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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Don't know what to do

54 replies

coatless · 15/03/2017 10:17

My sixteen y.o. went to a friend's house last night after school and stayed over. That bit's fine. This morning she texted me to say she felt sick this morning so was not going to school and was going to stay at her friend's house.

I don't know if friend is staying off as well. I kind of hope so because I think DD being ill at someone else's house is not on when there's an alternative, i.e. home. I think it's an imposition even if friend's parents say they don't mind and told her so. No response.

I told her I'm going to be in vicinity of friend's house this morning so can collect her. No response.

I'm not willing to phone school to tell them she's off sick if she won't respond to my messages.

Should I turn up on friend's doorstep? Don't know what to do. DD has history of anxiety and depression but I think she's messing about. She has missed a lot of school lately while claiming to be ambitious academically.

OP posts:
Chinnygirl · 15/03/2017 14:13

Kimlek
I told more lies to cover up someones boyfriend than I care to count at that age. I'm not saying that she is hiding something, just that it is a possibility. Not all teens are trustworthy. The OP will have a clearer picture of the teens and their reliability than we do. I commented thisbecause I find it strange that she claims to be ill and alone in someones house, not answering the phone or opening the door. She might just not be there but with someone else.

ihatethecold · 15/03/2017 14:18

Sorry op. She isn't at her friends sleeping.

Her friend is covering for her.

Maybe she had a boyfriend and she stayed there last night.

I would have told that lie to bunk off with my boyfriend when I was a teen.

Original poster
coatless · 15/03/2017 14:21

It ended well.

Still couldn't get in touch with DD but went to cafe for coffee and a scone and to calm down.

Friend was also unwell, it turned out, and head of year traced her to school medical room. She got permission to go home and then rang me while I was checking tyre pressures ar garage (rock from hillside rolled down and took a bite out of wheel and made slit in tyre while I was driving. I calmly said "Bloody hell!" and carried on driving, thinking if tyre blew I'd stop. Tyre didn't blow but rang DH from garage to sort out new tyre and new wheel!).

Anyway, Friend had got home meanwhile and DD was still at her house. Had been asleep and apparently has lost her phone in the jumble of Friend's room. Presumably it was turned to Do Not Disturb too!

Told both of them sleepovers on Fridays and Saturdays but not other days because of stuff like today. Friend apologetic but it wasn't entirely her fault. I just said: "When communications break down so do parents."

And breathe!!

It's such a help to sound off with other parents. Many thanks. I've already got two grown up daughters but there doesn't seem to be much Been There Done It with one's offspring 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
coatless · 15/03/2017 14:24

ihatethecold, that's what school head of year thought too, apparently. Virtually accused Friend of hiding DD. Got this from Friend, not HoY.

OP posts:
Leggit · 15/03/2017 14:26

For me that situation would be unacceptable. As soon as mine said she was unwell I would have made clear I was collecting her. If they are ill they come home

ihatethecold · 15/03/2017 14:26

Glad you've located her.

Original poster
coatless · 15/03/2017 14:34

That's what I did , leggit, but it seems she'd already turned her phone off. OFF type off. Grrr!

Damage to car wheel and tyre.

Don't know what to do
OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 15/03/2017 14:45

Ouch! Just what you needed.

Vegansnake · 15/03/2017 14:47

How do you not know what to do....go get yr daughter,and if not Ill take her to school.simple

Leggit · 15/03/2017 15:55

That's what I did , leggit, but it seems she'd already turned her phone off Its not really what you did though. As soon as I received a text saying she was unwell I would have called and told her I was on my way to collect. You told her you were in the vicinity later that morning and COULD collect her, essentially giving her a choice. Then you posted here asking if you should go get her. By 10.15 am mine would have been picked up already.

Chinnygirl · 15/03/2017 16:42

I am flad that you have her now. I hope she gets well soon.

pilates · 15/03/2017 17:04

Agree with leggit. If she is ill, you make arrangements to collect straightaway after receiving the first message. I would not be happy if calls/messages were ignored.

Original poster
coatless · 15/03/2017 17:36

I take on board that you think I wasn't assertive enough, leggit.

OP posts:
Original poster
coatless · 15/03/2017 17:41

Thanks, chinny. It has been a bit weird for a few weeks. Saying she's ill one day and not the next. I told her on way home today that if she's ill she's to stay home and get better (with GP appointments if necessary) and if she's not ill enough to do that she should just give herself a kick up the backside and go to school feeling meh. Easy for me to say; I was never ill as a teenager and didn't miss a day of school.

