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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

14 yrs old and alcohol

30 replies

SaltySeaDog72 · 23/07/2017 09:03

So dd1 went to a party at a friend's house. I always make contact with the parent. Mum was in the house and said she was going out but that the dad was going to stay in the house. I didn't ask re alcohol because frankly I wouldn't expect there to be any - how naive of me Smile

Two of dd's friends ended up vomiting due to alcohol. dd1 had a bit and was not drunk. Not even tipsy.

I feel annoyed that alcohol was permitted at a party age 14.

Am I right to feel this or am I being naive?

OP posts:
moutonfou · 23/07/2017 09:08

I think you're right to be annoyed. Even if letting them try a little of something (say, one alcopop each), I'd expect them to check the other parents were happy. But letting them have so much that people vomit? I wouldn't even expect that if they were 18? People thinking binge drinking is normal at any age mystifies me.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 23/07/2017 09:11

Seems to be more and more common ime and by 16 it's almost expected for your child to drink alcohol and come back pissed,I don't like it at all.

NoCureForLove · 23/07/2017 09:12

It's absolutely not OK. The middle teenage years are hard in that you come up against other parents' (lack of) boundaries and lax parenting in a way that can feel shocking and potentially dangerous- drinking, drugs, curfews, sex etc etc.

NoCureForLove · 23/07/2017 09:14

Never assume other parents share your values. What you can do is talk and talk with your own dc. Good luck!

kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2017 00:33

I think you were a bit naive to assume no alcohol, but it's shockingly lax of the parents at best - terrible parenting if they actively allowed it. I'd be livid

kel1234 · 24/07/2017 00:39

I think you were wrong to assume there would be none.
But then again I had my first drink at 8, and at 14 I was drinking spirits and mixers, at home in front of my parents.
My parents had the thing they would rather I drunk in front of them instead of behind their backs, so they know I had proper stuff, not cheap rubbish, and that I was safe. I would be the same with my children. I'd let my teens drink at home, for the exact same reasons.

becauseisaid · 24/07/2017 00:50

I really wouldn't be to naive thinking about what they get up to, when I was 14 me and a lot of other friends would most definitely be drinking and spewing up on a weekend. None of our parents actually knew.

There would always be one mum though who'd ruin the fun and would want to ring and check with parents if they were staying at their house so we'd get busted lying sometimes, I'm older now but looking back it was funSmile

I'd speak to her and let her be open as can with you it would make it easier for you, else they will always find ways of getting round it

becauseisaid · 24/07/2017 00:51

Agree with Kel, I think girls are worse than boys. They are probably meeting lads too.

NoCureForLove · 24/07/2017 00:51

Bloody Hell. She's 14. A child.

Isadora2007 · 24/07/2017 00:57

Par for the course here, sorry. And likely the parent wasn't pouring vodka down the spewers necks- they were probably pissed when they arrived or brought their own pre mixed drink.
Your 14 year old was fine despite having some booze- don't spoil that by overreacting. Praise her for having her limits and encourage her to be able to continue to make good choices.
I'm surprised she even went to the party after you called ahead to the parents!

Pallisers · 24/07/2017 01:00

I'm older now but looking back it was funsmile

It was fun at age 14 to spend your weekends drinking and vomiting (spewing up). Honestly I think that is weird and pretty limited.

This thread is another instance of MN and my life dividing sharply. I wouldn't ask about drink for 14 year olds at a party because there isn't a parent I know who wouldn't look at me like I was a lunatic if I did so. It wouldn't occur to anyone I know - wide range of incomes/middle class/working class/1 percent class etc to expect there to be alcohol at a party for 14 year olds. People would be outraged if this happened - like call the police outraged.

kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2017 09:31

Me too - in the very few instances in my social circle where it's happened, it seems to be where the parents are big drinkers and can't conceive of a social occasion without getting pissed. And I really don't buy the argument that 'if we didn't supply a 'safe' drinking environment they'd be necking meths in a field' either. Some adults just have a booze culture and like to assume that anyone past the age of 13 can't wait to join in - thus putting pressure on mid-teens to start drinking early 😦

Girty999 · 24/07/2017 11:31

I'd not let my children have drinks at a party under age. I'd let them have a sip of my drink if they asked but wouldn't give them a whole drink, when I was 14 I was down the stables mooning over Matt Goss but not off to parties drinking, 14 years ago is the equivalent to a 7 year old today, it's scary x

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 24/07/2017 18:03

Interesting to hear a divergence of views that it is either par for the course or I was wrong not to suspect or outrageous to even consider alcohol consumption age 14.

