Losing will to live with aggressive DS

[Iluvthe80s]

I'm coming on here for a rant as much as anything, because I am at the end of my tether with my 15 year old DS. Some background.

He has always struggled at school-bright but lack of focus and issues with co-ordination (which OT helped with for a year when he was at primary school)

His behavior got worse during Summer last year and when he returned to school in year 10 it spiraled downwards. During the summer we saw hospital about pectus excavatum....which we think it part of the issue, as he was very upset about it.

We got confirmaton of ADHD in November last year when he was 14. Tried meds but did not help and made him feel awful so stopped them.

Behavior continued to worsen at school. At home-have had to call the police 3 times now for aggressive and violent behavior towards us. DD 10 years old is scared of him and suffering from anxiety as a result of his behavior (she is being supported at her primary school with therapy sessions) . Police excellent and we are on urgent response if we dial 999-which we have been told to if he threatens daughter or with a knife (again).

Admitted to smoking weed since Dec last year. Getting support for that from local charity-don't give him cash any more. he said he doesn;t want to stop as it makes him relax

now been expelled from school for continuous poor and disruptive behavior. Starts alternative provision Monday.

He went out and got pissed with mates last night. we were having a (once in a blue moon) dinner out with my parents and daughter locally. Got a call from a mate who had seen him messing around with his (hoody) mates and someone had called police. Managed to find him, got him home.

Today he has been told he is grounded until a week on Monday for his poor behavior. he went mad and punched my DH his Dad.

He refuses to take responsibility for his actions. Seeing CAMHS week after next and paying for psychology support to help him with anger and managing anxiety, which we feel this all stems from. if he feels anxious he gets angry.

My DH and I are at the end of our tether now. We are both good people who work hard to provide our kids with a loving and stable home. I hate how his behavior is having such a terrible impact on us all, especially on our DD and I hate that in the last 12 months, he's gone from a typically grumpy, but lovely teenage boy, to an obnoxious horror who is willing to hit his mum and call her an F'ing C!

any advice from anyone who has been through this/is going through this is much appreciated. Feel like failure

How awful for you

Sounds like a dreadful situation.

Is there anything your ds enjoys doing?

Any interests you could encourage / support?

I know you must have tried everything (so forgive me if this suggestion is obvious), but if school is difficult for him, I wonder if you might engage him in something else that would occupy his mind and use his time constructively.

You mention anxiety.
My dd has asd/pda (not suggesting this is the case for your son, but might be worth a look) and anxiety is at the root of the violence we have with him.

Have a look for the books The Explosive Child and Lost in School by dr Ross Greene, they're very good for children like this, and teach collaboration skills which can be very helpful when violence is the go-to reaction.

I really feel for you. My son is 12, I dread the teen years ahead!

Keep strong what's the alternative provision like? DD was the extremely aggressive , angry and I was constantly treading on eggshells. Honestly couldn't believe the difference after a few months at new provision after she was excluded, she thrived. Think a lot of it was low confidence which they boosted no end.

Thank you everyone. Really appreciate your supportive comments.

Earlybird happy for any suggestions-as sometimes cannot see wood for the trees. He enjoys food, music and cooking. Currently we are watching Glastonbury together. So yes trying to get him interested in something constructive is key

CloudPerson-just googled PDA-some aspects definitely match DS and we are getting him assessed for ASD as he exhibits some traits. will look up those books. Thank you!

Despairing42 really glad your DD has progressed so well- that is encouraging. Really happy for you and her! The people at AP are lovely and I think it will be better for him than mainstream school, as they are used to supporting children with challenging behaviours-so we will keep our fingers crossed on that one!

Is he a member of any clubs at school?
What clubs exist at school that he might look into further?
Could he join something to spend time around like-minded peers?

What about National Citizen Service?
Duke Of Edinburgh? (I really don't know anything about this, so don't know if your ds would be eligible)?

Does he play an instrument?
Could he be part of an orchestra or band?

Does he sing?
Could he join a choir or a band?

Some boys his age enjoy debate, rowing, swimming, robotics, rock climbing lessons/clubs, sailing, chess, programming, building websites, etc.

Would he want to do any of that?

What resources are around you that he could participate in?

What about going geocaching as a family? It is a defined activity that takes you out doors with a task - sort of like a treasure hunt using a handheld GPS and reading maps. Many people are quite passionate about it.

