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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Eldest DS has a girlfriend. Help! Not done this bit before as a parent.

34 replies

Phaslosttheplot · 15/04/2017 23:14

My 16yr DS told me this week he has a girlfriend. His first that I know about anyway. They have been friends for a while but now I guess things have moved on. I am really unsettled with it though and a bit freaked that he is moving into the adult world and adult consequences too. Advise please! Should I just keep my nose out (I feel I should)? If your kids have been there before, would you say there are any do's or dont's?

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 15/04/2017 23:18

Never say a word against her! A lot of teenage boys are very, very romantic with their girlfriends - that was a surprise to me!

You or his dad need to have "the talk" to protect both of them, but make no assumptions about anything that's happened so far.

Pestilentialone · 15/04/2017 23:24

Buy a massive box of condoms and have "the talk". This will probably embarrass him.
Invite her round to the house. This should not embarrass him.
We found most BFs or GFs fitted in comfortably, the ones who were just awkward seemed to drift away after a couple of weeks.

Original poster

Phaslosttheplot · 15/04/2017 23:34

Thankfully my DH did the talk yesterday (mind you I did do the talk re horrors of porn at 12)! My son would die of embarrassment if I presented him with a huge box condoms though. Does it really move that fast?? Ok, I'm a naive middle aged women...

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ImperialBlether · 15/04/2017 23:39

What I did was this. I worked in a college, so said, "One of the nurses who was in to talk to students left behind this (massive) box of condoms. I know you're not up to anything but if any of your friends want them, pass them around, will you?"

He laughed, took the box and they never left his room.

Is there anything similar you could do?

Teenageromance · 16/04/2017 08:51

No it doesn't necessarily move that fast - I'm with Imperial on this one and teenage boys being quite romantic. But still good to have the talk and open that area of communication.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 16/04/2017 08:57

Buy a massive box, take off the outer wrapping and leave them in bathroom cabinet or similar and tell him they are there if he needs them - replenish if / when required without comment... (2x teen dss here).

JustSpeakSense · 16/04/2017 09:16

Yes I agree, have the talk, buy a giant box of condoms, replenish without comment.

Encourage them both to spend time with you occasionally, it's the polite thing to do.

Let him know you are there if he needs advice on anything or a woman's perspective (he won't of course )

Vodkamartine · 16/04/2017 09:19

I always found having them invited round for dinner nice my mum got to interigate them at the table and my room never looked so clean when I try to impress them

Original poster

Phaslosttheplot · 16/04/2017 09:23

Imperial and Teenageromance I think my son is superisingly (he was never very expressive) going to be quite taken by her. Think I will need to be careful re what I say about them. Will have to have a think re condoms though. Naively didn't even cross my mind.

OP posts:

Original poster

Phaslosttheplot · 16/04/2017 09:31

Could invite her for dinner. Hadn't thought of that. I'm guessing He would probably say no for now. Has always been quite a private person and wouldn't want to give me the chance to pry/ get to l know her.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 16/04/2017 11:34

I think dinner is too formal. Just be nice to her whenever you see her and don't use all your interrogation techniques!

Temporaryanonymity · 16/04/2017 11:39

Definitely do the big supply of condoms. I once knew a woman with five teenage sons and that was the parenting advice she passed to me as a new mum of a boy.

She had a big bowl in their bathroom with condoms. I plan to do this.

As someone who always got on well with the parents of boyfriends, just keep it informal. Dinner sounds excruitating for a first meeting.

GetAHaircutCarl · 16/04/2017 15:12

My best piece of advice so far would be not to do much as my DC seem to have a new squeeze every two minutes .

TreeTop7 · 16/04/2017 15:33

Keep it friendly and informal, I agree. Don't invite her for dinner until she's a bit more established with DS and more comfortable with you. Casual and "no big deal" works best I reckon. He will clam up if he feels interrogated, teens can be quite touchy even when you've done nothing wrong.

