Immature 16 year old

[Calyrical]

Really hoping for useful suggestions ... sorry if it sounds like I am policing the thread but please, no "you sound like you don't like her very much, OP" as I do "like her."

She's my (half) sister, the product between my stepmother who isn't a pleasant person, and dad. Just done her GCSEs; will turn 17 in September.

Lots of behaviour of the sort that I'm trying to train DS2(3) out of now: nose picking, bottom scratching and so on.

Tells tales on her classmates, to the point where even teachers have become exasperated. Shouts out answers again, to the point where teachers become exasperated.

Tries to make out that she has an exciting life outside of school which is a shame really - she will take her "diary" into school and sit there writing in it and then when a kid comes past innocuously to put something in the bin or something will grab the diary and shout theatrically "No! You can't read my diary! I've written all about last nights party in it, you can't read it!" Obviously, the other kids are at this. She used to get bullied, now she is mostly tolerated but has no real friends.

She belongs to a drama club outside of school and performs a lot - starts dancing in supermarkets and then declares to no one in particular she can't help it, she was born to dance They were studying Blood Brothers in school and she insisted on singing the songs to everyone. She's okay - not great, but she tells lies (like saying she got through on BgT and so on.)

Deep down she is a nice person and if she was ten or eleven it would be fair enough but nearly 17 doesn't seem quite right, somehow?

It sounds as if she has major social skills issues and might even be a bit autism-spectrummy. The nose-picking, bottom-scratching and even the sudden bursts of dancing could be self-stimming and unawareness rather than attention seeking, and her other attempts at attention seeking with lies and the notebook are very clumsy indeed. Telling tales, shouting out answers and even singing her songs at people who obviously aren't interested are quite common with mild autism. But it's difficult to see what you can do about it (sorry!). Apart from being kindly and patient with her yourself, and not fussing about the lies. You may even be able to point out to her - in a factual and neutral voice tone - that certain behaviour is unacceptable in front of others - and if you are lucky she wont take offense. Don't keep on at her about it though, at most say it once and then let it go.

For whatever reason it does look as if she hasn't picked up some of the "unwritten rules" of social behaviour. Hopefully she will grow into them. The drama club will be very helpful in the long term, as well as giving her social contact acting roles will help her learn how to behave. If she asks your advice you might be able to adapt some of the suggestions from the chapter on the "Different Drummer" from The Unwritten Rules of Friendship for her - it's really meant for parents of younger children but some of it might help. She is lucky to have a sister who cares about her and wants to help.

One way to put the message across neutrally would be to use the fact that you are teaching your DS manners- "I am trying to teach Johnny not to pick his nose, of course people do it but that kind of thing is only in private when no-one else can see, many people find it disgusting. Don't you agree? ... So if you see him do it can you remind him to blow his nose on a tissue / go in the bathroom / leave his nose alone". You might need to say something for each of the different things that she does (not all at once!) because she might not be able to generalise very well from one bad habit to another.

Given what you have said about her mum, fetal alcohol syndrome could be an explanation for difficult behaviours.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/foetal-alcohol-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

My first thought was SN, probably autistic spectrum- her behaviour seems to indicate a complete unawareness or indifference to how she comes across to her peers

then you mentioned about her ghastly background/home situation- and that in itself would also be enough to explain it

with the added possibility, as Rummidge suggests, of some damage in the womb

or perhaps a combination of 2 or 3 of those

In any case, Kleinzeit's advice seems spot on. What you can be is the alternative to her useless family, a calm kindly presence, who might very occasionally guide her in the right direction, but whose real function is to provide a role model. Difficult if you can't see her often, but even an occasional presence might make a difference. What you will need to keep in your mind is that her grating behaviour is almost certainly caused by factors beyond her control. So try not to judge her.

Definitely no damage in the womb but I had wondered about autism. She wasn't like this when she was younger, though.

I don't judge her. I want her to be happy. But I had to explain her behaviour on here in order to get advice.

It may be, as Kleinzeit says, that some of those behaviours are a form of stimming, so they are becoming more noticeable as teen life puts more stress on her. Also, as you said yourself, some of those thing you probably wouldn't have noticed yourself when she was younger. It is not uncommon for women to be diagnosed in their teens or even their twenties.

lizzy You can like someone as a whole being without liking every aspect of their personality...

Sometimes I wanna bash my OH over the head in his sleep... other times I want to cuddle all day.

jensterr
4s and 5s are the new numbered gcse grades. Current year 11 would only get them in maths and English this year as all other subjects are A*-C.
Current y10 are doing all new grades.

OP
You sound like your heart is in the right place and she does sound very immature. There's a few students like that in my school and almost all have something going on. Not saying send needs but wider issues. All you can do is repeat "I'm teaching children not to do this so as their aunts I need your example to be a good one" maybe lots of praise for being a great aunty and example.

Not in front of thirty people you don't, Funnyfarmer, I'm sure hmm
I really do.
Is substance abuse a possibility?
When she's doing the things you say. Does she find herself funny? Or is she completely oblivious that other people might find her behaviour a bit strange?