There are so many things....perhaps simplistic, but IME teens can get grumpy/demanding/difficult when they are under-occupied. Your situation may be more complex, but I think it is good you are trying to help him find how to use his energy in a positive way. It could also give you/dh a positive way of interacting with him.

Best of luck.

Earlybird thank you.

he used to be engaged at school (which he has just been excluded from)-singing, debating, school plays. now it is nigh on impossible to motivate him to do anything. its like he has given up on life and built this hideous aggressive wall around him

we had another horrible weekend with him and its now affecting me very badly-physically sick from the stress of it all this morning. plus our DD is super anxious about him.

We will keep going as we don;t want to give up on him, but at what point does self preservation for our DD, DH and myself kick in? sorry for the moan-feeling very down this morning

It sounds so difficult and upsetting for all of you. I'm sure he doesn't want to be the person he is right now, but maybe just doesn't know how to turn it around.

Maybe something as simple / basic as helping him come up with coping strategies for anxiety could help the situation. Helping him do something different/better/more constructive rather than becoming angry could make all the difference.

But, I'm sure the professional help you're getting should address that.n And it is easy to make suggestions about what might help, but so very difficult to respond in the moment.

I spoke to soon DD has been on top form 😬. Rolled in at 2am when I have to be up at 6, made a million excuses it's never her fault. Then called me every name under the sun when I wouldn't give her money today. Yay....... happy summer holidays!

Is there any possibility he might be taking any sorts of drugs which might be making him aggressive?

Hi all

Earlybird thank you for your words of encouragement

Despairing42 sorry to hear that. DS has been out since school. Cannot get hold of him on phone or text. hes supposed to be grounded. Husband out looking for him but on way home now! at what point do we call the police?

thatdearoctopus cannabis hideous so ashamed of how he's turning out. 2 years ago he was lovely, now I hardly recognise him

I threw up thanks to the stress of it all this morning. Just about had enough

and social services said they cannot help as we've got all the necessary people involved who can offer help and don't feel he is at risk. but how can he be safe, when we don;t know where the hell he is, or who he is with or what he is doing???

Theres a question, DD is always in touch so she's not missing as such just completely non-compliant and selfish 😬. If she's out and there's any form of gathering I could threaten or offer the world she'll come home when the parties over. Then it's obviously not her fault it's (insert anyone's name but hers) fault. It's relentless .... DD has left school now so every evening is a party night! She doesn't want to pick a college course, find a job or anything constructive. She seems to be under the illusion she'll just be rich with no GCSEs, no work ethic and no motivation.

I went through that all agencies (chyps, ss , early help) just said your doing your best to safeguard her, keep going. I did say a number of times - but I'm not she's not safe she's risk taking, she's out of parental control, again response your doing your best stay strong !

Despairing42 he's still not home and no contact beyond selfish but worried sick

I'd call the police if it's much longer, does he do this often ? I have most of dds friends numbers and a few parents, have you got any you can ring round?

Is there another adult who could get through to him? If you're too close and the object of his rage, then maybe someone he admires (and uncle/grandparent/family friend) who's a step removed might be able to help?

Despairing42 I've contacted a few numbers that he called earlier today and texts-as traced from his Vodafone account. they all say they don;t know where he is. he has done this a few times, but I'm worried as he's had some major meltdowns in the last few days and is very easily angered. I've just walked around where we live trying to see if I could find him. Husband now out in the car looking

thatdearoctopus that's worth a try! he had a good relationship with his paternal grandfather. they have also said they could have him stay with them for a bit if we thought it would help

So youre not giving him money but hes smoking weed?
So who is giving him money? If he isnt getting money off anyone who is supplying the weed?
Sorry to ask.

With DD I text saying "if you don't contact me by ( 15 mins later) I'll have no choice but to report you missing I need to know your safe". Usually she suddenly calls claiming her phone was on silent blah blah blah

Bizarrely, I would make any punishments you give him much much smaller. It's not that it's unreasonable to ground him for a week, but he's so far off the rails that a week is too long in his situation. Try one evening instead?

Florriesma he had a weekend job-although it meant he was earning money, we felt it was positive for him to have something to focus on, apart from hanging out with his mates. but that's on hold now for a month, pending us seeing an improvement in his behavior.

he's still not home

Don't know where he buys it. he goes mad if we ask too many questions and as he is violent, we try and limit conflict.......as we have our DD (10) safety to consider too

Whys his job on hold?

Also did new school call to say how it went?