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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Please hold my hand and some advice

71 replies

givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 19:31

I am a very proud mum to 2 amazingly strong and independent DD's dd1 is 13 and dd2 is 12.
Dd1 is sensitive, sensible and strong or so I thought she has sleepovers at her bf's and vice versa, her bf mum is not chatty but seemed ok, last night dd1 slept there ( arranged by the girls) this morning she came home with a love bite? I questioned this and it turned out 2 boys from their year had slept over as well. I was fumming and took her phone and grounded her for lying to me, she knew the boys would be there.
I have checked her phone and found that there was fondling of my daughters breasts and touching ( all from one boy on my daughter) wtf do I do I thought she was smart, I thought she was in a safe place at a friend's I feel sick and want to rip this women's head off not literally dh is devastated we knew this was coming but not for a few years, what do I do ? I'm so gutted.

OP posts:
Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 20:27

Ljkk are you serious ?

OP posts:
Fairylea · 07/04/2017 20:28

I would be absolutely furious with the mum, also it's very inappropriate for her to be messaging your dd asking why you asked to meet with angry emotions! ShockAngry

lljkk · 07/04/2017 20:32

yes I'm serious but I guess I'm about to be flamed! We each have only one past life of experiences. A bit of groping was nothing in my circle at 13 (or younger). We did lots of illegal drugs, too, since you didn't ask. Will hide now since everyone just wants to yell at me which doesn't help OP.

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 20:32

Sorry DD's friend is messaging asking why ? Not the mum she's gone silent

OP posts:
Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 20:34

I didn't yell, but I am shocked you would ask of course I think it's serious or I wouldn't be pulling my hair out .

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 20:42

Why has the boy unfreinded her? Have they fell out?
All I can suggest is talking to all of the parents of the children who was there. Really think the boys parents deserve to know too. They might not even be aware that they was even there.
Was they in private or was her bf and the other present at the time? And how consensual was she? Was it peer pressure or was it something she wanted?
Sorry I know I'm asking a lot of questions just trying to understand how your dd might be feeling?
I'd expect a fall out from school aswell. These things spread like wildfire

Astro55 · 07/04/2017 20:42

So DD still has her phone then? Is that sensible?

BurningGubbins · 07/04/2017 20:42

I kind of agree with you lljkk. Yes you ought to know who is with your child, but at that age some early dabbling with boys is to be expected? My issue would be with sense of control.

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 20:52

No I have her phone that's how I saw the message. I think I need to ask more information from dd although I really don't want the answers tbh and again I don't know this boy so how do I speak to his parents ? He apparently deleted because dh sent him a message ( I was with dd at the time ) he said to the boy that any relationship with dd was over and if a word of what went on got out dh would be informing the police and his parents of the kind of son they have.
He also screen shotted the entire chat. I'm not sure he did the right thing but think he was very restrained

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 20:58

Sounds like your blaming yourself op? She lied to you because she knew it was wrong to have a sleepover with 2 boys. She knew it was wrong because you had taught her so. Teenagers lie. Sorry but it won't be last time.
I know your protective instinct is kicking in now and fobiding you to feel mad with her. But she does need to learn the importance of the consequences when she lies to you. She may or may not have learned her lesson there but she needs to know the lying is unacceptable and that the rules you put in place are there to protect her.

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 21:00

Funny yes I am blaming myself but I have punished her she has no phone for 2 weeks and is grounded the only time she can go out is with dd2 accompanying her to the shop for me and dd2 is loving that.

OP posts:
JamesDelayneysTattoos · 07/04/2017 21:02

Somebody must know who the boys are for heavens sake. I would go round to the house right now and sort it out. Surely the other mum knows the boys.

Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 21:05

He was very restraint. When my dp found a semi-naked picture (No genitals but hair) of her bf that he had sent her on our dd's phone. He threatened to break his legs and have the picture printed out and displayed
all over school.
You need to find out who the boy is from either your dd or her friends mum. apart from anything eles if your dh want to prohibit contact with him he can't unless you no who he is.
Does your dd want to continue a relationship with him?

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 21:08

No she doesn't that's the worst thing, she has admitted only seeing this boy to keep her bf ( girl happy ) argh teenagers and the mum still isn't answering

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Blossomdeary · 07/04/2017 21:13

You need to have a discussion with the other parent and make it clear that you had expected a better standard of supervision.

Also with DD who is just doing her exploring in ignorance of the full implications. She needs to know that you still love her dearly and that you are just concerned for her well-being. She needs to know that you understand that relationships are new territory for her and that you are there by her side to help her through this minefield. She will make mistakes along the way, as we all did, but she needs to know that it is not wrong for her to be interested in what it is like to have a relationship with a boy.

I had several teenage girls at one time: I bumped into one with her bra off and a boy fondling her breasts; and had to get another the morning after pill at one time. They are all adults with families of their own and have put that experimental period well behind them. They all have to go there before they come out the other side.

It is the parent I would be having concerns about - she was out of order.

Good luck with the next few years! It will all come right in the end.

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 21:21

Blossom thank you that was what I needed to hear and I have let her know she's still cuddling daddy but she brought me coffee teen version of sorry I ducked up and we had a little cuddle. I've explained the experimental thing is normal I'm upset it's happened earlier than I'd like and I'm upset I thought she was in a supervised environment and that I feel let down by the other mum, she has also admitted their was alcohol given by the mum, a bottle of corona and some shot of raspberry shot. So am not surprised the other mum isn't answering as I'm now livid and dh has decided to call the police.

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 21:22

I would leave it tonight. Sleep on it. (Or lie awake thinking it over and over )
Honestly though. It isn't the end of the world. You know know now that you can't always trust her word and I'm sure that will make a difference in your future dicsissions. Keep taking to her. You need those answers you don't want to hear. And don't let it go with her bf's mum.
Stop blaming yourself! Every mum has fell for dc's lies. Probably numerous times. I know I have Flowers

Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 21:29

She gave your dd alcohol!!?
And then let 2 randy lads in the bedroom with her!? Well done on not ripping her face off!

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 21:31

I know more now than I ever wanted to but I do know it went no further than under the shirt over the bra touching, dd also slept in the upstairs bathroom as she felt ill so no funny business as door was locked. I believe she is sorry and feels she's let herself down that's why she came home at first chance. I'm waiting for dh to finish with police then going to bed thank you all for tonight Flowers

OP posts:
frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 21:40

hugs

Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 21:49

Has dh gone to the police?
Will you be pressing charges on the mother for supplying a minor with alcohol?
I've never been to strict over alcohol but I would never give to someone eles child without there parents permission

Original poster
givemestrengthandgin · 07/04/2017 21:53

The police will send someone in the morning to talk further with us and dd I'm not sure what's going to happen. Thank you again

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Astro55 · 07/04/2017 21:55

I looked up this alcohol issue -

It seems it's ok for parents to buy alcohol to be consumed at home for their teens - but there's no mention of buying alcohol for other teens

Seems like a grey area - I would love to know then police taken on this - if you can report back

Funnyfarmer · 07/04/2017 22:00

As far as I'm aware its only your own children who you can buy alcohol for to be consumed in your own home.

QODRestYeMerryGentlemen · 07/04/2017 22:12

Oh man - I did similar at that age but I was unsupervised
I'm sorry. 💐

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