14 year old son hates his looks (and delayed puberty)

[jaykay34]

My 14 year old son is massively depressed at the moment and I don't know what to do or say. His whole outlook on life has changed and I'm worried that it isn't just teenage angst but something else.

His main issue is that he hasn't gone through puberty, and all of his friends have. He hasn't started puberty yet and I did take him to the doctor who basically said it's nothing to worry about and he's normal and it will happen, just a little later than he wants it to. This really upset him (he cried uncontrollably confront of the doctor as he was hoping he would get some hormone injections). He has constantly googled "delayed puberty" and is convinced he has a serious condition.

He is 5'2" (considerably smaller than his friends but not the smallest boy in his year) and very skinny (about 6 and a half stone). He has told me he hates his body and feels like a freak.

This afternoon, he came home from school and burst into tears because another boy had told him he was skinny, short and ugly. He then started hitting himself in the face and saying he wants to disappear. He said in detail how he hates all of his features...eyebrows, lips, jawline , freckles, hair - he hates everything about himself.

He never used to be so sensitive and him and his friends have always had banter where they throw insults at eachother - which never used to upset him. However, now it just seems to add to his distress.

I'm just wondering if anyone else has a son that has experienced this, or if he has some sort of body dysmorphia. I can understand his frustration about puberty, but he is now hating his looks, which he always seemed quite confident in.

Sorry for long post, but I am finding this heartbreaking as there's nothing I can do. If I say anything positive, he says I only think that because I'm his mum.

aw really feel for your son, such a hard stage to be at. I just wanted to echo what other people have said. We're a short family and my brother was tiny and very skinny until, i think 15/16. Even then it was gradual. He did no sports and was called a wimp. He's now a 30 something stocky Rugby playing ex-soldier. He's not especially tall, but quite broad, and hairy, which really surprises me as he was totally smooth skinned until that 15/16/17 mark.

mise My mum worked in a school and said the same thing about the year 9 holiday !!

I second tripilates.

6 and a half stone at 5'2 seems very low for a boy. At age 14, I was that height and around 7 stone 10, and was a very tiny teenage girl.

I think your DS needs to try and eat more to get his weight up. Nutrition and calorific intake can arrest growth and puberty. I'm pretty sure my restricted diet at that age stopped me growing any taller.

It might be an idea for your DS to monitor his calorific intake using an app, so he can see just how much he is actually eating. It is worth trying to crack this now as being underweight can become a near impossible hurdle to cross later in life for some males.

If he's only getting 6 or 7 hours sleep that is something which he should definitely try to address. A lack of sleep will prohibit his growth and affect his mood.

No words of wisdom , but what struck me was that you must be a lovely mum for him to tell you all this. He must reallytrust you.

I once gave a talk to a class of 14 year olds. There was a boy at the front who looked and sounded like a ten year old choirboy and one at the back who looked like a hulking great bloke with a moustache and a bass voice. It was really amusing, the vast difference. There was more variation in the boys than the girls. So it is all normal, for 14.
And if you can see his facing changing, his jaw is becoming more masculine, then I'd say he is in puberty now, and will suddenly start growing like a weed within 12 months.

Oh and I was five and a half stone at his age, and around five foot one.

Thanks ohyes, he is really open with me - I'm quite lucky that he feels he can talk to me.

Thanks to everybody for your posts this evening. I have had a good chat with my son and he agrees that he needs to eat more and sleep more. He even went on an app that tells him how many calories he would need to eat in order to gain weight, so he's taking this really seriously.

I am going to have a chat with the school, as he does want to speak to somebody about his confidence and negative body image.

I have also reiterated that lots of late developers grow (very) tall. He's not too keen about waiting two years for his growth spurt, but it has given him hope !

That's really great OP. It sounds like he's feeling more positive already.

And remind him that the mighty oak takes longer to grow than a weed.

This is such a hard age - ds is very skinny too and he feels very self conscious about it, he is so critical of his teeth, hair etc. My dd seems interested in her appearance but is no where near as self critical.

My late developer friend, the one whose son is now growing madly at 17, is five ten. You have more growing years if you hit puberty late, so you do tend to get taller.

jaykay I also have a 14 and a half year old son and he hasn't shown any signs of starting puberty. My older son didn't show any signs until he was VERY nearly 15. That isn't at all unusual and when they do start to grow it does happen very quickly, as other posters have said.

It is hard for the sporty boys when suddenly they seem to be surrounded by men on the pitch - my older one went through that, and the younger one is going through it at the moment. But you have to reassure them that they too will change into men sooner or later, and in the meantime they do just have to put up with it. It feels unfair and they might even drop out of teams (hopefully temporarily) while the others around them who might not be as good technically at sport/might not try as hard, or care as much, get the places in the teams because they have grown and have more power and speed. All you can do is sympathise with how unfair it seems and reassure your son again and again that he will grow and change too, at the right time for him and his body.

I would be worried about your son's hatred of his looks. I think that is what should prompt a return to the doctor/an appointment with a school counsellor, rather than worry over 'delayed puberty' - it's too early to know if his puberty is delayed I think, but it's worrying if he continues to develop such self-hatred as he waits for puberty to arrive for him. My boys both started to enjoy shopping for their own clothes during the endless wait for puberty - they can make themselves look a bit more grown up with new clothes and a new haircut sometimes. Don't know if that would help your son? I would definitely keep a very close eye on what he is saying about his looks, and try to get him some counselling at school or via the GP if he is expressing 'self-hatred' consistently for more than a week or two.

