14 year old son hates his looks (and delayed puberty)

[jaykay34]

My 14 year old son is massively depressed at the moment and I don't know what to do or say. His whole outlook on life has changed and I'm worried that it isn't just teenage angst but something else.

His main issue is that he hasn't gone through puberty, and all of his friends have. He hasn't started puberty yet and I did take him to the doctor who basically said it's nothing to worry about and he's normal and it will happen, just a little later than he wants it to. This really upset him (he cried uncontrollably confront of the doctor as he was hoping he would get some hormone injections). He has constantly googled "delayed puberty" and is convinced he has a serious condition.

He is 5'2" (considerably smaller than his friends but not the smallest boy in his year) and very skinny (about 6 and a half stone). He has told me he hates his body and feels like a freak.

This afternoon, he came home from school and burst into tears because another boy had told him he was skinny, short and ugly. He then started hitting himself in the face and saying he wants to disappear. He said in detail how he hates all of his features...eyebrows, lips, jawline , freckles, hair - he hates everything about himself.

He never used to be so sensitive and him and his friends have always had banter where they throw insults at eachother - which never used to upset him. However, now it just seems to add to his distress.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has a son that has experienced this, or if he has some sort of body dysmorphia. I can understand his frustration about puberty, but he is now hating his looks, which he always seemed quite confident in.

Sorry for long post, but I am finding this heartbreaking as there's nothing I can do. If I say anything positive, he says I only think that because I'm his mum.

This is such a hard age.
What height are you and his DF?
When did his DF start puberty?

I'm 5'6, his dad is 5'10.
His dad started puberty at 13. This also upsets him and adds to his worry of having a serious condition, because his dad started before he did.
It doesnt help that my daughter (son's twin) has been through puberty and is slightly taller than him now, so people often think she's his older sister. Even though he is aware that girls go through puberty younger, he feels "freakish" that he seems to be the only late developer in the family.

I don't gave any words of wisdom I'm afraid, but my husband was a late developer. His mother took him to the doctor at 16 because she was so worried about him. In the 6th form he took off and ended up at 6'3", which was much taller than his father. She told me he outgrew 3 pairs of school trousers in one school year.

My younger daughter has inherited his late developer genes. When she was 13 she was mistaken for an 8 yr old. She was very short, had the body of a child and didn't start her periods until she was 15. Now (17) she is 5'7" and much to her delight has just overtaken her older sister who was always tall as a child, and most of her school friends.

fifth Thank you...that is really reassuring. I do actually remember some of the smaller children in my school year growing taller than the rest of us in adulthood - and I'm pretty sure that my son will finally have his growth spurt.
When we went to the doctor (it was at my son's request as he wanted some hormone injections he had read about), the doctor did try telling him that children who go through puberty later usually end up tall, but my son won't listen to any advice !!

I do feel that his sensitivity and mood swings are down to hormones which may indicate puberty is just round the corner. I just hate seeing him so upset, and seeing his confidence so low.

My DH was the same - he is now a very handsome 6 foot man, and he's actually really broad too, surprisingly stocky seeing as he was such a thin, small child.

DSS and DS were late developers. At 15 both were shorter than me, I'm 5'3". DSS went on holiday at 15 with my sister who is 2 years younger and everyone thought she was his older sister. By 16, both had hit puberty and DSS is now 6'5" with size 15 feet, and DS is still growing but is currently about 5'10" with size 8 feet (he's nearly 17). DH is 6'.

I can understand your concern ..it must be heartbreaking seeing him so upset and not being able to help
14 is such a hard age ..my ds is 14 and his moods are all over the place.

My dd's first boyfriend was tiny at 16 and sprouted in yr 12 from about 5'2 to eventual adult height of 6'.

I think if he hasn't got any of the advanced signs of puberty like facial hair , dropped voice, hairy legs etc then he can be reassured that he will grow ..if he had the above signs and still hadn't grown I think that may be a sign that he wasn't going to be growing loads more.

