Advice Needed About Boyfriends and Rules

[Peekaboo04]

Our eldest daughter is just turned 18 and has her first proper boyfriend. With her being the first I don't know what is considered "normal" now. When we were her age the things that she things are ok were really not so I don't know whether the rules we have are unreasonable or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I think you need to be fairly relaxed, let him sleep over etc. They're old enough to get married at 18.

Otherwise they'll just be shagging in cars/fields/car parks like the good old days

I have an 18 year old Dd too and I would definitely not be 'relaxed' enough to let a boyfriend stay over! Especially as this is a new relationship.

I would be happy with him going to her room but would expect the door left open, of course they may be in house alone at times but when I am there the door would be open.

I would make him welcome and always try and be friendly without being intrusive. This is all academic at the moment though as DD has never had a boyfriend either! Good Luck. ( and yes obviously they are adults at 18 but I think it is about respecting your home).

I think it is about respecting your home

What is disrespectful to your home about having your boyfriend stay over? [cofused]

Lol. I meant respecting us, I suppose. I don't consider it appropriate for a new boyfriend to spend the night. (Unless in the guest room). I would be encouraging my DD to take things slowly and not rush anything so that includes him staying over. I don't believe in casual sex so I would expect her to respect my believes in my house. Once she is away at Uni I guess him staying over is entirely up to her, . But in my home I expect my believes to be respected. :-)

I was living with my boyfriend at 18. She's an adult, what rules can you realistically enforce other than the usual stuff like being respectful of your house, tidy, etc?

Having to have the door open when you're 18 sounds weird to me.

I don't believe in casual sex

It has been proven to exist you mean. You don't agree with it.

Surely a boyfriend doesn't count as casual sex? That's sex with the same partner, not casual.

I guess I am weird then :-) I respected my parents wishes about boyfriends when I was a teenager and had normal healthy relationships at the same time. There should not be any need to shut the door. I suppose as my DD has reached the age of 18 without getting a boyfriend I would worry a little that things might be rushed. I have not stopped her having a boyfriend it just has not happened.

I think the point is that as long as she respects your wishes in your home and you are comfortable with what she does or doesn't do at home with him then all is well.

My problem is more than she spends pretty much all her spare time at his house. She leaves here on Friday mornings and we don't see her until dinner time on Sunday (family rule - we're all here for Sunday dinner no matter what), he phones to say he wants to see her and she's out the door to see him. She says her friends don't have to ask their parents before they go out or tell them where they're going or what time they'll be back and makes me feel like I'm being really mean for caring about her being safe. She's at college still and has no job so if she wants money she has to ask and I am disabled and unable to work so have to rely on disability benefits. I am just finding it hard to find the balance between letting her have her freedom and her understanding that I don't have an unlimited amount of money to give her whenever she asks when she doesn't do anything to help around the house because she's not here enough to help. Sorry if this isn't making sense, it's been building up for a long time and I needed to vent but don't know how to handle it the best way.

Well obviously it exists. Forgive my poor syntax. Yes I meant I do not agree with it.
The op said it was her first proper boyfriend and I assumed that this meant a new relationship. Of course that might not be the case.

Your dd is an adult and should be treated accordingly. My dd is 18 and her bf stays over regularly,. I'd rather that than her shaggin in his car
Wouldn't dream of telling her to have her door open, she's off to uni in Sept so will be master of her own destiny.

That sounds tough Op. I understand the dilemma of understanding that they are adults and treating them as such but that they are also dependent on you still.

Well if you are comfortable with that then it works for you PortiaCastis. I really just think that it is about respecting your wishes. I don't have a judgement on other peoples rules. I think that it is better to be clear about what you are comfortable with in your home and that you expect it to be respected. My DD does not have bars on her windows or anything, she is a perfectly lovely, normal 18 year old. Who is single and I hope not 'shagging in cars'! :-)

I am fairly strict with my DDs but we are close and have a good open relationship. I don't think that it is impossible to have rules and also have a good relationship with your teenagers.

She's 18 so can come and go as she pleases and owes u no explanation however as it's your house is hope she'd respect not barging in loud at 2am instead coming back earlier that evening or later that morning

I moved to a big city 50 miles from home and lived with my boyfriend at 18. Your DD is an adult and needs to be treated like one.

However, if you are still supporting her financially then she should show you, and your home respect. She's obviously spending all her time with her BF because his parents don't have the same strict rules that you do. If you want her to do some jobs then say to her, before you go out on a Friday please complete X, Y, Z before you leave.

The sleeping arrangements aren't an issue as I know that when she goes to his they sleep together so she may as well be doing it here but she never brings him here, we've only met him once but she spends weekends with him and his family. Being completely honest, yes I am jealous that they get to spend more time with her than I do but for the first 4 years of her life it was just me and her and she has been through some pretty bad stuff and I know I'm finding it hard to "let go" but I'm also trying really hard to not make things hard for her but I need her to also try to understand it from my side and help me to find it easier, if that makes sense. I know she doesn't have to but she's happy to spend time with me to ask for money

We aren't strict with her/ them. The only difference between our house and his is that he doesn't have to do anything to help around the house and can just ask for money and get it when he wants. When they are at his house they spend all day in bed watching films or playing on his xbox playstation and whatever other consoles hes got. he's been to our house once for an hour. We have never had the chance of being strict or whatever with them because they're never here. I completely understand she is an adult now and that's not the issue, it's that it feels as though she has no respect for me and that she just sees this house as somewhere to sleep, eat and get free wifi when she has to be here to go to college. When she doesn't have to go to college she's at his house.

