD is not easy to deal with. I have it mildly and it comes and goes. It is best to get professional help at this stage to break the cycle.

SealSong · 09/09/2017 23:14

Manny - I'm a young people's mental health practitioner, working in CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services).
Please get help for your daughter, she is distressed and her life is being affected by her anxiety. You're unlikely to be able to manage this on your own, and it's unlikely to go away of its own accord.
Please go to your GP and ask for a referral for your DD to CAMHS. The best treatment for OCD is CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), which your local CAMHS should be able to offer (may be a waiting list - all the more reason to get the ball rolling now).

Sorry for the hijack OP!

christmaswreaths · 10/09/2017 10:35

Mine definitely would if I let her. This summer we were very brave and with her agreement took away all screens - it was a proper detox!!

I saw her play like a child, laugh, be a lot more involved with her siblings and did loads of sport. Back to normal now, but it has almost reset her. I am hoping to do this every summer!

Theimpossiblegirl · 10/09/2017 10:54

It is normal but can also be isolating and unhealthy. Agree with the others who say make her come out for meals, outings, etc. Monitor her online behaviour too, she may be perfectly fine and happy, she may not.