My nephew is similar, both parents late developers and he has yet to go through puberty at 15 but he has just started injections after a mixture of waiting and seeing and tests. There is nothing wrong with him but he is having treatment for social and psychological reasons so it may be worth persevering with the doctor but don't expect them to rush anything.

I have also been through this with my son very recently, I do feel for you and your son. Once they get to 141/2 it is officially 'delayed' puberty and they will investigate to make sure everything is as it should be regards growth hormone etc. We were under a paediatrician and had a referral to an endocrinologist, and a nutritionist. My son was a similar to build to yours and the critical thing was his weight! The endocrinologist measured testicle size ( they have a testical necklace which they use to compare against), he was able to reassure my son that the message from the hormones to kick of puberty had been sent from his testical size and that it was now imperative for him to up his calorie intake ( this was a challenge as my son not a natural eater!) we had a prescription build up drink for a few months and he made a huge effort to eat more. He warned him that without adequate calorie intake he may have a compromised growth spurt and not maximise his height potential (I'm 5'4, DH 5'10) and that as his BMI was so low his body had no extra for growth over his everyday energy needs.
We are now a year on and my son is well into puberty, voice has recently broken, and he is almost 5'4, having been under 5' a year ago. Still a way to go, but now he can see changes his self esteem is greatly improved. Do look at his calorie intake if his eating isn't great, may just help kick things off!

OP, one of my sons sounds exactly like yours. At 14 was distraught as the shortest smallest in the class. By 16 he was 6'2"! One day he just started shooting up like a weed. It can happen.

My 14 year old son hasn't started puberty either. He isn't short or skinny. It never occurred to me to worry about it as I was nearly 15 before I started my periods and my sister was 15. I was painfully thin though.

I wouldn't know if he was experiencing changes genitally. He did recently mention that he had about 5 hairs in his armpits. That said I had loads at age 11 but still didn't go through puberty until much later.

My son doesn't seem excessively worried about it but I get the impression he would like something to happen soon. He finds this kind of thing super embarrassing. I have earned both my boys that they will probably go through it later than their peers as I did and so did their dad.

Having read this thread I am wondering if he should see a gp. He is only just 14 though.

Thanks all for your posts, it's really reassuring to know that there are others that have been through this.

name and gretchen There seems to be a pattern of the late developers growing very tall ! Fingers crossed for my son - It's his dream to reach 6 foot.

ggirl My son hasn't got any of the puberty signs at all yet, so should grow a bit more.
And yes, i agree, 14 is such a difficult age !! Both my son and daughter come with very different types of angst and I also have a 2 year old so it's tantrums galore in this house !! I remember 14 being a horrible age for me too.

wiggly I think I will return to the doctor, even if it's just to discuss the psychological side. That's what is worrying me - seeing my son at such a low point. My GP is totally against the injections at the moment, but she did say she may reconsider this next year.

tripilates Thankyou, that is such helpful advice and makes a lot of sense to me. My son isn't a big eater and is exceptionally healthy; he skips breakfast, doesn't snack, and the majority of his diet is meat, fruit and vegetables (so very low calorie). Can you remember the name of the build up drink - it often helps if I have information ready when I see my GP. I have just suggested to my son that he eats more and he has agreed to make a conscious effort and actually smiled. It seems to help him if he thinks he can do something !

My DS is 14 1/2 and is also small and skinny and not showing signs of puberty (he's under 5ft) I was a late developer and DH is shortish and slim and so I've tried not to worry about it.

He doesn't seem unduly worried but I have noticed him get picked on a few times by children who are younger but are now bigger than him and it's a disadvantage when he plays football trying to tackle kids much bigger than him (he's had a few injuries as a result).

I took him to the doctors recently and she compared his height now to when he was younger and said he was on course to be normal height but shortish (like his dad). However, having read Tripilates post I wonder if we should go back as he eats very little and I'm concerned that's having an impact.

Ds1 was a late starter compared to a lot of his friends. He only started growing after his 15th birthday. He's pushing 6 foot now and probably has a lot of growing to still do.
Given your height and his dad's height, he'll reach a decent height. Remember that sufficient sleep and nutrition are important too. He'll only grow when he's asleep so lots of early nights.