I've noticed a lot of the answers I've had are saying we're not treating her like an adult and we are but I don't know if we're supposed to be just treating us like crap and doing whatever she wants with no regard to anybody elses feelings.

I'm in the same situation with my18 year old DD. Her boyfriend is here most of the time. I don't have any rules as such because they are adults and will be at uni in a few months. I know they are sleeping together so I don't have a problem with him staying over etc. She doesn't have a curfew but I like to know where she is but I track her on Find My Friends. She still has one A level exam left so the only thing I insist on is that she studies for that for at least 3 hours each day, other than that she can do what she likes. With the exception of mild snappiness and a messy bedroom, she's very respectful. I think it's about mutual respect

Peekaboo04 - What is she doing that's causing the issues?

I think she needs to get a job or help out around the home

WeeMcBeastie, the issues are that she treats the house like a hotel and expects us to do things for her or buy things for her but she does nothing to help and puts him and his family before us, even if she knows we've got a family thing planned. She doesn't check whether we've got something happening, and I know some of you will say she shouldn't have to because she's an adult but she's still living in our house and still having us pay for everything so it would just be nice for her to have the respect of checking whether some of the things she's doing are convenient. It's really hard to explain exactly what it's like other than there is always an atmosphere here because if she's here then she's sulking because she wants to be there and we're all feeling like she's only here because she has to be..college or whatever stopping her from being there. She spends all her time in her bedroom talking to him on Skype, she only comes downstairs to talk to us if she has to and at mealtimes, there's no arguing or anything she just makes me feel like I'm not wanted in my own house. He makes plans for them to do things with his family but she never makes plans for them to do things with our family, he's rude to us in comments that he makes but its ok but if we say something that goes against him slightly (like the fact that he spent an hour lying on his bed with his ex-girlfriend playing with her hair) then we're not normal. It actually feels as though we have lost our daughter because since they've been together the caring, helpful, thoughtful person she was has completely disappeared. if I try and talk to her about it you can see the "Oh god she's off again" look on her face even though I'm not having a go at her I'm just trying to find a way for us all to live here happily together, our youngest gets upset because she wants her sister back.

Thank you Sonnet, that is what I think too but because the boyfriend doesn't have to do either of those things she either doesn't think she has to or he's telling her she doesn't have to I'm not sure which.

I did manage to sit her down and have a chat with her last night and I think some of it actually went in, although she didn't look interested but she did come out into the garden to help clear some weeds

It isn't rules about boyfriends you need, just house rules.

Don't make it about the boyfriend or about you wanting her to spend time with you instead of him (to her that will sound needy, clingy and jealous).

Be very objective and unemotional and have an adult conversation about treating the house like a free hotel and you like a magical cash point without limits.

Say that there are two (or however many if you have a partner/ other adult kids) adults in the house and you both need to pull your weight. Say that as she hasn't been helping with chores naturally you have assigned her chores - say bins, hoovering and cooking on Wednesday and Thursday, or whatever you deem appropriate.

Put a stop to random hand outs but be very clear before the crunch of being asked. Give her an allowance you can afford to cover bus fares and lunches and clothes if you can, be clear there will be no extra money on top aside from birthday and Christmas money, and that if she needs more she will need to find a Saturday job.

She may rail about the unfairness - just tell her you love her and that's just how things have to be while she is in education and lives with you rent free.

Her time simply "being" with you has to be freely given unless you want to make her resent you and push her away emotionally, but you can insist she doesn't treat the house like a hotel and you like a cash point.

The novelty of being with her boyfriend absolutely all the time may well wear off after a while even if they remain together long term.

She should have a job. Stop giving her money she is 18 more than capable to care for herself. I'd be ashamed at her age and needing to go to my parents for hand outs all the time.

I wouldn't be giving her money any longer. She 18, perfectly capable of working part time. I did from a about 16/17. I only worked about 10/15 hrs a week, so it gave me enough money to do what I pleased. I didn't pay rent though.
In regards to the boyfriend depends on what your comfortable with. You mentioned she spends time at his house, if you want, you can still set rules for your own house - for me I wouldn't even at the age of 27 have sex at my parents house, although me and dp do share a bed at mums house. So if that means that's an open door policy that's your choice. She's 18, but she is still living under your roof.
Make it clear that yes she has a bf, but it would still be nice to actually see her more than once a week for a few hours for dinner. Maybe set some time aside during the week where you spend time together, even if that's just watching a film etc.
Also make sure she's having safe sex, as embarrassing that may be, it's important she knows about birth control options (available from a GUM or sexual health clinic).

She's 18 so it's probably time to ask her to get a job to contribute to the running of the house. And not give her spending money any more. Plenty of teens work while at college. She could get a weekend job or an evening job.

If she was living in a house share with other young people or if she moved in with her boyfriend she'd have to contribute to bills and cook and clean so it's only fair that she puts something in to your household too. Obviously you wouldn't expect her to do everything but a fair share given her other commitments isn't unreasonable.