NeedABumChange · 16/04/2017 15:35

Condoms yes if you don't want to be a DGM yet.

I wouldn't be surprised if they'd already shagged, lots of teens hook up lots before becoming official!

HardcoreLadyType · 16/04/2017 15:53

Just invite her along when you're doing things. If she's at yours, ask her if she'd like to stay for dinner. Give her lifts, if you can. Just treat her like one of his male friends, really.

SoloDance · 16/04/2017 16:03

I second the advice to just treat her like one of his friends. Do not make it into a bit deal.

lizzyj4 · 16/04/2017 16:03

Listen when he wants to talk. Be as supportive as possible. Do not in any way judge (or even seem to judge) any GF. Ever.

Wait until DS invites GF for dinner when/if he feels ready.

The idea of a 'condom talk' (or even worse buying condoms, really ) for a 16 year old is pretty silly, unless he is quite a naive, unworldly teenager, and many 16 yo would find it kind of insulting, so don't do that. They should already have all the information they need well before now (I have 4 sons, 3 of whom are adults well into their 20s, no GC yet). However, if GF is under 16, you do need to talk about that.

Decide now what your position on overnights at your home is going to be - it's fine, shared room; it's fine but GF must sleep in spare bedroom; it will be fine when they're older but not now; or never, ever - then stick to it religiously for all DCs.

Original poster

Phaslosttheplot · 16/04/2017 18:38

Brilliant. Thanks, so helpful. Great idea re
lifts etc. Hard to get right I think, but will make a valiant effort! Raising kids has so many hurdles! DD is 12, so that will be interesting.

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BackforGood · 16/04/2017 18:51

The idea of a 'condom talk' (or even worse buying condoms, really confused ) for a 16 year old is pretty silly, unless he is quite a naive, unworldly teenager, and many 16 yo would find it kind of insulting, so don't do that. They should already have all the information they need well before now (I have 4 sons, 3 of whom are adults well into their 20s, no GC yet). However, if GF is under 16, you do need to talk about that

I agree with this (I have 20, 18, and 15 yr olds).
It is a myth that everybody starts having sex the minute they start going out with someone. Some might, but many don't. I wouldn't push that myth and make expectations even harder for him.
I also agree about not inviting them for dinner, but let him know she's very welcome and just meet her casually when she calls round, or you drop them off somewhere, rather than making it any more formal - just as you would with any friends.

Original poster

Phaslosttheplot · 16/04/2017 19:28

So true. Not all boys are straight into sex from the start. Although will be an issue sooner or later. Many other important issues that as mum of a son feel I have a duty to teach him such as treating her with respect, no means no, what you see on the television is not reality etc etc.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 16/04/2017 19:33

Dinner is very formal. It's also very awkward for teens to be forced to sit and make eye contact in this situation with adults they don't know. BBQ (if the sun ever shines!) or movie night is a better idea.
It's not "the" talk you need to have. It's not one big lecture. It's an ongoing conversation. Tackling issues when they arise. (In the news for eg. Not once they are already an issue!) From consent to sexting and STD. It shouldn't be taboo to talk about sex and relationships. Always be willing to listen.

Rudymentary · 16/04/2017 19:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wolfiefan · 16/04/2017 19:41

If you do the big box of condoms remember to point out the expiration date!!

WandaOver · 16/04/2017 19:46

I second the comment about teenage boys being very romantic. Never ever say anything bad about her, even when she breaks his heart and you want to stick pins in her
Also agree about just treating her like one of his friends.Tell him she's welcome at any time. Mine liked to snuggle up on the sofa watching a film. I used to let him take his GF to his room (leaving the door open). I relaxed that rule as they got older and were together a long time.

I don't agree that providing condoms is insulting any more than letting a DD go to the GP for the pill.
I took the opportunity to say to both DSs that there would always be a box of condoms in the bathroom and they should know how to use them. The box remained untouched for a long time.

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