I would have a chat with the school about the bullying - see if they have any ideas.

curuncule Thanks ! I am sort of subtely feeding all your advice to my son this evening, but have told him I'm on a health website...not Mumsnet !

user My son is 14 and the GP was quite dismissive about it at his age, but judging from these posts GPs can react quite differently. I guess if your son is quite happy in himself, you would have no reason to worry. Up until 6 months ago, I always thought my son looked quite cute and happy when I saw him with his much taller mates...I even thought he liked being the small one as he used to boast about paying much less for his trainers because they are still children's sizes.
There are definitely lots of other boys who haven't gone through puberty at 14; I think my son is just unfortunate in the fact that every single one of his friends has.

Can I reiterate earlier post - please speak to school. Not only should they be able to limit the 'banter' that is actually bullying, but may also have counsellor he could speak to, or some sort of peer mentor. He definitely sounds like some support would be good, to compliment you of course.

lakes One of my son's "triggers", is that he loves playing football, but just cannot tackle his friends anymore. He said sometimes he gets knocked flying and it's embarrasing.

cowgirls I will definitely add sleep to the list of things to correct. He seems to stay up quite late now, and sometimes only gets 6/7 hours sleep.

anna I was thinking of calling the school. I think he and his friends are all into their banter, but it seems that he has taken another boys comments really seriously (the boy is in his friendship group but not a close friend) - so I'm a bit worried about other kids jumping on the bandwagon.

My 14 year old started growth hormone injections in December, he has always been small and skinny, he had however started puberty which he has now had to have delayed, it took two years for us to finally get anywhere and caused him lots of anxiety which I really underestimated, he has grown 4 inches from December to now, and his feet have grown too, he now seems a lot happier in himself, but the anxiety although not as much is still there, if you really do believe there is an issue and it's effecting him mentally , then please do Push it, the tests that they do confirm if there is a growth hormone or any hormone issues.

My brother and I both hit puberty late. He started a new school at 14 and everyone thought he was a new 1st year 11 year old. I was tiny, really tiny, until 15. There was only one girl smaller than me. Anyway, I started my periods at nearly 16 and grew 5 or 6 inches in about 18 months. I ended up five foot eight, and my brother is six foot and a bit. My friends son is growing madly at the moment, he is 17. She was a late developer like me.
He sounds hormonal as well as sad, I think things are probably going to change over the next 12 months and he will have a big grow at 15/16 like me. I still grew a bit after I left school. And yes, I ended up taller than many girls in my year who towered over me at 14.

sam Sorry, crossed posts ! I have decided that I will definitely contact the school. My son will be mortified, so I will have to hope they are tactful. I am hoping there is access to a counsellor as he did say earlier that he would see one.

Go back to the dr. They can arrange a n X-ray of the hand, can't quite recall the details but it will prove his bone age and if he needs growth hormone

When I was in school, we'd go to summer holidays at the end of year 9 or year 10. Return 6 weeks later to see all these men walking around! Our male friends weren't boys anymore.

Try to ease his worry. It will happen. Maybe stop him looking on the bloody net. That is probably causing him most of the worry.

How many of the boys have actually gone through all the change? I am sure it is only little bits. I bet most haven't even broken their voices yet.

QOD and vix I think we will go back to the GP. One of the things that frustrates my son is not knowing if he has anything wrong with him. He is automatically assuming that he has a puberty issue - I think an answer either way would settle his mind.

vix Thanks for the reassurance ! I have started to notice a difference recently in my son's face. Last year he looked very babyfaced, this year he's looking much more grown up and chiselled (he can't see this himself) so I do have some hope that puberty may occur naturally over the next year or two.

Growth hormones? He's 14 ffs. It is normal for boys to hit puberty much later than girls. To have a growth spurt at around 16.

Any wonder there are such issues with society today. Everyone thinking there is a health issue if someone's body does something at a different time. Just because some of (I garrantee not all) his mates have started (certainly haven't gone through it fully by 14) puberty, doesn't mean there is somethinh wrong with him. Our bodies are all different.