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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Please hold my hand and some advice

71 replies

givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 19:31

I am a very proud mum to 2 amazingly strong and independent DD's dd1 is 13 and dd2 is 12.
Dd1 is sensitive, sensible and strong or so I thought she has sleepovers at her bf's and vice versa, her bf mum is not chatty but seemed ok, last night dd1 slept there ( arranged by the girls) this morning she came home with a love bite? I questioned this and it turned out 2 boys from their year had slept over as well. I was fumming and took her phone and grounded her for lying to me, she knew the boys would be there.
I have checked her phone and found that there was fondling of my daughters breasts and touching ( all from one boy on my daughter) wtf do I do I thought she was smart, I thought she was in a safe place at a friend's I feel sick and want to rip this women's head off not literally dh is devastated we knew this was coming but not for a few years, what do I do ? I'm so gutted.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 07/04/2017 22:19

It's illegal to but underage kids alcohol but ok on private premises?

It's a grey area

Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 22:47

Age 5-16? So if they're 17 it's illegal?
I'm going back a few years now but I do know someone who was cautioned for supplying a minor with alcohol without there parents permission in a private residence. If it's not illegal it damn well should be

Astro55 · 07/04/2017 22:57

It's more 'a child' rather than 'your own child'

Can you imagine a play date and offering beer?

LoveBeingAMum555 · 07/04/2017 23:42

Oh poor you but please don't beat yourself up about it is not your fault. I doubt the police would do anything about any of this, the Mum could say they helped themselves to the alcohol, how would anyone prove it. We were in a similar situation with the alcohol when DS went to a party and was supplied drink by the parents. He rang me to ask me to get him, he had set off to walk towards home slightly drunk and he didn't really know where he was. He was 15 though.

I really think it's what happens from now on and what lessons DD has learned from this that count. It's obviously going to take time for you to trust her again and she needs to know that.

Having said that as a Mum of boys I would want to know what had gone on if that was my son involved in all this. There are issues with his behaviour that his parents need to be talking to him about.

We have DS2s gf staying over tonight, she is 15 and will sleep in the spare room and I take responsibility for her as if she was my own daughter. The other parents have let you down badly.

Garlicansapphire · 08/04/2017 02:38

I think the part about having boys at the sleepover, the lying and drinking is a bit rich at that age. 12 is a bit young for all that.

But at 13 onwards (when I was that age) I knew quite a few girls who were doing this so I wouldn't go so far as to call the police. Exploration, snogging and all that is quite normal. They do mature physically earlier these days too. So I wouldn't go ballistic....

TitaniasCloset · 08/04/2017 02:47

I'm so liberal and chilled I'm almost horizontal, but the other mum allowed boys to stay over and allowed access to alcohol? Ffs!!! What planet is she on?

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 08:15

I've had time to sleep and calm down, for those of you saying ' it's fine I did that at that age ' things are so so different now we have children for much longer I don't know how to explain it. But also yes I did mess around at that age, and I also remember the feelings after and being to young to understand why this boy didn't like me anymore and isn't it my job as a mum to try and protect my daughter ? The other mum is not allowed to decide what my daughter is or isn't allowed/ capable of that is my job her job that night was to keep my daughter safe, she did not do this. The police are merely involved to offer advice and they are more than happy to help with a warning to all the kids over behaviour and drinking and to make sure if anyone has ( god help me ) video they destroy it rather than share it. Hope that makes things clearer .

OP posts:

GiraffeorOcelot · 08/04/2017 09:53

I assume the other mum has still not got back to you OP?

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 13:23

No she has not, she sent a text saying she would but still nothing

OP posts:

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 13:48

Have now spoken to the other mum and back to fuming, complete blindness to any responsibility for care of kids under her roof her daughter is of course innocent and went to bed at 10:30 as was tired my daughter obviously has lied as I am so un I touch with her feelings and needs. I really don't know what planet she's on ! Oh but her and her daughter are a team and best friends so always honest and open

OP posts:

Topuptheglass · 08/04/2017 13:52

But this happened under her roof?

Was she aware of it?

LoveDeathPrizes · 08/04/2017 13:53

But givemestrength it did work! The talk, I mean. She did say no. And she told you about it. Even under her BFs bloody coercion, she didn't touch him. And yes, you should be fucking fuming but in amongst all of this horrible crap, she really has done some things you should be proud of and reassured by.

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 14:12

Topup apparently not, she doesn't feel the need to watch what goes on ! She's not the police apparently!

OP posts:

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 14:13

Lovedeath thank you I really hadn't considered this.

OP posts:

Astro55 · 08/04/2017 15:14

You wouldn't need to police 2 teen girls but throw in 2 boys and you need to step it up - not that I would invite that mix into my home!!

Her DD sound manipulative and I'd not allow DD in her company alone ever again!

How was it left? What about the alcohol?

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 08/04/2017 15:47

She has now called me with more updates on how innocent her daughter is and how my dd fell asleep downstairs and stayed there all night she has also spoken to both boys and they are " shocked " by my DD's behaviour that night !
She still doesn't seem to see she has created the whole situation by allowing free range of her house to 13 year old children overnight with no supervision whatsoever

OP posts:

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 09/04/2017 00:42

I just can't imagine a situation where I would have teenage boys in my house with teenage girls! Even tho I have a ds I would never have boys and girls to stay at the same time. How did this even come about?? And what was the other mums reasoning? Not surprised you are fuming!

ajandjjmum · 09/04/2017 01:16

givemestrength
It's amazing just how many parents there are around who have perfect children, who are totally open with them, and never manipulate the truth. She's trying to make the issue yours - she's in the wrong and knows it. Sort of hope that the police point that out to her fairly strongly that she's not behaved as a sensible adult. She should be her DD's parent not her friend.

Rawesome6 · 09/04/2017 05:23

You sound like a great mum! The bf's mum good god, no!

Are you comfortable that your daughter consented to what happened? A bit concerned that she was allowed by the other mum to get drunk and then touched by a boy who she refused to touch, but did she consent to being touched? Feel like the bf's mum is blaming your dd. Apologies if reading too much into this.

Original poster

givemestrengthandgin · 09/04/2017 10:26

Dd messed up, I don't dispute that. I have now met this boy wonder and frankly am unimpressed. His mum was horrified and angry, he was gobby and rude and ran from his mum to stand shouting at me next to ... yup the friends mum who informs me she can't be expected to stay up till 3am to keep an eye on the kids and she expected them all to be mature. They are 13 and you have them fucking alcohol and didn't watch them ! Of course they aren't mature the are fucking 13

Dd lying to me that is an issue
The experimenting I am actually not as worried about, it happens but I can re-in force DD's confidence on her own choices
The other mum allowing this situation to occur and then behaving like she's 'cool mum' and somehow my dd has let her down , frankly I want to slap her.

OP posts:

Funnyfarmer · 09/04/2017 21:43

You might just have to put this one down to experience op. Seems like you've both learned from it, and move on.
Is your dd on holiday or is she in school tomorrow?

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