OP posts:
Jackeve · 15/03/2017 20:13

My dd is nearly 16 and she's had a few days off recently saying she felt poorly and I think it's more because she's feeling under pressure because of her gcse's. Her school seem to be piling on the pressure. Do you think your daughter is feeling the same ? x

pilates · 15/03/2017 20:23

Jack, that is no excuse. Her and thousands of other kids. What happens when you have to deal with stress at work, take a sickie?

Leggit · 15/03/2017 20:55

Actually the stress some kids feel in the run up to exams can be immense. I'm not sure how it's comparable to stress at work, other than YES lots of people take time off work with stress. Lots of people develop quite serious depression if they don't allow this 'breathing space' so I think it's vital that we acknowledge our teens ARE susceptible to stress.

pilates · 15/03/2017 21:04

Of course it's comparable. My DD is the same age and dealing with the same stress of GCSE's. So I make sure she is not late to bed, she is eating a good balanced diet and keeping hydrated. Having sleepovers with friends on a school night with the run up to GCSE's is not a good idea.

mummytime · 15/03/2017 21:11

Pilates just because your DD is coping with GCSE stress does not mean that other people's DC are not suffering from the stress. I have known young people become suicidal at this time.

When I had a miscarriage I treated it fairly philosophically, that doesn't mean that I would say anyone else should "just get over it". What may floor me could be no problem to you and vice versa.

Leggit · 15/03/2017 21:16

pilates But all GSCE aged teens are not the same, just as all adults are not the same. What one adult copes easily with another may not. Our teenagers are the same and this is important to recognise. Just because yours is doing fine, please don't assume everyone else's is the same.

pilates · 15/03/2017 21:17

Did I say my DD is coping well with GCSE exams? No, she isn't particularly but I am doing everything I can to try and minimise her stress levels and that includes getting a good nights sleep.

pilates · 15/03/2017 21:17

Did I say my DD is coping well with GCSE exams? No, she isn't particularly but I am doing everything I can to try and minimise her stress levels and that includes getting a good nights sleep.

Fluffybunny78 · 15/03/2017 21:33

Hi OP, I think with a history of depression and anxiety, DD may be getting overwhelmed with school stress right now - and that's maybe why she's staying off. Have you spoken to her about how she's coping and getting on? Many teenagers get suicidal and self harm under serious pressure, could this be possible with your DD? I think it would be worth chatting to her about and finding out what's going on.
On another note, it's uncommon that any teenagers stay over on a weeknight, unless there's something going on. Is friend mentioned a girl or a boy, could they have something more than "just friends"?Wink
Hope you're feeling better now you know she's safe!!
-Christine

Original poster
coatless · 16/03/2017 10:20

Hi, fluffy, DD is seeing someone at CAMHS to try and help her deal with the anxieties, panic attacks and so forth. She's not sure whether it's helping but she seems keen to carry on seeing the counsellor.

I think Friend, who is female, might be more than 'just a friend'. Which is fine. I've no problem with that. I just think teenagers' romantic relationship development happening at the same time as school pressure being at its highest is what might be called a "scar of evolution" (Elaine Morgan).

School head of year was helpful but Friend maintained he virtually accused her of "hiding" DD, which is mean if he did. But I guess he has to deal with a lot of teenage problems (and problem teenagers!). He was called out of a meeting, possibly with police (I'd seen a police officer arriving while I was waiting), to talk to me.

A good friend of mine said this recently: "I wouldn't be sixteen again for a fortune."

Anyway, I think (hope!) they've got the message about not having sleepovers on school nights. It has been a bit of a struggle getting them to see how stressful it is for me and DH having to deal with last trains and buses being missed (from Friend's house DD has to catch a train and then a bus; buses are only once an hour ever; I told her she wasn't to expect lifts from Friend's mum; constant 'excuses'; "I meant to..." 🙄) and having a twenty-five mile round trip to deal with late at night. Not to mention lost phones.

We'll get there. Babies and wee kids are hard work physically but teenagers test one's emotional strength.

OP posts:
Fluffybunny78 · 16/03/2017 11:15

coatless I would maybe ask if her and her friend are maybe something more if I were you! Just to reassure that you're okay with this, as it may be another cause of anxiety. I'm glad to hear that she does have proper help!
I think establishing their relationship would give you the proper reasoning to say "okay I get that you are together, but you still cannot stay on a school night".
Anyway that's just what I would do! Glad to hear you're doing better than yesterday, hope DD and you can have a good talk about how things are.
-Christine