Seems there is no 'benchmark' - it 'just depends' which is why I find it so hard to figure out what to expect them to be up to!

I know I know, the answer is talk, talk, talk to your child. I do. It's just trying to strike a balance between expecting them all to be indulging in deviant activities sounding like I expect the worse in them/and waiting to see what crops up naturally in their peer group.

Obviously we had a chat about alcohol and expectations and I was calm and said I was pleased for and with her for choosing not to drink. Am not bothering with the parents, I don't know them well and I'm sure the kids managed to just bring their own booze.

So so hard getting it right!

OP posts:
Angelicinnocent · 24/07/2017 19:53

My DD group of friends had one bad experience with this age 14 and I was lucky enough that my DD chose to say she was ill and leave.

As a result of what happened that night we have an agreement between the parents of the whole group that alcohol is limited to 2 drinks each, provided by the individual parents. Anybody bringing more than that has it confiscated and returned to their parents directly.

It works pretty well in that everyone knows what their child is drinking, you can choose what you want to allow (or 2 alcopops, 2 cans of cider etc) and no one ends up sick.

Original poster
SaltySeaDog72 · 24/07/2017 20:20

That sounds really good, Angel . dd1's friendship group is big though with various different factions. I always insist on dd1 giving me phone number and having a conversation with the parent of whichever house she is going to (if it's a party or a sleepover). But I just don't know all the parents. So I guess I just keep talk, talk, talking to dd1.

OP posts:
kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2017 22:32

Still don't see at all why a 14 has to have two alcoholic drinks of an evening. What happened to parents just saying no, it's not appropriate?

kitnkaboodle · 24/07/2017 22:32

14 year old

NoCureForLove · 24/07/2017 22:46

Why would you let your 14 year old drink alcohol? What would your reasoning be? Would your view be the same for sex? Drugs?

Pallisers · 24/07/2017 22:47

Angel, I presume you are talking about an older age than 14 for the 2 drinks. Any mother who proposed a 2 drink limit as a solution to 14 year olds drinking would be regarded as barking mad where I live.

Therealslimshady1 · 26/07/2017 09:00

Be pleased your dd was sensible

You can't shield them from everything, and the key to parenting imo is to try and equip DC to make sensible choices in the face of peer pressure/expectations. This is what your dd did.

Fiona1984 · 26/07/2017 09:09

I remember my younger sister being invited to a sleepover party when she was 13/14. The girl's mother contacted all the parents to ask if it was OK for the girls to have one or two alcopops each under supervision.
I thought at the time that it was a good idea. Older children (depending on the individual's maturity) should be allowed to experience a small amount of alcohol in a controlled way.
DSS is 9, and he is allowed Bucks Fizz on Christmas Day and has the occasional glass of watered down wine.

jessicajaine01 · 26/07/2017 11:12

It's not right but at the age of 14 me and friends were out on the streets drinking most weekends pretending to stay at each others houses. Not proud of it at all but looking back we were so vulnerable, definitely have a chat with her about it x

Pallisers · 26/07/2017 14:04

I remember my younger sister being invited to a sleepover party when she was 13/14. The girl's mother contacted all the parents to ask if it was OK for the girls to have one or two alcopops each under supervision.

And what happened if a parent said no to a 13 year old having alcohol in someone else's house? The rest of the girls were served and the one who didn't get permission sat there looking on. Frankly I'd be likely to find a reason for my child not to go on the sleepover if it was being supervised by a parent who thought 13 or 14 year olds should have 2 alcopops as a treat.

Angelicinnocent · 26/07/2017 18:43

Sorry I should have clarified that my DD is not still 14, the 2 drinks solution is for a group who are 15, nearly 16.

Whilst I would like to think that children of that age wouldn't drink without their parents permission or knowledge, I'm not that naive. I would much rather my DD was honest with me and drank a small amount with my knowledge than drank anything while hiding it from me.

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