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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Immature 16 year old

35 replies

Calyrical · 09/06/2017 16:59

Really hoping for useful suggestions ... sorry if it sounds like I am policing the thread but please, no "you sound like you don't like her very much, OP" as I do "like her."

She's my (half) sister, the product between my stepmother who isn't a pleasant person, and dad. Just done her GCSEs; will turn 17 in September.

Lots of behaviour of the sort that I'm trying to train DS2(3) out of now: nose picking, bottom scratching Hmm and so on.

Tells tales on her classmates, to the point where even teachers have become exasperated. Shouts out answers again, to the point where teachers become exasperated.

Tries to make out that she has an exciting life outside of school which is a shame really - she will take her "diary" into school and sit there writing in it and then when a kid comes past innocuously to put something in the bin or something will grab the diary and shout theatrically "No! You can't read my diary! I've written all about last nights party in it, you can't read it!" Obviously, the other kids are Hmm at this. She used to get bullied, now she is mostly tolerated but has no real friends.

She belongs to a drama club outside of school and performs a lot - starts dancing in supermarkets and then declares to no one in particular she can't help it, she was born to dance Blush They were studying Blood Brothers in school and she insisted on singing the songs to everyone. She's okay - not great, but she tells lies (like saying she got through on BgT and so on.)

Deep down she is a nice person and if she was ten or eleven it would be fair enough but nearly 17 doesn't seem quite right, somehow?

OP posts:
imjessie · 09/06/2017 17:11

Did she pass her GCSEs ok? Or are they this year ?

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 17:16

This year. She is on track to do modestly well: 4s and 5s, mostly.

OP posts:
HangingRock · 09/06/2017 17:23

I see what you mean about her social skills op. Not sure what to suggest though!

lizzyj4 · 09/06/2017 17:27

IME a lot of teenagers take much longer to 'grow up' than you might expect. I've had 6 (well, still have two in process).

Think early to mid-twenties before you can expect adult behaviour. (Just because you grew up more quickly - I'm sure you did without you even saying Hmm - doesn't mean she will or should.) In the meantime, back off and leave her the fuck alone, as you don't seem to have anything supportive to offer her.

You sound really judgy. It sounds as if you don't like SM and HS is paying the price. If she is already struggling, she doesn't need you judging her as well.

Sorry if it sounds like I am policing the thread but please, no "you sound like you don't like her very much, OP" as I do "like her."

Sure you do.

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 17:29

I wouldn't say I did grow up quickly but I wasn't scratching my arse at 16.

One to one she is likeable. I don't like SM but I think this is relevant. SM isn't pleasant to me or to HS.

Now do go and find someone else you can accuse of not liking a relative because they've taken the trouble to ask for help Wink

OP posts:
CaulkheadUpNorf · 09/06/2017 17:30

Does she get enough attention for positive things, or has she learnt that this is how she can get attention?

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 17:32

It may well be an attention thing, she can be quite demanding.

OP posts:
Mumteadumpty · 09/06/2017 17:44

I can see why you are concerned, but I'm not sure what you can do in your position. Has she had any support in school? What does your Dad think?

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 17:49

Our dad isn't the most attentive of parents, I'll put it that way. SM tells HS she is fat and 'no wonder you've got no friends' all the time.) She's also an alcoholic.

OP posts:
titchy · 09/06/2017 17:54

Why do posters post something in detail, then not add crucial information till way later....

If her mother is an abusive alcoholic and her father gives her no attention it's hardly surprising she is desperately seeking attention elsewhere.Hmm

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 17:57

Well, I'm not entirely sure it's just for attention, titchy

OP posts:
LIZS · 09/06/2017 18:00

Do you think she may have any sn (impulsive, la king social skills etc) or just wants to seems popular and fit in?

jensterr · 09/06/2017 18:04

What are 4s and 5s?

Yes she does sound very immature unless she has some other difficulties.

OfficerVanHalen · 09/06/2017 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 18:46

I don't think there's any special needs, but can never be totally sure.

Officer it's no skin off my nose other than the fact that, you know, it would be nice for one of my close relatives to be happy and settled. As it is, I used to work in her school and have friends there.

Obviously I'm a twat so you're welcome to start a thread on that but for now if we could keep to the topic, maybe.

OP posts:
CJCreggsGoldfish · 09/06/2017 18:53

OP, I can understand why you're worried - I'm not sure why you are getting some of these responses as it seems to me you care for her a great deal, and want some help.

I'm not sure what to suggest, how would your Dad respond if you spoke to him about it? Do you spend any one to one time with her...maybe take her for a meal?

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 18:57

My dad hates being "bothered with anything negative" (his words.) It's hard for me to see her as much as I'd like (lone parent.)

OP posts:
hellokittymania · 09/06/2017 19:05

I am visually impaired and have other difficulties, and I was very young at 16. Everybody thought I was about eight. I was very small for my age as well, when I first started my own organization at 23, people thought I was about 13. I was mentally very very young, and I didn't realize a lot of things because I can't see what's going on around me And I was socially very behind everybody my age., Thankfully I had some extremely supportive people around me, but I look back now and I don't know how I did it.

NerrSnerr · 09/06/2017 19:13

I was a little bit like this as a teen- I didn't lie to that extent but sometimes exaggerated stuff and always wanted to be centre of attention. It's because I didn't get it at home. I'm in my 30s now, it took until after uni to properly grow up.

CaulkheadUpNorf · 09/06/2017 19:15

I'm one that also took a while and a lot of therapy to grow up. I can now notice the time when I was being a bit of an idiot.

I wonder if she has had people to tell her what the boundaries are, what is acceptable etc?

ApocalypseNowt · 09/06/2017 19:20

Her behaviour screams 'attention seeking', coupled with the fact she seems to be on the very immature end of what you'd expect from a 16 year old I can appreciate how out of step she must seem with her peers.

I'm no expert but with her SM being an alcoholic and her dad being disinterested I think some counselling might be the way forward. Has this been tried/suggested?

Mumteadumpty · 09/06/2017 23:15

What are her plans for after GCSEs?

Funnyfarmer · 09/06/2017 23:23

Has she always been immature for the age?
I scratch my arse if it's itchy.
Like everyone says it sounds like attention seeking or trying to force herself happy.
Is it possible for her to stay with you for a while?

Original poster
Calyrical · 09/06/2017 23:26

Not in front of thirty people you don't, Funnyfarmer, I'm sure Hmm

Look, I realise some people will always have a problem with an OP, but seriously, it's not AIBU, it's in teenagers, because I wanted actual advice not people insisting I'm a twat. (If you DO think I'm a twat you are very probably right but - not on here, please?)

She is going to college to do A levels if her grades are up to it.

OP posts:
Mumteadumpty · 09/06/2017 23:58

The difficulty is that you don't have parental responsibility, so I can't think how you could raise concerns, unless you did it unofficially through your friends at the school. Does your sister have any insight into her behaviour?