Advice Needed About Boyfriends and Rules

[Peekaboo04]

Our eldest daughter is just turned 18 and has her first proper boyfriend. With her being the first I don't know what is considered "normal" now. When we were her age the things that she things are ok were really not so I don't know whether the rules we have are unreasonable or not. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Drinkingtea You have pretty much got what I've been trying to explain. I know in my head what it is but can't think of a way of explaining it in the right way. I know that by me telling her I want her to spend time with us it's going to make her go the other way but I've not been able to find the right words to tell her how I'm feeling in a way that doesn't make me sound like some crazy weirdo woman I am very grateful to you because I now don't feel quite so much like a crazy weirdo woman, just someone that feels like by asking her to help around the house with things I'm not being unfair to her.

I want her to put her education first, all the time we can help her financially, well as much as you can on disability benefit anyway, we're happy to do it but just want some appreciation and respect, that's all we ask. There aren't really house rules or whatever, there is me and my husband and 2 daughters. All I've ever asked is that if someone can see something needs doing then do it My husband is my full time carer and there are times when he needs a bit of extra help from her or her younger sister with things, especially if I'm having a bad day and he needs to spend more time helping me with things. I don't want to be a burden to them and I think that is why I struggle to know how to handle things because I don't want either of them to feel like they can't do things because they have to "look after" me, but I also don't want to feel like I can't ask them if I do need help. As I said to her last night, this is her first boyfriend and it's a learning experience for all of us, she's learning what it's like to have a boyfriend, we're learning how to give her the freedom she deserves and we'll get there if we all work together, we're a team and we can get through it, I just don't want to mess it up and push her away while we're trying to learn.

I also have a dd the same age who has a boyfriend. This is what we do.

I don't expect her to ask permission to do things, but she does let us know what her plans are and when she will be home. DP and I do the same, modelling the behaviour we want to see.

DD has a couple of household chores assigned to her. She would never 'see something needs doing' in the same way I would. She doesn't always remember, but will do chores without complaint when reminded.

Like you, I want her to put her education first and she doesn't have a job. I give her money, but it's not random handouts. She gets a certain amount each month after I get paid.

Sounds like you had a good conversation last night. I think the main thing is to be honest and keep the lines of communication open.

Thank you aginghippy that makes a lot of sense. I think part of the problem from my side is knowing what is normal or expected for someone her age, what doesn't help is that she says that her friends don't have to tell their parents where they're going or when they will be back, they sleep with different boys every night and that apparently is normal...personally I would prefer she's not normal then also it appears that none of her friends have to help around the house at all, but unfortunately for her, having me as a mum who needs help with things due to health problems it's not that I just want her to do things to help I need her to help, as I need my husband and other daughter to help with things. I hate having to ask for help so they're not asked to do many things but I will definitely take your advice because what you've said makes a lot of sense so thank you for that.

The only things we really expect from her are things like we want to know what time she'll be home because firstly, I will worry whether she's safe and secondly because if she wants food I need to know whether she will be here for food or not, not that I'm being nosy or interferring just for practical reasons and for safety really. When parents don't want to know where there child is and when they will be home it feels like they don't care to be honest, especially with all these recent terror attacks I want to know that if there's something on the news that I can sit here and think thank goodness she's not there and not oh no what if she's there. i think she understands that so she is happy to tell us where she will be, even if it's just a quick message saying we're going here.

In that case then I do think you need more rules. My DD has had her own part time job since she turned 16. I pay for her car maintenance etc but she pays for her clothes, holidays and social life. She also checks whether she can use the living room and knows to check what's happening first before she makes plans to go out. I think your daughter needs to start acting more like an adult if she wants to be treated as such!

Do you know what? That is what I've been saying, she can't expect us to treat her like an adult and have the privileges that come with that if she wants to behave like a child and get us to do everything for her. I feel so much better about it now after reading these messages so thank you. I'm just hoping that the atmosphere in the house improves soon as she is really winding her dad up with her behaviour and its me and her sister stuck in the middle of their pathetic arguing.