My almost sixteen year old son is still utterly hairless everywhere except his head, although he has a deep voice and is six feet tall. He is also still VERY skinny, although his shoulders have broadened. Puberty is different for everyone and that's the best message you can keep drumming home. It isn't going to magically turn your son into an athletic, perfectly proportioned man overnight, so he might well need a course of counselling to help him to accept his body for what it is, before, during and after puberty.

Good luck to you and him. He's lucky to have a caring and supportive parent on his side. x

No advice but reading with interest. My ds is 13.5 and under 5 foot and under 6 stone, and is getting really depressed that he is the shortest and smallest. He's in for a lot of teasing about it, is struggling in PE etc. Me and dh both quite tall as is his sister so he finds it especially hard. He's still only size 3 feet too. Interesting to hear your stories, sounds like some boys are just slower to grow. I do worry about him.

I felt really upset for your son when I read your post-awful when our children are distressed. But wonderful to see so many really useful pieces of advice others have been able to share

My DS had to put some weight on recently and a PT suggested a smoothy with whey powder, full fat milk, banana and peanut/nut butter (our DS has no allergy to nuts). He managed to put weight back on -but i guess a nutritionist would be able to advise

And I mirror what others have said, that is is great he feels he can talk to you about his worries. That is really lovely

I have two boys. One reached puberty very early at 11 and the other quite late at almost 16. Guess which one is the tallest now at 6'4". He does have tall parents though. He was bothered by it more perhaps because he had seen his brother grow to 6' at primary school and expected to do the same.

A friend of DS2 was very like your DS. A twin, his sister fully developed at 13 though not tall. He was probably 17 when he suddenly shot up but until then he looked years younger than all the other boys in the year not just because of his height but also because he was so thin. He was a very, very faddy eater (unlike his twin) and I often thought this must be a factor. He scarcely ate a bite whenever I saw him. His parents are both probably under 5'6" and he is now taller than them.

I'd be more worried about his low mood than lack of puberty as 14 is really not unusual in boys.

Incidentally the weight gain tips are useful to me because DS2 while being 6'4" is only 10 stone and very keen to gain weight. Whey powder peanut butter smoothies. Lovely .

Also the very first sign of puberty in boys is growth of hands and feet. If he starts going up a shoe size, leg and arm length then follows before body hair.

Thanks again for all your replies and taking the time to respond. I feel like my son is not alone, and am armed with lots of brilliant advice. The tips and knowledge on here have been amazing, and I didn't expect to get so many responses.

It is generally my son's low mood which worries me - the puberty thing worries him more than it worries me. I just assume that it will happen at some point. He has no reason to worry about his looks...of course I am biased, but he's a lovely looking boy (he has unique colouring which he used to love but subsequently now hates) and I wish he could start to believe that lookswise he is fine.

I will try out the smoothie hawks. He's actually eaten eggs on toast for breakfast, a proper lunch at school and having pasta bolognese this evening so is really trying with his eating today. So thankyou to all that pointed out about his weight and nutrition.

And just for the record wecks..his feet have grown a size and a half in the past couple of months !!

Hi Jaykay 34, it's a long time since you posted this thread I know, but I'm wondering how your ds is getting on now? I am in EXACTLY the same with my ds, who is just over 14 and a half. He's extremely distressed about his total lack of puberty, 5'1", six and 42 kilos. He's very strong and muscular for his size and eats well, but no sign of anything happening in teh puberty depatment. Made worse by his sister, 2 years younger, who is the same size as him and developing, which he finds acutley humiliating. I would be very intereted to know if your son is now growing, and how he is feeling about it all. It's reassuring to know that it happens to other people, although terribly upsetting to think of all these young people suffering such anguish. My ds spends so much of his time in tears, it's awful to see. Keeping it hidden from everyone at school and pretending that everything is ok is also exhausting for him.
Incidentally, my eldest daugher, now 18, only started to grow at 16 (also started periods at this age), and leapt from the 9th centile to the 50th. Although she's not tall, she is a very respectable 5'5". But it did definitely have an enduring effect on her self-esteem.

Hello CPyke. Hope I can reassure you a little.

Just seen that I posted on here last May when my dad was 13.5 and depressed about his lack of growth. It was only well into this year he started growing more, and hasn't really stopped - in a few months he's grown 4 inches and 3 shoe sizes, and is now (at just 15) definitely starting puberty proper (voice deepening etc). He's still one of the shorter ones, but I don't think he will be for long, at this rate. He finally feels happier about himself.

A lot of boys just seem to go into puberty late. I remember how worried I was about him, though, how tiny he seemed. Now he seems to grow every day and is catching his 5ft7 sister up. :)

Ds, not dad!!

Thanks Madhairday. Good to know your ds is well on his way now. 4 inches in a few months actually sounds painful! Mine, I think, knows that it will happen eventually but it's the wait that is doing the damage to his confidence. In fact, the paediatrician ordered an x ray of his wrist to check bone age, and that has just come back showing that it's 11ys 6months, which means that he may well not grow until he's 17 or so, so he's referring him to the paediatric endocrinologist, to see what they think, in view of the psychological effect it is having. I feel very out of my depth but glad to have support of specialists and also people like you - thank you.

No problem. It sounds like you have good support in place. he'll get there - some just go into puberty so much later than others, the post about Y9/Y10 boys and their differences is so true!

Yes, 4 inches in a few months has been painful - there have been lots of complaints about aches and pains. But he seems more confident, which is good, he was very down about it all. I think he thought it would never happen.